‘Here we are,’ Fran said, completely unaware of her hat. ‘In the famous Ritzy City bakery, Cakes, Pies and That’s About It Really. Today we are behind the scenes, where we will teach you how to make the sensational and top secret That’s About It Really tarts – only available in Ritzy City!’
‘Ah ah ah, no filming in here!’ said one of the bakers, putting a hand over the camera lens. She turned to Fran. ‘Sorry … Narf, you can’t film in here.’
‘WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?!’ Fran roared, her beehive bursting into flames.
TEN MINUTES AND ONE FIRE-EXTINGUISHER SPELL LATER …
‘And we didn’t even get the secret recipe,’ Fran said glumly, chucking the burnt Narf hat over her shoulder. ‘Not getting the recipe is even worse than being called Narf for four years. That recipe would’ve made me a hero.’
‘Where to now, Fran?’ Fluffanora asked. Tiga could tell she felt bad about the Narf incident. Smoke coming out of Fran’s ears was usually as angry as she got. They’d never seen her hair combust before.
Fran sighed and stared at the list. ‘It’s Mavis and her weird-shaped jam jars.’
Ritzytwig Theatre
Marge Mustoyd was the director of the Ritzytwig Theatre, Sinkville’s oldest and grandest playhouse. Her latest production was days from launch, and Marge Mustoyd wasn’t much in the mood for being interviewed.
‘I’m sorry, you’re going to have to forgive me, I’m very busy,’ she fretted. She was tall and lean, with bright purple lipstick and square-cut glasses to match. She had stars on her smock and scribbles on her tights. ‘I’m putting the finishing touches to A Human Called Greg.’
‘What’s it about?’ Fran said, gesturing at Lizzie Beast to start rolling the camera.
‘A human called Greg,’ Marge Mustoyd said. ‘He falls down the pipes into Sinkville and is told by a fairy that he must find his way to NAPA, as the witch there is the only one who can send him home – he has to follow the winding road.’
‘That sounds familiar,’ Tiga mumbled.
‘Sorry, pardon me,’ Fran said, zooming uncomfortably close to Marge Mustoyd’s face. ‘You mentioned a fairy at one point there. May I just enquire who is performing that role?’
‘Ah, Julie,’ Marge Mustoyd said, as Tiga, Lizzie Beast and Fluffanora took a cautious step back.
‘Julie,’ Fran said flatly. ‘Julie.’
‘Yes,’ Marge Mustoyd said. ‘Julie.’
‘Julie Jumbo Wings?!’ Fran cried.
‘Well,’ Marge Mustoyd said. ‘I don’t think that’s what she goes by, though she does have rather large wi–’
‘WELL JULIE JUMBO WINGS KEPT THIS QUIET!’ Fran roared. ‘How many lines does she have?’
‘Fran …’ Tiga said.
‘And, more importantly,’ Fran said, ‘is it too late for me to audition?’
Marge Mustoyd rolled her eyes and stormed off.
‘OR I COULD PLAY THE ROLE OF GREG?’ Fran called after her. ‘MOST WITCHES DON’T KNOW WHAT A HUMAN LOOKS LIKE ANYWAY! WE COULD TELL THEM HUMANS ARE VERY SMALL!’
‘Well, you ruined that,’ Tiga said. ‘She’s never going to come out of her office and speak to us.’ She took a handful of black Ritzytwig popcorn and popped it in her mouth.
‘All we have is footage of you begging to play the role of a human called Greg,’ Fluffanora added, taking a handful of popcorn too.
They sat in silence in the vast theatre. The seats were covered in the most beautiful black velvet, and the black velvet curtains that hung across the stage glinted with the glittery words A Human Called Greg: A Ritzytwig Original.
‘I’ll just have to really research the five things you didn’t know about Marge Mustoyd and hope Patricia the producer is happy with it.’
Five Things You Didn’t Know About Marge Mustoyd, by Tiga
1.Marge Mustoyd has written over fifty plays, and her most popular one is Nightlight Cackle Feast, which is played every Witchmas.
2.She wears a perfume called Mustoyd Deluxe, which was specially created for her by Whiffney’s, the perfumery on Ritzy Lane.
3.She invented the recipe for the black popcorn at the Ritzytwig Theatre.
4.She draws patterns on her tights every morning depending on her mood. On good days it’s little suns and rainbows, while on bad days it’s usually really angry faces and lightning bolts.
