by Alora Kate
As soon as I hit the top step, I saw him. He was already looking at me, like every Monday prior. I had to act fast because he talks the entire time I walk down the hallway.
I held my hand up to him to prevent him from speaking. It worked. I’m sure it was a rude thing to do, but I had to have control right now.
“Hi, Lincoln,” I said after he remained quiet.
His eyes grew wide with surprise and he smiled. He was always smiling. I wasn’t sure if he knew I looked at him or not because I never turned my head. I looked at him out of the corner of my eye. The only one I can see out of.
“Hi, Ashton,” he said back.
Get it over with. Say something. Suzanne will know you’re lying. She’ll ruin your schedule. You can’t let her ruin your schedule!
Fuck. How the hell do I live with myself?
“How was your day?” I forced out. I stumbled my footing but I quickly corrected it. I took a deep breath and drew my shaking hand to graze the very edge of the wall as I walked forward. I needed to ground myself before my panic took me away.
“It’s better now, Ashton.”
That sounded nice.
He was nice.
I don’t get it.
I don’t want to get it either.
“Okay,” I said as polite as I could. I pushed my key in the lock and twisted it to the right. I let out another breath as I heard the faint click as the deadbolt unlocked.
Don’t be a bitch to the nice guy.
I wish this weren't so hard.
I wish I could be normal.
I look at him only because he can’t see the real me. No one can see what my glasses hide and that’s why they were so dark.
I glanced his way and what I said came out a lot faster than I thought it would, “Ihopeyourfriendsstilldon’tcallyouPinky.” I slipped inside without waiting for a reply because I just couldn’t handle any more conversation. This was good enough.
I locked the stiff deadbolt and felt myself relax a bit more as I slid the three separate chains into their slots. Now that everyone was sealed out, I could finally relax, breathe, and continue my day on my own terms.
I survived another day out in the world.
I had no idea why I brought up the pinky thing again. It was a stupid nickname. It’s not like it was his fault he was born without the toe. Other than that, he wasn’t a bad looking man.
But I don’t think about things like that. I can’t. I won’t allow myself.
When noon hit, I went in search of the black post-it-note that had lost its hold on the wall. I swear my brother comes in here when I’m gone and takes them off and rubs them on his pants to make them not stick to the wall anymore.
A clear example, CALL YOUR BROTHER, read in his handwriting. This was my favorite one, and most of them that were stuck to the wall read just that.
I sat on the couch and called him. He answered on the first ring. “I knew you’d get my note today.” This was always his corny greeting.
“Of course I did. Can you come over?”
“I wouldn’t miss a visit with my favorite sister!”
I’m his only sister, but I stopped reminding him of that. “I’ll see you in a few minutes then?”
“Two minutes.”
I hung up and went to the door. I put my left eye up to the peephole and watched for him. I always do this. Not only because it’s my only good eye but because I like the anticipation of it. I get excited to see my brother. It’s the only thing I get excited about these days.
He lives on the top floor of this apartment building so it doesn’t take him but a few minutes to make it to my door. He’s been managing it for five years. He loves it because he basically sets his own hours. He says it’s an easy job and would probably live here forever.
He knows I stand and wait for him so he doesn’t knock on my door; instead, he listens to me undoing the chains and locks. I undid the first chain but his head turned and he moved from my view.
I couldn’t see him.
Where’s he going?
I heard muffled voices but I couldn’t see anyone. What do I do now? He knows how fucked up I am. He knows I’m standing here looking out this stupid peep hole!
More muffled voices. At least two minutes have gone by.
Shit.
Panic attack.
Why is he doing this to me? He’s my brother; he knows I can’t handle this.
The shakes have already hit me and I try to put the chain back in place. I miss the hole three times, cursing myself for not being able to keep it together.
I leaned my head against the door, closed my eyes, and focused on my breathing. It’s just a few minutes. I’m ok. He’s ok. Nothing is wrong. He’s just on the other side of the door.
He won’t leave me.
Faintly, just under the sound of my racing pulse and pounding heart, I hear him pound on the door. “Ashton. Shit, I’m sorry, open the door.”
“Is she okay?” The muffled voice sounded like Lincoln’s.
Oh no! Had my brother been talking to Lincoln?
This can’t be happening.
Oh God.
My chest hurt. I couldn’t get air into my lungs.
“She’s fine.” I heard him tell Lincoln. “She just needs to open the door.” Three more knocks. “Ashton. Please, open the door. I’m sorry. I should not have walked away, but I wasn’t leaving you. I promise. I would never leave you.”
Lincoln couldn’t see me. No one could while I was inside my apartment.
“You’re scaring me, Ashton,” my brother yelled through the door.
“Make him leave, Mike,” I demanded.
I looked through the peephole again and watched my brother talk to Lincoln, who I couldn’t see. After a few seconds, I watched my brother turn back and look right at me through the peephole. “It’s just me now, Ashton. Open up.”
I slid the first chain.
“Good. Do the next one.”
I slid the second one. I was still having a mild panic attack, but I was breathing better. Getting more air now.
