I paused. Maybe I was on T.V., some sort of prank show toying with me. My eyes darted around a moment but I didn’t see anyone looking at us. There wasn't anywhere to hide a camera, either.
"Well," I said, "You're supposed to be offended and angry for one."
"Oh I am!" he said, louder than before, "What else should I be?"
He had decided he could toy with me. I put my hands over my face and slumped.
"This isn’t a game," I said, "It was wrong for me to lead you on. It was wrong for me to use you. It's not what good people do. And here you are, laughing at me, as if you don't even care"
Sebastian didn't say anything. I waited, hiding my face in shame and frustration. I deserved being laughed at. I had been in the wrong. It just wasn't what I had expected.
"Prussia," he said. His voice was quiet, "I realize this isn't easy for you. But honesty is never easy. That's why so many people lie. I find it charming that lying does this to you. I think it's the mark of a great person. I wish that more people were like you,"
I pulled my hands down from my face. I had just told this man I had been using him and he said he wished more people were like me. What did that mean?
"Have you been lying to me since we met?" I asked.
He sat back. I had offended him. I could only tell because he had been so relaxed and smiling before. His face had changed quickly. It had been the most honest and straight forward emotion I had seen on his face since I had started telling him what I had done. And he didn't answer. He just looked at me.
"Prussia," began Sebastian, “the most important things in a relationship are honesty and trust. I wouldn't lie to you,"
He took one of my hands in his and patted my hand.
"But I began lying to you the moment we met," I said in a whisper, looking down.
"And I forgive you," said Sebastian, "because now I know that from this moment on we're speaking honestly,"
My brain hadn't caught up. He wasn't angry, he was happy. This was so odd. I told him I had been lying and he was happy about it. But that didn’t make sense because he knows I love Robert, that I want Robert back.
"Sebastian," I said, "You understand we’re not dating,"
I tried to say it gently because I felt like he didn’t understand what it all meant. He must think I had come clean so we could continue dating.
"I think you’re an amazing woman." said Sebastian.
"An amazing woman with a boyfriend," I said, "I'm still dating Robert..."
I tried to read his face. He had on a smile but it didn't feel as genuine as it had before. Some other emotion was at work and I couldn't place what it was. I couldn’t put my finger on it. He patted my hand gently.
"Well, now," he said, "I think that the events of this morning spell out an entirely different situation if my memory serves me correctly,"
"No," I said, "This morning was just…confusing-"
"Because I'm pretty sure that boyfriend of yours," Sebastian said, "went off with Lydia and gave me a firm 'No' on the boyfriend label,"
He continued smiling but I don't think he enjoyed this conversation. If anything he seemed more upset over me explaining that I still wanted to be with Robert than finding out I had been using him.
"That was all Lydia's doing," I explained, "As soon as I get a chance to talk to Robert, it will all work out,"
"So you didn't tell him that you wanted to be together?" asked Sebastian.
"No, I did. He just didn't understand," I said, "He was going somewhere and there was just some miscommunication because so much was going on all at once. It was all so hectic,"
He nodded his head and smiled.
"But he thought that you were separated for some time? This is why he and Lydia know each other so well?" asked Sebastian.
"No," I said, "That all happened just this morning. Lydia is just our neighbor,"
That made me angry. I felt that same frustration as the night I went jogging start bubbling up. He sat there nodding with his sarcastic smile as if he knew everything. I wanted to pour my coffee in his lap. I wished it was hot still. I could feel tears begin to well up in my eyes. Hot, angry tears threatened to spill over and water down my cold coffee.
Sebastian didn't say anything but his hand was on mine once more, rubbing gently this time instead of patting.
"Prussia, you are a wonderful woman-" he said.
"With a boyfriend," I murmured, a tearful catch in my throat.
"With a boyfriend that doesn't love you and is not worthy of you," said Sebastian.
I looked up at him then, not wanting to hear what he had to say.
"That's your opinion," I said, "And it's wrong,"
I said it with as much conviction as I had.
"If he loved you he would be sitting here next to you," said Sebastian, a coldness to his voice, "not out with Lydia," and the last part had a touch of what I easily recognized as anger.
I couldn’t tell if he meant to direct his anger at Robert or Lydia. It could have been both. But he was angry for me and that melted some of my own anger towards him.
