“About six months ago.”
“How did you find out?”
“She told me.”
She frowned and glanced at him. “She didn’t tell you that she was pregnant, but she told you she’d miscarried?”
Aiden hesitated then replied, “She told me to spite me, Lily. She’s very… temperamental.”
Lily nodded in consternation. The memory of Gina’s spitefulness on the final day of school came to mind: that day when she had had to part from her best friend and Aiden all at once. It still smarted, even now.
As they entered Victoria Park, Lily led Aiden to one of the park benches and they sat beside each other.
“She loved me,” Aiden went on unexpectedly. “She thinks she still does, but…” he tailed off and frowned in deep consternation then added, “I don’t understand why she would…”
Lily turned to him and placed her hand on his knee. “You are very lovable,” she whispered.
A smile crept into the corners of his mouth, but it was short-lived. He announced, “I was horrible to her.”
“Why?” Lily whispered, this spell of honesty surprising her.
He shrugged. “Because I could. I never loved her…” he tailed off once more and hesitated, as if he wanted to say more, but he didn’t. He turned to focus on the immaculately mowed lawns of the park. It seemed a million miles from the bleakness of the estates where he’d been groomed. A man and woman passed them in the distance. They were holding hands. The man was pushing a buggy with his spare hand and the woman clasped hold of a small child. The image spread a blanket of warmth over him and he took Lily’s hand and squeezed it gently.
“It feels good to talk to you,” he muttered as he continued to scan the picturesque scene before him; a scene that flaunted so much harmony and held so much hope.
He wanted to share things with Lily – things that he’d never wanted to share with anyone else in his life. Yet his sins were too heinous for someone like her to understand. He wished he could tell her some of the things he’d done and why he had done them; he wished she would understand why he had become the man he had. But she wouldn’t, and he couldn’t expect her to, because she was an innocent, a girl from the right side of the tracks.
From the moment he had been born, he had known what it was to struggle. The cruelty and neglect that he had received throughout his life at the hands of the two people he should have been able to trust more than anyone, was harrowing. He had lived with the weight of his parents’ neglect all his life, desperately trying to shield his sister from it all whilst at the same time failing to cope with his own anguish.
He hated being so angry all the time. He resented the fact that he couldn’t free himself from the storm that continuously stirred in his mind, but having known very little peace growing up had conditioned him to become the mass of fury he was today. Everything now was a threat. Everything now signalled confrontation, and everyone was to be approached with suspicion.
He had been conditioned to hate his parents, conditioned to take control over every situation, conditioned to scoff at all authority, and he’d had to carve his own path the only way he understood. Because all that he had done, all that he was still doing, was what he had learned from all of his guardians: his parents, Grant, even Reggie to some extent… Human conditioning – that was what the psychologists called it. He was a product of his upbringing, a product of his environment.
He glanced back at Lily. She was a beaming ray of light, filled with an inner glow, an inner goodness and he could feel the pull of her. He wanted her to draw him out of the dark he had lived all his life and take him into the light – her light. “Do you love me?” he asked, his expression strained with the significance of her answer.
He turned and gazed into her light blue eyes and took the side of her face in his hand. Just by her expression, the affirmation of her final and absolute commitment to him, he finally realised that she did love him and he loved her, the way he understood love to be. But his love would never, could never, be unconditional. Because unconditional love left a person totally reliant on another’s ability to secure their happiness and he would never allow himself that luxury again. He had only ever been disappointed in the past. He couldn’t trust that kind of love, and though deep down he accepted that Lily deserved so much more, he couldn’t let her go. He couldn’t allow her to be with anyone else. He wanted her; he needed her. What she didn’t know couldn’t hurt her.
“Marry me,” he whispered.
Chapter thirty-four
May 1990
Aiden stood in Kamal’s living room staring down at a black box the size of a briefcase with a phone receiver attached to it and the logo ‘Vodafone’ printed at the very top of the receiver. “It’s a phone,” he stated with bemusement.
