by Heidi Rice
He took a slow breath. ‘It was real time. After juvie I skipped parole, took to the streets. A year later, I was picked up in Buffalo after a bar fight. One of the local barflies went after me with a broken bottle. I defended myself and hit him back but then loads of others piled in. Glass and fists were flying everywhere. A guy got hurt bad that night. I wasn’t from around there and I had a record, so it was me who ended up doing a stretch in the local pen. One of the meanest pens in the whole state of New York I found out after I’d been there less than a day.’
He could still remember the horror of that night, could still remember the fear afterwards, during two years of tests to make sure he was healthy. Looking at her, he could see the compassion, the understanding in her eyes. Maybe she wouldn’t judge him, maybe she would understand.
‘I had a pretty face. I was seventeen, cocky and stupid with it. I thought I knew the score.’
Jessie could see the shadow of bitterness in his eyes and felt her heart race in sympathy.
‘They cornered me in the shower on the first night,’ he continued, his voice low and thick with tension. ‘Two of them. I fought back at the start, but what was the point? It was two against one and I didn’t stand a chance.’
The tears slid down Jessie’s cheeks. How had he survived?
He stared down at his feet in the sand. His words came out on a low murmur. ‘They held me down, took turns.’
Leaning forward, she pressed herself against him, wrapped her arms around him and held on tight. She could feel the solid beat of his heart against her ear as she rested her head against the warm skin of his back. He didn’t say anything, but slowly she felt his shoulders relax. He put his hand on top of hers.
After a long time, she let go, moved round, knelt in front of him. She gripped his face in her hands, made him look at her.
‘You survived, Monroe. That’s all that matters.’ She could see the shadow of humiliation in his eyes, fought to control her anger at what he had been forced to endure, at what he was still enduring. ‘Don’t ever feel ashamed.’
‘You don’t think I’m less of a man?’
Where the hell had that question come from? he wondered. He’d never known the doubt was inside him until he’d asked her.
She flashed a seductive smile at him through the veil of tears. ‘Monroe. I don’t think I could cope with you if you were any more of a man.’
He brought his arms round her then, held her close, sank into the comfort and support she offered. He’d told her the worst of it and she hadn’t been disgusted. She hadn’t judged him as he had so often judged himself.
‘Did it happen more than once?’ she asked quietly.
‘No, that was it. I got beat up a few more times after that, but mostly I kept to myself.’ He folded his legs, settled her onto his lap, but kept his arms around her. And thought about how much he was going to miss her when he had to let her go.
As they walked back towards the garage apartment, the noon sun heating the grass beneath Jessie’s feet, she considered what Monroe had told her of his past.
He’d been through so much, as a child and as an adult. Yet the only person he really seemed to blame was himself. She could feel the rough skin of his palm as he held her hand. He’d worked so hard, in dead-end jobs, yet he had such great talent as an artist but didn’t want to promote it. Now she understood why—because he lacked the confidence.
She loved him. It wasn’t just a silly girlish dream. It couldn’t be. She understood him now. This was more than she’d ever felt for Toby.
She had planned to tell him how she felt tonight, but now she wasn’t so sure. Maybe she shouldn’t rush him, put pressure on him. He’d told her things she was sure he’d never told anyone else. He’d shared so much with her and that should be enough for now. She squeezed his hand as they mounted the apartment steps together.
‘You all right?’ he asked. The slight frown on his face made it clear he wasn’t sure. The thought made her heart ache for him. How could such a strong, admirable man be so unsure of himself?
‘Yes, I’m wonderful.’ She glanced away. The heaviness of the conversation was making him uneasy. She needed to change the subject. ‘It’ll be nice to see Ali and Linc and Emmy again tomorrow, but I think we’re going to miss the privacy.’
He pushed the apartment door open, held it as she went in ahead of him. ‘I guess.’
‘We may have a few awkward moments with Emmy when she comes skipping over in the morning to play mechanic with you.’
‘About that…’ He stopped dead beside her, the strain clear in his voice. ‘We probably shouldn’t say anything yet.’
‘Why not?’ Jessie felt the flutter of uneasiness in her stomach.
