I tried to move and I was on my side in my flipped-over seat. The slope, a curtain of ice, dropped from my hip, so steep I wondered why I wasn’t sliding down it. Carefully, I turned only my head. My blond hair was stuck to a piece of metal that was torn and jagged like a giant piece of tinfoil. The frozen strands cracked as I turned.
I searched beyond the instrument panel to where the tree had been before. Foamy clouds walled it off. The foam ball washed over me and I lost my sense of up and down again.
Slowly I gained buoyancy like a fetus adapting to its milky chamber. The experience of skiing in a whiteout flickered across my mind. Ignoring the instrument panel I supposed that maybe I had hit a tree and that Dad couldn’t find me in the storm.
The fog undulated, as if breathing, and it lifted off the snow for a moment. Fifteen feet across the slope the pilot’s shoes wandered in disparate directions. His legs twisted in the snow. The hem of his shirt folded back and his belly was pale.
Am I still asleep?
I squirmed away from my seat, bumping my foot against the instrument panel. It dropped away, as if through a trapdoor, down the curtain of ice, vanishing in the fog. I wanted off this sheer face and scuttled on my hip and shoulder across the slope. I wondered if the pilot was really as mangled as he had looked. I heard another piece of the plane move, metal scraping ice, but all I could see was fog crawling upward. I was slipping too so I stopped. I rolled onto my stomach. The cold cut right through my ski-racing sweater and Vans. The weather was warm in Big Bear yesterday, I thought. Wish I had my gloves and jacket and ski hat now. I clung to the ice with everything I had: bare fingers, chin, chest, pelvis and knees. The curtain of ice climbed right past my nose into the fog, so steep I seemed on the verge of falling backward. Then fog closed around me, encapsulating me in a tiny gray pod.
I inched across the curtain, from left to right, toward where I had spotted the pilot. A few minutes later the ice softened to a hard crust and it was easier to grip. I noted this change in snow texture, this easier-to-grip section. When I got close I saw the pilot’s nose resting on the snow next to his face. The empty cavity was frozen with blood and his eyes strained open as if looking over his forehead. His brains leaked out the back of his skull.
I called for my dad.
Searching the drifts of fog swarming from all directions, I was not able to find him.
Dad. Dad! I called again.
A woman’s voice echoed then dwindled away in the wind.
I followed the voice and found Sandra above me, a dim figure veiled in fog. She was still in her seat, torn free of the body of the plane. A blast of snow obliterated her for a moment and when it cleared I could see. I was in a gully that tunneled upward into the high clouds and fog. Dad and I would call it a chute. It ran down from the peak of whatever mountain this was, and I guessed it poured into a wider slope or a canyon below. I looked downward and the concave ice slide reminded me of the Hangman’s Hollow run in Mammoth. Not for the faint of heart, my dad had said. I assumed jagged rocks, now covered in fog, bordered this chute, as in Hangman’s Hollow.
I hope it’s a short chute that ends just below that line of fog, I told myself. Not some thousand-footer.
I looked upward again to find Sandra. She was perched just to the right of an even steeper, slicker groove in the chute that ran vertically down this side of the chute. Skiers would call it a funnel. When avalanches broke from the high peak they’d wash down into this funnel, wiping away everything, leaving a polished slick of ice. That’s where I had been before I crawled away from my seat—in the funnel. The funnel sucked everything into it like a black hole. Have to stay away from it.
Sandra was crying and trembling.
Your father is dead, she said.
I glanced around and could not find him anywhere. She’s just upset, I decided. Need to find him though. Through a fresh wave of mist and wind I searched for my dad. As the mist cleared I looked back toward the funnel section. Dad’s figure appeared just above my seat, just above where I was a few minutes ago—the pitch so steep and the fog so thick that I had not seen him there crumpled behind my seat. He was hunched over. The crown of his head pressed against the back of my seat. His face between his knees.
Dad had come forward and across to my side. Did he lunge to protect me, or was he thrown?
What are we going to do, Norman? cried Sandra.
