When the carriage was brought around and Mrs Adams gone, Stuart turned to Frederick, mortified. “Can I apologise….” he started.
“There’s no need; I have the sneaking suspicion she has saved both myself and my wife from a very bleak future,” Frederick said quickly. “I just have to work out how to put her advice, or should I say instructions, into action.”
“As long as she hasn’t overstepped the mark?” Stuart asked concerned about his mother’s conduct.
“Well, yes, she did but for a good reason,” Frederick acknowledged. “I will tell you one thing I hope you don’t see fit to repeat: I have no idea how you ever got away with anything as a child; I think I would have been terrified to do anything wrong!”
Stuart smiled, “A supportive father and later many miles of distance!” he responded.
*
Frances took some convincing to relinquish care of Annabelle to Frederick. Only with Stuart’s support and the knowledge that Mrs Adams had put him on the right track was she finally convinced Annabelle would be safe in his presence.
As he sat beside his wife Frederick had a long night to think over what Mrs Adams had guessed at, and replay every conversation between himself and Annabelle. It was a difficult night for him, but as the sun started to rise, Annabelle started to stir.
She awoke slowly, Frederick leaving her to come round in her own time. Laudanum was a devil to shake off anyway; the amount he had been told the doctor had given Annabelle would knock out someone twice her size.
It felt strange watching her sleep; when they had shared a bed on their wedding trip, he had been very offended with her rejection, but he had still watched her. Now she was lying before him, a woman he had kissed and held far less than he wanted too; but he had deep feelings for her. She looked younger than her years, her peaceful expression tugged at his heart. She was beautiful, vulnerable and, if Mrs Adams was correct, Annabelle had been let down by everyone who cared for her.
Annabelle opened her eyes slowly, her lids still feeling heavy. Everything was confused, and life seemed so far away somehow. She sighed and turned on her back, noticing Frederick for the first time. The guilt of the days before immediately washed over her, and she frowned.
“Frederick?” she whispered, her throat feeling coarse and scratchy.
“Sh, you’ve slept a day and night through,” Frederick said, reaching for the jug of water that had been left in preparation. “Have something to drink before you speak.”
Annabelle drank the liquid gratefully. It felt cool on her lips and throat even though it had been standing in the warmed room. She handed back the glass to Frederick and watched him closely. She was not sure what to expect.
Frederick saw the wary expression in Annabelle’s eyes and recognised it from earlier days, even before they had been married. Another time he would curse himself for not seeing that something was so obviously wrong, but for now he had to find out the truth.
“Annabelle, we need to talk, and I need your promise that you will be truthful with me,” Frederick said softly.
Alarm widened Annabelle’s eyes. “I think we’ve said everything that needs to be said.”
“I don’t,” Frederick responded. “And I don’t think you do either if you are being honest. I have an idea why you are afraid, but I need you to trust me Annabelle. I know I have let you down; but I am here now and, if there is any chance we can solve this, I want to give it a go.”
Annabelle’s nerves were on high alert. If she had been any more awake she would have sprung out of bed and put some distance between them. She had spent so much energy hiding it was second nature now. “I’m sorry I hurt you, but there is nothing else to say,” she insisted.
“Annabelle, I love you,” Frederick said quietly, leaning over and taking hold of her hand. “I think I fell in love with you the moment Mrs Adams introduced us. I know how afraid you are, and I am going to help even if I have to follow you around for the next ten years.”
Tears sprang to Annabelle’s eyes. “I lied to you; I don’t deserve your love after what I’ve done.”
“We don’t build up credit like in a card game and only receive rewards if we’ve been good,” Frederick said with a smile. “Life isn’t like that, or William would have not had to suffer through the loss of his parents, Caroline would have children of her own and Annie would be perfectly normal. Sometimes we deserve help just because there are people there at the time to help; it is no more complicated than that.”
