‘Yes. The Neenors are a hive mind, each one connected to the other. You will have set off a chain reaction through the entire race. Every Neenor brain will have gone pop. We are free!’
Spoon’s words were almost entirely drowned out by the staff singing another round of ‘For he’s a jolly good fellow’ to Mr Painly. Mildew sighed.
‘So I gather the girls we are host to are not girls at all but aliens,’ said the Headmaster as the staff finished their chorus and grouped around him to peer at the alien girls. ‘I’m surprised you did not spot anything unusual, Miss MT2T.’
‘We built Miss MT2T,’ said Spoon.
‘Built her?’ said the Headmaster.
‘From the waste disposal system in the podule,’ said Spoon. ‘We thought it might be more convincing if we had an adult with us. Sorry.’
The Headmaster peered at Miss MT2T.
‘Sor … ry …’ said Miss MT2T.
Night had now descended like a huge black sock and the girls explained that they really must be getting back to their ship.
‘It is time for us to go,’ said Milk. ‘Thank you for all your help and for your kindness.’
‘Oh … well … I …’ burbled Mildew.
‘Me too,’ said Sponge.
‘You are both very brave,’ said Spoon.
‘I’m really not,’ said Sponge.
‘But it’s easy to be brave if you are courageous by nature,’ said Spoon. ‘How much braver it is to show courage when your nature is timid.’
Both boys smiled.
‘Must you go now?’ said the Headmaster, looking disappointed. ‘But I was hoping to take Miss MT2T on a tour of Lower Maudlin. It has very fine curb stones, you know.’
‘Another … time,’ said Miss MT2T. ‘Thank you … for allowing us to survive. Your prisoners have … been very kind … to us.’
‘Prisoners?’ said the Headmaster. ‘Oh, you mean the boys. Very droll.’
Mildew and Sponge glanced at each other.
‘I’m afraid we really should be going,’ said Milk. ‘The XR7 interstellar highway is a nightmare if you catch it at peak time.’
‘Thanks for having us,’ said Spoon.
‘It was our pleasure,’ said Sponge.
‘Well, maybe not “pleasure” exactly,’ said Mildew. ‘What with the mechanical spiders, the giant floating eyeballs, the threat of being vaporised and such forth.’
‘True,’ said Sponge. ‘But all the same …’
‘Might I ask what you are really called?’ said Mildew. ‘Milk and Spoon can’t be your actual names. What would we call you were we ever to land on your planet?’
‘Well,’ said Milk. ‘Actually, it’s FiggleZiggleWiggle-GiggleFlooFlooWizfigWizbagWooWooZipwire-FlujabWeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeBoingRaRarZoom-ZoomCrispPacketToenailLipGlossBooHoo - ArrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhDumDum-DumDumDumParpWednesdayDooDahDooDah-PlopTwangMarmaladeBillingsgateFishmarket.’
Mildew nodded.
‘Shall we just continue to call you Milk for the time being?’
‘Very well,’ she said.
‘What about you?’ asked Sponge of Spoon.
Spoon let out a long, deep guttural belching sound that rattled the windows and the teeth in Sponge’s head and echoed round the corridors and cloisters of the school and set off one solitary mournful bong from Big Brian.
Milk and Spoon thanked the boys one last time and each leaned forward to kiss them on the cheek. Mildew and Sponge blushed and quivered like strawberry jellies.
‘Has the world gone mad?’ said Kenningworth. ‘Or is that your third kiss of the evening, Mildew?’
Mildew shrugged and smiled dizzily.
‘Might we see what you really look like,’ asked Sponge, ‘as we may never meet again?’
‘Yes,’ agreed Mildew. ‘So that we can recall your true selves when we revisit this scene later in our memories.’
‘You may not like what you see,’ said Milk.
‘You may be repelled,’ said Spoon. ‘Or even disgusted.’
‘Come now,’ said Mildew. ‘Sponge and I have toughened up a little during the course of this adventure. I’m certain we will be able to take it in our stride.’
‘Agreed,’ said Sponge.
Milk and Spoon turned to face each other, nodded as if in agreement and then turned back to the boys.
Their disguises disappeared in an instant and their girlish faces were replaced by a baffling and hideous casserole of tentacles and teeth.