5.Marge Mustoyd … rhymes with Large Crustoyd, which is a rare witch toe disease.
How to Create Marge Mustoyd-Style Tights Designs
WHAT YOU’LL NEED:
•A pair of black or white tights
•Some fabric pens
HOW TO MAKE THEM:
Design your tights! Marge Mustoyd likes to draw her mood – so you can draw smiley faces and sunshine and rainbows, or if you’re furious right now, why not draw some thunderbolts and write GRRR on them? Or you can dream up your own design! Whatever you want.
Behind the Scenes at Mavis’s Jam Stall
Mavis was pottering behind her jam stall, stacking jam jars in ambitious formations.
‘You’re here!’ she cried when she saw the group of them coming down the road, like weathered travellers back from a lengthy adventure.
‘I can’t wait to show you this exciting new thing I’ve been working on,’ Mavis said with a worrying grin.
‘It’s not weird-shaped jam jars again, is it?’ Fluffanora said flatly.
Mavis blinked. ‘No.’
‘What is it, then?’ Fran asked.
Mavis swallowed loudly. ‘It’s … nothing.’
Tiga started to laugh, but it was cut short when she tripped over something and went flying into Mavis’s stall. She grabbed a wobbling stack of jam jars to steady herself. ‘What was that?’ she said, turning to see that there was nothing on the ground for her to trip over at all. She reached down to see if she could feel anything, but Fluffanora grabbed her hand.
‘NO! It was nothing. You tripped over nothing.’
‘But –’ Tiga began. ‘It felt hard … and lumpy.’
‘It was just your chunky boot,’ Fluffanora said, with what Tiga was sure was a hint of panic in her voice. She pushed Tiga behind the back of Mavis’s stall. ‘Come on, hurry up, Tiga. We need to finish this documentary.’
‘You’re being weird,’ Tiga said. ‘Very weird.’
The jam stall looked small from the outside, piled high with jam jars and peppered with cats, but once you stepped behind it and peered past the frayed curtain at the back, it was as big as a big house!
‘Yeah,’ Mavis said with a shrug. ‘This is my house.’
Tiga slid inside, where witches were sitting around a cosy kitchen table filling jars with freshly made jam straight from an old cauldron. The roof had a huge crack down the middle.
‘Did someone break the roof?’ Tiga asked as she turned to see Fluffanora frantically shaking her head at Mavis. As soon as she saw Tiga looking at her, she stopped.
‘… No,’ Mavis said slowly, not taking her eyes off Fluffanora.
‘But it looks cracked,’ Tiga said, pointing at it.
‘Only you break my roof, Tiga,’ Mavis said with a nervous giggle.
This was true. When Tiga had first landed in Sinkville, she’d landed smack bang on top of Mavis’s roof. And she’d been accidentally falling on it and breaking it ever since.
‘And you haven’t been anywhere near Mavis’s roof,’ Fluffanora said quickly, making a show of opening her trunk and pulling clothes out of it as if to distract Tiga.
In the corner was a stack of jam jars shaped like shoes.
‘Please don’t say you’re trying to make jam jar shoes,’ Fluffanora said.
Mavis blinked. ‘OK.’
‘I’ll do this interview,’ Fran said, flying over to Mavis as Lizzie Beast lumbered after her.
‘Mavis,’ Fran said seriously. ‘Why do you like jam?’
Mavis pondered the question for a moment. ‘I don’t actually like jam. It’s disgusting.’
‘But,’ Fra
n spluttered, ‘you’re Ritzy City’s biggest jam seller!’
‘Exactly,’ Mavis said with a shrug. ‘That’s a very different thing to being Ritzy City’s biggest jam eater.’
‘Who is Ritzy City’s biggest jam eater?’ Fran asked, her voice lowered.
‘Fluffanora, definitely,’ Mavis said, winking in her direction.
‘YES!’ Fluffanora said, punching the air. ‘I knew it was me.’
‘So you hate jam?’ Fran asked Mavis again.
‘Yes.’
‘You’d never eat it?’
‘No.’
‘Why did you start selling jam then?’
‘Accident.’
‘Accident?’
‘My latest thing was not an accident,’ Mavis said proudly. ‘I’ve created jam jar bags! The new Witchoween craze – no party is complete without them!’
