by Kata Čuić
I shake my head. All my games didn’t matter anyway. Without anywhere else to run and hide, this was always going to happen. Eventually.
Jesse crouches on the sideline, a tentative smile stretching his lips. “Hey, there.”
Anne releases me like she’s never needed me a day in her life. Any fear of strangers a foreign concept, she jumps up and down, already anticipating another playmate. “What’s your name? I’m Anne Shirley Wheeler!”
Jesse rolls his lips between his teeth then gusts out on a whisper, “Anne Shirley Wheeler. Of course, ya are. Of course, you’re Anne Shirley.” His eyes dance like the leaves in the wind during a heavy rainstorm as he glances at me. “That’s a right fittin’ name. My name’s Jesse Michael Yates.”
“And I’m dead meat.” Kenny steps up to watch over the scene, keeping a safe distance from me while he scoots closer to Anne.
“It’s fine,” I murmur.
It’s not fine at all, but I can’t tear them apart now that they’re together. Not without giving everything away. I can’t lie to myself so well as to say part of me hasn’t been aching for this moment. My muscles tremble from keeping my composure through nothing but sheer, stubborn will.
Anne doesn’t notice the tension among the adults as she frames the dimple in Jesse’s chin with her little hands before shaking his head back and forth. She obviously feels he warrants a closer inspection before approval. He lets her drink her fill, a small smile perched on his lips the whole while.
“Do ya wanna ask me anythin’?” he whispers as she smooths her hands across his stubble-covered cheeks.
“Will you be my friend?”
“I’ll be your best friend if you’ll have me.” He produces a chocolate bar from his pants pocket to sweeten the deal like he’s been ready and waiting for this moment.
Knowing him, he probably has.
For all her tantrums about hating Martin Land, its inhabitants, and even the way people around here talk, she throws her arms around Jesse’s neck, not needing any further bribes. A love of chocolate is something else she gets honestly.
“Don’t break her heart, Jesse,” I warn through my tears that won’t be held back any longer.
“Never,” he promises as she does her best to squeeze the breath out of him. He laughs as he pretends to be defeated by her might and wraps his strong arms securely around her little body. “I reckon she’s gonna break mine.”
Ten Years Ago
The treehouse door isn’t even all the way open before I feel it being pulled from my grasp. On a breath, a strong hand grabs onto my upper arm and hauls me up through the door. Bewildered and more than a little frightened, I peer around into the flickering candlelight, half expecting to see a stranger waiting to hurt me. Or maybe Gerald since it’s pretty cold tonight.
As my sight adjusts to the dim light, Jesse’s mossy eyes peer back at me. I ain’t never in my whole life seen this boy as excited as he looks right now. Kind of sad, considering we’re fifteen.
“I been wonderin’ when ya was comin’.” He’s practically bouncing like a fritter in oil.
I gotta admit, it’s a little unsettling.
“Well, Jesse.” I pause to catch my breath and slow my racing heart. “Ya know where I live. If ya needed me for somethin’, ya coulda just knocked on the door or my window.”
“I don’t need ya for nothin’. I got ya somethin’.” His excitement evaporates to nervousness. He goes from twitchy to still faster than my spinning mind can keep up. Reaching behind his back, he very slowly produces a pair of bright red tennies.
It takes me a few minutes to understand. “Ya got me a pair of shoes?”
His eyes flit between the offering still clutched in his hands and my face. His expression changes from eager to unsure. “Well, yeah…”
Ignoring the fact they’re boy’s shoes and probably too big for my feet, I blurt out the next thing that comes to mind. “Where’d ya get the money for ‘em?”
“Oh.” His face looks a might proud now. “I been pickin’ up scraps all through the woods and along the roads. Old beer cans and wire and stuff. I took ‘em all to the scrap yard, and they gave me money. I had a lot to give ‘em.”
“How long ya been doin’ that?”
He shrugs like it’s not a big deal. “Coupla months.”
“Well…” I don’t want to hurt his feelings, but I can’t accept his gift neither. “Why don’t ya use the money for food? Or somethin’ ya need?”
