by Abbi Glines
At some point he’d walked over to me. He had expected me to figure it out. He had known where we were going. It was hard to take deep breaths. Everything started to get blurry. Jeremy’s arm came around me and he was talking to me. I didn’t understand what he was saying but from the tone of his voice he was trying to ease my mind. That wasn’t possible. I knew where we were. I knew why my daddy had been throwing up blood. The cool hard plastic of a chair touched my back as Jeremy eased me down into the seat.
“Breathe, Eva. Take slow even breaths,” he encouraged. I understood that. So that’s what I did. I focused on breathing. I didn’t think about where we were.
“He’s gonna need you to be strong. When he isn’t around you can scream and cry and let it all out. Completely break down and I’ll be there to help you but when he’s around you gotta be strong. You hear me, Eva. He needs that from you,” Jeremy’s words confirmed my worst fear.
I lifted my eyes and looked at Jeremy’s worried face. “How bad is it?” I asked.
The sorrow etched in his face answered for him. “You need to let him talk to you. But right now get it together. He’s going to need you to be strong.”
I looked around and my eyes were once again focused. “Where is he?” I asked.
The nurse saw your face when you realized where we were. She saw me take you and she got your dad’s attention while I dealt with you but he’s gonna realize you’re gone any minute. You gotta be strong here. For him.”
He was right. I had to keep it together. I didn’t know everything. People were cured from this all the time. I didn’t even know the specifics. I was cracking without even talking to my dad about it. He was perfectly fine. He had his hair. Why that made me feel better I don’t know but it did.
“Eva?” Dad’s voice snapped me out of my thoughts and I stood up and hurried back around the corner to see his worried expression as his eyes found me.
“I’m right here, Daddy,” I said, walking over to him.
“Do you want to go into the room and speak with the doctor with me? If you don’t want to then you don’t have to but he can explain it better than I can.”
I nodded wondering if I needed Jeremy with me in case I started to melt down again. Daddy didn’t mention Jeremy going in with us. This was just us then. I could be strong for him. My phone started ringing in my purse. I handed it to Jeremy.
“That’s Cage. He’s probably here. Could you talk to him and bring him up here to wait with you?”
Jeremy nodded and took my purse and walked back to the waiting area where he’d taken me earlier. I would have Cage when I came out of this room. He’d be here and he’d make everything okay.
I reached down and grabbed Daddy’s hand as we walked into the room the nurse directed us to. I didn’t let go of his hand as we walked over to sit down in the two chairs sitting beside each other against the wall. We were in an examination room. Were they going to give him a treatment today? Was he taking something that would make this all go away?
“I want you to listen to what the doctor has to say. Then I want you to listen to me. Can you do that, Eva? ‘Cause what you’re gonna hear ain’t gonna be easy, baby girl. It’s gonna be tough. I need you to be tougher.”
I managed a nod although I wasn’t sure I could be tough. Not with this. Daddy reached down and took my hand and held it between both of his. I always thought my daddy had the biggest hands. He could beat anything. Noting was bigger than him. But this was.
“We’re gonna be okay, me and you. We always are,” he told me.
We sat there and waited together without saying anything else. I leaned my head on his shoulder and we just waited.
CAGE
The elevator door opened on the third floor and Jeremy was standing there holding Eva’s purse waiting on me. I didn’t have to ask to know this was bad. The look on his face said it all. Damn, this was gonna break Eva. She loved her daddy.
“Where is she?” I asked looking around. Instead of seeing Eva I saw several Chemo patients. My stomach twisted. Oh fuck. This was not good. “Oh, no, man. Please tell me this ain’t what I think it is,” I said looking back at Jeremy.
“No. It’s actually worse,” he replied.
“How the hell is it worse?” The ache in my heart and need to go find Eva and hold her was overwhelming. I needed to sit down. “Is she with him?”
“Yeah. She went back with her dad to see the doctor. He’ll tell her everything and I’m gonna warn you now she’s gonna be a mess. A complete mess.”