I slid the third chain.
I unlocked the deadbolt and my brother had the door open and I fell into his arms. I couldn’t hold myself up anymore.
I started crying.
I hated crying.
I hate being me.
“I’ve got you,” he said, and I heard him kick the door shut. He leaned backward and fixed the lock and three chains. “I’m so sorry.”
“I hate this, Mike. I fucking hate feeling like this.” I continued to cry, and he picked me up and carried me to bed.
I curled into him, and he wrapped his arms around me and let me cry. He’s always here for me. He’s all I got. I know he would never leave.
“I’m sorry I freaked out. I knew you wouldn’t leave me, Mike.”
“Breathe, Ashton. It’s okay.”
“I hate it, Mike. Why can’t I make it stop? I try so hard. I’ve been trying; I swear I’m trying but I can’t do it. I told myself you wouldn’t leave. I knew you wouldn’t leave and I still panicked.”
He held me tighter. “It’ll get better.”
“It’s been six years, Mike! Why can’t I just wake up and be normal?”
“Honey, no one’s normal.”
“And no one is as fucked up as me, Mike!”
“You’re not fucked up, Ashton. Stop saying that.”
I pushed away from him so he could see me. “Look at me, Mike.”
“I am.”
I pointed to my right eye. “This is not normal.”
He gave me a small smile. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. You’re beautiful, Ashton.”
My brother is a good guy. Whoever ended up with him would be one lucky woman.
I stood on the bed and lifted my shirt, exposing my stomach. “What about this? Is this also beautiful, Mike?”
His smile quickly died. “Put your shirt down
, Ashton.”
“No. You can’t tell me you don’t see them. You’ve seen them all. You know where they are. You know how ugly they are. This is who I am, Mike. I’m scarred for life. They will never go away. I’m fucked up on the inside just as much as I am on the outside.” I jumped off the bed and spun around to look at him again. “I haven’t looked in the mirror since I was in the hospital. Six years, Mike. I don’t even know what I look like anymore. I don’t know if the one good eye I still have is even blue. I don’t know if I have wrinkles or if part of the scars has even healed. But I know I’m not beautiful! I’ll never be beautiful! I’m always going to be this way and I hate it. It makes me sick, Mike! I can’t stand myself!”
I slumped to the floor and started crying again. I hated that Mike had to deal with me but I had no one else but Suzanne, and she’s not here. I haven’t had an emergency visit in years.
I’m so fucked up and lost inside myself I’m surprised I can even function at all.
But this, this was all Lincoln’s fault.
Chapter 3 - Lincoln
When Mike asked me to leave the hallway and go back inside my apartment, I did without hesitation. Even though I wanted to help, I knew this had something to do with Ashton and I didn’t want to make a scene. Mike told me it would just make it worse for Ashton, but said he would stop by my place later. I have no idea what was going on. I feel useless and I hate feeling this way. It’s been seven hours, and every terrible scenario is playing in my mind while I wait for Mike to show up.
I tried to watch TV but couldn’t sit still so I channeled that energy into cleaning my apartment. I even got down on my hands and knees to hand wash all the floors. I did all my laundry and put it away, and then I cleaned out my closet and put a bag of clothes together for donation. All of that still wasn’t enough to keep my mind off her.
I can’t stop thinking about her. I don’t want to stop thinking about her. I wanted to be there helping her. I wanted her to let me help her.
Even though it looks like I’ve got my life together and happy, doesn’t mean I’m perfect. It doesn’t mean I haven’t been through my own hell. Maybe I sensed what she was going through because of the hell I went through when I was younger?
Running always helps me clear my head but I don’t want to chance missing Mike stopping by.
What if all this time I’ve been making the situation worse? It could be why she ignores me. But she would just tell me to stop, right? I would be upset if she asked me to stop but I would do it if it were an issue for her.
Now that I know Mike is not only our landlord but her brother, surely she would have told him about me by now. He would have come to me by now if she couldn’t do it herself. But when I had seen him standing at her door earlier, his reaction was nice and friendly; he smiled and asked how I liked living in the building. We barely exchanged a few words when his face lost all color and he rushed back and pounded on her door.
He seemed worried and desperate for her to open the door which was the opposite of how he acted not a minute earlier.
So, what could have changed in such a short amount of time to make him act that way?
Everything could change now because of me.
“Fuck.” I ran my fingers through my hair and sat on the couch.
What could be taking so long?
The faint sound of my cell ringing from the other room drug me out of my head. Looking down at the screen, I saw Nick’s name flash before I slid my finger across the screen.
“Hey,” I said.
“What the fuck is wrong with you now?” he asked like this was how I always answered my phone.
I clenched my jaw. “Nothing, what’s up?”
“Shit. It’s still Monday. I still can’t believe you ditched me earlier. I knew you were gonna sit around and mope all fucking day.”
“I’m not fucking moping! Something happened with Ashton.”
“She talked to you?” He sounded concerned. “Didn’t show up?”
“No. I met her brother, who also happens to be my landlord.”