“Oh, I did. I bought this here candy bar.” He reaches behind him again and comes back with a chocolate bar that he places on the wooden floor between us. “Ya wanna share it?”
“Ya need this stuff way more than I do. Why ya spendin’ your money on me?”
He studies the shoes like they’re the most interesting thing he’s seen all day. I know when Jesse won’t meet my eyes he’s about to say something uncomfortable. My heart goes right back to racing as I wait on his words.
“I know they cut your daddy’s hours back at the mine, and the shinin’ ain’t goin’ too well right now ‘cause of it. No one’s buyin’ ‘cause they ain’t got the money for it neither. So, I know your mama and daddy couldn’t afford to get ya the new shoes ya need.”
He still ain’t looking at me, but all I can do is stare at him with my mouth hanging open. “How in blazes do ya know all that?”
He places the shoes on the floor by the candy bar and shuffles back into his pile of blankets and pillows, still not meeting my eyes. “Your daddy ain’t been able to pay me for helpin’ around the homestead for a few months. He explained the cut hours to me, and that’s all right. I don’t mind none. I been helpin’ out anyway, seein’ as how he’s always so good to me. I noticed ya been rubbin’ your feet together an awful lot durin’ class like they’re hurtin’ ya. Your shoes are practically fallin’ apart, so I figured they’re too small, and ya needed some new ones.”
My heart ain’t racing no more. I think it done up and forgot how to work.
I look at Jesse over in the corner. His clothes are old and tattered, dirty as always. His boots laying in the opposite corner ain’t in much better shape than my own shoes. He sure could have used this money to buy something nice for himself. The kids at school are always making fun of the poor clothes he wears.
“How long ya been workin’ for Daddy? How’d I not know he was payin’ ya to help out around here?”
“Oh, crap.” Jesse’s gaze finally shoots to mine, his eyes wide. “I wasn’t supposed to tell ya nothin’ about that. Your daddy asked me to keep it between us men.”
My eyes feel like they’re popping out of my head. There’s so many questions and thoughts mixing up in my mind I don’t know which one to spit out first.
“Don’t be mad at me, Nora.”
“I ain’t mad. I don’t know what I am.” That’s the honest to God’s truth.
“All right.” He blows out a breath that fans his shaggy hair away from his forehead, only for it to fall right back into place. “Well, ya like the shoes? I wasn’t sure what size ya needed, so I just guessed. I hope I got it right.”
My feet are nearly half-froze from the frigid winter air as it is, but I pull off my old, holey shoes and try on the new ones anyhow. Jesse ain’t wrong. My old ones are killing my feet, and Mama told me I’d have to wait until Christmas for a new pair. The red tennies are at least a full size too big, but it feels so good to be able to wiggle my toes inside my shoes again. A sigh passes through my lips at the warmth and freedom wrapping around my poor feet like the best kind of hug. After all the trouble Jesse went to, I’d never tell him they’re ugly and don’t fit right. I hate the color red. It always reminds me of blood. But he don’t know that. Favorite colors ain’t really something we ever talked about.
“It’s mighty cold tonight. Ya gonna stay with me and keep me warm?”
When I look up from tying my laces, he’s watching me with that small smile. He looks awful proud of himself, which just makes me laugh. It ain
’t a look I’m used to seeing on his face except in class when he gets called on by the teacher for a question no one but him knows the right answer for.
I crawl over to him, grabbing the chocolate bar on my way. He lifts the blankets for me to climb under them and snuggle next to his warm body. All his surprises made me forgot how cold I was for a while. I peel off the wrapper then hand him the chocolate bar. I shove my hands between my legs. They’re so frozen I can’t hold nothing else ‘til they thaw a bit.
“Open up.” Jesse holds a piece of chocolate to my lips.
I don’t know what to make of any of this. It’s like some different person lying beside me instead of my moody Jesse. I seal my lips together, waiting for the other shoe to drop.
