by Alora Kate
Shit! I run my hands through my hair.
Monday seemed to have been some kind of breakthrough for her. I understand what those first few days can do to you after suffering or having a breakthrough. You don’t want to do anything, let alone think. A part of you wants to continue down that path, and the other part wants to stay in the dark. The darkness is the most powerful thing on Earth. It can bring you peace and comfort, but at the same time, it destroys you. It controls you. It controls your life. It’s an unknown force driven by our fears and emotions.
“You got some bolt cutters?” I asked.
He almost smiled. “Yeah, be right back.”
I started knocking on her door then took a break to send a text message. I got no response so I tried calling, but it went straight to voicemail. Her phone must be off. The worst feeling washed over me even though she promised she would never do anything to hurt herself again.
“Here.” Mike appeared from nowhere, handing me the cutters. He unlocked the door, pushed it open as much as the chains would allow, then I cut all three of them.
“She’ll not handle the chains well, so I’ll get them replaced after this.”
Mike immediately rushed off down the hallway yelling Ashton’s name.
I shut the door and made my way to her room where I heard Mike talking. I leaned against the door frame so I could see into the room. Mike was sitting on the side of the bed and Ashton was curled into a ball with her back to us. The entire apartment was dark, darker than normal. It was perfectly quiet also. No TV, no music, not even a fan.
Nothing but darkness.
The darkness she’s allowing to keep her in the state of mind she’s been in for years.
“Ashton, you need to get up,” Mike says quietly, watching her, waiting for some kind of response.
“Leave.” I barely heard her dry, choked out response.
“Have you been in bed for two days?” he said slowly, a bit irritated.
“Go away.” She didn’t move, and Mike tried to lay next to her which gets him a good smack to the head. “Get out!” she yelled without looking at him.
Mike glanced at me, I gave him my best I don’t know look and shrug my shoulders.
I wasn’t sure I’m in the best position to do anything.
“Ashton, I won’t let you do this to yourself,” Mike started. “You’re not going back there because of me. So, get up and get your shit together. Please, don’t do this to yourself.”
“Fuck off,” she whispered this time, clearly crying. Her breathing was coming in short, small gasps.
Mike touched her shoulder and sighed. “It’s been six years, Ashton. I won’t fuck off. I won’t give up. I’ll never give up on you. Please just talk to me.”
I should leave and let them have their privacy, I thought at the same time Mike looked at me. “Linc’s here,” he told her but kept an eye on me. I can’t leave now.
I know all about hiding in the darkness. I’ve been depressed, hurt, and upset to the point of where I thought my life was over. I didn’t think I would get over what I did to my father. I thought the pain of being responsible for my father’s death would never stop. I blamed myself for a long time. I still blame myself, but it was an accident; Nat was the one who broke through to me. What Nat did to and for me, sucked. Her actions pissed me off at the time, but in the end, it worked.
Two days could turn into four days, then five. Before you know it, a whole year passes by.
Depression was a bitch, and no one deserved her wrath.
I told Ashton I wanted to help.
I told her I’d be here for her, so I’m not leaving.
She needed to snap out of it.
She needed a wake-up call.
Actions speak louder than words.
Shit, was I really going to do this?
“Please, Ashton,” Mike continued to beg.
“I said, get the fuck out, Mike! Leave me alone, I don’t want to see you or talk to you. Leave me alone.” She sobbed some more. “Get out now!” she yelled.
I was going in, and it didn’t matter if I pissed them both off.
Ashton wants to move on, be normal - whatever that means - then I’m going to help her find what she’s looking for.
“Please Ash, get up.” I walked into the room and waited about a minute. “Last chance, Ash,” I warned, but she didn’t move.
Mike was still staring at the floor as I walked over to her bed. I leaned in close and noticed she didn’t have her glasses on. I don’t care what anyone says, she’s beautiful. Yes, the scars are there, yes her eye is slightly discolored, but all I see is beauty.
A strong, beautiful woman whom I’m very attracted to.
“Get up Ash,” I whispered in her ear and she continued to cry.
I know her brother won’t do it, so I’m taking control.
I stood up and asked Mike to leave so he didn’t have to see what I was about to do. But before Mike could say anything, Ashton jumped up and stood on the bed.
“I want both of you to leave! This is my apartment.” She glared at me for a second then Mike. Her hands were in fists at her side. A small smile danced on my lips, but I got rid of it before she saw it.
She’s livid and doesn’t care about anything right now. Now that I’ve seen her, I won’t ever let her hide from me again.
“The two of you broke into my apartment. I should call the cops!”
Mike stood from the bed. “Jesus Ashton, I was worried about you! You’re my sister, I love you and I won’t let you sit in here and rot like this!”
“Six years, Mike. Six fucking years I’m trying to get my shit together, figure out how to live my life, and I find out you lied to me the entire time!”
“I didn’t fucking lie to you, Ashton!” he yelled.
Ashton leaned her head down towards him. “Yes. You. Did.” She pointed at him and lowered her voice. “You NOT telling me is still fucking lying, Mike.”
