by Claire Adams
Maria walked around me and shut the door I had just burst through.
“What did you do?” she asked, the concern was less for my physical health, but what I may have done to someone else.
I took a deep breath. “I kissed him.”
She blinked, waiting for me to clarify. I couldn’t. I couldn’t actually say the words.
“Who did you kiss?”
I groaned. “Him.”
Maria put a hand on her hip. “Tessa, there are a lot of ‘hims’ on this campus. I’m going to need you to be more specific. Please tell me it was at least legal. I’ve seen some of those high school boys roaming around here hoping to score a college girl.”
I rolled my eyes. “He is definitely legal. Very legal.” I exhaled a long breath, “Ian.”
She looked at me with confusion. “Ian? Who’s Ian?”
Her eyes widened when she realized who I was talking about. I nodded my head vigorously. “Yes, Ian!” I screeched again, in a very high-pitched voice that was uncharacteristic for me.
“You kissed Professor Hotstuff?”
I groaned. “Yes. In his office. With the door open.”
She was squealing and clapping her hands like it was a good thing. I was having a mild panic attack, and she was happy.
“Yeah! It’s about time. You have been lusting after him since school started. It was bound to happen,” she pointed out.
I shook my head no, denying her ridiculous assumptions. “No. No, I haven’t. I mean, I said he was attractive. That does not mean I threw myself at him.”
Maria laughed. “Tessa, I don’t think you know how to throw yourself at a man. I’m sure it was a mutual attraction, and the kiss happened because it was meant to.”
“How can you say that?” I asked in horror. “He’s a professor. I’m a student. I’m his assistant.”
Maria waved her hand as if she could wipe away my objections. “Who cares. Students and professors bang all the time. Trust me; you are the not the first girl to kiss a hot professor.”
I looked at her with horror. “I don’t kiss professors, and there has certainly never been any banging,” I said with aghast.
She shrugged. “Okay, so you kissed him. So, how was it?”
I looked at her. “What? That’s what you want to know? You aren’t going to tell me how stupid it was and how lucky I was we didn’t get caught?”
“Hell no. I want to know if he is as good of a kisser as he looks. I mean come on, those lips. Those are movie star lips. All pink and full and completely kissable. And don’t pretend you didn’t notice. I mean, once you can tear yourself away from those eyes of his. Seriously, girl. He’s the total package,” she said, with a smile that made me a little jealous.
“He is a good kisser,” I said in a quiet voice. “Maybe too good. I almost didn’t stop it.”
She groaned. “You stopped it? Why would you do that? I would have been up on his desk, legs wide and begging.”
“Maria!” I said in mock horror. “You are a dirty girl. My God. Have you no shame?” I scolded her.
She laughed it off. “Not really. I’m a young, healthy woman who really appreciates the opposite sex. I’ll settle down one day, but in the meantime, there is no reason for me to live like a nun.”
Her wild ways were the complete opposite of my reserved nature. It’s probably why we got along so well. She was always dragging me to bars and frat parties. Maria could find a guy to take home within minutes of being in a room. I couldn’t. I wasn’t built for one-night-stands and mindless, drunken sex. I hated not having full control of a situation.
“I don’t know. I feel terrible, I think he was a little weirded out by it as well,” I told her, plopping down in the small chair in the corner.
She walked to her seat behind the desk and stared at me. “Tessa, it was only a kiss. It doesn’t even sound like it was a kiss that was going anywhere. I don’t see the big deal.”
I sighed. Maybe I was making too big a deal over the whole thing. I wasn’t a virgin by any means, but I had certainly never had a fling with a teacher.
“Maybe when I see him tomorrow, he’ll act like it never happened. I would be okay with that. It can never happen again,” I said, only a little sad with the realization.