“I’m sorry I can’t say anything more,” Annabelle insisted. Somehow putting the memories into words seemed as terrifying as the act had been.
Frederick seemed to sense what she was feeling and stood up. “Don’t be alarmed, Annabelle; I am going to lie on top of the bed next to you and wrap my arms around you. I need to feel close to you.”
Annabelle stiffened but just watched as Frederick removed his frock coat, waistcoat and boots before climbing onto the bed. He wriggled his arm under her neck and pulled her gently until she was wrapped in him. Annabelle could not help her sigh; something about his touch made her feel secure.
“Tell me. I promise the fear will ease when you share it. I won’t walk away, no matter how bad it is,” Frederick assured her.
Annabelle started to cry quietly. “It’s too horrible: you will never be able to look at me again; I don’t deserve your help.”
“I will never stop loving you until my dying day,” Frederick said. “I know you won’t believe me, but that is a promise I can give you with all my heart. Tell me Annabelle! Tell me everything.”
Whether it was because Frederick was lying behind her while he held her so she could not see his face, or she believed him, or it was nothing more than the effects of the laudanum weakening her defences, she had no idea, but she started to speak.
“I used to think I was invincible,” she said bitterly, “I had no idea how weak and pathetic I really was.”
“Children always think that,” Frederick said to reassure her.
“Father introduced Mr Wadeson to Grace and me. I should have known then, but I was arrogant. Father told him quite openly in front of us that he could have the choice of whichever unmarried daughter he wished. He responded that he would wait until he had seen Eleanor before making his decision.”
Frederick gritted his teeth but continued to hold her close to him. He did not want to interrupt; it felt as if she were not really with him but back in her hellish memories.
“I was disgusted with father and Mr Wadeson. Grace is far more placid and just continued with her life, staying out of doors not really involved with any family arguments. I don’t know whether he would have done it anyway, but my antagonism probably didn’t help. I was rude to him, openly rude. If they were going to so disregard our feelings, I wasn’t going to take it quietly. I wish I had.” The words paused when a sob broke from Annabelle, and she openly cried for many minutes.
Frederick didn’t say anything, just stroked her hair, while keeping her close. He did not wish the tears to stop; she had been holding everything inside for too long.
As the sobs eventually eased, Annabelle took a steadying breath. “He grabbed me one day and told me he did not appreciate my animosity. He said he would show me who was in charge if I continued.”
Annabelle could smell the odour of the man even now, and her stomach rolled. “He had squeezed so tight he’d bruised my arm. I was so indignant, I told mother of my feelings towards him, and she told me to be quiet and not antagonise him further. I don’t know if it was her usual lack of interest or whether she had detected something in him that she didn’t like. It was the one time I should have listened, but I was angered with self-righteous indignation so, of course, I didn’t.”
“I continued being rude, but I did make sure I was never alone with him. I had guessed he could be violent. My arm had been sore for days; even I didn’t relish further bruising. One night my parents held a dinner for their friends. I thought Mr Wadeson was invited,
but it seemed he wasn’t after all. I think this insult, as well as my rudeness, was the final straw for him.”
“Grace had retired, and I was alone in my bedchamber. Mr Wadeson entered the house without anyone seeing him. He was such a common sight by then, even if some of the staff had seen him, they probably wouldn’t have thought anything was amiss anyway. He just walked into my bedchamber and locked the door behind him. I was afraid but, of course, I challenged him.”
For Annabelle, it was as if she were still there. “How dare you! Leave immediately!” she had snapped.
“All in my own good time,” came the calm response. “We have something to sort out.”
“I shall scream the house down if you take one step closer,” Annabelle threatened.
“And I will disappear down the servant’s stairs, before anyone reaches you. What are they going to think when you tell them that big bad Mr Wadeson has been here when your father knew exactly what I was doing tonight? He will also remember the conversation I had with him about not being interested in you or your sister but that I was looking forward to meeting Eleanor. Why would he suspect I would seek you out after that? He already told me I can have the pick of you. Why the need to sneak around?”