"I'm just trying to be honest, Prussia," he said, "You deserve so much better and…I'm just asking for a chance to be that for you,"
I looked at his strong hand on top of mine and thought about it for a moment. Sebastian was handsome and he had saved my life once already. After what I had done to him I didn't deserve him if he was as wonderful as he seemed.
"I don't think I can," I said, "My heart is still Robert's. Whether you believe he loves me or not, I still love him and I have to try,"
Sebastian pulled his hands back from mine and sat back in his chair. A look of contemplation crossing over his face. I felt studied. I felt naked in that moment as his eyes searched my face.
"Robert is a fool," he said after a moment, "but then so am I,"
"What?" I asked.
"I don't want to be away from you, Prussia," said Sebastian, "And if that means trying to win you away from Robert then I'm willing to try."
"I don't understand," I said.
His face was set with determination. His eyes had a fierceness to them, a confidence.
"You owe me," he said.
My mouth fell open and I spilled my coffee. Too shocked to pay attention to the tiny puddle I had spilled. It made its way towards the edge of the table. My eyes were locked with Sebastian’s. I wish he had just been angry. I knew how to deal with angry. I was not prepared to deal with this.
"I'm sorry?" I asked, looking for clarification.
"And so am I," said Sebastian, "but you owe me after using me and I hate to do this to you, Prussia, but I can't let you go. Even if your heart belongs to another,"
He must be completely crazy! Nobody says these sorts of things. How could he blackmail me for what I did? As if I didn't feel guilty enough, he wanted me to pay some sort of penance and…date him?
"You are absolutely insane," I said, "Who thinks this way?"
"I don't know," he said, "Who uses the man who saved her life to cheat on her boyfriend and make him jealous?"
He said it so casually, so calmly as if I couldn't argue it. I snapped my mouth shut and crossed my arms. I never thought I would be so angry by the time this whole thing was said and done.
"I'm just saying, I think you owe it to me to at least spend time with me," he said, "You know, time with me and not thinking about Robert and plotting how to use me to make him jealous. I just want a fair chance,"
He looked at me as if what he proposed was completely rational. Yes, it was underhanded but so was what I had done. Still, I’m dating Robert or at least had been. Robert and I were not actually, technically, at this very moment dating. I had seen the way he had left with Lydia. And I had been lying to myself if I thought that just magically happened over night.
Had it simply been a mix-up? Had my plan backfired because Robert, too, was an opportunist? I looked Sebastian over and tried to think of what my mother would say if I had known her. I had nothing but
a sigh and my imagination. If spending time with Sebastian was the way I could make up for how I had wronged him then it wasn’t much to ask.
"I'm not sleeping with you," I said, laying out the law as Sebastian's eyebrow went up to show his amusement, "And we're not dating. We're just..."
I tried to think of a way to describe this arrangement without making it sound like we were dating.
"We're just seeing each other," said Sebastian, a big grin spread across his face.
That wasn't going to work either. That made it sound worse than saying we were dating.
"No," I said, shaking my head, "We're friends,"
"Oh come on," he said, turning up the charm and giving me a wink, "We're more than friends,"
"Just friends or nothing at all," I said.
I crossed my arms and tried to look tough. My biggest negotiations had been paper or plastic for a good while so this was unfamiliar ground.
"Fine," he said, "Friends...for now,"
"Fine," I said, echoing him.
I felt worse than before. I kind of felt owned. I mean, this was emotional blackmail over matters of the heart, wasn’t it? And the realization that Robert and I were not officially together anymore stung.
It hurt me and made my anger rise up. I sipped my cold coffee as Sebastian sat there like he had won something, statuesque and victorious. He looked completely pleased with himself. I on the other hand felt like I was in deeper than I had bargained for. How in the world would I be able to get Robert back? And get rid of Lydia without explaining this to Robert why I continued spending time with Sebastian. I hadn't thought this one out. Not in the least.
By the time we were done with our coffee he had some place to be and I had to get home and wash off all the shame. I had to figure out how to get rid of Lydia. I wasn’t going to be able to get Robert back if he had a shiny toy to play with. Besides, I wouldn't mind seeing her with her toy taken away from her as well.
Figuring out how exactly to get rid of Lydia would be the hard part. I looked over at Sebastian as he threw away our cups and offered an arm for me to hold as we walked back to my apartment building. I just might have the hardest time convincing Sebastian that there were better fish in the sea for him. Though he was handsome, if I ever wanted to get Robert back I couldn't see Sebastian anymore. But for now we had a deal, even if it was blackmail.