Monroe dumped their towels on the sofa. He took his time walking into the kitchenette and getting himself a glass of water.
‘You want one?’ He held the glass up.
Jessie shook her head. ‘Why don’t you want us to say anything to Linc and Ali?’
He put the glass down with a solid plop on the breakfast bar, looked at her for the first time since they’d entered the apartment.
‘Is there something wrong, Monroe?’
When he didn’t answer straight away, she felt a lump start to form in her throat. What exactly was going on?
‘No.’ Her relief at his words was tempered by the look of regret she could see in his eyes.
Reaching across the breakfast bar, he took her hand, pulled her around beside him. Putting his palms on her cheeks, he lifted her face to his.
‘I can’t let you go, Jessie. Not yet.’
She didn’t know what to make of the statement. ‘Why would you have to?’
He gave her a light kiss. ‘Let’s just keep it private for now, okay?’ His voice was low, possessive. ‘I want it to be just the two of us. I don’t want to share you with anyone, Red. Not even Linc and Ali.’
‘But, Monroe, how can we keep it a secret? If we’re sleeping together?’
‘Come over in the evenings, after they’ve gone to bed.’
She stepped back, a cold feeling in the pit of her stomach. ‘That seems a bit sneaky.’
‘It’s not sneaky.’ He snagged her hand, before she could take another step away. ‘Listen, Jess.’ He rubbed her palm absently with his thumb. ‘Linc as good as told me to keep my hands off you.’
‘Wha-at?’ The shock came first. She pulled her hand out of his. ‘I don’t believe it. When?’
‘The morning after the barbecue. I guess he could see I was interested. He was just protecting you.’
Shock was followed by indignation. ‘But that’s…’ She spluttered to a halt, words failed her. ‘But it’s none of his business.’
‘Sure it is. He’s your brother-in-law.’
‘Exactly, he’s my brother-in-law, not my keeper. How dare he? I’ve got a good mind to give him a kick up the bum when he gets back.’
Monroe grinned at her indignation, making her more angry.
‘What on earth are you smiling about? It’s not funny.’
‘Oh, yeah, it is.’ He held onto her hand as she reeled away. ‘I didn’t tell you so I could see you kick my brother’s butt.’ He paused a moment, humour sparking in his eyes. ‘Though that would be kinda fun.’
‘Why did you tell me, then?’
He pulled her close, held her still when she struggled.
‘Linc doesn’t want me to touch you and I don’t want him to know that I have.’ He loosened his grip so she could see his face.
‘But that’s so Neanderthal of you both.’
His lips tilted. He didn’t look remotely offended at the suggestion. ‘I guess it’s a guy thing. It’s just…Linc and me are on shaky ground. I screwed up pretty bad with the birthday present.’
She sobered, remembering the painful incident at Emmy’s party. ‘Don’t feel bad about that, Monroe. Linc understood. I’m sure he did.’
His hands stroked up her arms. ‘He feels protective of you. I don�
�t want to hit him with this…situation yet. Could we let it ride for now?’
She didn’t want to let it ride. She wanted everyone to know how she felt about Monroe. That she was head over heels in love with him. But if she couldn’t even bring herself to tell Monroe yet, how could she tell anyone else?
But still Jessie hesitated.
It was worse than sneaky not to tell everyone about their relationship. It was dishonest. But what could she do, seeing the insecurity in his eyes? He was worried about his relationship with his brother and, however misguided his suggestion might be, she couldn’t stand in the way of him building a better bond with Linc. The two of them had been robbed of that in their childhood. She would not be the one to put a spanner in the works now.
‘Okay, Monroe, I won’t say anything, but just for a little while.’
Monroe pulled her into his arms, so she couldn’t see the sadness in his eyes. ‘Thanks, Red,’ he said, knowing a little while was all they had.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
‘SO, WHAT have you and Monroe been getting up to while we’ve been away?’
Jessie’s fingers stopped dead on the garment she was busy folding into Ali’s dresser drawer. ‘Sorry, what did you say?’ She could feel the heat creeping up her neck as she stared down at the newly washed T-shirt.