“He’s on the chemo floor. They can beat this shit these days. Can’t they? I mean I hear about it all the time.” He had to beat this. Eva wouldn’t be able to bear it if he didn’t.
“He isn’t taking treatments. He refuses to. He found out two months ago,” Jeremy’s words sliced through me. Holy fuck! What was the man thinking? He was gonna kill Eva.
“Why? Why won’t he try and beat this? His gonna kill her.”
“He was only promised maybe six more months with the treatments. It’s too far gone. He said he don’t wanna spend his last days sick from the treatments. He wants to spend it at home not in a hospital.”
This couldn’t be happening. Not this. Eva wasn’t strong enough to handle this. Didn’t God have a fucking limit on how much loss one person could take. She’d lost her momma then she’d lost Josh. It wasn’t fair dammit. I couldn’t sit here I stood up and walked over to the window. I had to calm down. I was furious at the fucking universe and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about that.
“Why her? Why does she always gotta lose someone?” I swore and slammed my hand down on the window seal.
“It sucks. She’s been dealt too much shit. I lost Josh. I can’t imagine losing my parents, too.”
She wouldn’t be leaving with me now. No. . . neither of us would be leaving. I couldn’t leave her to deal with this alone. She needed me and I needed her.
“I won’t leave her side. She’s not losing me,” I said more to myself than anyone else.
“Good. She’s gonna need you.”
“She’s got me. Always.”
“Eva doesn’t deal well with grief. Just remember that. No matter how hard it gets remember that. Josh was with her when she lost her mom. He and I both were. She was a kid but she lost herself for awhile. Josh reminded her how to live. When she lost Josh I thought I’d never get her back. I went through the motions and stayed by her side but she was lost. . . until you came. You helped her find life again. I figure you’re the only one who can pull her through this. I wasn’t enough with Josh but you were.”
“Nothing she does will push me away,” I swore.
We stood there in silence. My thoughts on Eva and what she would face over the next few months. My heart breaking for her with every second that ticked by. Hurting for myself was one thing. Hurting for Eva was deeper. The pain was harder. I didn’t want her to hurt.
“Cage.” Eva’s voice was broken as I spun around to look at her. The tears streaking down her face as she looked at me hopelessly tore my heart out. I took three long strides until I could grab her and pull her into my arms.
“I’m here, baby.”
She began to sob pitifully in my arms. “Take me to Daddy’s. Jeremy will bring him home once they’re done with his examination. I need time to cry where he can’t see me.”
I looked over her head at Jeremy and he nodded. “Take her. I’ll text when we’re heaed home.”
“Thanks,” I said, then took her purse from his outstretched hand and held her as we walked to the elevator.
She didn’t say anything until we were both inside her Jeep. She turned her stricken face toward me. “I’m gonna lose my daddy,” she whispered then her tears began to fall again. I reached over and grabbed her hand and held it.
There were no words that I could say right now to make this okay for her.
* * *
When we pulled into the driveway of her dad’s house I got a text from Jeremy that they
were leaving the hospital. She had an hour to pull herself together before her dad got home. She had silently sobbed on our drive here.
I got out of the car and walked around and opened her door then took her hand and pulled her out. She was pitiful. It was tearing me up. I kept my hand wrapped around her shoulders as I led her to the house. Once we got inside I took her to the living room and sat down on the sofa and pulled her into my lap.
“Cry, scream, hit me, do whatever you need to. Just get it out,” I told her.
And she did.
Chapter Five
EVA
If I didn’t know that my daddy was sick, then everything would seem almost normal. He still got up in the morning and went outside to work. He still came inside everyday for lunch. He still talked about the cattle that he’d need to sell off at the end of the summer.
The difference was he didn’t eat a big breakfast like he used to. When I looked for him during the day he was often sitting down in the shade staring off in thought. And at lunch he hardly touched his food. Then there were the times I couldn’t find him. Those were the times he was sick. He hid from me then.
