“In two Saturdays, we are going out as a group to the art gallery. For those of you who would like to go, please see me after dinner and express your interest,” Randall announces. “For those of you who do not wish to go, Dr. Shepherd and Timothy will be here on staff so that you may stay behind for independent reflection.”
The clients’ excitement is evident. They must like getting out of here from time to time, since most of them are here for at least a month or more.
For the rest of the meal, I feel the tension emanating from Tyke. Every time I look in his direction, his eyes are fixed on me. If he’s not careful, people are going to figure out something is going on between us and start prying, asking questions, and I’ll be forced to lie.
No one can ever know what we did.
When everyone is finished, Randall stands, and the clients immediately flock to him. Excited murmurs fill the room as everyone rushes to tell him they want to go.
I stand and head for the foyer, needing to prepare for the group session I’m about to lead. When I get to the room, the door closing behind me startles me. Quickly, I whip around and my heart thumps against my ribs.
Tyke stands a few mere feet from me, a perplexed expression on his face. “Do you want to tell me what the hell that was about back there?”
I shake my head and turn back toward the table, focusing on the handouts I prepared for the session earlier in the day. “I don’t know what you mean.”
Unsatisfied with that answer, he steps next to me and grabs my wrist, turning me, forcing me to look at him. “Yes, you do. What’s with the cold shoulder? I thought we had things figured out?”
I narrow my eyes and jerk my hand away from him. “Look, Tyke, I’m not interested in being your fuck-buddy while you’re stuck here. We had sex—one time. It’s not going to happen again.”
He shoves his fingers into his hair and sighs. “I don’t think of you that way.”
I want to believe that. To feel that I’m more to him than just some easy lay. After seeing how much emotion he put into that song he sang about me, it seems like I mean something to him.
“How do you think of me then?” I ask before I even realize I’ve said the question out loud.
He licks his lips and takes a determined step toward me, my hips fitting perfectly in his hands as he pulls me against his chest. “You’ve taken up every spare inch in my brain since I got here, Frannie.”
I take a deep breath. “Don’t tell me lies, even if they’re sweet. You don’t have to do that with me. If you just want sex—”
He tips my chin up with his index finger. “I don’t.”
“Don’t,” I repeat and then close my eyes unable to look at him. “Don’t say things you don’t mean. I know what this is. I’ve been in situations like this before.”
He tilts his head. “Why?”
I flinch back and do my best to evade it. “Why what?”
“Why do you think I’m just using you? Don’t you feel it?” he whispers, and the warmth of his breath floats across my lips. “The connection we have is insane. There’s no faking that. What’s happening between us is more than just sex, Frannie.”
While I’ve felt an array of emotions for Tyke Douglas, the invisible rope pulling us together is just too strong. “Tyke...”
“There’s no need to deny it. It’s written all over your face that you feel the same way.”
I shake my head. “It doesn’t matter. Soon you’ll be gone, back on the road, and where will that leave me? If we get caught, I’ll be jobless. I’ll have nothing, and you’ll have moved on and all this will have been for nothing.” Tears threaten to spill from eyes as I explain our reality to him. “There will never be an us. Ever. It’s not worth the risk.”
“So that’s it? You’re done? Just like that? Can you really walk away from this—from the possibility of an ‘us’?”
“Tyke, what choice do I have?” The quiver in my voice tells me I won’t be able to hold the tears back much longer.
“You always have a choice, Frannie.” He steps back and grabs his chest with both hands, fisting the dark fabric of his T-shirt. “Choose me. We’ll leave this place together.”
“I’ve worked too hard. I can’t—I won’t—walk out on a career for a man I barely know.”
My heart squeezes in my chest as I see how desperate he is to hang on to what little bit of a relationship we’ve started, and how much my harsh words are a slap in the face. As much as I wish we could have a fairy tale romance, I know this is reality and happily ever afters don’t happen to broken people like us. It’s best to cut things off now, before we get in any deeper. “Besides, you’re not ready to run away from here. You still need help.”
His face contorts with pain as he steps back from me. “You still think I’m a druggie, and yet you fuck me?” He turns away from me and locks his fingers behind his head. “So we’re done? Just like that? Got what you wanted and now you’re ready to bounce? You’re just like everybody else in my life. You used me.”
“Tyke.” I reach for him but quickly pull back, knowing that while it makes me a cruel bitch to hurt him like this, it’s the right thing to do.
For both of us.
He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. The second he exhales, a look of clarity shines in his eyes. They meet mine. “Fine. If that’s how you want it, I won’t bother you again.”
My lower lip trembles as I pretend to be unfazed by his decision, lifting my chin defiantly. “I think it’s best for both of us to remain strictly professional and pretend that we never allowed things to—”
He holds up his hand, and his expression contorts once again. “Distance. I got it. Consider this afternoon forgotten.”
I hate that I’m hurting him, but I don’t know another way to end this before we get too deep and I allow my heart to be crushed. I promised myself I would never care for anyone again. I don’t want to ever feel the pain that comes when a person leaves you forever. But the way he’s looking at me...it’s almost too much to bear.
