by Aristophanes
Disdaining such small fry, our Heracles
1030 Took on the greatest monster in the land.95
Jag-toothed it was, and from its staring eyes
Shot rays more terrible than those of Cynna;96
And in a grisly circle round its head
Flickered the tongues of servile flatterers,
Condemned to groan; its voice was like the roar
Of mighty floods descending from the hills,
Bearing destruction: heinous was the stench
That issued from the beast as it slid forth,
With camel’s arse and stinking unwashed balls.97
Undaunted by the sight, he stood his ground
(In spite of all attempts to buy him off)
And fought on your behalf – and still fights on.
And then, last year, he says, he did attack
The many plagues and fevers, nightmare forms
That came and hovered by your beds at night,
Smothering fathers, choking grandfathers,
1040 Inflicting lawsuits, summonses and writs
On harmless, peaceful folk, till many leapt
In terror from their beds, and formed a queue
Outside the office of the Polemarch.98
So once again your Champion fought for you
And sought to purge the land of grievous ills.
But what did you do then? You let him down.
For when he tried last year to sow a crop
Of new ideas, you failed to see the point
And all was wasted; yet, with hand on heart,
He swears by Dionysus that, in truth,
There never was a better comedy.99
The shame is yours for being so obtuse.
No man of sense will think the worse of him
If, driving so much better than the rest,
1050 He passed them all – and overshot the goal.
So if ever in future
A poet appears
Who gives you a play
That’s full of ideas,
With thoughts that are fresh
And a slant that’s new,
I advise you to give him
The praise that’s his due.
Yes, save up his phrases
And put them in store,
Like fruit, in your clothes box
For twelve months or more.
And so when next year
On these benches you sit,
Why, all of your clothes
Will be scented with wit.
CHORUS
1060 In days when men were men
(And you should have seen us then)
We were noted for our vigour and agility;
We carried all before us
Both in battle and as chorus,
And no one could have questioned our virility.
Those days, alas, are gone,
And the feathers of the swan
Are no whiter than our hair, for we are old;
And yet, as you can see,
Feeble relics though we be,
In spirit we’re still manly, young and bold.
Yes, we may be poor old crocks,
But the whiteness of our locks
Does the city better credit, I would say,
Than the ringlets and the fashions
And the rectum-widening passions
1070 Of the namby-pamby youngsters of today.
CHORUS-LEADER
Should it strike you, dear spectators, as a somewhat curious thing
To find me thus embellished with a wasp-waist and a sting,
A word will be sufficient to complete your education
And elucidate the meaning of our costume and formation.
Allow me, then, to mention that I feel a certain pride
In the very handy weapon that protrudes from my backside;
For the warriors who possess it are of native Attic birth,
As stubborn and as brave a breed as ever trod the earth.
It was we who served the city best when those barbarians came
1080 To try to smoke us from our nests, and filled the streets with flame.100
Inflamed with rage, we ran straight out with warlike spear and shield;
Our hearts were set on battle, and we faced them in the field.
All day we went on fighting, but Athena’s owl had flown
Above our ranks that morning, and we knew we weren’t alone:
So thick with arrows was the air, we couldn’t see the sun,
But when the shades of evening fell we had them on the run.101
We stung them in eyebrows and we stung them on the cheeks;
We jabbed them in the buttocks through their baggy Persians breeks.102
And among barbarian nations we’re respected to this day-
1090 ‘There’s nothing so ferocious as an Attic Wasp,’ they say.
CHORUS
Yes, we were dreaded in our day!
The Persians tried to get away,
But that was not to be;
For after beating them on land
Our gallant three-tiered ships we manned
And, closing in on every hand,
We hammered them at sea.103
Not one of us could make a speech,
Denounce, arraign, inform, impeach,
Nor yearned such arts to master.
From these endeavours we forbore:
A question that concerned us more
Was how to ply a lusty oar
And make our ships go faster.