Fluffanora draped one over her shoulder. ‘I like these!’
Mavis’s eyes lit up. ‘AND MY NEXT IDEA IS THAT WE COULD MAKE THEM CAT-SHAPED.’
‘No, Mavis,’ Fluffanora said sternly. ‘Stop trying to make everything cat-shaped.’
Five Things You Didn’t Know About Mavis, by Tiga
1.Mavis never misses an episode of Cooking for Tiny People and recently got a ticket to sit in the live studio audience! But she got kicked out for throwing a peach.
2.She can speak eight languages – four witch ones, four human ones.
3.Every morning she delivers a fresh pot of jam to Peggy, along with a nice note or a drawing.
4.Every week she meets up with Crispy for a Trilly’s tea and a chat. Crispy is her favourite fairy.
5.Her least successful jam product was a jam face cream, which made people look injured.
How to Make a Jam Jar Party Bag
WHAT YOU’LL NEED:
•An empty jam jar with a lid
•Ribbon
•Glue pen
•Glitter
•Bowl
HOW TO MAKE IT:
1.Take the jam jar lid and ask an adult to pierce two holes in it (they don’t need to be a witch, but a magic adult human will do it a lot more quickly than a normal adult, who will probably have to use scissors and skewers and things like that).
2.Thread the ribbon through the holes and tie together on the underside of the lid so it makes a ribbon handle.
3.Take the glue pen and draw cool patterns on the outside of the jar.
4.Pour glitter into a bowl.
5.Gently roll the jam jar in the glitter so it sticks to your glue drawings.
6.Leave the jar to dry overnight.
7.Fill with fun things for your guests – sweets, little funny notes, anything!
8.Screw on the lid and swing it by the handle – it’s ready to go!
Linden House
It was getting dark by the time they’d emerged from Mavis’s jam stall, and Linden House was glowing brightly – because of a giant, flashing WITCHOWEEN sign that was hanging, squint, right across the front of the building. Tiga tingled with excitement – her first Witchoween! It was almost time.
‘You’re back!’ Peggy cried, racing outside and giving Tiga a hug.
Fluffanora marched past, lugging her trunk. Tiga spotted her wink at Peggy.
‘What is going on?’ Tiga asked. ‘You’re both up to something.’
Peggy’s cheeks flushed. ‘No we’re not.’
Pat the chef peeked her head around the door. ‘The tarts are finally done – I put a spell on them to ban them from burning, and it worked. Shall I put them out before or after the big –’ She stopped as soon as she saw Tiga.
‘The big what?’ Tiga asked.
‘Nothing,’ Fluffanora said as Pat the chef scuttled back inside.
‘Anyway,’ Peggy said with an excited squeak in her voice. ‘You’ve still got to do my interview for Witch Snitch. Tiga, why don’t you bring that notebook into the grand hall …’
Tiga couldn’t believe her eyes when she saw it. The grand hall, usually bare and full of echoes, was crammed full of witches from all over Sinkville! A huge neon HAPPY WITCHOWEEN, TIGA sign hung from the ceiling. Witches swung jam jar bags, and huge trays of Clutterbucks cocktails magically glided past. In the corner a bunch of witches were playing the Coves cake game.
‘It’s for you!’ Peggy said as she and Fluffanora hugged Tiga tightly, knocking her over completely. ‘Your first ever Witchoween!’
‘I think we can all agree I was the best at not ruining the surprise,’ Fran said. ‘There are three things that I am particularly excellent at – surprises, singing and accessorising with feathers.’
‘And there’s more,’ Fluffanora said, racing over to the window and flicking her finger.
The huge silky black curtains that covered the windows disappeared with a pop, and outside –
‘Is that …’ Tiga said, moving closer so she could get a better look.
Mavis was jumping up and down next to something crumpled on the ground by her jam stall.
‘It’s you, Tiga!’ Fluffanora said. ‘We had a statue made of you.’
‘Where the first Tiga landed in Sinkville,’ Felicity Bat said, her face emotionless.
‘That’s what I tripped over earlier!’ Tiga said with a snort.
‘We’d done an invisible spell to hide it,’ Peggy explained. ‘Well, Felicity did the spell.’
‘That’s why you’ve been weird, Fluffanora,’ Tiga said with a grin. ‘Because of this party, because of that statue!’
Fluffanora nodded. ‘I thought you were going to figure it out.’
