It doesn’t matter what they think about you. Just keep going.
“Paddle, paddle, paddle.” I repeated my mantra, ignoring the burning sensation in my arms.
Sure, in movies paddling seemed like the easiest part of surfing. I mean, you’re lying on your stomach and practically swimming with support. What they don’t show you is that it’s not only a very cardio intensive workout, it’s a muscle strengthener and a balancing act all wrapped together and tied with a beautiful bow.
“You can do it. You can do it.” My chants were getting more specific now.
Suddenly, I felt the sought after feeling of being carried by the wave. The familiarity of it all gave me the confidence to place my hands against the board. With one last sigh, I pressed down and pushed myself up to my knees at first and then to both feet. My heart was pounding and I wanted nothing more than to close my eyes, but I couldn’t. There was no chance I could cheat myself out of this experience.
My board wobbled a bit under my feet, but I moved forward, trying my best not to fall. I came this far, I wasn’t about to wipe out at the final moment. A spray of water burst from under my fin, hitting a body boarder who tried to steal my wave.
“Come on, just a little more.” I spotted the shore coming into view, and saw Limbo waving his arms in the air. “I hope that’s a happy wave.”
Finally, after what felt like forever, though most likely only a few seconds, my board skidded to a stop against the sand.
Thump, thump, thump.
My heart was beating a mile a minute. With shaking legs, I hopped off the board and fell to my knees, shaking uncontrollably.
“Oh man, I can’t believe I did it.”
Clap. Clap. Clap.
I looked up expecting to see Limbo and was surprised when I saw Kacy walking in my direction. Her hair was pulled into a tight ponytail, causing the grin on her face to become more pronounced.
“What are you doing here?” I asked once she reached my side.
“A little bird told me that you were in town. I have to admit I was a bit disappointed that you didn’t stop by my restaurant first.” She plopped down next to me and fanned her hands out so that her fingers were buried into the sand.
My heart finally steadying, I shrugged. “Blake certainly has a big mouth.”
“Oh you have no idea,” Kacy replied with a laugh.
I bit my lip. “What are you doing here?”
“Xavier told me you stopped by his house this morning.”
“Did he also tell you how he basically slammed the door in my face?” I muttered.
She bowed her head uncomfortably. “Yeah, even I felt the cringe factor on that one.”
“You have no idea.”
Her gaze dropped from my head to toes, grimacing at my wet clothing. “I would ask you what you’re doing, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t know.”
“Let me guess, did Limbo tell you?” I shook my head and let out a strained chuckle. “Guess Mistcoast isn’t just full of attractive people; it’s full of gossips too.”
“Um, thanks?” Kacy shook her head in a hurry. “Nah, what I mean is our town—our ocean specifically—is like a magnet. Anyone who is hurt seems to gravitate toward it. It’s almost like a beacon to those who need enlightenment. Surfing has a way of giving you more energy. It realigns your chakras for sure.”
I raised an eyebrow. “You know for one of Limbo’s protégés you were certainly uptight in San Diego.”
“I was also looking out for my brother. Speaking of which, I think somebody wants to speak with you.” She looked over my shoulder and broke into a smile. “Xavier?”
“Xavier?” I squeaked.
Kacy pushed herself up and gave her a brother a slight nod. Her flip-flops smacked against the soles of her feet as she walked over to Limbo, who wore a conspiratorial expression on his face.
Xavier loomed over me, the sun shining over his head. I took a good look at him—my first in a week since I was too nervous to do so earlier—and felt my heart wilt. Dark circles framed his eyes, which looked darker and less vibrant.
He looks so sad.
“What are you doing here?” I whispered.
“I saw you running away.”
I shifted in embarrassment. “I didn’t run away. I just had somewhere to be.”
“Oh? And by somewhere you mean surfing in full attire?”
I pulled at my shorts and grimaced. “I just came to the epiphany that there were some things I needed to change in my life and let’s just say my impulse took over common sense.”
“You can say that again. Didn’t know surf wear included a lace tank top and jean shorts.”
I bit my lip and felt tears threatening to spill from my eyes. “Xavier, are we really over? I know things got weird between us and I’m so sorry for getting into that fight with Kacy, but you know she—”
Remembering Limbo’s words of advice, I realized I was doing it again. I was going to depend on someone once again. I was going to blame Kacy for everything. Sure, she drove me to the point of no return, but I was a grown woman. I didn’t have to respond to her immaturity like that.
I shook my head, wiping the sentence from my mouth. “I’m sorry…I know I haven’t exactly been the shining girlfriend. You were right.”
“I was?”
“Yeah.” I nodded my head slowly. “I haven’t exactly been the type of girlfriend you’d be proud to introduce to your parents. What with all the scandals and the drama that followed me…” I glanced over at Limbo, who threw me a thumbs up. “Somebody told me that when you dwell on negativity you invite it into your life and it poisons even the good things. I think I was doing that with you. I was so caught up in the fact that you could bring something good into my life that I didn’t try to fix the bad stuff in me that could have poisoned you in return.”
“You’re not a poison, Harper.”
