Less than a month later he came back, and the nightmare began.
He phoned Georgina from Heathrow; she was in the kitchen with Mrs Tallow, helping her make pastry. Alexander was in London; she often thought afterwards how her entire life might have worked out differently if he had been at the house.
‘Heathrow! But Kendrick, you’re in New York.’
‘No, Georgina, I’m not in New York. I’m at Heathrow. I just told you. Separation from me has obviously affected your brain. Is there any chance you could come and meet me?’
‘Of course, of course there is, I’ll come straight away, but I’ll still be nearly two hours, I should think. Oh, Kendrick, how lovely, how lovely. I’ll be with you as soon as I can. In the arrivals area. Love you.’
‘Love you too.’
Georgina’s white Golf GTI tore up the M4 at a steady 110 without thought for speed limits, the police, or her own safety. Due entirely to the good offices of her guardian angel who was clearly working overtime on her behalf, she reached Heathrow in under ninety minutes.
Kendrick was waiting for her, lounging against a pillar in the arrivals hall; he was wearing a camel greatcoat and a slouch hat. ‘You look like Dick Tracy,’ said Georgina, kissing him.
‘You don’t look a bit like Breathless Mahoney,’ said Kendrick, kissing her back, ‘but I never did like blondes anyway.’
‘That lets me off one big worry.’
‘Can we go straight to bed when we get home?’
‘Absolutely straight.’
‘Thank God for that.’
‘How’s your dad?’ asked Kendrick. He was looking very solemn, lying in the old-fashioned white iron bath in Georgina’s bathroom. She had had it moved down from the nursery bathroom, when Nanny had had it modernized and put in what she called a sweety in avocado green.
‘He’s OK,’ said Georgina cautiously. ‘He’s in London for a few days.’
‘Better? He must be, if he’s in London.’
‘Yes. Better. But not well. Not really. The psychiatrist says we have to be very careful. Not cross him, not let him get tired. He’s funny, his mind seems to have slowed down. It’s hard to explain, things take a long time to get through. But once they do, he’s fine.’
‘Good.’
‘Uncle Baby isn’t any worse,’ she said, ‘I saw him last week. He was in good spirits. He and Tommy had found a whole batch of new games. I don’t know what they’d do without each other, I really don’t. You mustn’t let on, specially not to Charlotte, but I quite like Tommy.’ She was aware that she was running on, that she was nervous, anxious to postpone the moment when he began to try and discuss their future.
‘Yes,’ he said, ‘I quite like him too. What I’ve seen of him.’
‘Does your father know you’re here?’
‘No. Not yet.’
‘Aren’t you going to tell him?’
‘Well,’ said Kendrick, ‘it depends.’
‘On what?’
‘I’ll tell you. How are you finding it here, nursing Alexander?’
‘Depressing. Boring. But you know I have to do it,’ she added warily. ‘For the time being.’
‘The time being is dragging on a bit, isn’t it?’
‘Maybe a bit. Kendrick, what is this? And why exactly are you here?’
‘I’m here to carry you off. To my enchanted castle. Aka my new loft conversion on the Upper West Side.’
‘Is it gorgeous?’
‘It’s gorgeous. Huge rooms, huger windows, all light and white, overlooks the park.’
‘It sounds perfect.’
‘No it’s not quite perfect,’ said Kendrick.
‘What’s wrong with it?’
‘You’re not there.’
‘Oh.’
‘Georgina, darling, I do truly admire your devotion to your father, or rather to Alexander, and we will come to that in a minute – don’t look like that Georgina, please –’
‘Kendrick, you know very well that as far as I’m concerned Alexander is my father. I love him, he’s been perfect to me all my life, and I simply have no interest in finding anyone else. And I don’t care if he’s Mr Wonderful, like Charles St Mullin, or if he’s Mr Nightmare, like Tommy. As far as I’m concerned, it’s Daddy, and he is Mr Perfect, and that’s that. I wish I’d never ever told you about it.’
‘Fine,’ said Kendrick. His face made it very clear it wasn’t.
‘Well anyway, what were you going to say?’
