by Fitch, E. M.
“Thanks Drew,”Emma murmured. Her demeanor was quiet again, her eyes drawn to the flickering light of the nearly burnt out candle.“Hope your foot feels better Kaylee. Sorry about before.”Kaylee snorted and nodded her acceptance of Emma’s apology. Her sister’s eyes darted only once to her, a muted smile that seemed more a grimace stretched her lips, and then Emma was standing, muttering a goodnight, and heading towards the stairs.
“That was new for her,”Andrew whispered, watching the doorway Emma had just disappeared through.“Think she’ll be okay?”
“Emma’s always okay,”Kaylee replied, rolling to her side and sitting up.“But I’ll wait a bit before going up to the room. She hates it when I see her cry.”
“Want more company?”Andrew asked, the vowels stretching as a yawn broke through. He was smiling but his eyes looked tired. It had been a long night for him.
“You get some sleep,”she said, patting his knee.“And thanks so much for this Andrew. You know how much I—”
“I know, I know,”he interrupted.“Best friends, right?”
“Always,”Kaylee answered, overwhelming gratitude towards Andrew evidencing itself with a smile. He grabbed her hand and squeezed before he stood, his joints popping as he stretched.
“Tell Emma,”he paused, his brow wrinkled as he thought.“Well, just tell her I had fun tonight and I hope she did too. I hope she’s all right.”
“She is,”Kaylee reassured. Because if there was ever one constant in her life, it was Emma. Emma was tough. Andrew nodded and offered a little wave and then he left her too.
The worn sofa was still warm from the three bodies that had curled up on it. Kaylee sank into the cushions gratefully. Her eyelids were heavy and sleep was pulling at her but she really wanted to give Emma some time alone. Privacy was a hard thing to come by in the small firehouse and Kaylee tried to be as respectful as possible of her sister’s needs.
There always seems to be someone walking in on you here.
The thought came to her unbidden but un-ignorable. Jack. It was he that had been watching them, watching her. Why hadn’t he joined them? Where was he before and where is he now? The need for sleep forgotten, she stood, her eyes cast in suspicion to the kitchen.
The room was darkened and in her haste Kaylee left the candle sputtering on the table by the sofa. But she could still see him, or rather, the silhouette of him. In the dense, blackened shadows that dominated the crowded kitchen he sat, his outline undeniably defined.
“You’ve been ignoring me.”It was the first thought to come to her mind and it sounded like an accusation as it blurted past her lips. His quiet chuckle rang through the air and she heard chair legs scrape against the old linoleum floor as he pushed back and stood up.
“Should I apologize?”he asked, sounding amused.
“Why?”Kaylee asked, ignoring his prosaic response. His footsteps echoed as he walked around the edge of the table.“I thought, I mean, the other night…”
“You thought?”
“Was I not—”Kaylee broke off, turning her gaze from him and huffing in frustration.“Didn’t you have fun?”
She nearly growled as she heard his low laugh. There was no furniture separating them now, the space between them filled only with a low pulse of energy that Kaylee found hard to deny. There was something about him, some energy or sense or feeling that sparked whenever he closed the distance. Even now, even in the darkness with only the low glow of the dulling candle, when she couldn’t see one single feature, couldn’t read his expression, or see that laughing glint of his eyes as his lips curled to grin, she was drawn to him.
“Why would you think I hadn’t?”he asked and she was taken aback because here he was, soft and serious, when all along she had been picturing him with an infuriating smirk.
“You’ve avoided me since,”she answered, embarrassed that her voice squeaked. But he was coming closer, walking slowly and carefully, and soon she could feel the heat from him.
Or was it her? Because her cheeks were flaming and her chest was seizing with warmth. Her breath was staggered, not so much that he would notice, but enough to make her stop talking so as to avoid betraying her feelings.
Wait, what feelings? For Jack?
Kaylee struggled to swallow, lifting her face to search through the darkness for his. He was obscured completely. But she could feel him. He was close, inches maybe. If she reached out, she would touch him. His breath washed over her and that delicious woodsy aroma with the tinge of pine trees that was so very Jack clouded her mind even further.
I don’t have any feelings for him. I can’t. He’s leaving.
He had made that much clear, the only thing clear. Everything else felt like a muddled mess.
“Don’t you know why?”he asked. Kaylee had to pull her mind from her own thoughts to remember what she had even accused him of.
“Kaylee,”he started, looming over her as he spoke,“Andrew’s a good guy. I don’t want to mess things up for you here.”
Kaylee staggered back as though slapped. Andrew. That’s why he’s avoiding her, to make things easier for Andrew. Because there could be nothing between them, Jack and she, and he didn’t want to get her hopes up.
But you knew that. You knew that all along.
Then why this crushing sense of loss, worse even than that: despair? Why did she feel as though everything important was just ripped from her, leaving a blank, hollow hole? She struggled to come to terms with this new, intense, and unpleasant feeling that stung her eyes and carved out a ravine in her chest.
