by Alora Kate
God, I loved that woman.
I smiled then got back to the problem at hand.
Nick.
I’m going to kill him.
“Sit down,” I hissed, wishing my leg wasn’t broken and propped up on the coffee table preventing myself from killing him.
“Fuck that.” He smirked. “If you don’t hurry this shit up, I’m going to fire your ass.”
I knew he was joking because the club wasn’t even open right now. It’s closed for renovations because Nick was smart and took Natalie’s advice to give it a makeover. I also knew he wouldn’t fire me because I was still getting paid and so were the rest of the employees during the renovations. Even though he was an ass sometimes, he was a good man and took care of his employees. With my help, via Skype, we’ve hired some great people over the last few months, and Lili was kicking ass at her job with Natalie’s help. She was opening a little more and making some good tips; apparently, people also liked the shy, timid type but she was also young and pretty. I made sure our bouncers walked all the female staff to their vehicles or made sure they got into a taxi or Uber safely since I wasn’t there anymore to do it.
“Don’t change the subject.” I ground out while he flashed his eyes to Natalie. I saw him look her up and down and then gave me his attention again. “She’s …”
“… my sister.”
“She’s a virgin,” he whispered and took a step back when I sprung off the couch.
“You're dead.” I grabbed a crutch and tried to hit him with it, but he jumped back into the hallway. “Good, go down the hallway so you have no way of escaping.” He glanced behind him and I grabbed the other crutch and chased him into my room, where I shut the door, ignoring my mother yelling at us. He jumped on my bed and dodged my every attempt to hit him with the end of the crutch.
“Are you fucking stupid?”
“I love her.”
“You proposed just so you could get her in bed!”
“No, I didn’t,” he said dodging another crutch swipe. “If you’re not careful, I’m going to break a leg and then we’ll both be in trouble.”
“I’ll break more than your leg!”
“Lincoln man, this is me.”
“I know all about you!”
I tried and failed many times to hit him with a crutch and gave up. I sat down before I ended up hurting myself in the process.
“Listen to me,” Nick said, catching his breath, keeping his distance. “She’s special, she means something to me.”
“It’s too soon.”
He laughed so hard, he grabbed his belly. “You’re kidding, right? I’ve known her longer than you’ve known Ashton.”
“You can’t compare the two.”
“Dude, they’re totally different women, I know that. But I’ve known Pipsqueak for a long time. She’s always been special in her own way. There was always something about her that I liked, despite me teasing her.”
“Don’t call her Pipsqueak.”
“She loves it.” He smirked. “I respect you, Lincoln, we’re like brothers, and now I’m marrying your sister. She thinks I’m worthy of her. Me! She wants me to be the guy. The one and only guy she’s ever been with. That’s a compliment or something, right?”
“Jesus,” I muttered. “You’re going to break her heart.”
“If I do, I’ll fix it.”
He rarely had a stone-cold face of seriousness because he’s always been so laid back but today, he was serious.
“I’ve never been good with dating and girls, but this time I’m going to get it right.”
I loved Nick like a brother but never thought he’d have feelings for my sister. I ran my hands through my hair and gripped the back of my head. I assumed from prior conversations that they had already been sleeping together, but it makes me proud that my sister waited.
“You really think you’re ready?”
“Fuck no,” he chuckled. “Are you?”
“Yes, but Ashton is a few steps behind me.”
“She needs to talk to me more.”
“I told her not to talk to you.”
“Now why the hell would you do that,” he joked getting brave and coming to sit next to me on my bed, which wasn’t made. Ashton still wouldn’t sleep at my house which was fine because I was always at her place now so my mom could use my room. She wouldn’t leave until I was walking again. She also hadn’t introduced us to her boyfriend because she didn’t think it was time but I felt like it was because of Ashton.
“I don’t want to kill you, Nick.”
“That’s good,” he said slapping my good leg. “Don’t want to die before my wedding night.”
I stood. “Don’t fucking talk about that shit.”
He laughed and followed me out of the room. “I’ll take care of her man, trust that.”
I knew he was a good man, and hoped for Natalie’s sake he was going to be the man she deserved.
When we got back into the living room, Ashton was still by the window but had her arms crossed on her chest and we made eye contact right away. She was waiting for me. She had the same outfit on like always along with her glasses, but today she let Natalie do her hair. She put soft curls in it and her dark hair hung halfway down her back.
My beautiful sweet, Ashton.
Natalie came to stand next to her and wrapped an arm around Ashton’s shoulder. I waited for a response from Ashton but she did nothing. She embraced it, and I could see her standing taller, knowing that she was healing and moving on. She was proud of herself and she should be.
But she was still stuck on this normal life shit.
Ashton’s session turned into couple’s therapy for us and it’s our new routine. She’s letting me in. She’s letting me love her.
Tomorrow, though, we’ll be discussing the topic again. For some reason, when we are with Suzanne, in that room, she’s open and honest with me. Yes, we talk but she doesn’t fully open herself up to me, but I know she’s trying. I know she fully trusts Suzanne and I get to push her a little more in therapy which only helps us both.