“Don’t be so stubborn, girl. I ain’t gonna trick ya. I’m tryin’ to turn over a new leaf.” He smirks at me. “Ya always bring me food and keep me warm on the really cold nights. I wanna be a better friend to ya is all.”
With a shake of my head, I open my mouth for him to push the little rectangle inside. My eyes slide shut with a satisfied hum as the sweetness bursts on my tongue. I ain’t had any chocolate since Easter. Thanksgiving is next week. One of my favorite things to pretend is that I get to eat chocolate every day. Jesse knows that. He likes to laugh at me about it, saying I’m too old to still be playing pretend.
“Good?”
“Mmhmm.”
“Ya want another?”
I open my eyes to find him waiting with another piece. He puts it in my mouth same as the first.
When I’m done chewing, I can’t hold my tongue no more. “Why ya bein’ so nice to me? It ain’t like ya.”
He nods his head slowly against the pillow and pushes another piece into my mouth. “I know. I just been thinkin’ a lot is all, and I ain’t been very fair to ya. You’re gonna keep helpin’ me whether I like it or not, so I figure I better find some ways to help ya, too.”
He feeds me another few pieces but don’t say no more about his reasons.
I’m just starting to believe his story about turning over a new leaf when I open my eyes and catch him staring at my mouth like he’s trying to work out a really hard geometry problem.
A slow smile spreads across my face, and that makes his eyes snap up to mine. “Oh, I see what this is about now.”
He don’t answer—just keeps looking me over.
“Ya wanna practice some more, so ya figure ya’d butter me up with chocolate first? Ya don’t have to do that. All ya have to do is ask. I’m your friend. If ya want my help, I’ll help ya. Simple as that.”
“I know you’ll help me practice whenever I want. That ain’t what this here’s about.”
“No? What then? Tell me the truth.”
“I already did!”
I give him the look he usually gives me.
“I mean…” He rises up on his elbow, looking down over me. “I just figure it’d be nice for ya to get somethin’ out of it, too. It ain’t like ya wanna be kissin’ on me. The shoes are ‘cause ya need ‘em. The chocolate is to say thank ya.”
“Good.” I stretch my arms over my head and fake the biggest yawn I can. “Guess that means you’re all done with practicin’, and we can go to sleep then.”
“Well now, I don’t know about that. If I don’t keep up with my practicin’, I might forget everythin’ and go back to bein’ hurtful. Ya wouldn’t want that now, would ya?”
“I reckon I wouldn’t be a very good friend if I let that happen, no.”
He leans down until his lips find mine. In the year we’ve been practicing, Jesse’s gotten very good at kissing like people are supposed to. He’s always a fast learner at school. He’s way smarter than me. When he told me back then he thought he needed more help, I didn’t rightly know what to say. It made me feel a might nervous that proud, smart Jesse was asking for my help some more. I want to be a good angel to him, so I always say yes to whatever he asks. We been practicing nearly every day since.
His mouth moves open against mine. Now that he goes soft and slow, I don’t mind it so much when he puts his tongue in me. It feels kinda nice. He don’t slobber all over me, and he don’t choke me anymore. He never crushes me under him neither. He’s learned to hold himself up on his arms.
Seems we’re always lying down when we’re kissing.
“Now ya really are sweet, Nora,” he mumbles against my lips.
I laugh, and he pulls his head back. The smile on his face is brighter than the noonday sun in the middle of summertime. I ain’t never seen nothing like it. My laughing stops, and my heart races in my chest. It’s the most beautiful sight in the whole wide world.
Makes me sad I’m fifteen, and this is the first time I’m seeing it.
“Wanna know somethin’?” he asks, still smiling as he looks at me.
“Sure,” I breathe. I’m too stunned by all those white teeth in his mouth to really say much.
“I lied before. That chocolate was definitely to butter ya up.”
That snaps me out of my trance. “Butter me up for what?”
“I wanna practice kissin’ ya some more.”
“But we already are practicin’.”
His smile fades, and his face turns back to the normal Jesse. “I ain’t gonna practice kissin’ your mouth.”