“Yes, I am,” I argued. “From our first date at the bowling alley I attracted trouble. Who came to save me? You. When it came to Wyatt or Charlie, who was there looking out for me? You. Even when it came to surfing, who was there to push me into a wave? You. I was so dependent on you fixing me that I didn’t try to fix myself. It was probably the same reason why I subconsciously allowed myself to continue being dragged into the drama…I didn’t want to lose you.”
A cool breeze blew by our heads, ruffling Xavier’s hair, which had grown substantially. He peered at me quietly, but his expression was unreadable.
“Xavier, what are you thinking?” I asked quietly.
“Is that the reason why you pulled this stunt?” He pointed toward Limbo’s board, which I surprisingly hadn’t broken yet.
“Not to bring negativity, but quite the opposite,” I clarified.
“Yeah, I thought so.” His thick eyebrows pushed together and the dimple in his chin deepened as he smirked. “So you thought surfing by yourself would somehow bring positivity? How does that even work?”
“Surfing makes you so happy. I thought that maybe if I did something that’s supposed to make people happy, not to mention something that I did for myself, I’d be in a better place in my life and maybe attract some good toward me.”
“That good being?”
“You?” I said shyly.
Xavier finally took a seat next to me, brushing against my shoulder in the process. “Listen, Harper, I never meant to be a jerk to you.”
Upon hearing those words it was as if I finally released a lungful of air I was holding. “You didn’t?”
“I never had any experience with a woman like you, or many women, for that matter. I know it sounds pathetic, me being an adult and all—”
“No, it doesn’t,” I interrupted him. “You wanted to focus on your career, what’s so bad about that?”
“I take it Kacy spoke to you?”
Sheepishly, I shrugged.
He nodded. “All I’ve known was black and white, logistics and concrete. I didn’t know how to deal with somebody who took
life as it was thrown to them.”
Okay, that was the first time I'd ever heard something like that.
“I’m a planner, Harper. I research, prepare, schedule, budget…how do you do that in a relationship? You’re dealing with an actual person with feelings.”
“Are you sure those other women weren’t robots?” I joked.
He snorted. “Emotional robots maybe, but you were somebody who always succumbed to her emotions. I don’t think you necessarily invite negativity in your life.”
“You don’t?” I whispered.
“I think you embrace it when it does come, whereas I try my hardest to fight it.” He took a deep breath and leaned back onto his elbows. “I don’t think either one is a good thing.”
“What do you mean?”
“Sometimes you have to push the bad things away so they don’t affect you as much.” He paused and looked at me pointedly. “But sometimes you also have to acknowledge it so you can figure out how to fix your life.”
“Well…maybe we can work on finding a balance…together?” I asked hopefully.
To my relief, he smiled. “Harper, I was a jerk. I know I should have told you about my plan to brush you off, but I guess it was my way of pushing away the negative. I was scared that if I told you, you’d call me a wimp and tell me to man up and confront my sister.”
“I know you care about her a lot though. I heard you’ve always looked out for her.”
“We didn’t always have the best relationship, but we’ve gotten closer as adults and I just didn’t want to ruin that with her so I did what I do best. I do damage control by controlling the situation, and in this case I thought pretending we were over would get Kacy off my back. I’m sorry, I should have told you. I was dumb to think that you’d pick up on what I was doing by yourself. For some reason I thought with all that PR training you did you’d see what I was doing. Deny, deny, deny.”
I bit my lip and looked out into the ocean. It was odd, but amidst the craziness of the currents and waves, there was something calming about it. In a soft voice, I said, “You know what I think?”
“What?”
“That we both don’t know how to be in a relationship. I’ve had toxic ones—”
“So have I,” he agreed.
“And I don’t think I’ve ever felt what being in love meant…until I met you.”
He licked his lips and looked at me intensely. “Do you think we rushed into everything? Do you think we’d have been better off if we just took our time with everything?”
That was not what I was hoping he’d say, but I remembered Blake’s advice. I decided to approach the situation a bit differently. “You know how time is relative, right?”
He nodded.
“When you prepare for something, does the time go by quick or slow?”
He tilted his head to the side and shrugged. “It depends. If it’s something I care about, it goes by quick but if it’s something Wyatt put me up to, it drags.”
“So you admit if it’s something you enjoy, it goes by fast, right?”
“Well, yeah…”
“Maybe the same goes for us. It only seems like we fell for each other quick because we knew this was a good thing. Something we both liked and enjoyed.”
“Okay, I’ll bite…what do you mean by this?”
Now’s the time to take the plunge and catch the wave by yourself.
“Maybe we ‘rushed’ into it because for the first time in our lives we finally found something good and meaningful. We were trying to invite love into our lives so we did what both our personalities called for. You leapt for it and I allowed myself to get sucked up into it.” I turned and placed my hand on this thigh. “We aren’t a bad thing, Xavier, but there are bad things in this world. Our problem was that we allowed outside forces to ruin us, just like you said. We were so caught up in what we did individually that we didn’t think of facing them together. I think if we tried this again, we’d know how to better handle the public, family, friends…”
Xavier bowed his head and closed his eyes. “Since this is the time for revelations, I think I should confess one thing.”
“What’s that?” I asked hesitantly.