‘You thought I was going to figure out that you were making a statue of me in a crumpled heap after falling from the sink pipes?’
‘You are a good guesser,’ Peggy said seriously.
‘Well, it’s … lovely,’ Tiga said with a smile. ‘But I fell on the roof of Mavis’s jam stall, remember. Not the pavement.’
‘We tried it on the roof of the jam stall,’ Felicity Bat said, ‘but it broke it. So we went with the pavement instead. Slightly historically inaccurate, but Peggy doesn’t seem to care about these things.’
‘That’s why Mavis’s roof was cracked and everyone was being weird when I brought it up!’ Tiga said. ‘It all makes sense now!’
‘And do you know why we chose today?’ Peggy asked.
Fran shoved a witch-sized tart in her mouth. ‘Mits min mon mear!’
Tiga stared at them blankly.
‘It’s been ONE WHOLE YEAR since you fell from the weird human world above the pipes and into ours!’ Peggy cheered.
The crowd of witches in the room cheered, too.
Mavis let out a delayed and distant ‘yay’ from beside the statue outside, before tottering in to join the party.
‘Can you believe it’s been a whole year since we met, right out there – you all terrified, me with gloopy hair,’ Peggy said, squeezing Tiga tightly. ‘When better to celebrate Witchoween this year than on the day I met my favourite witch!’
The crowd cheered and clinked their Clutterbucks glasses.
‘This is … INCREDIBLE,’ Tiga said, spinning in the room. ‘And look at all the wonderful things! Cakes, Pies and That’s About It Really tarts, sparkling outfits inspired by Desperate Dolls, bunting from the Mermaid Museum! Marge Mustoyd tights! Jam jar goodie bags!’
‘The melting Miss Heks cheese bites were my idea,’ Felicity Bat said.
‘They are very you,’ Tiga said with a smile.
Felicity Bat bowed her head proudly as someone behind her held up one of the Miss Heks cheese bites and screamed.
‘To Tiga!’ Peggy cried. ‘Who changed my life.’
‘You changed my life too,’ Fluffanora said.
‘And mine,’ Fran said grandly and with a twirl.
Peggy kicked Felicity Bat’s boot. ‘Ow, Peggy. Ugh,’ she said, rolling her eyes. ‘You probably changed mine a bit, too.’
‘She rid you of evil,’ Fran quietly snapped at Felicity Bat. ‘Show some respect.’
Felicity Bat rolled her eyes again.
‘She certainly changed my jam stall!’ Mavis added. ‘More than once … you know, because of all the falling on it and smashing it.’
‘Yes, thank you, Mavis,’ Peggy said.
‘SPEECH!’ one of the Cove witches yelled. ‘SPEECH! SPEECH! SPEECH!’
Tiga stepped forward. Her mum waved at her, beaming.
‘Thank you so much for this. In one year, I’ve realised I can levitate a bit, do spells, find long-lost mothers, fight off power-hungry lunatics, stop Fran from exploding … I’ve realised I am a witch – and I can do anything.
‘To Sinkville!’ she cheered. ‘TO MY FAVOURITE, FABULOUS WITCHES!’
‘AND FAIRIES!’ Fran shouted. ‘For the love of a cat in a crumpled hat, when will you witches stop forgetting about THE FAIRIES?!’
Five Things You Didn’t Know About Tiga, by Tiga (for fun)
1.She thinks Witchoween is the best thing ever. (Tiga also really likes writing about herself in her own notebook in third person.)
2.She accidentally knocked the skirt off the lamp post outside Brew’s and now Lanky Lorna looks a bit naked.
3.She really wants to see A Human Called Greg at the Ritzytwig Theatre.
4.She secretly finds Fran hilarious, but can never tell her because it would only encourage her.
5.She thinks Witchoween is the best thing ever.
Read on for a peek at the first WITCH WARS adventure
AVAILABLE NOW!
Down the Plughole
It would have been very difficult to spot Fran the fairy on the day this story begins. Her dress may have been puffy, her hair may have been huge, but she was barely the size of a small potato.
Fran was slowly sidestepping across a garden lawn, holding a large, limp leaf in front of her. She didn’t want the owner of the garden to see her because Miss Heks was a terrible old woman with a grim face and size eleven shoes. If she had seen Fran she would’ve squashed her immediately.
Witch Snitch Page 10