He ducks his head back to me as I’m pondering that. My thinking don’t go too far because next thing I know, his mouth is on my neck right below my ear. It feels hot and wet and so good. Even better than when he’s kissing on my mouth. My eyes slide closed, and he steals the breath right out of my chest when he starts sucking on me.
“Ya like that, Nora?” He breathes on my skin.
All the words I ever spoke done left my head. I nod instead.
He goes back to his work, kissing with his tongue and sucking with his mouth all over one side of my neck and then around to the other.
I gasp for air when I feel something new. A pulsing—almost like pain—beats between my legs.
Jesse pushes his body against mine but instead of feeling crushed, it makes the throbbing between my legs so much better.
“Does that feel good?” he asks.
I nod again, so he presses on me again.
I cry out into the night air. I can’t help it. I never felt nothing like this before.
“Ssh.” Jesse covers my mouth with his. “It’s all right, girl. Don’t wake everyone up. I ain’t gonna hurt ya. It’s like I told ya before, a man’s body is always ready for matin’. We ain’t gonna mate, just practice our kissin’. That’s all. Don’t be scared.”
He rubs his hand over my forehead and waits for me to open my eyes.
“All right,” I whisper. I’ll say anything to make him do that again.
He gives me the little smile. “All right then. Can I keep practicin’, or ya wanna go to sleep?”
“Keep practicin’.”
As soon as the words leave my mouth, he goes back to his work on my neck and the feeling in me builds and builds. My mind swims away, floating to somewhere new and wonderful. I never knew to pretend something so magnificent before.
He pushes on top of me again, sort of sliding his body along mine. I’m gonna explode from how good it feels.
“Nora,” Jesse whispers. “I gotta stop, all right?”
He pulls up and kisses me on the forehead. That’s always his little way of saying we’re still best friends but practicing time is over. He curls up behind me and shuffles until he’s comfortable with his arms wrapped around me and with the blankets tucked up under our chins.
“’Night, sweet Nora.”
His hardness presses into my bottom, and it takes a long time for his breathing to sound normal again. I never know why he stops when he does, but it’s always this way after. I usually fall asleep before him. There ain’t no way I’ll be able to sleep anytime soon tonight.
The throbbing between my legs is still there, and it’s turned into sort of an achy feeling that won’t go away.
I re
member back when we first started all this kissing business how Jesse’s hardness scared me. We practiced a few times before I ‘fessed up I didn’t want his body touching mine. Then he explained to me all about how men’s bodies get ready for mating when they’re excited about a pretty girl. I didn’t know nothing about it except what I’d seen the animals do sometimes. He told me people mate just like animals. That made sense because I had a vague notion of where babies came from, thanks to the goats, sheep, and chickens we keep. I’d just never really thought about people mating before.
He promised me we’d never do nothing like that. I think he could tell how much all of it scared me.
He said the boys in our class learned all about it instead of having gym class one day. Us girls never did nothing like that, so I had to trust Jesse’s word. Things started coming together like puzzle pieces in my mind about Jesse’s home life. I got the terrible inkling his ma wasn’t just having sleepovers and kissing on all those men. That’s when I realized why Jesse started coming to sleep in the treehouse. He didn’t wanna hear and see his ma mating with anyone other than his poor daddy. I wondered if he knew more about mating than the other boys in our class because of her and her friends.
It ain’t no wonder at all the boy didn’t know how to kiss right. I’ll help him practice as long as he needs.
You Have to Take the Bitter with the Sweet
Lightning bugs are the most magical creatures, especially when you’ve spent most of your life never knowing they existed. Anne flits about the field, darting to and fro, delighting in the triumph of catching one, equally happy to watch it fly away again. She doesn’t miss her new friends just now. Jesse and Kenny, who?
Mama sips her iced tea from her seat on the back porch. “What are ya gonna do now?”
“I don’t know.” That seems to be the only answer I’m capable of giving whenever anyone asks me that question. Kenny and Liz both think I need to stay put and see how everything shakes out. For as much as Liz has been pushing me for years to move on, she’s suddenly in the corner of a man she’s never even met in person.