I disagreed with her but, again, I’m not telling her that. It was something she had to learn to deal with on her own. Suzanne was right, Ashton only saw what she wanted to see.
I think this will be easier for me because I’m an outsider. I might lose her after this, but it’s a risk I’m willing to take. I’ve been in her shoes. I know what she’s going through.
“Both of you shut up!” I didn’t yell but I made myself clear that I was serious. I walk over to the bed; Ash’s eyes never leaving mine. I grabbed her around the waist and tossed her over my shoulder.
“Oh my God,” she screamed and started pounding me on the back. “Put me down, Linc.”
I stopped and turned back to Mike. “You might want to leave now.”
He hesitated for a minute but turned to leave.
“Mike, get your ass back here. You can’t leave me!”
He stopped at the doorway. “I’m not leaving you, Ashton. You’re not ready to talk to me, I get it.”
She started to wiggle and pushed against my back. “I’ll talk to you now, Mike! Please, don’t do this.”
“I love you, Ashton,” he said walking out.
“Fucker!” She pushed against me again and tried to kick me. “Let me down.”
I walked into the bathroom, pulled the shower curtain back, and turned the water on.
Her panic attack started to kick in, her breathing became ragged. “Don’t you dare, Linc.” She almost got loose, but I adjust her on my shoulder and yank her socks off. I needed to hurry up. “Please, I’m begging you Linc, don’t do this to me!”
“You can hate me all you want afterward, but right now we’re getting in this shower and you’re going to listen to me. No need for a panic attack Ash, nothing bad will happen to you. I just want to talk to you.”
I twisted her small body around me and her legs went around my waist. Incredible. But a split-second was all I allowed before I pushed away all the naughty, dirty thoughts that were threatening to invade
my mind.
After I checked the temperature of the water, I stepped into the shower with her completely wrapped around me. She doesn’t move or say anything as I put her back under the shower stream and hold her there. She does tense up, but I hold her tighter while the water continues to soak us. After what felt like hours, she slowly lifted her head.
God, I’d do anything to kiss those soft, perfect heart-shaped lips of hers.
“Are you awake now, Ash?”
“What do you think, Linc?” she hissed at me.
I chuckled. “You look like you are because your eyes are open but that’s not what I meant.”
“Enlighten me then,” she sneered.
“Put your head back and close your eyes.”
“Are you going to drown me?”
“You’re funny,” I said sarcastically.
She slowly put her head back, letting the water soak her hair. She closed her eyes and let the water run down her face. I put my hand behind her neck so she could fully relax while the water ran over her face.
She opened her eyes and blinked off the water droplets.
Here goes nothing.
“I don’t know what I’m doing,” I started and she raised an eyebrow at me. “Just so you know, it’s adorable when you do that.” She rolled her eyes but I still had her attention. “I don’t know what I’m doing, but whatever it is, we do it together.” I paused to see if she would say anything and she didn’t. “We figure it out together, Ash. I want to help you. I’ll be there for you. But you have to let me. I feel like you’ve let me in. Not all the way, but we’ve made progress. You’re a beautiful, strong, independent woman. You’re determined to move on from your past. I admire you so much for that, but you can’t move on unless you wake up.”
“Wake up?”
“Open your eyes and wake up, Ash. You aren’t living. You isolate yourself. You live…” I glance down at her lips.
Don’t kiss her.
I shook my head and continued, “"You shared a lot with me; just know that I don't need to know anything else. Somehow, you need to find a way to let it go. Give it to me if you have to, but you need to find a way to move on. I can show you how beautiful life is. I can show you how beautiful you are.” She opened her mouth and I put my finger to it. “Don’t tell me you’re not beautiful. You’re not allowed to say that to me.”
She reached up and pulled my hand from her face. “Then you’re not looking at me, Linc.” She pointed to her eye. “This. is. Not. Beautiful. Nothing about it is beautiful.” She wiggled, and pushed away, so I let her slide her legs down and she stood before me in the shower. She grabbed the bottom of her shirt and pulled it up and over her head, tossing it behind me in the tub.
I wasn’t expecting that.
Her black bra was completely soaked, and her ponytail must have fallen out because her long dark hair was half way down to her ass.
“Look at these, Linc.”
I glanced down and saw a scar running from under her bra down to the top of her pants.
“The Devil butchered me with a knife. Ripped me apart.” She reached around and took her bra off, exposing her breasts. She put her hand on her left breast and pulled it to the side. “I’m missing part of my breast, Linc. The scars run down into my hip.”
“Ash.”
“Shut up,” she snapped and started to pull her pants down. I wasn’t sure what was going on but I wasn’t going to stop her.
“These ones,” she pointed to the inside of her thigh where I saw some faint white lines run up between her legs. “I did these myself. I liked it. I enjoyed it. I’ve got scars everywhere, Lincoln. Everywhere!”
“Just because you have scars doesn’t mean you aren’t beautiful.”