“Oh, sweetie. If it’s meant to be, it is definitely going to happen. I suggest you lighten up on yourself. Loosen up and enjoy this part of your life. When you have to grow up and be a full-fledged adult, you can worry about an affair with a married man or your boss. You’re in college. This is the only time in your life you’re going to get a free pass to have some fun,” she said with a smile. “I’m certainly maximizing every minute.”
I nodded, but I wasn’t sure I felt the same way.
“Okay, I better get going. I’ll see you tonight?”
She smiled. “I have a date. Hopefully I won’t see you until tomorrow morning.” She waggled her eyebrows.
I had to laugh. This woman was very committed to having fun.
“You better enjoy being a little ho. You only have a few more months before you have to put that thing away and act like a mature, responsible woman,” I told her.
She threw back her head and laughed. “I promise, I will be the consummate good girl the minute I step into the real world. I’ll save myself for my husband.”
I opened the door, turned to look at her. “There is no saving anything, Maria. That ship sailed about two years ago when you decided to go down this road of free love,” I shot back. I had to fight back a laugh. I loved Maria. We were good enough friends I could insult her without her taking it personal.
“Don’t be jealous!” she shouted through the door I had just closed.
I walked out of the library, feeling a little better about the kiss. It hadn’t been sexual. It had been sweet and fairly innocent. One sweep of his tongue didn’t exactly cross lines into dirty girl territory. I hoped tomorrow we could both ignore it and pretend it never happened.
As much as I wanted that, I knew I could never fully get on board with that plan. Even now, I was replaying the kiss and the way it made me feel. It had been gentle. It made me feel like he was worshiping me in the most respectful way. My body shivered as I imagined what it would be like to have those gentle lips move over my body and give me the full worshiping I was suddenly very eager for.
“Stop it,” I scolded myself, suddenly feeling very much like Maria. Free love was not my thing.
I had things to do and obsessing over a kiss from a gorgeous man wasn’t one of them. I needed to pack for my trip. Maybe I should skip his class tomorrow. It would give us a few days post-kiss to forget all about it.
I couldn’t. I knew that, but it sounded good. Nope, tomorrow I would have to face him. I was dreading the awkward encounter—mostly. I was also looking forward to seeing him. I knew I shouldn’t be, but deep down, that snake of desire was coiled in my belly, wanting more.
Chapter Fifteen
Ian
I could call in sick. I should call in. I don’t think I slept a wink all night. As soon as Tessa fled my office, I fell into a pit of self-hatred. I had kissed a student. My assistant. The girl who worked under me. I can’t believe I’ve made such a colossal mistake. It wasn’t like me to act without thinking first. I am not the kind of guy who sleeps around with college co-eds.
Staring up at the ceiling, I tried to think of a really good excuse for staying home today. I could say I had the measles. Or I had been in a car accident and needed a few days to recover. Why did I have to make up an excuse at all? I could call the dean and tell her I’m taking a personal day.
No, I couldn’t. It would never fly, especially considering the semester had just begun.
My eyes moved around the bedroom. It was the room I had shared with Miriam for a few short years. As quickly as Miriam appeared in my thoughts, she vanished. My mind drifted right back to Tessa and the kiss. I could still feel her on my lips. I felt a bit like a teenage girl. I never wanted to brush my teeth
or wipe my lips, again. I wanted to taste her there, forever.
“You kissed a student, dude,” I said aloud, scolding myself.
In my defense, she wasn’t technically my student. Did the same no fraternization rules apply? I hoped not. I had never done something so reckless in my life. Scratch that. My relationship with Miriam had been born of a reckless one-night-stand that turned into a baby and marriage. I shook my head, not wanting to go back down that road. It stirred up horrible memories and reminded me why I was in the position I was in today.
Dexter jumped on my chest. “What do you want? Maybe I can call in sick because my cat died.”
The cat either didn’t understand my threat or didn’t care. He sat on my chest, looking down at me in that way he did when he wanted food. He always wanted food, which was why he was twenty pounds. Cats shouldn’t weigh twenty pounds, the vet said. The vet promised, I mean warned me, the cat would not live a long life if I didn’t put him on a diet. But I was pretty sure it would be my life that was shortened if I even thought about putting Dexter on a diet.