Another surge of fog swept over me, passing quickly, then I saw that Sandra’s shoulders were crooked like a wilted puppet. Her hair was tangled around a wound in her forehead and it stuck to the tacky blood clumped there. She kept talking and I turned to study my dad’s body again, trying to figure out how he ended up against my seat. His arms were limp resting on his thighs and his hands dangled over his knees.
Oh God, Norman, said Sandra.
He might just be knocked out, I said.
No. No. He’s dead.
I refused to accept this. It was impossible. Dad and I were a team, and he was Superman. Sandra wailed and her right shoulder hung too far below her collarbone and I realized that it was dislocated, like she was, and that gave me confidence that she was wrong about my dad. She put her other hand over her face, sobbing like a madwoman.
CHAPTER 6
NICK CAME HOME after dark and my mom served my favorite honey chicken. She ate on the couch and Sunny and I ate on the floor and Nick ate in his rocking chair with a jug of wine. I was feeling clever, having told my mom that the scrape on my arm was from falling on my way up the creek. Her easy acceptance of my story, which seemed airtight, made me feisty for some reason. And after dinner, when Nick insisted on watching a news special about Watergate, I had the nerve to protest.
I want to see what sordid facts they’ve picked up over the years, said Nick.
Oh Jesus, said my mom. Do we have to?
Fucking-A right we have to.
I leapt up and turned the channel and looked back at Nick.
Turn it back, Norman, or I’ll play Chi-cow-ski.
It’s Tchaikovsky, said my mom.
Nick’s listless expression made it clear that he was not amused by her correction. His curly hair was standing up off his forehead and combined with his tired dull eyes, it made him look slightly derelict.
Turn it back, he said.
No, I said.
He rocked forward and rose out of the chair in one motion. He took a swig of the wine.
Chi-cow-ski!
I ran back to Sunny and slid down behind her. Nick moved Sunny over and straddled me, fastening down my shoulders, and Sunny squirmed on her back and licked his arm and my face. Nick forked his fingers like a mad piano player and jabbed my chest.
Dum dum dum dummm, he sang, his wine-breath making me gag, and I turned my head.
His knees pinched my arm skin and his fingers rammed my chestbone and ribs.
Dum dum dum dummm! Chicowski plays until you promise to change the channel, he said.
Mom, I can’t breathe. Tell him to stop!
Nick. He can’t breathe. Stop.
Repeat after me, said Nick, still playing.
Okay. Okay.
I will never defy Nick again.
I will never defy Nick again, I said.
He drew his upper body back and his wrists went limp and he stared off into the distance.
Get off so I can change the channel, I said.
Nick looked down over his nose and his eyes focused far beyond as if some apparition could be seen deep in the rug. I wasn’t going to wait for him to get up and I twisted away. My shorts slid off my waist and my raspberried hip caught his attention. His eyes flared open.
I quickly pulled up my shorts, avoiding eye contact, and turned the channel to the Watergate special.
There, I said. Should I do the dishes?
Well that’s nice of you, Norman, said my mom.
Then you guys can watch the special, I said.
Nick was still on his knees, arms hanging down, head tilted forward. He didn’t turn
or move or speak. All I saw was his back inhaling and exhaling. I went to the kitchen and began soaping the dishes. I could hear Nixon and the other bad guys denying they had anything to do with the break-in. Suddenly Nick’s voice cut through the TV noise—skateboarding was the only word that was clear. Then I heard the investigators talking about what was really going on in the White House at the time—the cover-up. Nick didn’t call me into the living room and his voice never cut through the sound of the TV again so I figured I was okay. By the end of the dishes Nixon was giving his Checkers speech and some secret tapes were playing.
Nick lit up a joint and stared at the TV screen with hatred. He took off his shirt. I walked in front of the screen. Watergate Watergate blah blah blah, I said. I’m so sick of Watergate.
Nick blinked as if trying to focus on my foreground image.
You have no fucking idea, he said.
About what? I said.