“It’s not just any phone. It’s a transportable mobile phone. It can be used as a mobile unit in a car or as a portable phone,” Kamal answered, in awe of his new toy.
Aiden’s eyes met his. “Yeah. I’ve heard of these… does it work?”
“Yes, of course.” Kamal turned and retrieved an exact replica of the phone unit from the floor by the side of the sofa, and lowered it down next to the other. “This one is yours. It’ll improve our communication. I suggest you leave it in your car.” Aiden’s eyebrows rose as he peered down at the large object. “They cost just under two thousand pounds, but the battery lasts about twenty minutes or so. You’ll be able to contact me from anywhere.”
“It’s hefty…” Aiden remarked.
“Yes, they are a little heavy, but it’s the future, Aiden. Soon, everyone will have one. Kyle and Kris have one. It’s been useful being able to contact them whenever I like. It’s really sped up the communication process.”
Aiden nodded, clearly impressed. He lifted the receiver. “Dial this number,” Kamal instructed with enthusiasm. He handed Aiden a piece of paper with a number scribbled upon it. Aiden took it and stared down at the phone receiver. Pressing the correct keys, he dialled and held the phone to his ear.
“Nothing’s happening,” he announced immediately, with his usual impatience.
“Wait for a second.”
Suddenly there was a ringing in the earpiece, and a couple of seconds later the box next to his began to sound. Kamal lifted the receiver of his own mobile unit and spoke into it. Aiden’s eyes widened. He was clearly impressed. He held out his own receiver, searched the key pad and pressed the red button – which, logic assured him, would end the call. It did and he set the receiver down. “And this will pick up anywhere?”
“Pretty much… not underground or anything, and I’ve been warned that there may be certain areas that can cause problems with the signal, but we’ll pretty much be mobile and able to communicate the majority of the time.”
Aiden presented his ‘impressed’ expression once more. “I might get my wife one of these. She can put it in her car. It would make me feel a lot less anxious when she goes out alone,” Aiden muttered, almost to himself.
Kamal nodded impassively, then his mobile unit began to ring. Aiden smiled with excitement. “Pick it up!”
Kamal lifted the receiver. “Yes?” he said, his tone clipped and filled with authority all of a sudden. Aiden idly wondered who else Kamal had given his number to. It was soon revealed that it was Kris on the other end of the line, and seeing Kamal frown, he watched him intently, wondering what Kris was reporting. “I’m still at the apartment with Aiden, but we’re finished here now.” Kamal silently listened for a few more seconds before he cut off the call. Replacing the receiver, he turned to Aiden. “Keep my number safe. Your number is overleaf.” Aiden turned the paper over to see another number. “Learn them quickly then dispose of that,” Kamal added, nodding down to the piece of paper. “We do not want anyone getting hold of it.”
Aiden nodded. He hesitated then asked, “Everything alright with Kris?”
“Yes,” Kamal replied and walked away towards the hallway. Aiden could see him from the li
ving room. He was putting on his coat. “He was just updating me about some deal we’re making with some investors in India,” Kamal added, shrugging on his black trench coat.
“Investors in what?” Aiden enquired with natural intrigue.
Kamal smirked. “Never you mind, Mr Foster.” Aiden scowled. Kamal didn’t ask him to leave, but Aiden knew a cue when one was so obviously given, and, picking up his new portable phone, he followed Kamal to the front door of the apartment. Kamal opened it and allowed Aiden to exit first. “Oh, how are the girls doing at the flats?” he asked as he locked the door and he and Aiden headed towards the lift.
Three months had passed since Aiden’s proposal to restore the block of one-bed flats on the Kingsland estate in order to house the girls he currently had and to employ more. The flats had been bought and paid for and were currently under construction.