“Get off, and I’ll get you some damn food,” I grumbled, pushing the cat off and getting out of bed. Dexter meowed in protest at the abrupt dismount, but quickly scampered out of the room when I gave him a death glare.
As I stood there, looking around my room that still had the same pictures on the wall that Miriam had picked out and hung, I had a sudden epiphany. I wanted things to be different. I was tired of this self-made hell I had been living in. Miriam would not approve of Tessa, beyond the obvious reason because we were married. Miriam and Tessa were very different, and I didn’t think that was a bad thing.
I managed to get myself together and off to school. The time was filled with near constant memories of the kiss. I had dissected it to the point it wasn’t what I initially remembered anymore. Strike that. The taste of her lips was not something I would ever forget.
Sitting at my desk reviewing my notes for the day, I was immediately aware of her when she walked in. In an instant, I knew it was going to be very awkward. She wasn’t bouncing or flowing like she normally did. It was a walk of shame. Her head was down, and her shoulders slumped forward as she walked past my desk, avoiding all eye contact. Great.
I ignored her in the corner, doing her best to appear busy. Once class got going, we had to fake it. We couldn’t let on that we were completely freaked out to be near each other. It would send up a red flag to students who loved to gossip.
“Miss McShane?” I called out.
Her head popped up. She gave me a strange look before she answered. “Yes, Professor Dunlap?”
“Can you return the graded quizzes so we can go over them?” I turned my attention back to the class. “This is important information. We’re heading into the field next week, and I need everyone to pass. And yes, we will be repeating the quiz at the end of class.”
Tessa walked past me. I involuntarily inhaled, knowing there would be a trail of fruity fragrance left in her wake, and I wasn’t disappointed.
Once finished, she took the long way around the room to avoid having to walk past me.
“Is that all?” she asked from the safety of her side of the room.
“Yes, I’ll be handing out the quiz again. Can you just make sure they are ready to go out?”
She nodded, refusing to meet my eyes as she went to the desk behind me.
This couldn’t go on. I couldn’t deal with the weirdness. I managed to get through the first class, barely. I needed to talk to her. Clear the air so I could focus on teaching rather than the tension strumming between us.
“Tessa,” I started when the class cleared out. She looked up, looked around and then back at me. We were alone.
“I need to run an errand. I hope it can wait. I’ll be back,” she said, rushing out the door so fast I didn’t get a chance to say a word. The situation was worse than I had thought and it wasn’t going to get better by ignoring the elephant in the room.
She breezed in with the next stream of students. “Tessa,” I said in a low voice.
She looked at me. “Oh, sorry, I forgot. Did you still need something?”
I gave her a look that said she wasn’t fooling anyone. It was obvious she was avoiding me.
We managed to get through another awkward class without speaking directly to each other. I dismissed class a couple minutes early, making sure she couldn’t use the excuse that she would be late to her next class. This time, I didn’t give her an opportunity to escape.
“Miss McShane, I need to see you after class,” I said, as the students began to file out the door, putting her on the spot.
She looked at me as if she were going to tell me no, but seemed resigned to the idea.
“Sure,” she said, trying her best to sound nonchalant. Jeff had stopped at her desk, but when he realized she was busy, he quickly left the room.
I could see how nervous she was. I think we both were. I know I certainly didn’t want to get into the whole embarrassing situation, but it was better than walking around on eggshells when we were in the same room together five days a week. The mature thing to do was to admit the mistake and move past it. I hoped.
Once the last student left, I walked over, shut the door and locked it. I didn’t want to take the chance we would get interrupted. The last thing I needed was a student or the dean hearing about our misdeed in my office.
Taking a deep breath, I steeled myself for what I needed to do. “Tessa, we have to talk,” I started.