Rejection.Was that the word for this horrible feeling? It didn’t seem harsh enough.
“Kaylee?”he stepped closer again but she moved back. She didn’t want to feel that heat and the confused, half-formed hopes that accompanied it, not when his tongue could squash them all so easily with a well-placed jab.“I have to leave. You know that. You said you understood.”
And she did, she really did. But to have him ignore her, push Andrew in her direction…
It was one thing to leave, to never show interest, or to show it and grieve over love lost. But this cold indifference, this attempt to shove her into Andrew’s arms as though it wouldn’t have mattered who she partnered with, who she loved. As though one man is the same as any other—
Wait. Love? Kaylee drew a hurried breath and turned her back on Jack. She gripped the worn fabric of the faded sofa, not even sure how she had backed up enough to get into the living room. I don’t love Jack. I don’t. I love Andrew, but…
Her thoughts twisted and taunted her, because the words that formed next, those words made absolutely no sense at all.
…not like I love Jack.
“But,”she stammered, trying to force her thoughts into cooperation, force her mouth to respond to what Jack was saying.“But maybe we’ll leave too, maybe—”
“You’re not.”
It was cold and very nearly indifferent. It was matter-of-fact and straight to the point and said without inflection or emotion. And worst of all, without even asking anything more, asking how he found out, she knew it was true.
“I just came from Anna’s room. It was decided. Quinton and me, we really tried. But your Dad wasn’t having it. Anna and Bill sided with him eventually and then that was it. You’re staying.”
So this was it, really, truly it. Kaylee had thought she believed it long ago, believed that Jack was leaving and she was staying and that years from now this friendly little encounter would be the things good fireside stories were made of. Don’t you remember that time when Quinton and Jake, oh no it was Jack, wasn’t it? Well anyway, they showed up and stole some corn and nearly brained Kaylee and taught Emma some cute tricks with a rifle. That was fun, wasn’t it? But the way her heart collided with her ribcage, they way her words caught in her chest, the burn of her eyes and in the sting in her throat convinced her that she must have been clinging on to some pathetic shred of something that sorely resembled hope. More than that, want. She wanted him
with her, needed him there.
But, she thought bitterly to herself, that’s why love is so wonderful, isn’t it?
“Kay?”
“I understand,”she spoke through numb lips. Her head was reeling and she struggled to maintain the thread of the conversation.“But I still don’t like it when you avoid me.”She was sure, in that moment, that there were better things, prettier and more poetic things that she could have said. But she couldn’t think straight and it seemed the easiest way to end the exchange.
“Okay,”Jack answered, his tone unsure and hesitant.“I won’t then.”
“Good.”And without another word, Kaylee turned, blew out the stuttering remains of the candle, and stumbled blindly to her room.
~
However long she was with Jack, however long that seemingly banal and yet life-changing conversation had taken; it was not long enough for Emma. When Kaylee flew through her bedroom door, forgetting to mark her approach, knock, anything to let Emma know she was coming, she found her sister twisted up in her sheets, her face wet.
“Sorry, sorry,”Kaylee muttered, turning from Emma, her hand on the doorknob. But she couldn’t seem to make it turn. The cold metal bit into her overheated skin, serving as a harsh reminder of just why she felt so out of sorts. She dropped her hand as though it were seared, leaning forward until her head connected with the wood of the door.
“’S okay,”Emma mumbled.“I’m asleep.”
Kaylee knew that was no where near true, probably wouldn’t be true for several hours, but she nodded against the door anyway, certain Emma could see her.
“Sorry,”she whispered again, knowing her sister wouldn’t answer. Kaylee sighed. There was no talking to Emma when she got like this. Kaylee always found it best to just give her space and, in time, Emma would be fine.
Not sure I will be though.
Kaylee wished she could kick her stupid heart for making her go ahead and fall for Jack. It was such a stupid, reckless thing to do.
It was always supposed to be Andrew.
Andrew was safe. He loved her. He took care of her. He would stay with her. Here, Alaska, it wouldn’t matter to Andrew. And it would have been so easy! He did love her already. He knew her, inside and out. He saw past her hesitations, her insecurities. He was willing to wait.
Damn it, Kaylee!
But again, really, it still didn’t matter. Now it was just a matter of knowing she loved Jack, knowing he stirred her in a way she knew Andrew would never be capable of, and of just living with it.
Remembering. Missing. And ultimately, ignoring.
She pushed off from the door, keeping her eyes to the floor and avoiding her sister. The way Emma was breathing, the little hitches and pauses, convinced Kaylee that tears were silently sliding down her cheeks. And suddenly, she was exhausted. The buzz of the Coke she had splurged with was waning and her limbs felt heavy and uncoordinated. She didn’t even bend to kick off her shoes, just toed them off and into the corner of the room.
“’Night Emma.”
Her bed was cold when she climbed into it, still fully clothed. She was asleep before she remembered the sheets warming.