Annabelle had felt sick to her stomach. He was right: her father would not believe her; he was all but besotted with Mr Wadeson. She tried to sound confident. “We have nothing to say to each other.”
“Maybe not, but that doesn’t mean I am not going to enjoy myself.” Mr Wadeson stepped forward and smiled at Annabelle’s involuntary step back. “There is nowhere to hide my dear. You should have listened when I warned you, but you have continued to taunt me. I can see there is only one way to make you listen.”
“I’m sorry,” Annabelle said quickly. She had realised she was in a precarious position and was far outside of her experience.
“Too late, my dear; too late,” Mr Wadeson said moving towards her. “Now it is time to make amends. There are consequences to actions, as you are going to find out.”
He crossed the room and grabbed hold of Annabelle’s hair, pulling her head back roughly and forcing his mouth on hers. She gagged when he thrust his tongue inside her mouth, but he did not stop. Any attempt to stop him caused him to hit her hard, or twist parts of her body until she thought she was going to faint with pain.
Annabelle shook as she recounted every detail to Frederick. He felt sick to his stomach and angrier than he had ever been before, but he held his counsel and continued to stroke her gently. “He eventually forced himself on me but not before he had shown me just how cruel he could be. It was the middle of the night before he had satisfied himself that I would never be a problem to him again. He left me telling me that now he’d had me, he might just marry me after all. My other two sisters wouldn’t challenge him as much as I would from what he’d heard and seen with Grace.”
“I didn’t move for days. I pretended to be ill, and my looks reflected that. I was terrified he would return, but he didn’t. In fact, I didn’t see him again. He seemed to stay at father’s office after that night. It gave me the opportunity to recover my strength enough to demand to be sent to Rosalind.”
“Did you never consider telling anyone?” Frederick asked.
“Mother and father would not have believed me, and I couldn’t tell Rosalind or Grace; I felt too ashamed,” Annabelle whispered.
“You had done nothing wrong,” Frederick ground out.
“He would have argued that I’d taunted him, and what would have happened if anyone had found out? I would have been forced to marry him. I didn’t know how I was going to avoid it, but I knew I could never marry him. I’d hoped somehow I would find inspiration and think of a way that none of us would be forced to marry,” Annabelle responded.
“Rosalind would not have forced you to marry him,” Frederick said.
“But she would have had little choice. She could not have found me a husband, could she? The moment she knew about what had happened, I was publicly ruined for all intents and purposes; there was no benefit to telling her,” Annabelle said.
“She would have supported you,” Frederick said, knowing that Rosalind would have done everything in her power to help her sister.
“I could not put that burden on her; she is newly married herself and facing her own troubles; she is facing a claim to the title by the arrival of the so-called bride of the previous Duke,” Annabelle said, knowing she could not have told Rosalind. “I had a bigger fear anyway.”
“If you were with child or not,” Frederick said, pre-empting her words.
“Yes, that month afterwards was the longest of my life. I don’t know what I would have done; I could not face having a child that had anything to do with such a man. The relief I felt that I wasn’t took some of the pain away. I decided I could deal with what had happened: but then we started to go to balls in order to find me a husband, and a whole new set of problems emerged,” Annabelle said, remembering the feelings of panic every time Rosalind mentioned a potential match.
“At least some of your experience would be discovered if you were married,” Frederick said gently.
“Yes. On my wedding night it would be found out I was not an innocent,” Annabelle said. She moved suddenly, surprising Frederick, turning to face him. “I didn’t plan anything between us: I didn’t follow you into the study; I honestly didn’t know you where there.”
“I know. I had been there for some time, but why did you go into the study?” Frederick asked.
