by Alora Kate
I was so used to being the only one, besides Mike and Suzanne, that cared about me. I always focused on myself, trying desperately to keep myself safe. There had to be more with Lincoln. The way he was with me. The ideas he had, the way he thought about everything. He blamed himself for his father’s death, but he was able to move on with his sister's help.
“Is this what your sister did to you?”
“Yes.”
“I’d like to see what you wrote.”
He grinned. “Seriously?”
“I have you,” I said softly, slipping my hands into his.
“I’ll catch you if you fall, Ash.”
I knew he would.
I nodded, we untangled ourselves, and I stood so I could face myself in the mirror.
My eyes immediately focused on the letters clustered all around my mirror. He wrote it in a way that I could focus on the letters and not my reflection. Brave. Strong. Survivor. Warrior. Woman. Fighter. Beautiful. Gorgeous. Bent. Broken. Battle scars. Wounds. Healing. Forgiving. Letting go. Moving on.
Lincoln. That one made my smile grow and made my belly do somersaults.
Fill your mind with positive thoughts, your life will start to change.
Believe in yourself.
Don’t make plans, let go and see what happens.
It won’t be easy; it’ll never be easy but let go and see what happens.
I read them.
I read them again.
I ignored my face but saw my dark hair as I dragged my eyes around the mirror.
“This is the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me.”
“I Googled some of it so I can’t take credit for the good stuff.”
Giving his hand a little squeeze, I turned to him. “I don’t care if you Googled them, they mean something to me. Since you wrote in permanent marker, they’ll always be with me.”
“Does this mean I get another kiss?” he asked glancing down at my lips.
I slowly got on the tips of my toes and he met me halfway. It was just a small kiss, but I liked it just as much.
I felt a rush, a sense of peace washed over me. I felt calm inside and Lincoln was right, my heart should only be beating this fast when he’s kissing me senseless.
Lincoln
“I love your eyes.”
I grinned. “Yeah?”
“There so bright. And your hair; I like that it’s longer on top and hangs over on your forehead like this.” She ran a hand through it, incredible. Fuck, I was getting hard. I grunted, moaned some incoherent words, then grunted her name. “Ash.”
“I’m sorry. Did I do something wrong?”
“I’d show you, but I’m not sure you’re ready for that.” I took a step back, watched her smile fade, and heard her alarm clock going off in the bedroom. “We should turn that off.”
More than the alarm needed to be turned off.
“It shuts off after a few minutes, then starts again. It’s never gone this long, though.”
I let her turn the alarm off and walked into the living room, trying my best to get rid of my hard on. It’s not an easy thing to do when you have feelings for someone.
I tried thinking about everything but Ashton. I tried, I really did, but failed so miserably.
“Linc?”
I turned my head just enough to see her standing a few feet away, hugging herself like she had done something wrong.
“Hey, I gotta go.”
It was a classic dick move, but it was best this way.
“Oh.”
“I’ll text you,” I said, undoing the chains and rushing out.
Chapter 16 – Ashton
I ran to Mike’s door and started pounding on it. “Mike! Open up.”
The door swung open a minute later. “What the fuck?”
“I need your help.”
“You’re at my door? Again?”
I looked down the hallway. Shit. I’ve only been to his door once, and I was so out-of-my-mind angry, that I don’t even know if that was a conscious decision. “Can you come downstairs?”
He ran his hands through his hair.
“But put a shirt on before you come down,” I said and realized I was so upset about Lincoln rushing out on me that again, I forgot my glasses. My heart stopped and I ran.
I ran down the hallway, down the stairs, and rushed into my apartment. I locked myself in and went over and opened the stupid window.
Fresh air.
I took a deep breath in and started to cough. More like muggy, hot, thick, nasty air.
“Fresh air my ass.” I slammed it back shut.
I checked my phone; no messages from Lincoln yet so I paced the living room and waited for Mike. It didn’t take long before he knocked on my door.
Before I talked about Lincoln I wanted to know about the girl that was at his apartment the other day, because we hadn’t talked about it yet and I wanted to know if my brother had a girlfriend. I wanted to know if I had to face her again after the way I acted.
“She’s not my girlfriend, Ashton. We’re just fu-… um, you know,” he shrugged his shoulders, “hang out sometimes?”
“Please don’t tell me you’re one of those player types, Mike.” He never talks about his relationships; always tells me he’s single. I asked another question before he had a chance to reply, “And why haven’t we ever talked about your girlfriends? I mean, buddies or whatever you like to call them?”
I sat next to him on the couch and he continued to stare at the floor, elbows on his knees, hands twisted up. “You know why, Ashton.”
I do know why but I needed to hear it from him. “No, I don’t. Tell me.”
He swung his head to me and I could tell he’s looking at my eye. My bad eye and I let him. “It’s not appropriate considering what happened to you. Plus, you’re my sister.”
“I’m not stupid.”
“Never said you were.” He sat up and turned sideways to face me, with one leg knifed on the couch. “I’m not talking about sex with you.”