I was only in counseling for about a year, but it’s good to have it in my life again. Even though the focus is on Ashton and her recovery, we talk about mine. We talk about my past and what I had to overcome to be the person I am now. I know Ashton loves me. She shows me every day by making the progress she is even though the words haven’t left her mouth. I don’t need the words to know she loves me. She tells me in her own way, without the words.
Ashton smiled at me, and Natalie yelled, “I’m getting married!”
I swung my head to my mom who was in the kitchen clapping her hands and bouncing around like she already knew.
“Mom?”
“Yes, dear?”
“Did you know?”
She stopped clapping and ran her hands on the side of her head, to fix her hair even though there was nothing wrong with it. “Of course. Nick asked for my permission.”
“And you said yes?”
She smirked and picked up a stack of plates. “Come help me set the table.”
Every Sunday night we had dinner at my apartment. And every Sunday, Ashton got more and more relaxed and comfortable with Mom and Nick. She usually kept quiet during dinner but prior to dinner, she and Natalie would chat alone, in front of the window. Natalie made her laugh on a few occasions and I tried to take a picture of those times, but they always turned out blurry. Her brother came a few times but had been sick last week and he wanted to make sure he was one hundred percent healthy before joining us again. He started dating some girl that moved into the building next to ours and Ashton has yet to meet her. She wanted to wait until they’d been together for a few months before meeting her and we all agreed it’d be a good idea to slowly ease her into another change.
My leg was healing though I didn’t want to push it. I was taking my time because I wanted to be able to run again and I knew slow and steady would
get me back to where I needed to be.
I missed running. I craved it, my body craved it, and I was going through withdrawals from not being able to feed my addiction. I was keeping it together as best as I could. I just had to remind myself that I would be running again, but I just had to wait. In the meantime, I was trying to get Ashton to run for me but she thought it was silly. I thought it’d help get that anger out of her but it was still a work in progress.
Ashton’s mirror was still covered with my words, and she still hasn’t looked at herself, but she wanted to. She tried a few times but just isn’t ready to face herself.
Halfway through dinner, she started rubbing her hand on my leg which told me she was starting to panic. I didn’t know why and that always bothered me the most.
I slipped my hand into hers and squeezed it a few times, so she could focus on it. I told her I’d try to time my squeezes to the beat of our song so she could close her eyes and pretend she was listening to it. Sometimes it helped, sometimes it didn’t.
I leaned over and whispered in her ear, “Hold on, Ash. Hold on.”
She squeezed my hand again and held it for a few seconds before she let go. I ate a little faster and we wrapped dinner up, and I got her home before she had a panic attack.
“Thank you,” she said, heading down the hallway and out of sight. I went to the fridge and grabbed the pills and washed them down with some water. I needed to calm the throbbing in my leg and get some sleep.
I wished she’d open herself up more when it was just us.
I wanted her trust, all of it.
Chapter 24 - Ashton
“I still can’t go to a movie or go shopping,” I said gripping the back of the couch while Suzanne scribbled in her notebook. “He wants me to run for him and I can’t. He wants me to look in the mirror and I can’t. I still don’t go anywhere without my glasses, not even Sunday dinners, even though his mom and Natalie have seen my scars. I just can’t be normal! I don’t know how! It's-”
“Stop!” Lincoln yelled, and I snapped my mouth shut. He’s never yelled like that. I looked at Suzanne who was eyeing Lincoln, trying to read him.
“Ashton,” he said not looking at me. “Come here.”
I stayed behind the couch and wondered what was going on.
He’s never had this tone with me.
“Please Ashton, come here.”
I glanced back at Suzanne who nodded at me, encouraging me to go to him which still bothered me that I sometimes wasn’t sure how to think. I stood tall and slowly walked over to the end of the couch and Lincoln reached his hand out for me. He gestured for me to sit down in front of him on the floor. I didn’t want to but did it anyway because I knew I had pissed him off. I didn’t like it when he was upset because he didn’t deserve that. He’s been nothing but kind and supporting of me and my ways and I just wanted him to be happy. To be happy with me.
I sat with my legs crossed right in front of him. Eye to eye. Every day I felt myself getting braver, getting stronger, and I had him to thank for that. He did that.
We stared into each other’s eyes for a few minutes while we held hands and his eyes started to smile. I felt myself relax and I took a breath in and let it out, while he collected his thoughts.
“You’re not allowed to say the word normal ever again.”
I knew where this was going.
“I don’t care about a normal life,” he said, gripped my hands a little tighter. “I don’t even know what a normal life is.”
I gave him a small smile.
“I want a life with you, Ashton. Whatever that is, wherever it takes us. I just want to be with you.” He squeezed my hand and the longest part of his hair fell free at the side of his face. “Everything else will come with time. It’s only been a few months so stop being so hard on yourself. Your recovery is going to take time, and I’m here for you. Right by your side.”
