“You obviously think I invited him over,” she said.
“Did you?”
“Of course not.”
“But you had coffee.”
“He brought coffee. There’s a difference.”
“Okay. He brought coffee. But you invited him in.”
She hesitated at that. She hadn’t invited him in, but she had let him in. She chewed the inside of her cheek for a long second. “I can’t stand Guy,” she finally said. “I didn’t want to be in the same room with him.”
“Then why were you, Francie?” His eyes flashed. “You knew what he came there for.” He was frustrated, angry. And for the first time she saw that he was genuinely confused, too. He wanted an answer to the question she’d been asking herself for years. Why do you have to be so damn pleasing all the time?
Her throat ached. “Honestly?”
“Yeah. Honestly.”
“It was out of habit.” And there it was. It was as simple as that. As disappointing as that. “I wish I had a different explanation for you, Tanner. I wish I had a different one for me, too. But that’s the truth.”
He stared down at her, his face a blank canvas.
“Don’t you see?” She hated the sound of her voice, the sound of pleading. But she wanted him to understand. Needed him to understand who she was deep down. Because if he didn’t, who would? “I’ve never rocked the boat,” she managed. “I’ve never made anyone uncomfortable, or angry. That’s why I stayed with Guy so long in high school. That’s why I entered all those pageants for my mom. Why I have friends who still think they can walk all over me.”
His expression softened a little at that, but she felt her back stiffen. She didn’t want his sympathy. She wanted him to believe in her.
“It’s why I let him in today, even though I clearly shouldn’t have. But you know what?”
His brows rose.
“I’m glad I did,” she continued. “Because today was different. I finally broke that cycle. I told him off and it was actually…pretty great.”
Warmth flooded her cheeks. She was proud of herself, and that was the puzzle piece that had been missing her entire life.
His lips tilted. “You did?”
She nodded.
“Damn. I wish I could’ve been there to see that.”
“You almost were.”
His gaze traveled over her hair, her mouth, then finally settled on her eyes. “You’ve always been stronger than you thought, Francie,” he said. “It was just a matter of time before you figured it out. At least Guy has one redeeming quality—he helped you find your way.”
She took a step forward, longing for him to touch her. To kiss her. “He didn’t help me find anything. You did that.”
He laughed, but it was bitter sounding. “Yeah.”
“Why is that so hard for you to believe?”
At that, he turned and walked inside the house. She followed and shut the door behind her. Charlotte trotted up for a pat, but Maddie was nowhere in sight.
“It’s so quiet in here,” she said.
“She’s riding her bike. I told her I needed a little time. She did, too. I’ll have to figure out how to explain this when she comes back.”
Francie frowned, watching him. “What happened, Tanner?”
He pinched the bridge of his nose. His biceps bulged tantalizingly, the veins sticking out on his forearms—something that sent hot, electric currents through her body.
“This was a bad idea from the beginning,” he said. “And I own that. I couldn’t keep my hands off you, and that was all me.”
Heat crept up her face. Her eyes stung. He was going to try and hurt her, but she’d been expecting this. He was trying to push her away.
“I didn’t exactly keep my hands off you,” she said, raising her chin. “You don’t get to take all the credit. We’re in this together, remember?”
He turned and began pacing the floor. His sheer size was intimidating. So was his body language. It was as though every muscle in his body was coiled.
“I needed to keep my head on straight for Maddie,” he said. “I needed to be someone solid for her. Who the hell almost decks someone right in front of their little sister? She was right behind me, for Christ’s sake.”
“I’m guessing he deserved it.”
“Doesn’t matter. I should’ve shown her how to rise above it. Just once, just once, she could’ve had a decent example. Instead, she cried all the way home.”
Francie’s heart ached at that. She stepped closer but he stepped back.
“I could tell you about all the things she saw my mom’s boyfriends do, but I won’t. The list is too long.”
“Tanner, you aren’t one of those guys,” she said. “You’re her brother who loves her. Maybe you made a mistake, but she knows you’re different. You’ll find a way to explain so she understands.”
He stopped pacing and turned to her, lacing his hands above his head. “I wanted this time with her to count.”
“It has counted. Are you kidding me? She adores you.”
Dropping his arms to his sides, he stared out the window. “I don’t think I could do this full-time. I’d go out of my goddamn mind trying not to screw her up.”
“Well, you’re just going to have to get over that.”
He looked over, his gaze settling on hers.
“Maddie needs you,” she continued softly. “She doesn’t need you to be perfect. She just needs you in her life. And just because you did something you wish you hadn’t, doesn’t mean you couldn’t raise her, Tanner. It doesn’t mean she’s going to be some kind of deviant now. This is what being a dad is. It’s making mistakes and rectifying them. Reminding yourself to be better next time.”
He opened his mouth, but she held up her hand.
“And who’s to say she didn’t learn something incredible today?” she asked. “Personally, I think turning the tables on Guy was pretty awesome.”
His lips curved slightly. And some of the darkness in his expression receded.
She wanted to go to him if he’d have her. Let him do exactly what he wanted, even if it meant risking pain in the long run. But she forced herself to stand still. She needed to know something first. She needed to know she meant something to him. Even if it wasn’t love. It had to be something other than lust.