‘Aaaargh!’ screamed Sponge.
‘Aaaargh!’ agreed Mildew.
The aliens switched back to their earlier guise.
‘Better?’ they asked.
‘Yes,’ said Mildew and Sponge very quietly.
‘Then I suppose this is farewell for us too, my dear,’ said the Headmaster.
‘Affirmative,’ agreed Miss MT2T.
‘Perhaps we may meet again,’ said the Headmaster. ‘One never knows.’
‘Highly … unlikely,’ said Miss MT2T. ‘Although still … statistically possible.’
Miss MT2T leaned forward with a wheeze and a clank and gave the Headmaster a kiss on his cheek before turning to the girls.
‘Intoxicating creature,’ said the Headmaster quietly. ‘One could travel to the furthest reaches of Lincolnshire and still never find a woman like that, boys.’
‘You do realise she is mechanical, sir?’ said Mr Luckless, coming to stand beside them.
‘Mechanical or not, she’s a dashed handsome thing and I shall miss her greatly.’
The Headmaster’s lip began to quiver. Mr Luckless sighed and the boys could tell he was thinking about Miss Livia, his Roman romance. Sponge suddenly had the distinct impression that he was being watched and turned round to see a giant floating eyeball hovering behind him.
‘Aaaargh!’ he screamed.
‘Aaaargh!’ screamed the others when they turned to see what Sponge was screaming about.
‘It’s Kevin!’ said Mildew. ‘We forgot about him … her … whatever …’
‘It looks sad,’ said Sponge.
It was true. Kevin did look sad.
‘This is an Occulox from Brizane 7,’ said Milk. ‘The Neenor enslave them and force them to spy for them. But they are not by nature bad creatures at all.’
‘It’s a bit lost, I suppose,’ said Mildew. ‘Rather far from home.’
‘We’ll take Kevin with us,’ said Milk. ‘If you’d like that, Kevin?’
Kevin nodded.
‘Brizane 7 is on the way for us,’ said Spoon. ‘We can drop her off. We’ll also take the Neenor mechanical spiders with us. Best not to leave those lying around. The Neenor vessel becomes unstable when not in contact with their brain waves and should self-destruct harmlessly round about now …’
There was a muffled ‘Phut!’ from up on Pug’s Peak.
‘There will be no trace of its existence except for a rather bad smell for a few days.’
Lamps were lit and the Maudlin Towers boys and staff followed Miss MT2T and the girls up to the top of Pug’s Peak and they stood in a wide arc while the aliens waved their final farewells and entered their space-carriage. Their constellation of lamps were mirrored by the stars shining above in the soot-black sky.
After a minute or two the ground began to shake and the craft to glow and hum, making some of the nearby sheep shriek with fear. The glow became brighter and the hum grew louder and louder as the space-carriage broke free from the peat in which it was embedded.
Then there was a great flash of light and slowly the craft rose up from the top of the hill. It seemed not much bigger than the portion they had been able to see, but as it gained height it grew in size, wing-like appendages unfolding like the petals of a huge flower. The mechanical spiders rose slowly from the ground and to gasps from the observers were borne gracefully towards the alien craft, where large doors opened and they disappeared inside.
The craft hovered for a while, slowly revolving, and then blasted up towards the heavens,
disappearing in a sparkling plume of twinkling rainbow lights.
And then it was gone, and all was as though it had never been there.
Apart from the massive hole in the ground.
The awestruck crowd stared up at the night sky in silence for a while until they began to fidget and grow restless and a little bored and the Headmaster suggested that perhaps they should all go back inside for a nice cup of tea.
Just as they were turning, Sponge noticed a star moving across the sky, getting larger and larger until it became clear it was heading straight for them.
Before they could even dive for cover, however, there was a flash of light and a booming voice.
‘Behold the Great One.’
There, hovering above them was a huge shining image of Mr Stupendo.
‘You may have defeated the Neenor,’ he boomed. ‘But you will never defeat me. I will –’
The image suddenly went pffft, shrank to a tiny point of light and then disappeared altogether. Mildew turned to see Kenningworth pointing the strange object he had brought from the future up at the sky.