Sebastian promised to call and I promised I would, even though I wasn’t sure I wanted to, answer. He placed a gentle kiss on my hand, then he left and I scrubbed my hand for fifteen minutes in the shower. Because for a moment, I had enjoyed his lips on my hand.
CHAPTER NINE - Sebastian
This day wasn’t going the way I wanted. I had postponed as long as I possibly could. I sent a team to track down Lydia after she had escaped from my car trunk and literally walked right up to me to rub it in my face. The team had to wait until that idiot Robert had been distracted to return her to my trunk. If she was smart Lydia would have run for her life. I had no idea what the Queen would do.
I pulled the car into the drive and decided I might as well use the front door. I’m getting ready to present Lydia on a silver platter to the Queen. I wanted to let her go. I still had the urge. I could hear her pounding on the inside of the trunk lid. I couldn't trust her to sit in the car with me. I loved her but I wasn't an idiot. I saw the look in her eyes before I knocked her out. She would have torn me to shreds to get to Prussia. It made no sense to me why she hated Prussia so much. One second she's playing nice and toying with Prussia's loser boyfriend and the next she's gone bat shit crazy trying to end her.
The door to the front of the castle opened. It was cast in shadows and I couldn't really see in. Apparently, I was expected. That or Charlie wanted me to get out of the car so it wasn't in the way. The sun was past noon. My coffee date with Prussia had taken longer than I expected. I couldn't miss my date with Prussia. I had to choose. So I had left Lydia locked in the trunk and that’s when she had escaped. She wasn't happy. I could hear her seething anger in each swear word she shouted from the trunk. I put my sunglasses on and got out of the car, taking a few quick steps to the trunk. Lydia banged on the lid from inside the trunk.
"Let me out of here you fucking bastard," Lydia screamed.
As far as screams go, I had never heard her angrier. Great. I would get clawed again. Just what I needed. I banged on the lid.
"Shut your mouth or I'll let you rot in there," I told her.
She went quiet. I was stalling, trying to think of a way to get Lydia to behave half decent so that the Queen would spare her, show her some mercy. Maybe she would just send her to ground for a decade or two. That was a harsh punishment. No one would think it too lenient. Even for disobeying the Queen. And they say after the first couple of years it's not so bad. It's just the first few years that drive you absolutely mad.
"Let me out of here right now and I won't tell the Queen that you got in the way of me killing Prussia!" she yelled at me in a calmer voice but still angry.
I couldn't help myself. I let out a laugh. Here she’s trying to pull a con on me, a lie that could end me. I thought back to her look, those dead-set determined eyes that were prepared to go through me to get to Prussia. I laid a hand on the trunk lid. If I had planned to let her go I would have before I got to the castle. Hell, I wouldn’t have sent a team to find her after she got away. But it was as plain as ever that Lydia, if she ever cared for me, wasn't as in love with me as I was with her. My heart ached. I still wanted her to live. I wanted to fix her, to make her better, to just convince her to behave so we could be together. But not at the expense of my own life.
"If you try to run, I'll kill you," I said, loud enough for her to hear but not too loud. I meant it. I think she believed me.
"Okay, it's your funeral," she said.
I opened the trunk and she tried to punch me. I caught her wrist and twisted it around her, hugging her close to me so that she couldn't struggle.
"I mean it," I said close to her ear.
We were both breathing heavy. It wasn't exertion. It was adrenaline.
"I know," she said, her hair in my face.
The breeze brushed her hair away. I could see that she wasn't happy to be here. She didn't want to be here at all. A party in full swing has more witnesses. It's no fun to cause a scene when there is no audience. And it's not a warm thought when you're about to die without witnesses.
"Take me," she said, "or don't,"
A master of manipulation, I knew what she meant. She taunted me with the power she knew she had over me, that dangerous knowledge that she could flip like a switch - I loved her completely.
"Yes, Lady Lydia," I said.
She bit her lip. I think using her old title hurt her and made it real. We were about to enter our world, the world very few knew of and if anything, we were formal and final. There would be no appeal.
I kept my hand wrapped around her wrist and guided her out of the trunk. I pulled her up the steps of the castle and dragged her through the many hallways that crisscrossed.
When we made it to the Queen's chambers, I was surprised to find that Lydia put up less of a struggle and even seemed unafraid.
"I warned you," said Lydia to me as I knocked on the Queen's door, "I loved you," she whispered.
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