He rocked out of the chair, suddenly enraged. You know why you of all people need to watch this?
My face was even with his bare stomach. The air in the room had changed. It closed in all around me.
I’m going to bed, I said.
As I turned he grabbed my arm and his fingers dug into my bone.
Ouch! I said. You’re hurting me.
Damn fucking right. Now answer the question.
What’s the question?
Why do you of all people need to be watching the downfall of the president of the United States?
I already watched it a couple years ago, I said.
Well you need to watch it again. Do you know why?
No, I said.
Did you hear that, Jan? I bet you don’t know why either.
My mom was putting away the chicken. She walked under the archway between the kitchen and the living room and stopped.
Don’t know what? she said.
Pay fucking attention. That’s the problem. You never pay attention.
My mom put a hand on her hip and looked at Nick. She lifted her eyebrows and sighed. His fingers bore deeper into my bone and the pain made me cry out.
Let go of him, said my mom.
You’d like that, wouldn’t you? But you know why I can’t? he said, seemingly to both of us.
Why? she said, rolling her eyes.
Because if I let him go now he’ll end up like Nixon.
Oh come on, said my mom. What the hell are you going on about?
He’s a liar!
I didn’t see him skateboarding, she said. Did you?
So you believe him?
She looked at me and I tried to warn her with my eyes but I was still cringing from the pain in my arm.
Yes, she said.
Nick ripped down my pants and the waistline tore the scab and fresh blood percolated to the surface of my wound.
What about this? said Nick, pointing at my raspberry.
Oh God, said my mom. Where did you get that?
I wanted to be on her side. I wanted her to win.
I got it when I slipped in the canyon, I said.
Bullshit, said Nick. Look at the blacktop around the edges.
That’s dirt, I said.
Nick rubbed his fingers over the black smudges. Ouch, I said.
Stop that, Nick, said my mom.
He held up his fingers.
It ain’t dirt.
Yes it is, I said.
Nick pointed at the TV. You sound just like Nixon, he said. It comes so naturally.
I recalled Nixon’s voice, cracked and high-pitched during his Checkers speech. Nixon had a fake smile. A warped frown. No one on the beach liked him. My dad grunted and cast him off with the wave of his hand—not even worth talking about.
Then Nick let go of my arm and I ran into the kitchen.
Come back here, he yelled.
Leave him alone, said my mom.
Get your ass back here, said Nick.
I ducked into the bathroom and peed into the toilet. I heard Nick arguing with my mom about me forgetting to take out the trash cans again, for the second week in a row. It was proof, he said, that Norman believes the world revolves around him.
I came out of the bathroom and my mom was face to face with Nick.
You’re overreacting, she said to his perspiring face.
Horseshit, he said and marched past her and into the bathroom and I knew I was busted before he even said it.
He forgot to flush the goddamn toilet again, barked Nick. This is at least the tenth time, Jan.
Nick stepped out of the bathroom and called me over. You need to clean the toilet bowl. That’s the only way you’re going to learn.
My mom stepped between him and me.
Get the fuck out of the way, said Nick, his eyes cutting hard down at my mom. She shook her head, making a stand.
Nick might do any crazy thing, I thought. He had broken our neighbor Wheeler’s ribs one night in our kitchen after a heated political debate.
I skulked into the bathroom.
It always starts when you’re young, Nick said. You lie a little, cheat a little. And then all of a sudden that’s your mentality. That’s who you are.
Nick, said my mom. You used to lie your ass off when you were a kid. That’s why you got kicked out of grammar schools and high schools and military schools. So don’t act like Norman’s got the problem, Nick.
Nick slumped against the door jam like an animal backed into a corner. He was a hairline trigger away from exploding. Don’t do or say anything Mom, I thought to myself.
She swung her hip out to the opposite side.
You think you’re right because you’re drunk and stoned, she said. But you’re wrong.
The word wrong seemed to prod Nick from deep down, and whatever it unleashed crawled up his neck and his veins popped out and the thing continued into his face turning it purple-red and wound his eyes up like a cartoon character. It wasn’t funny though, and I stopped breathing.
