by Claire Adams
But I couldn't get that little girl's face out of my mind. The way that she had looked solemnly up at Janice, the enthusiastic nod when Janice suggested peanut butter crackers for a snack. She was cute. And she looked like Katherine.
Between that and the tears, it made me want to agree to whatever Lexi was here to propose.
It was a strange feeling to have. After all, it wasn't as though I'd never had a woman come crying to me before. But they'd never been in this situation.
Still, the whole thing seemed strange. Why hadn't she told me when she first found out that she was pregnant? Why tell me now? If I believed what she'd said, she'd been fired by Albright nearly three and a half years prior to that. None of this made sense.
And somewhere deep down, I was still reeling at the thought of having to deal with the responsibilities that came along with having a kid.
I shook my head. “As I said before, I don't like it when people try to take advantage of me,” I told her. “You've clearly figured out a way to survive for the past three years, so I suggest you keep doing that. Rather than taking the lazy way out and coming to me, expecting me to solve all your problems.”
Lexi gaped at me for a moment, a fresh wave of waterworks threatening in her eyes. She turned her gaze away, staring down at her hands as she twisted her fingers together. “Why are you so sure that this is just a scheme?” she asked. “If this was a scheme, don't you think I would have come here a long time ago? I'm only here now because I'm desperate.”
“You hardly seem desperate,” I said, snorting derisively.
“I haven't really figured out some way to survive,” she admitted, sounding miserable. “We've been living off my savings. Even when I've managed to hold down a job, it's barely been enough for everything that Emma needs. I have nothing left at this point. Thirty-six dollars in the bank. That's it. I was evicted a couple weeks ago. I've been living on at a friend's place, and she's been helping me out with food. But that's obviously not a long-term solution.”
“So instead, you want me to help you out with food and accommodation?” I asked snidely, even though I was feeling even more guilty by the second. I wanted nothing more than to pull her into my arms and promise to make everything better.
I wasn't sure where that feeling came from, but I was determined to push it away.
“You think I want to be here?” she snapped. “You think I want to beg you to help me out with Emma? If I had my way, I would be able to provide the best sort of life for her, all by myself. If you knew her, you'd want the same. She's such a great kid, and she deserves so much better. She deserves so much better than to have an asshole like you for her father, and she deserves so much better than to have a failure of a mother like me. I'd consider putting her up for adoption, but I honestly can't imagine my life without her. She's such a good kid.”
She took a deep breath. “If this were some sort of scheme, don't you think I would have come immediately when I found out I was pregnant? That was only a couple months after we slept together. Like I said, I'm surprised you even remember me at this point. But I didn't want you anywhere near that child. I didn't want Emma to realize what she was missing out on. I didn't want her to know that her daddy was rich and could give her everything that she ever dreamed of, but unfortunately for her, he was also a selfish bastard who refused to share that wealth with anyone.”
Her words hurt more than I would have expected them to, given that I hardly even knew the woman. But there was something about them that reminded me of how my own parents had been. Mom was always so aloof. She'd hated hugs, and she'd pawned off most of her motherly duties on a string of nannies, who never seemed to last very long given that Mom was constantly criticizing them for the smallest of things.
And then there was Dad, whose only concern for me was whether or not I'd be ready to take over his business when he was ready to hand it over to me. He'd probably known from the time I was small that he would be dumping Orinoco on me the moment I had graduated from college.
Lexi was probably right, and it was better that I had nothing to do with Emma, even if the girl was my daughter.
“I just don't know where to turn to at this point,” Lexi confessed, still unable to meet my eyes. “My mother's an artist. She was barely able to scrape together enough to raise me above the poverty level, and she's been earning less lately. She's living in this artist's retreat at the moment, so I hardly ever even see her, and it's not like Emma and I could go stay with her. It's hard to even get in contact with her. The place doesn't have Wi-Fi, and there's only one phone line for all of them to split.”