“I’ve never been in love before and it scared me. I saw a way out and instead of fighting it, I jumped at the chance because I didn’t want to hurt again the way that…”
“Sheila hurt you?” I finished for him.
“Kacy?”
I nodded.
Xavier let out a puff of air from his nose and chuckled. “If I knew what a big mouth she had, maybe I kind of miss having her hate you.”
“Ah, I wouldn’t go that far.”
A moment of silence passed by before Xavier finally spoke again. “Harper?”
“Yeah?”
“I love you and I’d like to try this over again. The right way this time. I don’t care if it feels too fast, I want to face it with you.”
The tears that I had been fighting off all day finally rolled down my cheeks, breaking free from their prison. “I’d like that, and like I said earlier, I love you too.”
Xavier let out a loud breath and smiled. “Wow, that felt better than I thought it would.”
“You can say that again.” I laughed with relief.
He bit his lip and narrowed his eyes. “So what now?”
“Maybe the next step isn’t meant to be planned. Maybe this time we can take it as it comes and let the universe decide for us.”
“Limbo?”
Grinning, we both turned and saw Limbo jump up and down as Kacy clapped her hands quietly.
“Looks like we have an audience,” Xavier commented.
“You okay with that?” I dared to tease him.
“I’m dating you, right? I better get used to being in the public eye.”
“Yes, Mr. Producer, you do.”
We leaned forward, placing our lips against each other in a chaste kiss. Though I knew we wanted nothing more than to ravish each other, knowing Limbo and Kacy were nearby sort of prevented it.
“Will you be going back to New York?” Xavier whispered, his warm breath bathing my bottom lip.
I gulped, knowing the moment of truth had finally come. I had to make my decision. “Yes.”
His face dropped. “Really? I mean…I was sort of hoping…Hollywood is nearby and…”
I couldn’t help but smile. “I’m only going back to take care of a few things…and to pack.”
A look of relief washed over his face. “Oh thank God.”
I burst into giggles and threw my arms around his shoulders, relishing the feel of his skin against mine. It felt way too long since I'd last felt his touch, and though realistically it had only been a week without him, it felt like eternity to me.
Time was a bitch like that.
Chapter 41
“Is that the last box?” Xavier looked around and let out a huge breath. “How did you fit all this stuff in this little apartment?”
“High rise furniture, stacking—you become rather innovative as a New Yorker.” I took a step back and admired my now empty space. Taking a moment to examine the discolored paint from where my pictures used to hang, I realized I was more than ready to bid this apartment goodbye.
It was the apartment of countless acting rejections. It was also the apartment I had locked myself in during my moments of immense depression. The little one bedroom 4x4 was nothing but a bad memory to me now. I was ecstatic.
It was a few months after Cali Break wrapped and Xavier and I were finally taking the time before the press tour began to move me into our new apartment in Los Angeles. In fact, as soon as I was finished shooting all the promotional TV spots and photographs—which was pure torture given I had to act like I loved Charlie—Xavier rolled up to the studio with cardboard boxes in tow, ready to whisk me away.
I bit my lip and glanced over at Xavier. “Are you sure you really don’t care that we’re moving to L.A.? You always return to Mistcoast after every project
and I feel a bit bad that you’re—”
“What? Uprooting and leaving for the person I love most?” he interrupted with a smile.
“Well, yeah.”
He winked. “The same thing you’re doing as I speak?”
I threw my head back and laughed. “The thing is I don’t love New York anywhere as much as you love Mistcoast. In fact, I think I even hate it now.”
“What? You don’t like the stifling humidity, high crime rates, and rodents?” he said with feigned shock.
I rolled my eyes. “It really isn’t that bad.”
“Right.”
Xavier placed the box he was holding down onto my couch and walked over to me, wrapping his arms around my waist. He placed a soft kiss on my lips. “I will move anywhere for you, okay? Just like I know you’d do the same for me.”
I placed a peck on his lips in response and nodded. “Okay.”
“Good.”
Xavier dropped his hold and sighed. “Are you ready to do the promotional tour?”
“So I can spend every waking moment with Charlie? Oh yeah, of course!”
“Harper,” Xavier said warningly.
“Just kidding, but no, I’m not ready. America still hates me, remember?” I collapsed onto my couch, hitting my elbow onto the corner of a box. “Shit.”
“You okay?”
I rubbed my elbow and winced. “Yeah, but not as okay as I will be when I’m sure everyone doesn’t loathe me.”
Xavier glanced over at a pile of newspapers on my coffee table that we had been using to wrap my fragile decorations. He clapped his hands once and grabbed a page off top. “Have you seen this?”
“Seen what?” I groaned. Though I was all about owning up to everything and being independent, I still couldn’t bring myself to read or watch anything that had to do with public opinion.
“Yeah, I figured you didn’t.” He threw the page on my lap. “Read it.”
I pursed my lips and mustered up my courage to take a look at the page. Even feeling the crusty ink on my fingertips seemed so foreign to me. “What is this, Xavier? Is it going to make me mad? Or worse, cry?”
“Just read it.”
I shut my eyes and opened them slowly.
On the Outside (Caught Inside #3) Page 20