I turned to look at her and slowly walked back to my desk. She nodded, stayed in her seat, and looked at me. I didn’t know what to say. How did I start a conversation about why I kissed her? I decided to dive right in, like pulling off a Band-Aid. I sat in my seat and rolled it closer to where she was sitting.
Her nervousness visibly amplified the closer I got, and I stopped several feet away from her. I couldn’t live with myself if I scared her or made her dread being alone in a room with me. I never wanted any woman to feel that way, especially her.
“I’m sorry,” I blurted out. It was all I knew to say. I knew I had already said it, but I needed to say it again. I needed her to know that I didn’t go around kissing young women. “I know that kissing you was completely inappropriate. I know it violated written as well as unspoken rules about conduct between a teacher and student.”
She nodded. “It does. I mean, it was a risky move. I’m sorry, too. I should have stopped you.”
“No, please, it wasn’t your fault. This is all on me,” I told her, meaning every word. I initiated the kiss. Yes, she could have pulled back or slapped me, but it was still my fault for ever starting it.
We sat in silence before she looked up from her clenched hands. “Ian,” she said softly.
“Hmm?”
“Why? Why did you kiss me?” she asked.
The question took me by surprise. I wasn’t sure what to say. Why does anyone kiss anyone? It was an impulsive decision and not one I was exactly proud of. If I told her my real reason, because I wanted to, I would sound ridiculous. Who was I kidding though? I was ridiculous.
“Because I wanted to?” I said, more of a question than a real answer. I felt like a fool the moment the words crossed my lips. That was an answer a toddler gave or an insolent teen used, not an adult in a respected teaching position.
She smiled. It was a warm, tender smile. One that felt like she was patting me on the head like a good dog. I guessed that was better than a smirk or a slap to the face, both of which I was deserving of.
“Okay,” she said, slapping her hands on her thighs. “All right, then. I need to get going. I’ll see you Wednesday.”
I stood, not sure if that was exactly the conversation we needed to have, but I felt a little better. She seemed a bit more relieved as well, so I figured I should leave it at that. I didn’t want to leave it though. What I really wanted to do was grab her around the waist, pull her in close, and ravish her mouth.
Shocked wit
h myself, I blinked, frozen with the knowledge of my sudden need to have her. If she knew how badly I was craving her, she would run out of the room screaming. I walked past her and unlocked the door.
“Have a good weekend,” I said, standing off to the side to make sure there was no contact as she went by. I watched as she walked down the hall, instantly feeling her absence. I wanted her… in more ways than one.
The beginning of next week was going to be rough without her around. She pushed open the double doors, sunlight filling the area, enveloping her and creating a spectacular silhouette. I stood there, unable to move as she walked away. It felt like a loss. A loss similar to what I had experienced when Miriam and Ally were killed.
It was clearly not the same, and it made no sense that I would feel this way, but I did. I felt bereft without her company. I wanted to spend every minute with her, and her absence was stealing away precious time.
I needed to get it together. Thank God I had the barbecue this weekend. I needed to get out of the school and hopefully put Tessa out of my mind. Jake better be prepared to keep me entertained. I couldn’t afford to fall in love or lust with a student. No way could I jeopardize my job.
Chapter 16
Tessa
“I miss her,” I choked out. I had been fighting back the tears all day, but now, sitting here in the silence, it was too much.
My mom leaned in, wrapped her arms around me. “I know, hon. I miss her, too. I don’t think we’ll ever not miss her.”
I stared at the headstone my mother and I had picked out together. It had taken months for it to be completed and set up. Now, as I sat on the grass in front of the four-foot high edifice that marked my sister’s final resting place, I realized it was worth the wait.
My mom had spent a small fortune on the white stone with an engraving of an angel and my sister’s name. It was beautiful. We had come to the cemetery early to clean up around her spot in this field of sadness. We put several bouquets of new flower arrangements in each of the pots. That was another extra my mom had demanded. She wanted Talia’s grave to be in bloom all the time.