She shook her head. “Misty's been great, but I know I can't stay there much longer. She can't really afford the place on her own, and it's not like I can contribute anything to rent. I can't even contribute toward groceries. Other than that, I guess it'll just be government aid, but I could be waiting a while before they get back to me, and even then, we all know that government aid doesn't really provide much of a life for kids.”
“There are plenty of programs now that would help you,” I scoffed. “You might have to live in a low-income area, but you'd have a roof over your heads and food on the table.”
“But do you really want your daughter growing up in a low-income part of the city?” she asked, finally looking up at me again, a look of horror in her eyes. “I want her to be safe. I want her to make good friends, have healthy relationships. She's smart. I want her to go to a good school. I want her to have hobbies, to be able to join clubs or sports teams or whatever she wants to do. I don't want her to get the bare minimum that she needs to survive.”
“Well, then you're going to have to work on finding a job,” I snapped.
“I know that,” Lexi said, and this time, I could hear the desperation in her voice. “I'm trying to find a job. I applied to fifteen jobs yesterday. Some of them, I don't even know how I would get to them if they did hire me because I don't have a car anymore and the public transit system won't get me everywhere. But I'll figure that out if I get hired. I'm just desperate to find something at the moment. But first, I need a place to live. A place that Emma can call home, even if it's just for a little while.”
“I have space,” I found myself saying, before my brain caught up with my mouth.
“I didn't come here looking for a place to stay,” she said, sounding uncertain.
“No, you came here for money,” I agreed. “But if I'm making an investment, I like to see what that investment is getting me. You're an insurance analyst. You should understand that. I want to make sure that I know how that investment is doing and make sure that it's meeting the terms stated in the original plan.”
Lexi just stared at me, her eyes wide. “'The terms stated in the original plan'?” she echoed.
“Well, if I'm going to give you money, I should have some say in how that money is being spent,” I said matter-of-factly. “And as I said, you're going to need to get a job. Apparently, despite your claims that you've been applying to a number of different positions, you've been unable to get yourself hired, so I'll need to monitor you and make sure that you really are applying to as many jobs as you say you are. You know, if you don't have a job, you should be job-hunting every day.”
“You're unbelievable,” Lexi said, shaking her head.
I shrugged broadly. “It's up to you,” I told her. “You should have known that you weren't going to just get help for free. If you want my help, you're going to live here, and I'm going to interact with Emma just as much as you do. And we're going to sign a contract outlining the rules of this arrangement.”
I could see the uncertainty in her eyes, and I only hoped it wasn't mirrored with similar uncertainty in my own expression. I wasn't entirely sure where the words were coming from. I would be interacting with Emma just as much as she did? Did I want to have a relationship with my daughter? The more of a relationship she and I had, the more responsibility I was going to have toward her. It would be much easier to just pay Lexi
a check every month and keep them out of my sight.
But for some reason, I didn't want that. I couldn't quite put my finger on it, whether it was those strange feelings that I'd had for Lexi ever since our night together or something tied up with my feelings for my parents. Or that niggling guilt that I had been feeling throughout this conversation. Perhaps it was a combination of all of those things. Whatever it was, I was asking Lexi and Emma to stay.
“I don't want Emma to know that you're her dad,” Lexi said slowly. “Not just yet. Please.”
“Fine,” I agreed. That was probably best for both of us. “Tell her that we're old friends. Tell her whatever you want to tell her. I have my own stipulations, too.”
“Such as?”
“We're not in a relationship,” I told her frostily. “We aren't in a relationship, and we're not going to be in a relationship. I have a girlfriend.”
“Are we going to tell your girlfriend that you and I are just old friends?” Lexi asked snidely.
“Don't be ridiculous,” I said. “I'm not in the habit of lying to Renée.”
“There's a shocker,” Lexi muttered. I glowered at her, and she ducked her head again. “Sorry.”