“Her brother is the landlord,” he repeated. “Interesting.” He sounded just as puzzled as I am.
“Maybe. Now, what’s up?” I did not want to talk about her with him right now.
“I’ll let the subject change slide because I need a favor.”
I laughed, “You always need a favor.”
“That’s what happens when you have shit fucking employees. I fired Josh today.”
Josh was one of our bartenders that normally worked the VIP section upstairs. “You’re always firing someone.”
“If they’d follow the fucking rules I wouldn’t have to fire them,” he reminded me.
Nick’s kind of a hardass but his rules are easy. No stealing. Be on time. No free drinks unless it’s someone’s birthday. And absolutely no dating your co-workers. That last rule gets broken all the time. People are sneaky, but they always get caught. He’s fired three people in the short time I’ve been there.
“What happened this time?” I asked.
“Josh’s drawer was short about a hundred dollars last night. He had nothing to say about it, so I had to fire him.”
“Shit, people are stupid.”
“Don’t remind me. So anyways, I have Marcus filling in for Josh which means I need a bar-back tonight and probably tomorrow while I try and redo the damn schedule.”
Marcus was a bar-back like me, but he also knew how to make drinks. He worked hard and had been waiting for a bartending gig to open, so I’m sure he’s going to work even harder and prove to Nick he should get promoted.
“What time?” I hope it’s later. I don’t want to leave yet.
“Mondays are usually pretty slow, but VIP got booked with a bachelorette party. They come in at ten so Marcus will need your help.”
“I can do ten but a bachelorette party on a Monday?”
“It’s the city life, brother.”
We lived in Minneapolis, close to downtown where the club was. I grew up in Iowa, out in the country, so this was all new to me but I seemed to finally find my niche.
“Sounds good.” He hung up just in time because someone was knocking at my door.
It’s about time.
I tossed the phone aside and opened the door.
“Mike,” I said after opening the door.
“Mind if I come in?”
I stepped aside as he walked in, shutting the door behind him. “You want a beer?” I offered him.
“Hell yes, I need a beer. Thanks.”
We went into the kitchen; I slid him a beer as he sat on the same stool Nick had earlier that day. I leaned back against the counter and opened mine. It hit the spot; maybe I should have been drinking instead.
“She okay?” I asked.
“Yes and no.” He took another drink. “Life has not been good to my little sister. I can’t tell you what happened, but I can try and help you understand.” I nodded. The beer took a turn for the worse in my stomach. Ok, I’m glad I wasn’t drinking earlier. Mike took another drink. “She told me about you.”
That caught me by surprise. “She did?”
“Not until tonight.”
That answered some of my questions. This had to be a good thing if she’s talking to her brother about me.
“Look, she’s my little sister so, either way, I’d warn you not to hurt her. But she’s different. She’s not like other women. She’s got a lot of shit going on. Honestly, when she told me she talked to you I didn’t believe her.”
“She’s only said a handful of words to me. Not sure it was truly talking but it was better than nothing.”
“That was a huge obstacle for her to overcome. It's not something she does. There are only two people she talks to in this world and I’m one of them.”
“Who-”
He cut me off. “Don’t ask. Can’t tell you. If she wants you to know she’ll tell you. Just don’t ge
t your hopes up.”
“Now I’m even more worried.” Ashton only talks to two people and one is her brother? She had to be lonely.
“She said she’s confused and doesn’t understand why you’re talking to her.”
I shrugged my shoulders. “It’s kind of hard to explain.”
“If I were you, I’d figure it out. If you could explain it to her it might help.”
I really need to work on that then. I’m even more drawn to her now. “I could do that.”
“Then let me in on the secret so I can protect her.” He took another drink of his beer. “She’s trying. Believe me, she is trying.”
“So I’ll see her on Monday?” I had to know. I can’t go all week not knowing if today was the last time I’d see her.
“She doesn’t know that yet.”
Fuck this week is going to suck.
“And just so you know, she won’t sleep with you.”
I did not hesitate to respond. “That’s-”
“Dude. I’ve got a dick. I know how it is.”
“You don’t know me,” I said firmly. I understand he’s protecting his little sister but it pisses me off that he assumes I’m trying to fuck her. “At first, yes I thought about it. I figured she was just blowing me off but with every week that passed, I knew Ashton was different. I know nothing, but for some reason, I think she needs me, like as a friend. I think she’s beautiful. She intrigues me. I just feel like I need to know her. I want to be her friend more than anything. The only thing that made sense to me was that she was shy. Really shy. So, I thought if I told her about myself and let her get to know me then maybe she would eventually start talking to me.”
Mike finished his beer and thought for a minute before he spoke, “She is beautiful. She’s also very special to me. I love her more than anything in this world. If for some reason she lets you in, you’ll need to be patient. I’m not saying she will, I highly doubt it because it took years for me and her to form the relationship we have now. But from what we talked about, I think she actually wants to be your friend. But it’s a struggle for her and she hates you at the same time. She’s fighting an internal battle with herself.” He shook his head and stood. “I’ve said enough.”