“I overheard a conversation between Baroness Leyland and her cronies,” Annabelle said. “I suppose I felt worthless after what had happened; their conversation played on that, and I needed to get away from everything. I didn’t want to face Rosalind because she would have known immediately something was wrong. I just thought a few moments alone with Peter’s brandy, and I would be able to face everyone again.”
“I recall you didn’t like brandy,” Frederick said with a smile at the memory.
“No! Horrible stuff!” Annabelle said with a shudder. She became serious again. “When you kissed me, you were so gentle; although that surprised me, it didn’t create the same feelings as those other kisses had. That is why I kissed you again; I just wanted to feel a kiss that was not overwhelmingly horrible.”
“And Baroness Leyland walked in,” Frederick said drily.
“When Rosalind took me to St Annes, I was miserable. All I could think of was that, if I returned home, I would be faced with marriage either with you or him. It isn’t much of a recommendation, is it, to say that you were the clear preference?” Annabelle said with a blush.
Frederick raised an eyebrow. “There is a compliment in there somewhere, I suppose. How did you think you would overcome the issue of your innocence?” He could not help the feeling she thought him so desperate he would overlook it.
“Until our wedding night, I had pushed it to one side, thinking something would occur to me to explain it, but of course nothing did. I was worried anyway, but when you touched me I was almost overwhelmed by memories. I’m sorry,” Annabelle said.
“I thought it was me you were rejecting,” Frederick said honestly. If she was being honest, he had to be if there waste be any chance for them.
“It wasn’t you; I just couldn’t face the intimacy. It wasn’t even about the lack of innocence; it was the physical act itself. I don’t think I will ever be able to have marital relations, and I should have told you that before you married me. There have been so many lies, and I am sorry,” Annabelle said. “When you took offence, it seemed like I had my solution after all; but then we arrived at your family home.”
“What happened then?”
“For the first time in months, I felt safe and happy. I love your family, I really do. They were so welcoming, and there was something else. We spent more time together; it was as if I were seeing you for the first time, and I liked what I saw,” Annabelle said, looking down, so she did not have to meet Frederick’s eyes: but
that meant she was looking at his broad chest which did not help to ease the flush on her cheeks.
“So you weren’t acting?” Frederick asked, needing to be sure.
“No!” Annabelle said hotly, looking at him. “I had begun to like you far too much and then when those men….and you said you were leaving, I couldn’t see a way out. It was only after you left that I determined I would not allow you to sacrifice so much when I had lied to you. If I told you at least part of the truth, you would hate me and return to your family, and it would be as if the marriage to me had not happened.”
Frederick reached for Annabelle’s hand and kissed it. He wanted to kiss her lips but did not think she was ready for that intimacy. “Marriage isn’t as simple as that is it? Remember our vows? In sickness and in health. I am not saying you are ill, but you have been through something that no one should suffer, and we, yes we, are going to get through it together.”
“I don’t deserve it,” Annabelle said. “I’ve treated you so badly.”
“You’ve been forced to act because of what happened. I’ve also acted badly: I’ve hurt you. I should never have thrown that vase; it was childish just as Frances pointed out. I will live with that for a long time to come,” Frederick responded. If she was scarred he would have the reminder for the rest of his days.
“It wasn’t your fault,” Annabelle said.
“Neither was what happened to you. Trust me Annabelle: let us work together; let me take the memories away and replace them with others.”
“Are you going to….I don’t think I can,” Annabelle started, alarmed, guessing correctly that Frederick was suggesting taking their relationship further. The thought of further intimacy made the usual panic surface.
“Before I left Carlisle, we shared some moments that were intimate and pleasant didn’t we?” Frederick asked.
“Yes,” Annabelle responded with another flush.
“I promise you then I will never force myself on you. If all I can do is kiss you, I will be satisfied with that; all I am asking is that you trust me,” Frederick said. He finally had something to work with: he knew what the problem was, and he could help her to overcome her fear; he was sure of it.
Annabelle: A Regency Romance (The Four Sisters' Series Book 2) Page 15