When it came to housing his girls, Aiden had to arrange for someone to act as a Landlord, legitimately renting out each property – which, of course, he had already arranged. All costs for restoration had been considered during negotiations regarding the price Kamal had been willing to pay for the property and, in the end, with some Aiden Foster-style persuasion, the council executive had agreed to all his demands. Part of the property had already been completed and signed off, so now he was housing twenty of his girls, including Gina Watson.
Just last week, Aiden had moved Gina out of Carlton House and into one of the restored Kingsland flats. She had gone willingly at the promise that a powdered treat would be waiting for her, and she was now settled and ready to work. Her first punter was to arrive at 6:30pm that evening, and she would see four different men each night – except on Sundays, when Aiden permitted her a day off. All the girls would work six days a week, but their days off would vary so that their services were offered every day of the week. At an average of £200 a session, four times a day, six days a week, currently with twenty girls, he was about to earn a fortune and, when all the flats were complete, he’d have another thirty heroin-enslaved girls ready for business.
“It’s a goldmine,” Aiden replied, still brooding over Kamal’s furtiveness about the investment deal. It was true that he had still not been given an in to Kamal’s firm, and moments like these reminded him that he was still just a pawn in his very well-networked organisation.
Kamal’s enquiry about the flats had reminded Aiden that he needed to speak to Jessie Lesley, a short red-head with large bouncy breasts who lived and worked in one of the flats on the Kingsland estate. She had witnessed an attack on one of his girls at the weekend, and Aiden needed to get to the bottom of it so that he could find the arsehole who had done it and chop his balls off.
When he arrived at the flats, Gina was draped over the balustrade on the third floor, having a cigarette and staring sorrowfully out over the bleak grey stone of the scene below. She glanced up through her long, black lashes and her whole body constricted when she realised that it was Aiden walking towards her. She hadn’t seen him for months. She stepped back to block his path and her eyes narrowed. “When were you going to tell me?”
Aiden rolled his eyes and asked carelessly, “Tell you what?”
“That you got married… to her!” she bellowed suddenly, taking him by complete surprise.
He took her elbow and pulled her into the open door of her flat. Slamming the door shut, he pushed her away from him. “What you shouting your mouth off for?”
Gina suddenly began to cry. Aiden stared at her, his eyebrows furrowing in confusion. She turned and walked briskly into the living room. He followed and stood against the door frame, watching her warily as she slumped onto the sofa and began rummaging through the rubbish sprawled all over the coffee table, searching for the little silver tin that contained the ingredients and equipment required to obtain her regular high. Her eyes were streaming with salty, unmanageable tears. She located it and, with shaking hands, she stubbed out her cigarette and began preparing a hit.
As she strapped a belt around her arm, just above her elbow, she sobbed, “What about me?” She pulled the belt tight, too tight, and she winced. Concentrating on the blue vein that began to appear in the inside of her elbow, she expertly injected herself. “I thought you and me…” she tailed off as Aiden stepped into the room and halted in front of her. She peered up at him.
“You thought me and you what?” he asked almost in a whisper, watching her unnervingly, and surprised by seeing her so expert with the syringe.
She sniffed, and, undoing the belt, she threw the syringe on the table and relaxed back on the couch, gazing up at him. She wiped her nose with the cuff of her sweatshirt. “I thought you cared about me,” she snivelled.
Aiden closed his eyes for a moment and sighed. “G, I’ve told you,” he said, exasperated.
“I love you, Aiden. I think about you day and night. You’re all I care about. You’re the only person in the world who has taken care of me. I need you…”
Aiden ran a hand over his face and, forgetting himself, he instinctively replied, “You have me…”
Gina’s eyes widened a touch, his words melting her heart, yet she felt the dark, empty void spiralling in the pit of her stomach still, because she knew she didn’t have Aiden the way Lily had Aiden. Lily had his trust, his loyalty… his heart. What did she really have of him… his pity? She closed her eyes tight and shook her head slowly. “No, no I don’t…”
Aiden groaned. “What do you want from me, G? It’s over between us. It’s been over for months and months…”
She clambered to her feet and took his face in both of her hands. “Please, Aiden, please. I need you!”