“But why?” she asked. “Why did you confront him?”
He watched her for what seemed like forever. The room had gone quiet. The air conditioning had kicked off, and Charlotte had retreated into the back room. It was just the two of them, standing there looking at each other. She thought of how often they’d done this in just a matter of weeks—this dancing around how they really felt, trying to reconcile it so they could move on.
But things always seemed to lead right back to this showdown of wills. With him trying to bury his past, and her trying to prove herself. Would it ever get any easier?
Finally, he took a step toward her. She waited, as agonizing as that was. She wanted to know exactly what he’d say. If he’d say anything at all.
Slowly, he reached out and ran the backs of his knuckles down her bare arm. His skin was so warm, so rough, that it left chills over hers.
She prayed for the strength to stand her ground. He smelled so good, so male. She knew exactly how her nipples would feel rubbing against his naked chest, how they’d tingle and send shock waves through the rest of her. She knew how his mouth would feel traveling down her neck, how his lips would play at the base of her throat. Still, she stayed as still as her body would allow, and watched him like a lamb contemplating a lion.
“He said you tasted like honey,” Tanner said, his voice gravelly. “And Jesus help me, I couldn’t stand the thought of him touching you.”
Her heart pounded in her chest, her pulse skipping in her wrists. He leaned down close enough that she felt the warmth of his breath against her cheek.
“You’re too good for him, Francie. You’re too good for me.”
A
t that, she finally reached up and wrapped her arms around his neck. Then stood on her tiptoes and kissed him.
He immediately opened his mouth, coaxing her closer, deeper with his tongue. She leaned into the solidness of his body. Nothing could reach her there. Not the world, not insecurity, not regret. Nothing. It was just the two of them in the moment, falling toward one another as they seemed destined to do.
Still kissing her, he pushed her toward the hallway bathroom.
She felt him hard against her lower belly, and she reached down to rub him there. Breaking the kiss, he groaned against her neck.
They stumbled toward the door, then pushed inside, their hands all over each other. Desperate and hungry.
Francie unbuckled his belt as he put his hands in her hair. He bent to kiss her again and she felt the breath being stolen from her chest. Every last bit of it. She couldn’t get enough of him—his scent, his voice, the feel of him.
She was vaguely aware of him opening the medicine cabinet and pulling out a condom. He turned her around and placed her hands on the wall.
“Don’t move,” he said into her ear.
She closed her eyes, wanting desperately to turn back around, to feel every hot, throbbing inch of him. But she did as she was told, and the sensation of wanting to touch him, but not being able to, was almost too much to bear.
He moved her hair off the back of her neck, and then she felt his lips there. She moaned softly and in response, he pushed himself against her. She spread her legs and arched her back, and she heard him unwrap the foil packet. And then he was working her shorts down over her thighs, then her panties, until she finally felt him nudge her slick, wet opening.
She sucked in a breath, her heart nearly pounding out of her chest. He reached underneath her T-shirt and cupped her breast over her lacy bra. She longed for him to get her naked, wanted him to pick her up as he had all those weeks ago and carry her straight to his bed. But what they were doing was risky enough with Maddie right down the street. It’d have to be fast, primal. And Francie was okay with that, too. He made primal and fast an art form.
Holding her steady and safe, he slipped inside her darkness. She exhaled softly as they began moving together, creating a rhythm that was like the sweetest music—only she could feel it throughout her entire body. Thumping in her ears, her veins, her head. Love, love, love, it seemed to say, until the strength of her mounting orgasm took over, and everything lit up behind her eyes.
He breathed against her neck, said her name, held her so close that she could feel his heart beating against her shoulder blades.
And it pounded in sync with her own.
Chapter Nineteen
Tanner knelt beside Maddie, the sun hot on his back. His little sister was elbow-deep in mulch and had a smear of dirt across her nose. Her ponytail was limp and the fine hair at her temples was damp, but she’d insisted on coming with him to his last job of the day.
They were planting a sequoia for Bob Newhouse, his friend who worked the front desk of the Graff, Marietta’s oldest and stateliest hotel. Bob firmly believed more was always better, thus the baby tree that would eventually grow into a giant to dwarf his entire house. Bob didn’t care. In fact, Tanner was sure that five years from now, he’d enlist the local fire department to string Christmas lights all the way to the top.
Maddie wiped her hands on her jeans and looked over at him through her smudged glasses. They hadn’t talked since that morning. Since he’d almost punched the living shit out of Guy.
She’d walked in the door five minutes after Francie had gone home. She’d been quiet and broody, so he’d left it alone, knowing he’d broach it when the time was right.
Here, now, kneeling with her in the middle of Bob’s yard that reminded him of a Disney movie with all the ivy and roses, he took a deep breath, hoping he wouldn’t mess it up.
“Maddie,” he began, “I know—”
“Do you love Francie?”
He stared at her. His mom used to do that—pop questions that would leave him stunned. He could see some of her in Maddie now. Unexpected will and stubbornness, which had a way of unnerving people.
“I…”
“Because I feel like if you love someone, you should never let them go. No matter what.”