The door opens and we immediately step away from each other. The rest of the clients filter into the room, and I’m suddenly paranoid that they’ll be able to feel the tension in the between us.
Tyke walks over and takes the seat furthest from where I’m standing. He stretches his long legs out and then throws one arm over the back of the metal chair next to him.
He doesn’t look in my direction again.
“Wicked Game” – Stone Sour
As I sit here locked in a room full of people struggling with addictions, I know the point is to listen to their stories and find comfort in the fact that I’m not alone. The problem is, right now, I feel more alone than ever. Frannie’s words still ring in my head. I don’t know why I thought she was different; that I was special to her. It’s my own fault for reading into something that was never really there. She was right. We barely know each other.
I do my best not to look at her as she sits across from me and leads the group therapy session.
Now that I’ve tasted her, I don’t know if I can ever pretend that I haven’t. I get that this job means a lot to her, and that she wants to protect it, but doesn’t she care about hurting me?
“—and that’s when I knew I had a problem. I couldn’t get my life back on track when she turned me down for the prom.” I fight the urge to roll my eyes at this idiot.
The only thing I know about this Arnold guy is that he’s never been able to get over his high school crush turning him down. He’s a fucking nut job. Who lingers for years on a woman turning them down? A woman he never had a shot at to begin with.
Next time I see Dr. Shepherd, I’m going to request not to come to any more of these sessions. What will listening to some crazy guy babble on do for me?
I shift my weight in my chair, catching the attention of Josie Sullivan. She smiles at me from the next chair over, biting her lip and motioning to the empty seat I’m resting my arm on. I shrug. Josie takes that as an
invitation and slides over next to me. At first I think about moving my arm, not wanting to lead her on because I’m simply not interested, but then I glance across the room and catch Frannie’s perplexed expression. I know it’s a dick move, but I want to make her jealous. I want to show her that just because she doesn’t want me, doesn’t mean that someone else won’t.
Josie is an attractive woman. Fake, but attractive all the same. I’ve spoken to her in passing at the Grammys, but she was more interested in hitting on Noel. She’s a known fame-whore, and rumor has it she slept her way to her first record deal.
Josie’s brown eyes stare up at me, and she flashes her best flirty smile. “Thanks for the seat.”
As Arnold continues to prattle on about his most debilitating moments as a teenager, I lean into Josie’s ear and whisper, “You’re most welcome.”
My eyes flit in Frannie’s direction. I see the pain in her eyes as she focuses all her attention on Josie and me, and that’s when I know it’s not over between us, giving me all the motivation I need not to give up just yet.
I make it to Frannie’s office well before our scheduled appointment time. Last night while I lay awake in my bed, I did nothing but think of her. Making her jealous yesterday was fucked up on my part, but I was hurt and I couldn’t help but lash out.
I tried to convince myself to let her go, but I still want her. There’s no denying that. But it can’t just be me—I want her to want me back just as much. The file she has on me probably gives her the impression that I’m some womanizing man-whore who has no feelings, and I hate that. I don’t want her to write me off just because she thinks what we did in the woods meant nothing. I need to make her see that I meant what I said about our connection being strong, and that I feel that, for some reason, we are fated to be together.
I pull out another green guitar pick and write two simple words, Miss you, on the back, sticking it between the petals of the red rose I picked from the garden on my way here. I think about laying it on her desk, right in the open, to make sure she sees it, but decide it’s better for her to find it after I leave. I place the flower on her chair and then push it under her desk, hiding it from sight.
After I’m satisfied with the flower placement, I take a seat on the couch and wait for Frannie. Moments later she comes waltzing into the room, her dark hair pulled up, showing off her slender neck. The black fitted jacket and skirt she has on gives off an extra edge of professionalism that I know is a message to me. It doesn’t make her any less appealing, though.
“You look beautiful,” I tell her as she takes the seat across from me.
She crosses her legs and rests her tablet in her lap. “Tyke.”
There’s a warning in her voice, but that doesn’t slow me down. “It’s not okay for me to tell you that you look nice now?”
She shakes her head. “No. Professional, remember?”
I hold my hands up in surrender, not wanting to push her anymore. “I’ll be good.”
She stares at me for a long moment, and then once she’s satisfied that I’m telling her the truth, she slides her glasses onto her face. “Did you write anything down in your notebook?”
I open the notebook and stare down at the only song that came to mind last night. Besides humming the tune to “Ball Busting Bitch”, I also found myself singing another song. A song where the guy doesn’t want to fall in love, but the woman on his mind is the only one in the world who can save him. The pain in the lyrics hit me last night. The game Frannie and I are playing is totally wicked—one that can destroy us both. Desire has made us foolish and we’ve done something we wouldn’t normally do in order to sedate it.
I clear my throat. “I wrote down another song title.”
She tilts her head and asks in a voice that’s barely above a whisper, “What is it?”
I chew the inside of my cheek. “‘Wicked Game.’”
She leans back in her chair. “Can we not make this session about you and me?”
My eyes widen. That wasn’t exactly the reaction I was expecting. “You wanted me to write down songs that came to mind, and all I did last night was think of you.”