This being so, we rowed with ease
To cities far across the seas
And took them from the Persians;
And if the tribute-money still
Flows into the Imperial till
1100 (From which the young now filch their fill)
It’s thanks to our exertions.
CHORUS-LEADER:
Now anyone who studies us from various points of view
Will find that we resemble wasps in everything we do.
No creature, to begin with, is more savage or irate,
When once provoked, than we are, or less easy to placate.
Observe our social structure and you’ll see that it conforms
To that of wasps exactly – we are organized in swarms;
And according to the jury that we’re privileged to be on
We buzz about the Archon’s Court, or nest in the Odeon.104
1110 And some, like grublets in the cells, are packed around the wall:
They nod their heads, but otherwise they scarcely move at all.
Our economic system, too, is practical and neat:
By stinging all and sundry we contrive to make ends meet.
Of course we have our drones as well, the stingless brutes who shirk
Their military duties, letting others do the work –
And sure enough they gobble up as much as they can get
Of income we have earned them with no end of toil and sweat.
It drives us mad to think that those who’ve never raised a hand
Or risked a single blister to defend their native land
1120 Can draw their pay with all the rest: I think the rule should be
That if you haven’t got a sting, you get no jury fee.
ACT TWO
Scene 1: The same. Two couches have been placed outside the house.
[PHILOCLEON comes out of the house followed by BDELYCLEON, who is trying to pull the tattered juryman’s cloak from his father’s shoulders. In attendance is a slave carrying a heavy woollen gown and a pair of smart shoes.]
PHILOCLEON Nobody’s going to strip me of this, not while there’s breath in my body. We’ve stood shoulder to shoulder against many a cold north wind, my cloak and I.
BDELYCLEON Don’t you want to be treated well?
PHILOCLEON No, I don’t. Treats are not good for me. Last time it was those grilled sprats, and look what happened afterwards. I spent a whole three obols o
n the cleaning bill.
BDELYCLEON Now, look – you’ve put yourself in my hands
1130 for your own good. You might at least make an effort.
PHILOCLEON What is it you want me to do?
BDELYCLEON Take off that tattered old cloak and put on this gown.
PHILOCLEON Fat lot of good having sons and bringing them up, if all they do is try and suffocate you!
BDELYCLEON Come on, get on with it, and don’t talk so much.
[The SLAVE holds up the gown as BDELYCLEON removes PHILOCLEON’s cloak.]
PHILOCLEON [wriggling away] What, in god’s name, is this horrible thing?
BDELYCLEON It’s a Persian gown. Some people call it a ‘full-waister’.
PHILOCLEON I thought it was one of those goatskin things from the country.
BDELYCLEON You would. If you’d ever been to Sardis,105 you’d
1140 have known what it was; but it would seem you don’t.
PHILOCLEON I most certainly don’t. Looks to me like one of Morychus’ knapsacks.
BDELYCLEON No, these are made in Ecbatana.106
PHILOCLEON [inspecting the lining] What from? Tripe?
BDELYCLEON You really are hopeless! It’s an extremely expensive Persian weave – at least sixty pounds of wool went into making this.
PHILOCLEON Then they should have called it a ‘wool-waster’ not a ‘full-waister’.
BDELYCLEON Now stand still, and let’s get it on.
[Helped by the SLAVE, BDELYCLEON manages to get his father halfway into the gown.]
1150 PHILOCLEON [wriggling away] My god, it’s belching hot steam at me!
BDELYCLEON Come on, put it on.
PHILOCLEON No! If I’m going to be roasted, I’d rather you put me straight in the oven and be done with it.
BDELYCLEON Here, I’ll help you myself. [To the SLAVE] All right, you can go.
[BDELYCLEON takes the gown from the SLAVE and puts it over PHILOCLEON’s shoulders. The SLAVE retires.]
PHILOCLEON [staggering under the weight of the gown] I hope you’ve got a fork handy?