‘Seems like it wasn’t broken, after all,’ said Kenningworth.
‘Well,’ said the Headmaster. ‘Following that unpleasantness, shall we now retire to the dank embrace of the school?’
Everyone moved away, discussing the strange events of that day. Mildew patted Kenningworth on the back. Sponge nudged Mr Luckless.
‘I wonder if Miss Bronteen might like some company on the walk down,’ he said.
‘Oh,’ replied Mr Luckless. ‘Yes. She might. Thoughtful of you, Spongely-Partwork.’
‘I meant you, sir,’ he replied.
‘Oh. Quite. I see.’
Mr Luckless ambled over to where the English teacher stood, staring up into the heavens.
‘I always feel so small and insignificant when I look at the night sky,’ said Miss Bronteen.
Mr Luckless nodded.
‘Although, if we are so small and insignificant, how much smaller must our troubles be,’ he said with a smile.
To Mildew and Sponge’s astonishment, Miss Bronteen returned his smile.
‘Would you care to walk back to the school in a reasonably close yet respectful proximity to one another?’ said Mr Luckless.
‘Yes,’ said Miss Bronteen. ‘I’d like that very much.’
Mildew and Sponge smiled as they followed their teachers back to the school.
‘That didn’t seem quite such an effort,’ said Mildew as they walked down. ‘You know – climbing up Pug’s Peak again.’
‘I know what you mean,’ said Sponge. ‘It felt quite easy this time.’
‘Maybe we should climb it more often,’ said Mildew. ‘To keep our fitness levels up.’
The boys stared at each other for a moment. Then both burst out laughing and continued at a brisk chuckle all the way back to the school.
he following day, the boys insisted that Mildew and Sponge take them to the bothy to see the site of the time machine. They filed in and stared for a long time at the empty patch of floor.
They had insisted on hearing a detailed description of Mildew and Sponge’s adventures in time and were all rather jealous – even of the dangerous parts.
‘So you’re saying it could appear at any moment?’ said Kenningworth.
‘In theory,’ said Mildew. ‘Assuming someone took it into the future before we sent it back to the dinosaurs with Mr Stupendo.’
The boys continued to stare at what was in effect, and in reality, just a cobweb-strewn stone wall and filthy tiled floor.
‘So you might appear?’ said Hipflask. ‘You might appear now, in front of yourselves?’
‘Not us,’ said Sponge, rather enjoying this unfamiliar position as expert. ‘We’d know if that had happened. We’d remember. Because we’d already have done it.’
‘Only if we came from the past, Sponge,’ said Mildew. ‘Who knows if we get our hands on the time machine again in the future and come back to this actual moment.’
‘Of course you would know that you had done that in the past by the time you get to that future point,’ said Furthermore, tapping his fingers together. ‘While not necessarily knowing now. So in theory you could indeed get access to the time machine and appear now, surprising yourselves entirely.’
‘Indeed,’ said Mildew, peering at him with a pained expression. ‘Well done. You’re getting the hang of it.’
The boys looked back towards the space where this hypothetical appearance might take place but the space persisted in being empty.
‘Well, this is exciting, I must say,’ said Kenningworth.
‘Oh, you’re just grumpy because you didn’t get to use it more,’ said Mildew.
Kenningworth smiled. He had to admit it was true.
‘Where would you go to, Kenningworth?’ said Mildew with a smile. ‘If you could have another go?’
‘Oh, I don’t know,’ said Kenningworth. ‘I’ve always had a soft spot for the Egyptians. I wouldn’t mind having a look round one of those pyramids.’
‘The Crusades for me,’ said Enderpenny.
‘I’d like to have a long chat with Sir Isaac Newton,’ said Furthermore.
‘Well, I’d –’ began Filbert.
‘You can only travel in time, not in space,’ said Mildew. ‘Sorry – did we not mention that? One can only travel back and forth on the timeline of this particular place.’
‘But that’s not fair,’ said Kenningworth. ‘What good is that? I’m immediately less jealous.’
‘In any case,’ said Mildew, ‘something tells me we’ve seen the last of the time machine.’