“We don’t have to actually talk about the sex, but it would be nice to know if you were dating someone.”
“I’m not dating her.”
“So you’re a player?”
He snorted, “No, it’s more like friends-with-benefits thing. Fuck buddies.”
“Why not more?”
“She’s great in bed, but there’s nothing else there.”
“No other connection?” I asked thinking about Lincoln and me.
“Correct. We connect great in bed, but other than that, there’s nothing. She’s a great person, has her shit together. Wait a minute,” he said putting his finger up. “Why weren’t you wearing your glasses? And why did you come to my place instead of texting me because this has happened twice now?”
I opened my mouth to speak but he kept going, “I mean, I’m happy! This is really fucking great Ashton, but the glasses?”
“Right…well, Lincoln stayed the night and this-”
He shoved his hand in my face and I stopped talking. “Information overload and a million things are running through my head, but the most important question is, where did he sleep?” he asked dropping his hand, eyeing me suspiciously.
“Mike, you know he’s already been in my bed.”
“Right, but that was different.”
“How about this,” I said smirking at him. “You shut up and let me tell you what happened because I think I did something wrong.”
“Explain.”
It felt good having someone to talk to, but it was hard because it was my brother; but he was a guy, and I needed a guy’s opinion. So, I explained everything, went into detail, pouring my heart out and getting everything out in the open, like I do with Suzanne. I even showed him the mirror, which he wasn’t too happy about.
“I thought we weren’t supposed to talk about sex,” he said after I was done.
“That’s your reply?”
“Ashton, my sweet, sweet sister.” He shook his head. “I’m pretty sure you,” he dropped his voice, “turned him on.”
“But I didn’t do anything.”
“You kissed him.” He stood up and walked to the kitchen. “I can’t talk to you about this anymore.”
“Why not?”
“It’s wrong.” He opened the fridge, sighed, and shut it. “Very wrong. You need to talk to Suzanne about this or find a girlfriend.”
“I only talk to Suzanne on Mondays; I need to know how to fix this today. He was mad at me.”
“He wasn’t mad. He’ll never be mad, so don’t think that.”
Why was I having such a hard time figuring this out? Everything was going well. I survived looking in the mirror even though I ignored my face. I started to break down, but Lincoln was there to pick me up and helped me avoid it. No one’s ever been able to do that for me.
“He gets me, Mike.”
“That’s good.”
“At least, I think he does.” I slumped back down on the couch. “I don’t know what to do or what’s going on. I get so mad when he tells me I’m beautiful. I mean, I stripped down in the shower, Mike. I showed him everything.” I popped my head up. “Why did I do that?”
He ran his hands over his face and mumbled to himself before he walked back over to the couch. “Sounds like a breakthrough or something. And the dude likes you, Ashton. You read those romance books all the time. Put two and two together.” He patted me on the head. “I love you, but you need to find a girlfriend.”
Then he left.
He gave me no answers, and I wasn’t going to call Suzanne about it.
There was only one thing to do.
Ask him.
Lincoln
I swung the door open hoping that it might be Ashton.
It wasn’t.
“What’s up, Mike?”
“Ashton told me what happened.”
“Crap.” I walked away from the door and he let himself in. “It’s too early to drink, or I’d offer you a beer.” I sat on the couch and waited for him to lay into me.
“You will replace that mirror,” he said.
“When the time comes, I’ll replace it.”
He relaxed into the chair. “Good, I hate replacing them.”
“How long have you worked here?” I asked.
He grinned. “Nice job. Trying to change the subject but we’re coming back to Ashton,” he paused. “I’m not sure what she’s told you about the past, but I was here for a few years before she came to live in the building. My friend used to manage the building, and he put a good word in for me. Now I manage this one and the one behind us. After our parents had died, Ashton moved in.”
“You like it?”
“Easiest job I’ve ever had. Free rent, cable, and internet.”
“So you do.”
“Who wouldn’t.”
I wondered about Ashton’s apartment and if she also got free rent. She didn’t work, but at this point in our relationship, that was none of my business.
“So this thing with Ashton,” he began. He sat up in the chair and gave me his big brother stare down. “I can’t tell you enough that she’s delicate. She’s not like other girls. I know about the shower thing.” He cringed. “My opinion – you have to be upfront and honest with her. Tell her what she does to you, how she makes you feel … sexually,” he said the last word like he had puke in his mouth, just waiting for it to come out.
“I freaked out this morning.”
“I don’t want to know about that, and hopefully this is the last time I have to hear this kind of shit from the two of you.” He grinned letting me know he wasn’t mad and stood to leave. “My work here is done. Don’t make me come back with a bat or evict your ass.”
I let Mike out and realized it was time to face Ashton, but I waited until noon. That might score me some brownie points.
“Hey,” she said opening the door, wearing her glasses which didn’t matter because I knew she wasn’t looking at me.
Fuck.
“I’m sorry about this morning,” I said while she locked the door. “I shouldn’t have run off.”