“Can’t you-”
“Now you listen to me,” I ground out. “Listen to me and hear what I’m saying, Ash.” She blinked a few times. “We both have battle scars but yours are on the outside.” I leaned into her. “This scar,” I brushed my thumb under her right eye, feeling the coarseness of the scar, “these marks, tell me that you fought a battle. Went to war. You were faced with a horrendous challenge; a challenge that no one, not ever, should ever have to live with. But guess what? You won the battle, the challenge, and the war. You won it all because you’re alive. You’re alive and have the scars to prove it. They may not be beautiful to you, but you’re going about them all wrong. We need to change the way you think because they,” I ran my hand down her face, over her neck, breast, and then her stomach, “are… beautiful. They tell me you fought. They tell me that you’re strong. They tell me that you’re a survivor. A survivor, Ash. Unfortunately, they’ll never go away so you should be proud of them. Embrace them. Find the beauty in them that I do. They healed on the outside but you, my beautiful Ash, you need to heal on the inside.”
She stood before me in her panties looking tired. Weighed down by so much shit that she probably felt like most days she was drowning. I wish I could take her pain away but I can’t. Nothing can take the pain away until you can forgive and move on. So, the only thing I can give her, is me, my support, and encouragement.
She remained quiet for what felt like hours, but she needed it to sink in. My words needed to stay with her.
“Do you get it now? Why I think you’re beautiful?”
“Maybe.”
“And it might get harder, but you’ve already survived the worst, right?” She nodded again. “It will never, never, ever be that hard again. Your past was the hardest part; the rest is easy.” I grinned and my eyes dropped to her lips as she licked them. I quickly raised my eyes. “I promise I can help tip the scales and make the good outweigh the bad.”
I couldn’t help it, I eyed her lips again. Fucking perfect.
I forced my eyes off her lips. “Can I kiss you, Ash?” I asked on barely a whisper.
Ashton
He asked.
He asked me.
I closed my eyes and let my forehead rest against his chest.
I was still naked.
I showed him everything.
All of me.
The tugging on my heart, that thing that stirred deep inside at my core was affecting me but I wasn’t sure how.
Lincoln asked permission. He didn’t take it from me.
The decision was mine. I never thought kissing someone would ever be an option for me. If I said yes, this would be my first kiss. Isn’t it supposed to be romantic and perfect? Not something I’m debating? Or spending this much time thinking about?
He still wanted to kiss me after seeing the real me; my scars, my flaws, and all my broken, hideous pieces. It didn't bother him a bit, not once did he avert his gaze, cringe, or try to run away.
I had been in bed for two days, cut them both off, feeling sorry for myself, but he was here.
I think I’m more upset with myself than anything because as much as I had convinced myself that I was moving on and getting better, I wasn’t. Suzanne was right; I only saw what I wanted to see and I had no idea I was doing it.
I slowly lifted my head up, and saw his bright blue eyes smiling at me. I swallowed the lump in my throat, trying to find the words to express myself, but they were lost.
He slowly moved my hair aside from my face, and held my head in his hands.
He inched closer to my face, my heart picking up speed, my eyelids slowly closing. Nothing could have prepared me for my first kiss. The connection. The passion. The fire I found inside myself was growing stronger the longer he kissed me.
I was starting to understand.
I felt like I needed him.
Needed him to breathe. Needed him to live. Needed him to survive.
He stopped and let out a frustrated moan.
Please don’t leave me.
“Thank you,” I whispered against his lips and realized my hands were on his hips.
He cracked a smile.
“I can’t explain it, not now, but tha
t meant a lot to me.” I dropped my hands, pulled back, and wrapped my arms around my breasts.
He made me feel safe. The safest I’ve ever felt in my life but I needed to get out of this shower and put my clothes on.
“You okay?” he asked reaching around me to shut the water off. “Did I go to fast?” He pulled the shower curtain back, and I answered him by pointing to a drawer, “Towel please.”
“Shit,” he muttered stepping out and grabbing a towel for me, which I quickly wrapped around myself. He grabbed one and headed out of the bathroom shutting the door on his way out. I might have upset him, but I had to take the few minutes. I had to be proud of myself for a few minutes because I knew it wouldn’t last long.
Chapter 14 - Lincoln
I left partially soaked and fully hard.
I needed another shower. A cold fucking shower.
After my shower, I dressed, and before I could leave my room, Nat came running in and began jumping on my bed. I have no idea what she and Nick did the other night, and I told her I never wanted to know. I can’t even picture them together, not like sleeping together but just together as a couple. It just didn’t seem right to me but whatever, I had other things on my mind right now.
“Hey, Linc,” she said while continuing to jump on the bed, her hair free and flying around in the air.
“Why are you so happy?” I asked but soon realize I might not want the answer to that question.
“Why are you,” she flings an arm in my direction, “so happy?”
“I might have had a breakthrough.”
“You deserve it.”
“It can go either way.”
“I’m sure it’ll be great!” She did gymnastics for several years during high school and some in college, so it didn’t surprise me when she jumped up in the air and landed perfectly on both feet on the floor. She even tossed her hands up in the air, nailing the look of making a perfect landing.