She pulls her glasses off her face. “I’m sorry if you feel like I’m playing games with you. It was never my intention to lead you on. I take full responsibility for what happened, and I apologize to you for that. I promise it won’t happen again. I don’t want you getting the wrong idea.”
“The wrong idea? I know you want me, just like I want you.”
Her tough exterior cracks a bit as her eyes drift up to the ceiling. “Tyke, please,” she whispers. “Can we just focus on the reason you’re here?”
My entire body stiffens. “I’m pretty sure I’m cured. I’ve haven’t had benzodiazepines for nearly a week, and I’m perfectly fine.”
She frowns. “There’s no curing an addiction. Being here, detoxing away from temptations, is the easy part. Living with it—battling every single day—is where the real work begins, and sometimes—” She cuts herself off and takes a deep breath. “Sometimes you fall off the wagon.”
I shake my head. “That’s not going to happen to me.”
“Don’t be so sure,” she lectures.
I cross my arms over my chest. “Why do you say that? You can’t possibly know that I won’t be able to stay away from it. It’s not like you know what it’s like.”
She licks her lips like her mouth has suddenly gone dry. “Actually, I know exactly what it’s like to fight an addiction.”
I raise my eyebrows. “What could you possibly be addicted to? You’re perfect.”
“There’s something you should know about me.” Her blue eyes focus on me. “I struggle every day, and since you came into my life...” She pauses and takes a deep breath, letting it out slowly. “I’m a recovering sex addict.”
Her admission catches me off guard. “Sex addict?”
My mind spins, trying to get a handle on exactly what she’s just said.
Holy—fucking—shit.
“Are you fucking with me right now?” I ask, making sure this isn’t some sort of sick joke.
“I wish I was,” she whispers.
I scrub my hand down my face as the shock turns to anger. I think about us fucking in the woods yesterday, and how she immediately cut me off afterwards. “Is that’s why you blew me off? I’m your relapse?”
She shakes her head. “No.” She hesitates and then sighs. “Well, yes and no. What happened with us...it was more than just giving in to my baser urges. When you sang that song about me, it touched me, and I couldn’t help but give into the physical urge my body craved. I had no intention of beginning a relationship with you.”
Things begin to click. “Jesus. You’re just like all the other groupies who wanted to screw me.”
“No!” she shouts and then quickly covers her mouth and then whispers harshly, “It’s not like that.”
I want to believe her because God knows she wasn’t just some random fuck for me. The thought of what happened between us meaning nothing to her fucking hurts. For some reason, I allowed myself to become emotionally attached to Frannie, and I don’t know if it’s because she seems to understand me, or because I can’t shake the feeling I’m here to save her.
I pick at my leather cuff and wonder out loud, “Then tell me what it is like, Frannie. I need to know if I should give up on us or not.”
She runs her hand through her hair and looks away, but then turns back toward me with her chin pointed down. “I don’t know what you want me to say.”
“Tell me how you feel. Tell me if I should fight to make you see that we can work,” I urge.
Her brow furrows with confusion. “Why would you still want me after I told you my secret? I’m a mess.”
The corner of my mouth pulls up into an understanding smile. “I’m the last person to judge you, don’t you think? It’s not like I don’t have my own sordid past. After all, it wasn’t clean living that landed me in rehab.”
T
hat earns me a smile. “I suppose so. You are a rock star, after all. I’m sure you’ve done worse. You’ve probably been with thousands of women.”
I grimace. “I think my dick would’ve fallen off by now if I’d been with a thousand women.”
“I just don’t understand why you care so much. We barely know one another.”
“That’s true,” I admit. “But you’re the first one to have given more than two shits about me in a long time.”
She frowns. “I’m sure that’s not true.”
“But it is,” I defend my statement. “Riff, Noel, and even my own brother have been too busy with their own shit over the past couple of years. I’ve felt nothing but alone. This last year has been the hardest of my entire life. I’ve lived on the road with these guys, knowing they’re disgusted by me, knowing they really don’t want me around. Do you know how shitty that made me feel? To be unwanted? You, Frannie—you make me feel needed, and that’s why I’m fighting for you.”
She nods. “I’ve felt that way my entire life. My parents have always been too busy for me or my sister. Annie was the one person in this world I knew would always be there for me, even when no one else would.”
Having a twin is unlike any other relationship in the world. Throughout my life, Trip has always been there, even when no one else has been—even now. Even though he was pissed at me, he still cared enough to bring me here to get help.
“I can’t imagine losing Trip,” I admit.
“Losing Annie was the most difficult thing that’s ever happened to me. I know it’s no excuse, but that’s why I turned to sex. I wanted the closeness. To allow myself the illusion of love, even for a little while, but at the same time keeping everyone at a distance. I don’t ever want to feel the pain of losing someone else I love again.”
I nod. “So you close yourself off to make it easier? You think that’s healthy?”
“I know it’s not. That’s why I’m determined to turn my life around. I thought by coming here—”
“That you’d be safe from temptations?” I fill in the gap for her. “I’m sorry.”
Rock My Body Page 11