BDELYCLEON What for?
PHILOCLEON To fish me out when I’m baked to pieces.
BDELYCLEON Now, take off those dreadful felt shoes and put on these Spartans107 instead.
1160 PHILOCLEON Do you really think I could put up with wearing ‘foe leather’?
BDELYCLEON Come along, be brave and stick your foot in.
PHILOCLEON It’s a crime to make me tread on enemy sole!
BDELYCLEON Now the other one.
PHILOCLEON No, no, not that foot! The big toe’s a rabid anti-Spartan.
BDELYCLEON Can’t be helped. On with it!
PHILOCLEON This is terrible! Now I won’t have a single chilblain to comfort me in my old age.
BDELYCLEON Get it on quickly – that’s right. Now let me see you walk. No, no! Like this – with an elegant, affluent swagger.
[PHILOCLEON begins to warm to his new outfit.]
1170 PHILOCLEON I know, I’ll strike a pose. Tell me which of your well-heeled friends I look like now.
BDELYCLEON You look like a boil with a garlic plaster on it.
PHILOCLEON I was trying to show you the ‘butt-wiggle’.
BDELYCLEON Now, look, if you’re going to mix with clever, educated men, you’ll have to be able to produce a refined anecdote.
PHILOCLEON Of course.
BDELYCLEON Which one will you tell them?
PHILOCLEON Oh, I know loads. There’s that story about Lamia farting108 when she got caught; or the one about Cardopion109 giving his mother a –
BDELYCLEON No, not folktales. Something with human interest:
1180 the kind of thing people usually talk about, with a domestic feel.
PHILOCLEON Domestic, eh? How about this? Once upon a time there was a cat and it met a mouse, and –
BDELYCLEON You benighted ignoramus – as Theogenes110 retorted to the dung-collector! You can’t start talking about a cat and a mouse to men of quality.
PHILOCLEON What kind of thing do they want, then?
BDELYCLEON Something impressive. You know – ‘Once, when I was on a State mission with Androcles111 and Cleisthenes112…’
PHILOCLEON The only State mission I’ve ever been on was to Paros – at two obols a day.
1190 BDELYCLEON Then tell them how you remember seeing old Ephudion and how he wiped the floor with Ascondas. Say what a fine figure of a man he still was, for all his white hair: great strong hands; powerful flanks; and his arms.113
PHILOCLEON How was he allowed to fight a wrestling match if he was armed?
BDELYCLEON [ignoring him] That’s the kind of conversation sophisticated people go in for. Now, here’s another thing. If you’re drinking with strangers, they’ll want to know something about you. You could tell them about some daring exploit from your younger days.
1200 PHILOCLEON Like the time I pinched all the vine-props from old Ergasion’s vineyard!
BDELYCLEON You and your vine-props, you’ll be the death of me! No, you want to tell them how you went boar-hunting or hare-coursing, or ran in the torch race – some dashing deed.
PHILOCLEON Well, the most dashing thing I ever did was to take on the runner Phayllus. I beat him too – sued him for slander, and won the case by two votes.
BDELYCLEON All right. Come and lie down over here. [He points to the two couches.] I’ll show you how to behave at a fashionable drinking party.
PHILOCLEON Lie down? How am I supposed to lie?
1210 BDELYCLEON Just recline gracefully.
[PHILOCLEON tries lying down on his back with his knees up.]
PHILOCLEON Like this?
BDELYCLEON No, no, not like that, for heaven’s sake!
PHILOCLEON How, then? Show me.
BDELYCLEON You have to straighten your knees – that’s it – and sort of ‘pour’ yourself into the cushions with poise and grace.
[BDELYCLEON demonstrates, taking up a reclining position on the other couch, PHILOCLEON practises ‘pouring’ himself into the cushions until BDELYCLEON is satisfied.]
Good. Now you should say something complimentary about the bronze ornaments – look up at the ceiling – admire the rugs on the wall.