‘I was going to say that I thought it was my turn.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Georgina, I love you, I’ve asked you to marry me, you’ve said you would, and I’ve waited what seems like a long time.’
‘But Kendrick, what about Uncle Baby –?’
‘I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and I’m quite sure we should give him the pleasure of seeing it happen. And I want you living with me in New York. I’m going to be working there now and you’re not working here, and it seems crazy. I was thinking about it last night and how crazy it seemed, and I just got on the plane and came to tell you. That’s why I’m here. I think we should get married very simply and very soon, over here, and then move to New York. I know Dad’s ill, and everything, but he certainly wouldn’t want us hanging around here waiting for him to – well, that’s what I think.’
This was a very long speech for Kendrick; Georgina sat listening to him, staring at him as he lay in the bath, her expression very distant. ‘I see,’ was all she said.
‘Well, that’s not a very passionate response. I thought you’d be racing off packing, buying a bridal gown, all that sort of thing.’
‘No you didn’t.’ The flat voice matched her expression.
‘What do you mean?’
‘You didn’t think that at all. You knew I’d argue, that I wouldn’t be able to come.’
‘Georgina, what do you mean, you wouldn’t be able to come? Of course I didn’t know that. I wouldn’t be here if that was the case.’
‘Because you know I have to look after Daddy. I have to.’
‘Georgina, listen. Your father, unlike mine, is actually perfectly fit and well. He may live for another twenty years. Probably will. Are you going to stay here with him all that time?’
‘No of course not. But he’s had a breakdown, Kendrick, and it was at least partly my fault, and he’s in a very vulnerable state. There’s nobody else here, except Nanny and Mrs Tallow, to look after him. And besides the psychiatrist said we mustn’t – force him. Make him face things he doesn’t want to face. I can’t leave him, I can’t.’
‘For how long can’t you leave him?’
‘Well – until he’s better.’
‘And how long do you think that might be?’
‘Well – I don’t know. Maybe a few more months.’
‘But it’s already gone on for months. It could become years. Am I to stay there all alone in New York indefinitely waiting for you? Because it doesn’t seem a very happy prospect, Georgina. I just might not be able to do it.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘I mean I might have to rethink. I might feel you didn’t love me enough to marry me. I might feel that coming second to your father was not very satisfactory. You must surely see that, Georgina.’
Georgina faced him. She felt very frightened, but she was not going to give in, not going to be intimidated.
‘I’m sorry, Kendrick, but that’s what I have to do. I can’t fail him. Not now. He needs me.’
‘I need you.’
‘He needs me more.’
‘Well in that case,’ said Kendrick, ‘I think I may as well get straight back to New York. It’s very sad, but I don’t see any alternative. Pass me that bathrobe, would you, Georgina, and maybe you’d be good enough to check on flights out tonight.’
Georgina passed him the robe. She watched him in silence as he wrapped it round him, reached for his clothes; his face was a fearsome blank.
‘You’re not se
rious, are you?’ she said.
‘Oh yes,’ he said. ‘Absolutely serious.’ He looked at her with something close to dislike in his eyes. ‘I love you so much, Georgina, so terribly much, I can’t remember a time now when I didn’t love you. But love needs nourishing, tending. It can’t grow on without any encouragement at all. My love for you is being starved to death. Unless you do something about it it’s going to die. For the last time, Georgina, are you going to come with me? We could be so happy.’
‘No,’ she said, ‘no I can’t. Not yet.’
‘Then,’ he said, ‘I think we had better forget all about it, don’t you?’
She drove him all the way back to Heathrow. Stony-faced, silent, unreproachful.
‘Goodbye,’ she said when they got there.
He looked at her, raised his hand, touched her cheek.
‘Goodbye, Georgina,’ was all he said.
And then the long journey back, without him, and for the first time since she could remember, no tape to listen to with his voice on. As she turned into the Great Drive, in the darkness, Georgina finally began to feel the pain, began to cry; by the time she was at the house she was sobbing, loud, desperate, racked sobs. She flung herself through one of the side doors, ran up the stairs into her room, slammed the door. For what seemed like hours she lay on her bed, crying, thinking of Kendrick, of the long time they had loved one another, of how much she loved him, dazed by the speed with which it had ended.