“I expect you to be civil, if we're going to be living together, regardless of what your personal opinions are of me.” I paused. “I don't shy away from my personal responsibilities, you know. Whatever else you might think about me, whatever else you might have heard about me and Orinoco and the way that I do business, that's one thing that you can always count on.”
“Good,” Lexi said. She bit her lower lip and then stood up slowly. “I guess Emma and I should go back to Misty's and tell her what's going on. Pack up our things.”
“Don't be ridiculous,” I said, knowing she must be exhausted from the outpouring of feelings that she'd displayed during the conversation. “Give Misty a call, maybe. But you can save packing up your things for another time. Let me show you around the house.”
Chapter Eleven
Lexi
The shower in the en suite room that Andrew was putting us up in was huge and luxurious. Between the size of the place, the pleasant warmth of the water, and the relaxing scents of his sister's hair products, which I was using to wash away all my worries, I never wanted to turn the water off and get out. But eventually, I did just that, drying myself off with a fluffy towel, careful not to drip all over the floor even though it was just Emma and me using that bathroom.
I got dressed in some clothes that Janice had given me. They belonged to Andrew's sister, who apparently had her own room there at his house, even though she only stayed there infrequently. They were clean and comfortable, and they fit perfectly.
I still couldn't believe his house was large enough that he had multiple spare bedrooms, plus a dedicated room for his sister who was only sometimes there. Then again, I thought, snorting, Andrew himself confessed to not spending very much time here outside of sleeping.
I toweled my hair dry and walked out into the bedroom, smiling at the sight of Emma napping in the middle of the large bed. Heck, that bed was about the size of the living room in my old apartment. We'd need to get her crib put up in there soon, but she could sleep with me for the night.
When Andrew had first suggested that we save the moving for another day, I'd wanted to argue with him, but now, with exhaustion weighing on my bones, I was glad he'd suggested it. The past few months, or the past few years rather, had been difficult, and now that Emma and I were going to have a relatively stable place at least for a little while, all that stress was catching up to me. I was worn out.
There was a gentle knock on the door, and I blinked, wondering who it could be. I doubted it was Andrew. He'd made it clear that he had work that he wanted to get done for the rest of the day and that he didn't want us to disturb him. The prick had even mentioned writing something in the contract about his office being off-limits to all distractions, as though Emma and I were just there to get in the way.
Maybe it was the girlfriend that he'd mentioned? But I couldn't imagine Andrew telling her about us already, unless she was living there as well. I didn't think she was, though, based on what I knew about Andrew. And based on the fact that Misty hadn't mentioned anything in the tabloids about him having a live-in girlfriend. She would have known about it if that were the case. I was sure of it.
When I answered the door, it was Janice who was standing there, and I couldn't help but smile at her. The woman had been absolutely wonderful all afternoon. When Andrew and I had walked back into the kitchen, she and Emma had been baking chocolate chip cookies. Emma had been more of a hindrance than a help, but Janice was quick to heap praise on her anyway, and Emma had had the biggest grin on her face.
It was seeing that grin that made me realize how long it had been since I'd really been able to make Emma smile like that, and I felt another stab of guilt.
Janice had also made a great, kid-friendly grilled cheese dinner for Emma that evening, putting some green beans on the side and making sure that Emma ate them. I couldn't thank her enough.
Now, she came bearing a steaming mug of tea, and I practically cried at the sight of it. “Thank you,” I said, immediately wrapping both my hands around the mug.
Janice frowned. “It's a bit chilly in here, isn't it?” she said, marching over to the thermostat. She grinned over her shoulder at me while she adjusted it warmer. “I thought it was silly when I first found out that each room in this house has separate heating, just like in a hotel. But then I realized how few of the rooms Andrew actually uses on a regular basis, and I realized it makes sense for him to be able to only heat the rooms that he's using, rather than heating the whole house at once.”
“That is smart,” I said faintly, moving to sit on the sofa in the “living room” area of the suite.