[PHILOCLEON mimes all this as instructed, BDELYCLEON now claps his hands to summon the SLAVES, who have been briefed in advance. At each stage of the imaginary party BDELYCLEON demonstrates the correct procedure and table manners, PHILOCLEON attempts to imitate his gestures.]
Bring the finger-bowls! [The SLAVES do so.]
Bring in the tables! [The SLAVES do so.]
Now we eat… now wash hands again… now a libation.
[The SLAVES whisk away the tables.]
PHILOCLEON Gods above, are we dreaming this dinner!
BDELYCLEON Now, the flute-girl has played her piece, and you
1220 are drinking with – let’s say – Theorus, Aeschines, Phanos,114 Cleon and that foreign type, the son of Acestor.115 He’s at Cleon’s head. Can you take up the singing when it comes to your turn?116
PHILOCLEON Oh, yes, I’m good at that.
BDELYCLEON Well, we shall see. Now, I’m Cleon: suppose I start off with ‘Harmodius’ and you have to follow it.
[Sings]
Such a man was never seen in Athens…
PHILOCLEON [sings]
Such a low-down, thieving little bastard…
BDELYCLEON If you sing that, you’ll never survive the uproar. Cleon will swear to have your blood; he’ll threaten to ruin and drive you out of the city.
1230 PHILOCLEON If he threatens me, I’ve got another song for him:
[Sings]
Take care, for if too high in the city you rise,
You’ll make her top-heavy and then she’ll capsize!117
BDELYCLEON And supposing Theorus, lying next to Cleon, takes his right hand and starts up with this:
[Sings]
It’s wise, as Admetus found out in the end,
To choose a courageous
man as your best friend.118
How will you follow that?
PHILOCLEON I’ve got something very poetic for that.
[Sings]
1240 It isn’t as easy, old boy, as it sounds
To run with the hare and to hunt with the hounds.119
BDELYCLEON And now it’s Aeschines’ turn. He’s a very learned, cultured sort of man. He’ll probably start off with [singing boisterously]
Power, wealth and property
We enjoyed in Thessaly,
Clitagora, you and me…
PHILOCLEON [singing]
And bragged about it merrily.
BDELYCLEON Well, you seem to have got the gist of it. All
1250 right, let’s go and have dinner at Philoctemon’s. [He claps his hands.] Boy! Pack food for two – at last we can go and get drunk!120
PHILOCLEON I don’t approve of drinking! I know what boozing leads to: breaches of the peace, assault and battery – and a big fine while you’ve still got a hangover.
BDELYCLEON Not if you’re drinking with gentlemen. They’ll placate the victim for you, or else you can calm him down yourself. Just come out with a neat quotation from Aesop,
1260 or one of those stories about Sybarites121 – something you’ve heard at the party. Make a joke of the whole thing, and the victim will just go away quietly.
PHILOCLEON I see I’m going to have to learn a lot of those stories, if I want to avoid getting fined. Well, son, what are we waiting for? Let’s go.
[XANTHIAS brings out a basket of food, PHILOCLEON and BDELYCLEON set out for the party with XANTHIAS in attendance.]
CHORUS [addressing the audience]122
I flatter myself I’m a bit of a wit,
And I’ve learnt all the tricks of the trade;
But there’s one man I know – he’s in the front row –
Who can put even me in the shade.
Can you guess who I mean? He has upper-class hair
It’s done up in a bun at the top:
And he gambles with dice, a gentleman’s vice
Provided you know when to stop.
But Amynias didn’t. You’d think, with no cash,
He would starve on an apple a day;
Yet he dines like the wealthy, and keeps very healthy –
1270 Just how does he manage it, pray?
If you mention his recent Thessalian jaunt
He does get a little bit testy;
But it can’t have been that – for a person so poor
Would only have met the Penestae.123
Automenes,124 you happy man,
How proud you needs must be
To have three sons of such renown