“I’m married to Lily…” he replied, his voice strained.
Gina was beside herself. Her buzz was beginning to take effect, but she didn’t want it yet. She had a pressing matter to address. She needed Aiden to hear what she had to say before she succumbed to the blissfully numbing coma that the heroin would induce. Her eyes were heavy, but she gazed at him, beseeching him to understand how much he meant to her, how much she wanted him to be hers.
“Kiss me, Aiden, please!”
“G, stop this!” Aiden growled hopelessly, his patience waning.
“Please, Aiden, kiss me and tell me you want me too…”
“Stop!” he pushed her away. “Just stop, G!”
She sobbed into her chest and felt her world shatter around her and, not for the first time, she wondered what else she had in her pitiful life other than Aiden that was worth fighting for. She couldn’t bear to contemplate the answer any more than she had already.
She lifted her eyes to see that he was troubled. His eyebrows were furrowed as if in silent agony, and his expression provoked a twitching smile of resignation on her lips. He cared. But it wasn’t enough. He didn’t love her. He didn’t want her. The pain of rejection plunged her into the depths of despair. She had nothing; she had no one. Even the prospect of having her child-molesting father back was a comforting thought in that moment of complete clarity. She craved Aiden’s love, always had, and he wouldn’t give it to her. She was alone, utterly alone and utterly unloved.
“OK,” she whispered, taking a deep breath.
Aiden’s eyes widened a fraction in surprise at her acquiescence, but before he could say anything, she turned and headed up the stairs to the first floor. “Where are you going?”
“I won’t be a second…”
He decided to give her a moment. Whatever it was she was doing, he was glad that the penny had finally dropped. Maybe now she would leave him alone and they could continue their strictly-business relationship without all the drama and commotion of the past. He was relieved. He cared for Gina in his own way, but he wouldn’t and couldn’t ever love her the way he knew she loved him. He had never seen her as somebody he could make a life with. She was too volatile, too… broken, like him. He didn’t need to invite more darkness into his world. He craved light, and Lily was that little ray of sunshine that, for a time, eased the
pain of his past and soothed the debacle of his present.
He sympathised with Gina. If she needed him as much as he needed Lily, then he understood what she must be feeling. But he could no longer carry the burden of her troubles on his shoulders. It was about time she sorted herself out. Even as he thought this, a nagging voice way in the back of his mind reminded him that he had been the one to put her on the game, the one who had got her hooked on the drug that now was, aside from him, Gina’s whole world. A louder voice, however, argued that Gina probably would have turned out the same, maybe worse, if he hadn’t taken her under his wing and provided for her. She was incapable of looking after herself. She was too emotionally frail, too scatter-brained and too reckless.
Gina had been a few minutes. Taking a place on the couch, Aiden reached into his pocket and pulled out a small plastic bag of white powder. He cleared a space on the cluttered coffee table and proceeded to rack up three lines, which he snorted in succession.
“G!” he called up to her when she still hadn’t returned. She didn’t answer. Sighing with impatience, he got to his feet and ascended the stairs. He could hear a low hum of music, and when he entered the bedroom several frantic thoughts ran through his mind simultaneously -
He recognised the song, a song Gina had insisted on playing over and over when they used to lay together as teenagers: Madonna’s La Isla Bonita. Her still body lay unresponsive on the bed, one arm draped across the bed, the other clutching what looked like a photograph in her hand, holding it against her chest. A pair of small scissors rested inches away from her sliced wrist, which was seeping blood into the purple cotton bedding.
“Fuck, G!” Aiden cried out, running over to her body and shaking her violently.
She responded with a quiet groan. He searched her wrists to assess the damage. Fortunately, if she had been trying to take her life, she hadn’t done a good job of it. The blood made her wound look worse than it was, but she would need medical attention.
Human Conditioning Page 26