Half the night she cried. She heard three strike on the stable clock and then four before she was aware of time at all; and she was lying exhausted on her bed, unable briefly to cry any more, when the door opened slowly. ‘Georgina?’ said a voice. It was Nanny.
‘Oh Nanny, I’m sorry. Did I wake you?’ said Georgina, sniffing loudly, groping for a tissue.
‘Hard to do that. I hadn’t been to sleep,’ said Nanny. ‘What is it this time, Georgina?’ She sounded cross; Georgina gave her a watery smile.
‘It’s Kendrick, Nanny.’
‘What about him? Has he gone?’
‘He’s gone back to New York.’
‘Well that was a short visit. Doesn’t he like it here any more?’
‘Not today he didn’t. Well he didn’t like me.’
‘He should make his mind up. I thought he wanted to marry you.’
‘Not any more, Nanny. Not any more.’
‘So what’s gone wrong?’
‘I’ve gone wrong, Nanny. Or rather I haven’t gone right, his way.’
‘You’re talking in riddles,’ said Nanny, as if her own conversation was always perfectly straightforward. ‘What are you going on about, Georgina? You always did have trouble expressing yourself.’
‘Oh Nanny, don’t scold me. I can’t stand it. The thing is, Kendrick wants us to get married and then for me to go back to New York straight away, and I told him I couldn’t.’
‘Why?’
Georgina stared at her.
‘Well because of Daddy, of course.’
‘Oh,’ said Nanny. ‘Oh, I see.’
‘I can’t leave him, Nanny, I can’t. Not even if it means losing Kendrick.’ She had started crying again, staring up at the ceiling, her face swollen and ugly. ‘He needs me. He needs me so much. And I love him, you know, I really really do. And I just don’t think he could manage without me. Not now. I can’t leave him, Nanny, I really can’t.’
Chapter 46
Virginia, 1960
‘I can’t leave him, Nanny, I can’t. He needs me so much. And I love him, you know I really do.’
Nanny looked at Virginia. It was the latest in a long series of conversations. The first seemed a long time ago now, but it wasn’t really, only a few weeks. Virginia had been sitting in the small chair in the window in her bedroom; Nanny had been listen-ing to her crying for hours, and unable to bear it any longer had come in.
‘Is everything all right, your ladyship?’
Virgina looked at her and in spite of everything she managed to smile: a watery, lopsided smile.
‘Not absolutely, Nanny. Not absolutely. Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to worry you.’
She had been at Hartest nearly three months; a pale, rather subdued bride, struggling to make the adjustment to her new life, solitary much of the time, riding alone through the grounds, meeting her official commitments, making herself familiar with the house, its history, its demands. Alexander was still painfully proud of her, showing her off; only a month after they had reached England, he had insisted they gave a big party, to introduce her to all his friends and their neighbours in Wiltshire, supper for two hundred and fifty, in a marquee on the back terrace, with dancing afterwards. A great success, it was agreed, and it had been reported in the local press and even a couple of the London papers.
‘It was too much for you, that party,’ said Nanny, ‘I told Alexander, his lordship, that it was too much, too many people.’
‘Well that was kind, Nanny, but of course it wasn’t too much, I should be able to cope with a few people coming round.’ She giggled weakly. ‘You must think I’m hopeless. Really hopeless. Alexander should have married some stalwart Englishwoman with nerves of steel and an iron constitution.’
‘No,’ said Nanny simply. ‘I think you’re wonderful.’
Virginia looked at her, startled. ‘That’s really very sweet, Nanny. I don’t see anything very wonderful in what I’m doing.’
‘You’re making Alexander – Lord Caterham happy,’ said Nanny. She sounded stern.
‘Well – he’s making me happy,’ said Virginia determinedly, and then burst into tears again. ‘Oh Nanny, you’ll have to excuse me. I’ll be all right soon. Just tired, I suppose.’