‘Hmm,’ Ali murmured from the soft leather armchair by the master bedroom’s French doors. ‘From the fantastic shade of red you’re going, I’d say it’s quite a lot.’
Jessie turned slowly to face her sister. She was trapped. That was the problem with having red hair and fair skin. She couldn’t keep a secret from Ali if her life depended on it.
‘Don’t look so mortified, Jess. You’ve been here two weeks alone together and it was obvious the night of the barbecue there was an attraction there. I’m not all that shocked you guys went for it.’
Jessie stared at her sister, keeping her feelings a secret now seemed pointless. ‘Actually, it’s a little more than just sex.’
Ali studied her sister for a moment, then her eyes widened. ‘My goodness.’ She hauled herself out of the chair, waddled over to Jessie. ‘You’re in love with him.’
The depth of emotion in Ali’s eyes made Jessie’s own begin to water. ‘Yes, I think I am.’
‘How does Monroe feel?’
Jessie looked down as she closed the dresser drawer. ‘We haven’t talked about it.’
‘Why not?’
‘I don’t want to pressure him.’
‘But, Jess, you have a right to know how he feels, don’t you?’
‘He cares about me. I know he does.’ He had made love to her so carefully, so tenderly the night before, it had to be true.
‘What’s the problem, then?’ Concern tinged Ali’s words. ‘You don’t look happy, Jess.’
‘I…’ Jessie paused, feeling guilty. She’d already broken the promise she’d made to Monroe. ‘He didn’t want you and Linc to know about us.’
‘Why?’
It was such a simple question. Why did she find it so hard to answer? ‘He says it’s because Linc warned him off. Told him not to touch me.’
‘That’s ridiculous. Linc wouldn’t say that.’ Ali sounded so sure, Jessie’s confusion increased.
‘I know,’ Jessie replied softly. ‘After I thought about it for a while I came to the same conclusion. I mean, I know Linc can be a bit overprotective, but I’m sure Monroe got the wrong end of the stick somehow.’
‘There’s a very simple way to sort this out.’ Ali headed for the bedroom door. ‘We’ll go and ask Linc what he said.’
‘No.’ Jessie caught up with her sister, held her arm. ‘You can’t ask him. I don’t want Linc to know about this.’
Her sister stared back at her for a moment. ‘I can’t believe you and Monroe think you’ll be able to keep it a secret. It took me about ten seconds to figure it out after we got back this morning.’
‘Yes, well.’ Jessie could feel the heat in her cheeks again but soldiered on. ‘I don’t think Linc’s quite as astute as you are. He didn’t spot a thing.’ It had been almost comical, the way Monroe had been so careful not to touch her or look at her when the family’s car had pulled up in the drive that morning.
‘Linc was nervous,’ Ali said. ‘After what happened at Emmy’s party. I told him to ring Monroe and talk to him while we were in New York. But he wouldn’t do it. You know what men are like. They’d rather saw off their own tongues than talk about their feelings. But he’s desperate to make things right with Monroe.’
‘Monroe wants to sort it out as well, Ali.’ Jessie pleaded with her sister. This she understood. ‘That’s why I don’t think we should tell Linc about Monroe and me right now. They’ve got so much baggage to get through already. This will just cloud the whole thing. And anyway, we’ve only been an item for two weeks.’
‘But you’re in love with him, Jess.’
‘I know, but it’s still new. They’ve waited over twenty years to become brothers again. I don’t want to make it more difficult.’
Ali plopped down on the bed, her eyes clouded. ‘Did Monroe talk to you about their family, then?’
‘Yes, he told me about their mother. What she did to them. What happened to him in prison. He’s had such a tough life, Ali. He’s had to overcome things I couldn’t even imagine.’
Ali watched her for a long moment, then patted the bed beside her. ‘Sit down, Jess.’
Jessie perched on the bed. She could see the worry and regret in Ali’s face.
‘All right, Jess,’ she said. ‘I won’t tell Linc about you two.’
Jessie let out an unsteady breath.
‘But I still think you’re wrong about this.’
‘Why? I—’
‘I know you’re doing it for all the right reasons,’ Ali interrupted her. ‘You’re warm and you’re giving and I think you’ve been waiting a long time to have someone to love.’