His jaw set and his front teeth sawed together.
I’m the fucking truth, he said, grinding up the words. And you two are fucking lies.
He stared at me, red-faced, veined and perspiring.
I can’t let you grow up to be a liar. A failure. I have to stop it. There must be consequences.
He stepped past me and pulled out a jar of Ajax and a sponge from under the sink and handed them to me.
Scrub the toilet bowl, he said.
I looked at my mom standing in the kitchen with her hand still on her hip. She shook her head, but I was afraid to defy him. I dumped the Ajax into the toilet bowl.
You don’t have to, said my mom.
Your mother doesn’t care about you, Norman, he said. She wants you to be a liar and a failure. Do you understand that? She’s too lazy to stop you.
Shut up, Nick, she said. Norman’s not a liar. You are, Nick. You are!
His body tensed as if jolted by electricity.
You know I’m right, he said.
Nick looked down at me. You know I’m right, he repeated.
He may be drunk and stoned, I thought. He may be crazy. But he was right—I had lied.
I held the sponge and Ajax and my mom looked at me, half eclipsed by Nick’s stomach. She shook her head. It wasn’t clear whether she was signaling for me not to scrub the toilet or whether she was just disgusted with the whole situation, or both.
The hair on his stomach was inches from my face and he smelled like sour milk.
You’ll wake up one day and realize the world does not revolve around you and it will be too late, he said. You’ll be too old to change. You’ll end up bitter and frustrated for the rest of your life. Save yourself, Norman, he said. Because your mother can’t.
My mom scoffed. She either didn’t know or didn’t care that I had lied, and this ambiguity created a void inside me, a space for Nick’s demons to take root.
I began scrubbing.
You don’t have to do that, said my mom.
He knows I’m right, said Nick.
>
You’re a joke, said my mom.
I kept scrubbing and then I heard Nick’s rocking chair creak. I heard my mom march into the living room and they started yelling at each other. I wished I could yell too—better than just shrinking up like a bug.
He called her a cunt. She said he wouldn’t know what to do with one if it fell in his lap. Then I heard the sound of meat and bone colliding. A second later a dull thump against the floor. I dropped the sponge and ran into the living room.
My mom was on the floor. She held both hands over one eye. She whimpered like a child, curled and fetal. Nick stood over her. He moved his feet like a nervous horse. I got between Nick and my mom.
You’re a bully, I said.
He swallowed and his Adam’s apple rose and fell. He turned and went to the freezer. I kneeled down and asked my mom if she was okay.
I’m fine, Norman. You should go to bed now. Everything will be okay. Don’t worry, she said. I promise.
I didn’t see how things would be okay. I didn’t see how that was possible. She was either lying or didn’t understand what was really going on.
I’m going to run up to Dad’s, I said.
No! she said. Don’t do that, Norman.
Why? He’ll protect us.
If you try to run away I’ll track you down, said Nick. You’ll never make it.
He sounded like an actor in a movie. He came through the archway with ice wrapped in a towel. In that moment he looked melodramatic and ridiculous to me. Nick handed the wrapped-up ice to my mom. His blood-veined eyes slanted across his face at me. I turned away and saw the sliding glass door and imagined myself escaping out it. I was running up Topanga Canyon to my dad’s house—he would fix everything—but Nick was chasing me on the bridge over the creek and it was dark and his fingers snagged my hair. Feeling myself crash to the ground made my courage wither, exposing something else beneath it, and I stood frozen in the living room, eyeing my escape route, defeated.
In the middle of the night I woke to the cry of a dying animal. I opened my bedroom door and heard my mom moan as if in agony. I stepped toward her room and was about to call out, Are you okay? when she moaned again. It sounded different, as if a note of joy rang out from a frenzy of dark chords, and I realized they were fucking. It dawned on me that their fight had seemed like a show, like they were actors playing parts in a made-up story.
Crazy for the Storm Page 3