It had only been a week since I’d found out. A week since my world had been altered. I refused to leave him. I had to be here. He had begged me to go at first but after arguing with him I finally broke down and cried like the little girl inside me that was terrified. He had held me and told me I could stay. He understood.
I knew that he didn’t understand. He wasn’t the one who was going to be left. He’d get to be with Momma again. I was the one that would be without them. The doctors had said he could live for six more months if we were lucky. I prayed every night that we were the luckiest people on earth.
“Eva?” Jeremy called my name as the screen door slammed shut behind him. I stopped watching Daddy as he walked across the back yard and walked to the front of the house to see Jeremy.
“Yeah,” I called out as I turned the corner into the kitchen. He was already fixing himself a glass of lemonade. He glanced over at me and frowned.
I knew that frown. He was here to talk. I wasn’t in the mood to talk.
“Cage coming back this afternoon?” he asked while pulling out a chair and flipping it around backwards before sitting in it.
“Yes. He went to get some more things from the apartment that I needed.” The guilt started eating at me again. I tried to ignore it but it was getting worse.
“You gonna make him go aren’t you? It’s his future, Eva.” I had expected this conversation from either Daddy or Jeremy eventually. They’d given me a week reprieve. No one had pushed me to make a decision yet. But Cage had put off going to Tennessee for a week. They were expecting him. He was waiting on me. I knew that if I asked him to stay he would. It was that simple.
“I know that, Jeremy,” I snapped. Because I did know that. I didn’t need him to tell me that I was being selfish. That I was being needy. Cage had a future ahead of him. Going to Tennessee was the first step. He had fought hard for this chance. I loved him enough to let him go without me. I wouldn’t be going with him though. Not this year. I had to stay here. “I’m going to make him leave tomorrow. I planned on talking to him tonight.”
Jeremy sighed and sat his glass down on the table. “He isn’t gonna leave you easily. He’s ready to throw away his scholarship for you.”
I knew that too. I could see it in his eyes. I was going to have to force him to leave me. We could do long distance. Right now he didn’t need to be around me through this. I wasn’t me. I wasn’t myself. I would just drag him down with me. I looked over at Jeremy. “You’ll be here with me?” I asked. Because I couldn’t do this alone.
“I’m not going anywhere, Eva. You got me. I wasn’t wanting to go back anyway. You know that. But Cage. . . He wants to go. This is his chance. I know where I belong now and it’s here.”
It was times like these that it didn’t feel like Josh was gone. When Jeremy reminded me so much of the man I loved and lost. “Thank you.”
“It’s thick and thin, girl. It always has been,” he said with a sad smile.
He was right. We’d been through it all together. I looked out the window and watched as Daddy sat down on the tailgate of his farm truck to drink some water. He was refusing to stop living. This was what he wanted. As angry as I had been when I found out he was refusing to take treatments I couldn’t stay mad at him. It was his life. This was how he wanted his last days to go and I couldn’t take that from him.
“I love that man,” I said more to myself than anyone.
“He loves you too. You’re his world, Eva. You always have been,” Jeremy’s voice was laced with sadness. He loved my daddy too. It was hard not to.
“When Cage leaves tomorrow I’m gonna need you,” I said quietly. I knew I’d made it this week because I’d had Cage’s arms to run to when the pain was too much.
“And I’ll be here,” he assured me.
“I’m going to go visit with Daddy,” I said as I stepped outside.
* * *
Daddy turned his head to see me walking toward him. A smile touched his face. Seeing that smile warmed me. He wasn’t smiling as much these days.
“Hey, Daddy,” I said as I pulled myself up to sit beside him on the tailgate.
“Hey, baby girl,” he replied and reached over to pat my knee.
“It’s hot out today. Normally doesn’t get this hot until July,” I said reaching for the ice towel in Daddy’s cooler and handing it to him. “Cool off.”