‘Do you think I’m being a romantic fool?’
‘No, I don’t, Jess.’ Ali’s words were heartfelt. ‘I don’t think you’re a fool at all. But,’ she continued, ‘Monroe is a very complicated man. He’s not going to be an easy man to love.’
‘I know that. But, Ali, he really needs me. And I think he’s worth the effort.’ How could she explain to her sister how special he was? ‘He’s such a wonderful person in so many ways. He’s tender and caring and so careful with me. He’s also fun and exciting and…Well, you already know how gorgeous he is. And, Ali, he has the most amazing talent. He paints, portraits, landscapes. In oil, mostly. But, Ali, he’s got this incredible way of putting the emotion there on the canvas. I wish you could see his work. But he’s sort of shy about it.’ Jessie’s heart felt as if it were going to beat right out of her chest. It was so wonderful to be able to talk to someone at last about how she felt.
Ali put her arms around Jessie, gave her a tight hug. ‘I’m glad for you, Jessie. And Monroe. He’s a lucky man, but I’ve got one word of warning.’
Jessie stilled her features, the concern in Ali’s eyes stemming her euphoria. ‘I’m listening.’
‘By not telling Monroe how you feel about him. By not telling Linc about the two of you because Monroe has asked you not to. You’re putting his needs above your own, Jess.’
‘I know, but it feels right at the moment.’
‘Fine, but it can’t go on for ever. What you need is just as important as what he needs. Remember that.’
‘Hey, you want a hand with that?’
Monroe looked up from the lawnmower to see his brother walking towards him across the freshly mown grass. He wiped his forearm across his brow as he stood up.
‘All finished,’ he said. ‘I’m just gonna haul these clippings over to the garage. The garbage truck will get them tomorrow.’
Drawing level, Linc grabbed one of the sacks. ‘Let me take one.’
Monroe bent to tie up the other. They walked in silence across the lawn with the cumbersome garbage bags in their a
rms. Monroe waited for his brother to speak. He could feel the sweat trickling down his back. It was a hot day; the mid-afternoon heat was a killer. He should have waited until evening to mow the lawn, but he’d been antsy ever since his brother and his family had got back from New York.
‘Why didn’t you come over for lunch? Ali was expecting you.’ Linc’s voice was neutral.
Monroe threw his bag into the large trash receptacle in the garage. ‘Couldn’t. Got caught up doing the lawn.’
Linc dumped his own bag into the bin. He slammed the lid down and then whipped around to face Monroe. ‘That’s bull.’ He didn’t sound neutral any more; he sounded good and pissed. ‘Nobody asked you to do the damn lawn.’
Monroe’s own temper spiked. ‘I told you I’m not a damn freeloader—’
Linc held up a hand. ‘Can it. I’m not arguing about that again.’
‘I’m not the one who brought it up again.’ Monroe bit the words out.
Linc dragged a hand through his hair, huffed out a breath. He didn’t look angry any more, just miserable. ‘Hell, Roe, why don’t you come out and say it?’
‘Say what?’ Monroe felt a trickle of guilt.
‘I screwed up. I know that,’ Linc replied. ‘I shouldn’t have tried to give you the gift at Emmy’s party. It was too soon. You weren’t ready.’
‘It’s not that,’ Monroe said, the trickle now a bitter torrent.
‘You don’t have to pretend with me, Roe. I know we don’t know each other. But we were brothers once. I wanted you to remember. I was pushing you. I shouldn’t have.’
Seeing the torment in his brother’s face, hearing it in his voice, Monroe knew he couldn’t hold out any longer.
‘I do remember.’ He watched Linc’s eyes jerk to his, saw the rush of emotion in them. ‘I remember you always gave me birthday cards. Some of the ugliest drawings I’ve ever seen in my life.’
Linc shrugged. ‘I was never much of an artist.’ His gaze was intent on Monroe’s.
‘I remember when I was ten.’ Monroe’s voice cracked a little, he cleared his throat. ‘The last one you ever gave me. You said it was the Silver Surfer. Looked more like an icebox with wings.’