Chapter Nine
Emma was not in the room when Kaylee awoke though the light filtering through the dusty window was sharp and bright. It was mid-day and the first time that Emma had woken and left the room before her sister.
Kaylee rolled to her side and groaned at she sat up. Her head was throbbing, a dull pulse of a headache behind her eyes that evidenced her poor nights sleep.
They’re leaving soon, you’ll forget. They’re leaving soon. He’s leaving soon.
But instead of bolstering her mood, her attempt at reassurance had exactly the opposite effect.
The halls were still, not even Quinton could be seen roaming around. But a scraping sound, metal on metal, echoed up from the first floor. Kaylee couldn’t place it and a shiver of unease spread through her, making even the tips of her fingers tingle. The odd, out-of-place noise reminded her of the infected in the apartments of the high rise, of bloodied fingernails scratching and scraping.
A muffled curse sounded from the kitchen and Kaylee’s stomach roiled in fear. Emma.
Her feet pounded down the stairs as she made for the kitchen, her sneakers skidding slightly as she came around the corner. It was quiet again, still and empty.
“Emma?”
“Out here,”came a muffled reply. Kaylee peered out the window and saw Emma perched on the fire escape platform, a wire grill brush in one hand and the fingertips of her other stuffed in her mouth.“I cut my finger,”she mumbled.
“What are you—”
“Everyone okay?”Jack was tightening his belt as he ran into the kitchen.“I heard running.”
“That was me, sorry,”Kaylee said, gesturing to Emma.“She was cursing, I didn’t know—”
“Geez, you’d think I do no work around here,”Emma said, rolling her eyes.“The platform’s dirty. I was up. I cut my finger and swore a bit. You get too worked up, Kaylee.”
“Brat! I was worried about you.”She didn’t need to add‘especially after last night’for Emma to understand.
“Like I said, you get too worked up.”
“Just be careful out there.”Emma rolled her eyes again in response.
“Well, as long as I’m here,”Jack said, grinning as he moved to the pantry.“Girls, breakfast?”
“Why not?”Kaylee smiled, internally beating down the butterflies that beat against her stomach.
Jack seemed to be doing as he promised. At least for now, he had stopped avoiding her. She preferred it that way for as long as she had left. She realized she didn’t even know how long that was. Last night she had forgotten to ask.
“Well, since oatmeal’s obviously out until Emma’s done—”
“Which won’t be for a while because she takes forever to clean anything up.”
“Hey!”
“—how does pineapples sound?”
And then there was a sound that wrenched the morning air apart, tore through the silly conversation and unhurried arguments until the whole world stopped with earth-shattering precision.
A bolt snapped.
With the sound of wrenching iron, the fire escape swayed into collapse. Emma had no more time than to muster a confused expression before she was gone, her brunette hair whipping up around her face and the distance she fell muffling her scream.
“Emma!”Kaylee screeched, flying to the window and nearly falling through in her hasty and misguided attempt to catch her sister. By the time she stuck her head through the opening, all she could see of Emma was a cloud of dust. A years’worth of soot and ashes had broken her fall and the stirring body below was covered head to toe in the black, grimy remains.
Kaylee wrenched herself from the sight of her sister and from the sight of the infected turning, grunting, and staggering over to the promise of fresh meat. She ran for the living room, knocking a stunned-looking Jack out of her way. As she tore through the door she could hear him call her name, though whether it was supposed to be a warning, a comfort, or a grunt of frustration she was unsure. Kaylee flew at the fire pole and her body swung as she grabbed hold.
She fell so fast, she might as well have not used the pole at all and her knees jarred as her feet connected with the hard garage floor. But her head ignored the warning her knees sent her brain, the warning to slow and pace herself. And she didn’t notice how her breath seared her lungs as she dragged it through, nor how her vision was clouded with tears. She could hear the scrambling against the side of the building, hear bodies crashing together, hear screeches that were becoming more piercing by the second, and she ran for the window that was bolted shut.
Kaylee let out a noise that was a mix between growl and a pathetic, whimpering cry as the bolt slid uselessly beneath her sweaty fingers. But then Jack was there, shoving her to the side and sliding the bolt with a ringing clang before wrenching the metal window covering away and hauling him
self through the opening. Kaylee paused long enough to watch him disappear, to take once last searing breath before she flung herself after him.
The daylight seemed brighter from the street than it was from the rooftop, which was wrong because with the tall buildings and trees and the shadows they lent, it should have seemed dimmer. But it didn’t, it was brilliant, white and blinding, and Kaylee blinked before her head swiveled toward the stirring pile of ash. A quick look past caused her heart to clench.
A swarm of infected was rushing towards them, the smell or feel or heat, whatever was the indication of a fresh meal, pulling them closer by the second. Kaylee felt her throat close and her muscles freeze but then a very different moan rang in her ears. Emma was crying out. Kaylee saw her lift her head, tear tracks streaking through the grunge on her face, her eyes wide with fear.