He didn’t argue. He took the towel and wiped his face and neck then rolled it up to rest on his neck. “Jeremy inside hiding?” Daddy asked with a grin.
“Probably,” I replied. He always accused Jeremy of hiding when he went to take a break and get a drink.
“Cage was gonna help me with those hay bails those afternoon. When’s he gonna get back?”
Cage had been helping Daddy all week. It was as if it was last summer again... but it wasn’t. This time my dad was working with Cage and I was allowed near Cage... and my daddy was sick. “He should be back soon. He had to go take care of some things and get more of my things.” I trailed off because Daddy liked to try and talk me into leaving here when he got a chance.
He let out a weary sigh and I knew he was about to say something he knew I didn’t want to hear. I prepared myself for him telling me I needed to leave again. “I know you want to stay with me. I understand it. And honestly I’m glad you do. I want to spend as much time with you as I can. You’re the most important thing in my life. You know that right?”
I wasn’t going to cry. I couldn’t do that to him. He needed to talk and I had to be strong enough to let him. I nodded instead.
“Good. ‘Cause I need to say something that you’re not gonna wanna hear. But I love you and I want you to always be happy. I know Cage makes you happy. He may not have been my choice for you but he loves you like a crazy man. I’ve seen it all over his face this week. He’ll do anything you ask him to including go jumping off a bridge. So, I am telling you this cause someone needs to. You gotta let that boy go, baby girl. He came here last summer because he had a plan. He had one chance to get the future he wants and even though he is a rascal he is a smart boy. He got what he wanted. But if you ask him to let it go he will. In a heartbeat. Don’t make him choose. Let him go. Make it okay for him to go take that dream he fought for. Do it ‘cause you love him.”
Daddy and Jeremy had always thought alike. I should have known this was bothering Daddy, too. It warmed my heart to know my daddy was thinking of Cage’s best interest. Not just mine. I wanted my daddy to love Cage too.
“I’m talking to him tonight. He’ll be going tomorrow. I’m not giving him a choice. I’m not breaking things off. We will just do the long distance thing.”
Daddy didn’t say anything more. He reached over and took my hand in his. We sat there and looked out over the fields in silence. I knew we were both thinking about the future neither of us wanted to talk
about. I couldn’t imagine a future without Daddy in it. I wasn’t ready to talk about it.
“The day you were born your momma handed you to me and said with that saucy smile of hers, ‘You didn’t get that boy you wanted but I’m willing to bet that this little girl will own you before we even get her home.’” Daddy chuckled and shook his head. “She was right. I never imagined someone so small could control me so completely. When you were learning to walk I swear each time you fell down I fell to my knees with you. When you first said Dada I cried like a baby. Then the day I had to take you to kindergarten and you held onto my leg. I was so tempted to pick you up and run back home where you were safe and happy. Josh and Jeremy had shown up and eased you away from me. But I’d gone home and cried again. I was the first parent in line to pick you up at the end of the day. You were all pigtails and smiles. You chattered the whole way home about playdough and story time. You hated nap time something fierce.” He stopped and let out another low chuckle.
“I love you, Daddy,” I managed to whisper through the lump in my throat.
“I love you too, baby girl.”
CAGE
I waited for Eva to speak first. She’d been quiet through dinner. When Wilson went to bed right after he’d finished eating, I’d seen the look he gave her. It had been an unspoken question. Eva had simply nodded and he’d kissed the top of her head before leaving the room. Nothing about that eased my mind. Not with the tense way Eva was holding her body. But I was waiting on her to talk.
She stopped walking when we got to the swing down behind the barn. We were out of viewing distance from any window in the house. That made me ease up a little. I didn’t want to have to worry about upsetting Wilson. Because I sure as hell wasn’t gonna like what she was about to say. I could see it all over her face.
“Swing with me,” she said simply.
“I don’t think I can sit down just yet. I need you to say what it is you brought me out here to say first,” I said. I was nervous. I might need to pace some. Sitting wasn’t an option.