It’s still amazing how nice he is to me. I still didn’t get it, but I wasn’t fighting it anymore either. I was just letting things happen and trying to go with the flow.
He wants me.
Just the way I am.
I wasn’t healed, not yet; and I’m not sure when and if that’d ever happen. But I was getting better. I was in control more now than I ever was but in a good way. The post-it-notes were gone from my walls but not completely gone from my life. Lincoln always wrote you’re beautiful on some and would hide them around the apartment. They weren’t black either, always a random color. I had no idea when he did it.
The more I heard it, and read it, the more I believed it.
I was beautiful.
I’m sorry, I mouthed and he bent forward and I lifted myself up to meet his kiss.
“I want a life with you also, Lincoln, whatever it is, where it takes us.”
“You’re still holding on?” he asked and normally that was my line, so I said his line instead. “I’m holding on to something I’ll never let go of.”
He smiled.
“I’m still unsteady, Lincoln.”
“I’m still holding on.”
God, we were so cheesy but that song was our song.
For the most part, we were happy. I have my bad days, always will, but those good days were good. So good. I had so many good memories that they started to wash out the bad ones.
“I don’t like your cologne,” I blurted out then slapped my hand over my mouth.
“Really?”
I nodded.
“I won’t wear it anymore.”
I dropped my hand. “I love the smell of your soap.”
He smiled and raised an eyebrow. “My soap?”
“It’s not as strong and just smells better.”
“I’ll stop using the cologne.”
We both smiled at each other and I loved it when I could talk to him about the simple stuff. The stuff that needs to be said in relationships to make them work. To make them move forward.
I still read the note I wrote to the Devil every Monday when we come to see Suzanne, and it’s starting to sink in and stay with me.
I was starting to let things go.
I was starting to forgive him so I could build a life with Lincoln.
“This is so great!” Suzanne cheered behind me. I got up off the floor and grabbed my glasses because I knew we were coming up on our time.
“Things are moving along,” I said, watching Suzanne close her notebook and set it down.
“So, tell me more about this wedding.”
“Natalie asked me to be her Maid of Honor.”
She sat forward in her chair. “You’ll be pretty in a dress.”
“Not wearing a dress.”
“You have to. It’s a wedding.”
“I told her no,” I informed her tapping my glasses on my leg.
“Why would you do that?” she asked shocked.
“Seriously, Suzanne.”
“I’m the Best Man,” Lincoln spoke up. “It only makes sense that you’d be the Maid of Honor.”
“I can’t do it.”
“You haven’t even thought about it,” Suzanne shot back.
“Don’t have to.”
“My sister wouldn’t have asked if she thought you couldn’t handle it.”
I shrugged a shoulder. “Our time is up.”
I didn’t want to discuss this because it’d take years before I could even think about doing something like this. There’d be too many people, and I’d be out in public. My heart picked up its pace and I had to push the thoughts away to get it to slow down.
Suzanne stood and straightened her black blouse. “You’re lucky I have another appointment or I’d make you stay and talk about this.”
I smirked and stood also.
“But there is always next week.”
She had me there.
###
Later that evening we were in bed and I snuggled into his side like always. He could only sleep
on his back until his leg healed more. He rarely complained about it even though I knew it bothered him.
Every night, I’d sit up and kiss him on the lips before bed but no tongue. I felt like I was a tease sometimes but I had never kissed someone with the tongue being part of it and I was so nervous. I talked to Natalie about it and she said, ‘it’s one of those things you just have to go for.’ She said everyone kisses differently and that I should follow Lincoln’s lead.
But I have yet to do that.
He said he’d wait for me but it still bothered me. I still worried about it, every day.
“I love you, Ashton,” he said after I pulled back from the kiss.
I always smile back at him, afraid to say those three words. I knew I loved him, but at the same time, he could leave me. He could leave at any minute and then those words would be lost but my feelings wouldn’t.
I was just too damn afraid.
“What are you thinking about?”
“You,” I replied, not moving so I could see his beautiful blue eyes. He put an arm behind his head, lifting himself up a little bit.
“I look good on you.”
I laughed.
“I know,” he said, “that was lame.”
“I liked it,” I replied.
“I like you.”
“I like you too, Linc.”
He ran his other hand over my cheek and through my hair. He had the magic touch, to soothe me, calm me, and make me feel beautiful. Sometimes I forget I have the scars and I never thought that was possible.
“Natalie’s having her wedding on the rooftop.”
I opened my eyes. “What?”
“I suggested it, she loved it.”
“When did you guys talk about it?” I asked.
“Earlier, when we were texting,” he replied, still running his hand through my hair, making me feel beautiful.
“Oh.”
“So give it some more thought, to the whole Maid of Honor thing, please. It’s probably just going to be a few people.”
“I guess I could think about it.”
His hand stopped behind my head and he held me a little tighter, and I focused in on his lips. He hasn’t shaved in a few weeks and a little beard was starting to show. I thought it made him even more handsome, but I liked him no matter what.