“I need to tell you something,” she said brushing past me. I followed her into the bathroom. She set her glasses on the bathroom counter and pointed at one of the words I’d written on the mirror.
Broken.
“I’m not broken, Linc,” she started, dropping her hand from the mirror. “I’m shattered. I shattered into a million pieces that turned to dust and got swept away in a breeze. There’s nothing left. There’s nothing to fix. I’m just … incomplete.”
I felt like she had done a complete one-eighty on me.
“Did I fuck up that much this morning?” I asked grabbing her glasses so she couldn’t put them back on.
She dropped her eyes and brushed passed me. “I’m just letting you know that we’re friends, Linc. I can’t be anything more than that.”
“Why not?” I asked following her back to the living room.
“I just told you. I’m not whole. I’m barely hanging on. You know I’m not living any kind of life.”
“Ashton.”
“I like you, Linc.” She spun around so I could see her. “I really do, but I’m not good for you. You’ll never have anything with me but this.” She swung her arms out. “This is it. This is my life, and even if I opened the window or buy blue curtains, it’s not going to change who I am!”
“I just-”
“I’ve thought about it all morning. I won’t ever have sex with you.” She dropped her hands to her hips. “Kissing me Linc, that’s all I can give you and even that,” she waved at my junk, “does things to you. So, you get my point. I know why you left this morning and I don’t blame you. It would have been very awkward for me. I shouldn’t have let the shower incident happen, but I was so mad at you that I wasn’t thinking clearly and it just happened. It’s like I wasn’t in control, but I was.”
“I like you, Ashton.”
“I know you do Linc, and that’s why this is so hard for me to say, but we can only be friends. No more cuddling, no more kissing, and definitely no more showers where my clothes come off.” I thought maybe she’d end that with a smile but she didn’t. She was dead serious. “I can’t nor will I ever be the girl you deserve. I’m not normal. I’ll never even come close to being normal.”
I felt my heart break into a million pieces.
“No one is normal.”
“I’m sick of hearing that!”
“It’s true. Everyone is different. Lived different lives and have experienced different things.”
She hugged herself. “You deserve someone better.”
“I deserve to have the woman I want. A woman I need.”
“You don’t need me.”
“I know what I need, Ashton.”
She stood over by the window, that one that had its curtains and blinds up so she could see outside. “I shouldn’t have let it get this far. I don’t know what I was thinking.”
“You were thinking with your heart, not your head.”
She turned slightly, so I couldn’t see her face and said, “Just go. Please, Lincoln, do this for me, for yourself. Just go.”
I wasn’t going to push or beg, so I walked to her, gave her a kiss on the forehead, and said goodbye. This was what she wanted and even though I left without a fight, didn’t mean I wasn’t going to try another day.
Chapter 17 - Lincoln
“Do you love her?”
I popped my head up and saw Suzanne eyeing me over the top of her glasses, waiting for me to say the right thing. I wasn’t sure what the right thing was, but what I said was honest and I meant it. “I’m falling in love with her.”
She smiled, adverted her eyes and focused on her notebook. She looked very professional with her hair in a neat bun, her crisp white blouse and pressed black trousers. She looked
nothing like the counselor I had, who was sixty years old, male, bald, and always smelled like mints.
“My feelings for her are strong,” I went on because just being in the room with her made me want to talk. “Very strong. I told you what happened this past week and now I’m here to get your opinion.”
Her smile grew wider, and happiness grew in her eyes. The small wrinkles on her face made her scar blend in more on the cheek area making it barely visible. She glanced down at her notebook and said, “When you called, you agreed to come today.”
“It’s Monday,” I said, knowing I picked today for a reason.
“And it's early. Ashton is normally my first client, but I needed you here before she got in, so she couldn’t run away.”
“I’m glad you let me come in, but do you think this is wrong?”
“There’s nothing wrong with telling someone how you feel. Her situation is different, and she’s fragile. But I think this is the right thing to do. Obviously, Ashton shut you down, and I like that you aren’t giving up. It’ll mean something to her, but she’s going to be upset at first.” She warned and shot me a quick glance over her glasses. “Just a heads up. She might yell or scream. I’m used to it, and I encourage her to tap into those feelings while she’s here, because it’s her safe space.”
“Crap,” I muttered. The last thing I want to do was to piss her off, but I am invading her privacy and hijacking her session, so she has every right to be mad at me for it.
Total stalker.
I texted Ashton the rest of the week, but she never invited me over. She told me that therapy was her safe place and I was hoping she’d let me explain my feelings and actually listen to me this time. I wanted to get through to her and if this didn’t work, then I’d let her go.
“Is it weird that I feel like she already broke my heart?”
“You’re entitled to your feelings. No one can tell you how to feel, or how not to feel.”
“Yeah.” I dropped my eyes to the floor thinking about what I was about to do. I was invading her safe space, but I wanted her attention, and I felt like I could get that here with Suzanne.