Janice came and nodded to the seat across from me. “May I?” she asked. “I wanted to ask you about Emma.”
“Of course,” I said. “What do you want to know?”
“Well, since I'm sure I'll be helping you out with her quite a bit, I just wanted to check in with you about some things. I know you said she doesn't have any food allergies, but does she have any other sort of allergies? Laundry detergent or wool or animals or anything like that?”
“Nothing,” I told her, shaking my head.
“Good,” Janice said. “I was also thinking that I could pick up some coloring books for her, and other things to keep her occupied while you're looking for work and her father is away at work. What does she like?”
I blushed. “Uh, I don't know. Animals, I guess. Usually, she just colors things that she imagines. I don't think she's ever had a coloring book before.”
To be honest, I wouldn't have been able to afford something that frivolous. Usually, she just colored on the backs of used printer sheets that I got from the recycling boxes at the local schools.
“Animals,” Janice mused. “Probably flowers as well. Maybe some pictures of people while we're at it.” She smiled at me, taking the sting out of the fact that I had never been able to afford these things before. “How are you holding up, Mama?”
I sighed and shrugged. “This isn't quite what I imagined for my life,” I said bitterly.
“Having a kid?” Janice asked.
“No, no, Emma's great,” I said quickly. “Just the rest of it.” I grimaced. “To be honest, I feel humiliated. I had to come crawling back to the man who used me and then tossed me aside like I was nothing.”
“You know he didn't mean it that way,” Janice said with a sigh. “He's just overwhelmed. In the course of an afternoon, you've managed to rock his entire world. Can you blame him for being defensive?”
“I had to beg him to help me out with taking care of my daughter. I had to sit there and listen to him tell me about how other women were able to do this, listen to him tell me that I must be lazy, or that I must not be trying hard enough.”
Janice was quiet. “Andrew's had trouble with women in the past
,” she finally said. “He's starting to get better, but he's still not fully there.”
“I hear he's got a girlfriend,” I said.
Janice made a face. “He has a girlfriend,” she agreed.
“You don't like her?”
“Renée can be difficult,” Janice said simply, shrugging her shoulders. “But it is a step forward for him. A small step, maybe, but a step nonetheless.”
I sighed and shook my head. “I'm twenty-six years old. I would have thought that by now, I'd have a successful career and a decent place to live, and maybe I'd have a serious boyfriend. I didn't expect to have a kid, and as much as I love Emma and I'll never regret her coming into my life, it's just strange to be staying here with someone who I don't actually like, relying on him to take care of me and my daughter. But I don't have any other options.”
“Andrew can be difficult,” Janice said. “But he really is a good guy. He's not going to let you and Emma go without.” She was quiet for a moment. “I have one last question that I wanted to ask you regarding Emma. Does she know who Andrew is?”
I shook my head. “At the moment, given that we don't know what's going to happen in the future, I think it's best that she doesn't know. She's still so young, and I don't want her getting attached. For all I know, Andrew could change his mind in a week and ask us to leave.”
“He wouldn't do that,” Janice said.
I was quiet. “We can't stay here forever,” I said slowly. “Even if Andrew doesn't kick us out, eventually, I'm going to get a job and get back on my feet, and I'll have to find us someplace to live, someplace for just the two of us. I'm not sure what happens to Andrew at that point. I'm not sure what he's going to want to have happen at that point. If he's going to want to continue to be involved in Emma's life, or if he's going to pretend that none of this ever happened and that Emma doesn't exist.”
Janice sighed. “That does make sense,” she said.
“It's bad enough that I've had to bounce her from house to house,” I continued. “I don't even know how to explain that one to her, that we're not going to be living with Aunt Misty anymore because we're going to come live here. She's going to be so upset, even if I take her to see Misty once or twice a week. Not that I don't think she's going to enjoy it here. I know she had a good afternoon with you, and thanks again for that. But she's a child, and children should have a routine, shouldn't they?”