He watched her, and she watched him back, her big hazel eyes sharp. She wasn’t going to settle for any bullshit answer. Maybe a year ago. But not now. She’d grown up a little over the summer. Some of that tender innocence was gone, in its place a shrewdness that he knew would serve her well later in life. Still though, he was sad to see her change at all. He wondered how different she’d be after six months of being in Hawaii—after being with Vivian and Rob.
He breathed in the smell of freshly cut grass, of cool dirt, and Maddie’s scent—something fruity and clean. And then looked over at the tree that waited to be lowered into the ground so it could spread its roots, find its home.
“I do love her,” he said quietly. “But it’s complicated.”
Maddie sighed. Like she was tired of explaining things to adults. “I don’t see what’s complicated about loving someone. If I loved someone, I’d want to be with them. Even if it was hard. Even if I didn’t know how to do it right, I’d still try.”
His gaze settled on her again. “I love you, too, Mads.”
She waved a bee away from her face.
“I know you want to stay here,” he continued. “But that’s complicated, too.”
“Only a few more weeks. Only a few more weeks, and then I’ll have to go. And I won’t see you and Luke and Judd. I won’t see Francie, either. She’ll forget about me.” Her eyes welled with angry tears. “I don’t want to go.”
He reached for her, but she leaned away. The bee buzzed around her ear again, probably attracted by the smell of her shampoo. Maddie batted at it.
“I know you don’t,” he said. “And I don’t want you to.”
“Then why can’t I stay here? Why can’t we be a family?”
The words tore at his conscience. She could stay. He could raise her. His brothers would help. But then there was the doubt—the constant doubt that wouldn’t subside. He had one shot at this. Trying it and failing would have lasting effects on her that neither of them would be able to comprehend for years to come. This was too important to fuck up. It was his job not to cave, even if Maddie didn’t understand why.
Still, he was more tempted than he’d ever been to reach out and pull her into a hug. He wanted to tell her he wasn’t going to let her go, that nothing would come between them, because they were family. They were blood.
The bee continued buzzing around Maddie’s face, and she swatted at it impatiently. She stood up and brushed the dirt from her knees. “You’re always saying you want what’s best for me, but you don’t understand how I feel. You’re not listening to me! You’re just going to send me away without understanding my side.”
“I know how you feel.”
“No, you don’t. If you really did, you wouldn’t do this.” Tears welled in her eyes, then spilled down her flushed cheeks.
“What do you want from me, Maddie? I’m doing the best I can.”
“You’re not! You’re afraid. I know you want me to stay, too. I know it! I’d be good, Tanner. I’d get good grades and I’d help with Charlotte, and I’d always keep my room clean and neat.”
She was sobbing now, her glasses teetering on the edge of her nose. She was killing him dead.
The bee landed on her arm and she flinched, slapping at it again. This time she must’ve made contact, because after a second she yelped in pain.
He stood up and grabbed her hand, pulling her close so he could see. “Did it get you?”
She stared down at the red spot that was growing puffy before their eyes. “Ouch.”
Tanner grabbed his water bottle and poured some on the sting. “I’ll go inside and ask Bob for some ice.”
“I don’t want any ice! I don’t want to try and understand when I get
older. I don’t want to leave Marietta. I like it here.” Her breath hitched in her throat. “Please don’t send me away, Tanner. I love you. I want to stay here.”
She was practically hysterical. He took her by the shoulders and forced her to look at him. “Calm down.”
“I don’t want to calm down!”
She was breathing in short little pants, a faint wheeze coming from her chest.
“Maddie?”
Blinking heavily, she looked up at him. “I don’t feel good.”
He grabbed her arm and looked at it again. There were angry red hives all the way up it and was now so swollen that her skin was stretched taut.
“You’re allergic to bees, Maddie?”
Her face had gone pale, devoid of all color. Even the sunburn she’d gotten a few days ago had all but disappeared, leaving only a spattering of freckles across her nose. And then she stumbled backward and he caught her before she went down.
With his heart in his throat, he scooped her up and ran to the truck. The hospital was only a few blocks away.
“Hang on, Mads,” he said into her hair, her head flopping against his chest. “Everything’s gonna be okay.”
He was running under water. Everything was blurry and cold. Maddie was a toddler again, and he was holding her tight as their mother and her boyfriend fought violently in the next room. She’d sucked her thumb until she was four. He’d forgotten about that. Completely forgotten until that very second.
He yanked the driver’s side door open with every muscle in his body screaming to move faster. She wasn’t four anymore. She was twelve. Growing up, but still a little girl. She barely weighed anything at all. Her spindly legs bounced against his thighs, one arm hanging limply at her side. He needed to get her to eat more. He’d start making more hamburgers, her favorite. She loved hamburgers. Hamburgers, and animals, and Taylor Swift, and anything purple.
“I’m not going to let anything happen to you, Maddie,” he said, choking on the words. “I promise.”
*
Tanner sat in one of the pleather emergency room chairs and stared up at the muted TV. The Price Is Right was playing on repeat. Francie sat next to him, her hand on his thigh, watching him like he was a bomb about to go off.
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