‘Yes, I suppose,’ said Nanny. ‘Well I will leave you. If that’s what you want. Would you like anything? A cup of tea?’
‘I’d love a glass of wine,’ said Virginia. ‘It’s a funny time for it, I know, but that’s what I’d really like. Do you think you could ask Harold to bring a bottle into the library? I’ll be down in a minute for lunch.’
‘Yes, if that’s what you want,’ said Nanny. She implied that it couldn’t possibly be what Virginia wanted. She started to leave the room, then turned in the doorway.
‘I do know,’ she said, looking a little flustered, ‘I do know how difficult everything must be for you. I just thought I should say that. I’ve known Alexander ever since he was a tiny little boy.’
Virginia stared at her. A very faint hope that there was someone she might be able to share the nightmare with began to uncurl somewhere deep within her.
‘Well, Nanny, maybe you could be my friend. Maybe I could talk to you sometimes? I miss my mother particularly. She is such fun, Nanny, you’d really like her.’
‘Indeed?’ said Nanny, in tones that implied very clearly that she wouldn’t.
‘I did think,’ said Virginia wistfully, ‘that Alexander’s mother might have made some gesture for my birthday. Sent a card or something. But she seems determined to be hostile.’
‘She’s very nice really,’ said Nanny. ‘It’s unlike her to be unkind. She was always very kind to Alexander.’
Virginia looked at her, surprised. ‘Well she’s his mother, Nanny. She would be kind.’
‘It wasn’t always easy,’ said Nanny. ‘Lord Caterham, Alexander’s father, didn’t believe in kindness. He had to be stood up to.’
‘He sounds a very difficult man,’ said Virginia.
‘He was dreadful,’ said Nanny, and walked away. Virginia looked after her in surprise. It wasn’t Nanny’s style to criticize her superiors.
‘Alexander, I know it’s painful for you,’ she said after supper a few days later, ‘but I really would like to hear more about your father.’
‘Virginia, I do assure you that you wouldn’t like it.’
‘All right, I need to hear more.’
‘That is open to debate also, I would say.’ He looked at her, almost fearfully, and then managed to smile. ‘Why don’t we
talk about something pleasant? Like your father?’
‘Alexander, please don’t keep running away from things. I’m here, I’m trying to do my best; but you have to give a little.’
‘I really cannot see,’ he said, ‘what good telling you about my father would do.’
‘It might help me. It might give me an idea.’
‘An idea of what, Virginia?’ He looked very cold, icily angry. Virginia faced him steadily.
‘Of how I might be able to help you. Of what we might be able to do.’
‘Virginia,’ he said, and the suppressed rage and misery in his voice made her shiver slightly, ‘I have told you. There is nothing we, as you put it, might be able to do. And your amateur, phoney American psychiatry least of all. Now can we please change the subject?’
‘No.’ She stood up, her own rage giving her courage. ‘No we can’t. I have a right to know, Alexander, I really do. Tell me about it. Otherwise I’m leaving. Right now.’
He looked at her and visibly weakened, his anger gone. At that stage in their relationship when they both thought it possible, even feasible, that she might leave, she could seriously frighten him with the threat. Later it was empty, invalid; they both knew she would never go.
‘Well – I told you. He beat me. Often. I – well, it gave him some kind of sexual thrill. Afterwards he would – oh God, do we have to do this?’
‘We have to do this.’ Virginia took his hand, held it, faced him steadily. ‘Please go on.’
‘Well – he would abuse me.’
‘You mean sexually?’
‘I mean sexually?’
‘Oh God.’
‘Well I can tell you He seemed fairly far away,’ said Alexander, with an attempt at humour.
‘And – your mother. Did she know?’
‘Yes of course she knew.’ He looked surprised. ‘He liked to threaten her with it. Threaten both of us.’
‘Alexander, this is awful. Dreadful. Why didn’t she leave him, take you with her?’
‘She did. Twice. But then he found us, both times. Used terrible emotional blackmail. And she didn’t have any money, and her own parents were dead, and then of course, you feel so foolish, so wretchedly foolish, being seen to be a victim, ashamed almost …’
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