Kenningworth sighed. The boys filed out, their heads heavy with disappointment, and Mildew and Sponge stood in the doorway of the bothy watching them trudge towards the ha-ha. Sponge smiled and shook his head.
‘These recent perils seem to have brought us all together, Mildew,’ said Sponge. ‘The boys, the staff, everyone. Some good has come of all this danger.’
‘Well said. I believe you’re right. Even Kenningworth has shed some of his odiousness. I think things may be a lot more tolerable in the school from now on.’
‘Particularly for Mr Luckless and Miss Bronteen,’ said Sponge.
‘Yes,’ said Mildew. ‘Who’d have thought it? Good work there, old egg.’
To their amazement there was a flash and a whine behind them in the bothy and they ran back inside to find the time machine returned and seated in it was the very history teacher to whom they had so recently been alluding.
‘Mr Luckless!’ said Mildew and Sponge.
He looked a little startled to see them and blinked at them through his glasses, taking them off to clean them with his handkerchief.
‘Boys!’ he said. ‘What are you doing here?’
‘We could ask the same of you, sir,’ said Mildew.
‘True,’ said Mr Luckless. ‘You don’t seem very surprised at my appearance.’
‘We’ve seen your black eye before, sir,’ said Sponge. ‘You’ve come further into the future than you think.’
‘Have I?’ said Mr Luckless. ‘I must have misread the dials and ended up here instead of my correct time.’
‘That’s exactly it, sir,’ said Sponge.
‘Are you sure?’ said Mr Luckless.
‘Yes, sir. You told us yourself,’ said Mildew, remembering the conversation they’d had as they’d climbed Pug’s Peak to confront the Neenor.
‘Did I?’ he said. ‘I don’t recall.’
‘That’s because you haven’t said it yet, sir,’ said Sponge.
Mr Luckless opened his mouth, thought for a while and then closed it again.
‘Never mind. What’s happening, boys? What excitement am I in for?’
‘Well, sir,’ said Mildew. ‘There has been a spot of bother recently involving alien girls, giant floating eyeballs and huge murderous mechanical spiders …’
‘Good Lord,’ said Mr Luckless, staring at them. ‘That sounds ter
rifying. I’m rather glad I’ve missed it.’
‘Except that you haven’t missed it, sir,’ said Sponge. ‘You just don’t know about it yet.’
Again, Mr Luckless winced as his brain struggled to keep up.
‘You’re right, of course,’ said Mr Luckless. ‘Time travel is a mind-slapping business, isn’t it?’
‘It is, sir,’ agreed Mildew.
An awkward silence ensued in which Mr Luckless began to feel a little self-conscious sitting in the time machine and the boys struggled to think of what they could say to their teacher that would not cause further trouble or confuse matters.
‘Perhaps it might be best if I just go straight back,’ said Mr Luckless. ‘I might meet myself and then where would we be? I feel like my journeys in this contraption have not all been best judged.’
‘You did meet Miss Livia, sir,’ said Mildew. ‘So not all bad.’
Mr Luckless smiled.
‘Yes,’ he said. ‘Not all bad. Nothing ventured, eh?’
‘And who knows what the future might have in store for you, sir?’ said Mildew.
‘Did you just wink, Mildew?’ said Mr Luckless. ‘Why are you smirking?’
‘Anyway, sir,’ said Sponge. ‘I think it might be for the best if you head on back to the past.’
Mr Luckless nodded, still peering at Mildew. He grabbed hold of the lever on the time machine.
‘Before I go,’ he said, ‘might I enquire how everything is at the moment? You mentioned some fairly terrifying predicaments. How fares Maudlin Towers on this particular day?’
Mildew and Sponge smiled.
‘Everything is back to normal, sir,’ said Mildew.
‘Excellent,’ said Mr Luckless, and in a flash and with a whine, he was gone.
ildew and Sponge lay on their beds reading books from the library. They had become unaccountably intrigued by books of a more romantic leaning ever since the departure of the alien girls. Mildew put down his copy of Swoons by Moonlight by Susanna Smoothly and sighed.
‘Love is a curious fish, isn’t it, Sponge?’ said Mildew.
‘I suppose it is, now you come to mention it,’ Sponge replied, lowering his book too.
Attack of the Meteor Monsters Page 10
