by Phil Foglio
Marie effortlessly switched gears. “Goodbye, my dear,” she said with a tear forming in her eye. “Try to stay good.” She enveloped Agatha in a tight hug and whispered. “But if you simply can’t, at least remember to enjoy yourself.”
Over the years to come, Agatha would often vacillate as to whether this was the best or the worst bit of advice she had ever received, but she had to admit, that she never regretted following it.
Payne took her hand, and a small, pleasantly heavy purse was placed there. Agatha tried to hand it back. “You’ve got to be joking. I... I destroyed all your wagons. Your possessions, your props, your books—I couldn’t possibly accept wages.”
Payne raised an eyebrow. “I know,” he said delicately, “It’s a bill.”
Agatha hefted the purse, which seemed heavier. “Ah. Yes, of course.”
Payne waved a hand. “Oh don’t worry about it right away. Who knows? Perhaps we’ll all become so fabulously rich from the new Heterodyne plays, that we won’t need it, eh?”
“New plays?”
“Don’t be naïve, my Lady. You’ll be the subject of new stories before Wulfenbach’s troops get their cook fires lit. We, at least, will be in a position of authority, for those that care about such things, and I promise you that we will devote as much care and respect to your tales as we do to the others.”
Agatha turned to Gunthar. “I’ve never been in a pie fight.”
He considered this. “Not yet,” he conceded, “but the night is young.”
Agatha turned back to Payne. “I’ll repay every pfennig. I swear.”
Payne looked shocked. “Why, I never thought otherwise.” That said, he again turned serious. “At the moment, you’re basically a good person, Agatha. Try to stay a good person, but don’t let people take advantage of you. If you do, soon enough you won’t be a good person anymore, you’ll be a bad Heterodyne, and frankly, the world has had quite enough of them.”
With that he offered her his hand, she shook it, and with a swirl of his great coat, he swept off. It was only after he left that Agatha realized that there was a smaller purse in her hand, with a small tag which read: “This, on the other hand, is a gift.”
I wonder how he did that, she thought.
With Payne and his wife gone, the rest of the circus approached, and there was much hugging, and crying, and a great many questions about the Heterodynes and her life.
Agatha had thought that the others would be shy because of who she was, but soon realized that these were people who, on stage at least, hobnobbed nightly with figures of legend. To them, at least, she was still Agatha Clay.
All too soon, the landing gongs sounded, and Agatha, Zeetha, Krosp, Ardsley and the three Jägers were escorted to one of the launch bays. There they found several fully loaded horses, and a change of clothes.
“The horses are a surprise,” Zeetha commented as she changed.
“They’re good ones. Officer grade,” Professor Moonsock said as she finished tightening the final saddle.” You should be able to get ten gold Pax-Guilders each when you sell them. Don’t settle for less than five, or they’ll think they’re stolen.”
“But they are—”
“—But you don’t want people to know it!”
At last all the preparations were complete. The airship set down rather bumpily in a deserted field near a dilapidated farm house.
The bay door was rolled up and the Jägers leapt out and watched, as two of the roustabouts slid the ramp out and dropped it down with a dull clong.
A final round of embraces and goodbyes, and the three horses clopped down the ramp and began cropping the long grass as the four watched the ship close up.
Ognian took a deep breath of the crisp morning air and whooped. “Schmells like home, brodders!” The other two Jägers grinned. They all gave Agatha a slight bow, and trotted off to scout on down the road.
The ramp was slid back into place. The doors were rolled closed. The engines revved, the running lights of the airship blinked three times in salute, and it rose slowly into the sky. The figures waving from the windows rapidly dwindled and quickly became unrecognizable. Once airborne, the ship turned and headed off, away from the rising sun.
Part of Agatha felt that she should sit and watch it until it vanished from sight. She shook her head and sighed. They did that sort of thing in stories.
She pulled her horse around. The road into Mechanicsburg wasn’t far. Zeetha and Wooster waited for her to take the lead.
Agatha sat up straight and touched the horse’s flanks with her heels. She was a Heterodyne, and she was going home.
NOTES
1
As any serious student of the life of Agatha Heterodyne must be aware of by now, hard facts about things like geography are frustratingly difficult to nail down. As far as we have been able to ascertain, the mountains referred to here were probably part of The Balkans, but could easily have been part of the Transylvanian Alps. All we know for sure is that they were flat on the bottom, pointed on the top, and had ears.
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2
See our previous textbook, which, due to unfortunate market forces is entitled Agatha H and the Airship City. We had suggested The Life of Agatha Heterodyne; Part One—Leaving the University. An Examination of the Causes and Tribulations Leading to the Restoration of the House of Heterodyne, A Reexamination of the Storm King Mythos and Some Clues as to the Underlying Troubles Within the Political Structure of the Wulfenbach Empire. We will concede that this was a bit dry. However we were able to prevent it from being titled Agatha’s Electrifying Orbs of Scientific Seduction! So we must take our victories where we can.
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3
Othar Tryggvassen, self-styled Gentleman Adventurer, was an important figure in the life of Agatha Heterodyne. Obviously overly influenced by the legends of The Heterodyne Boys, he was, at this time, an adventuring do-gooder. Unknown to most people, he was determined to eradicate all Sparks, as he was convinced that they were the source of all the evil and madness in the world. This was an attractive theory, and even most Sparks had to admit that he had a point, in his own tiresome way. This task was complicated by the fact that Othar was, himself, a very strong Spark. It is hypothesized that a young Othar had something to do with the eradication of the city of Oslo, which would explain a lot of the evident guilt and self-loathing. However, Othar had resolved this inner dichotomy to his own satisfaction by declaring that once he had destroyed all the other Sparks, he would finish the job by killing himself. As far as Sparks go, this is actually a fairly well thought out plan.
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4
The town of Mechanicsburg, the traditional home of the Heterodyne family, sits upon a large fossil deposit. The most ubiquitous of these are indeed, trilobites. The trilobite appears in the city’s coat-of-arms, is a popular and traditional shape for seasonal baked goods—most notably the gingerbread, and is usually the perfect size to slip into an old sock for use upon the odd, unsuspecting tourist.
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5
This is one of those instances where legends are surprisingly accurate. Castle Wulfenbach was a gigantic airship, close to a kilometer in length, that, at this time served as the de facto capital of the Wulfenbach Empire—and the heart of the Pax Transylvania. Subsequent stories have tried to downsize this structure, but the evidence for its existence is incontrovertible. Thousands of personnel lived onboard, and many of them had not touched the ground in years.
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6
It was commonplace in Europa for professional entertainers to look down upon acts that displayed or utilized genuine artifacts of mad science without obfuscation. A talking cat act (for example) consisting of an actual cat—that actually spoke—would have been considered “cheating.” On the other hand, a talking cat disguised and billed as a “talking dog” would be greatly admired. It’s all about how you play the game.
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7<
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Heterodyne shows were a recent variation of the venerable tradition known as commedia dell’arte. Actors assumed various iconic roles, and while the plays themselves varied, the personalities of the main characters generally remained the same, and were well-known to the audience. Heterodyne stories were quite popular—so much so that many troupes came to specialize in them, and to bill themselves directly as “Heterodyne” shows. At the time that our story takes place, The Empire’s Department of Entertainments, Circuses, Carnivals, Traveling Shows and Smugglers estimated that there were over a hundred and twenty such shows, though surely few were as elaborate as Master Payne’s Circus of Adventure.
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8
While slavery was not tolerated within the Wulfenbach Empire, there were other lands, and other empires with no such rules. Also, it was a sad truth that certain unethical Sparks of the time paid quite handsomely for “laboratory volunteers” when they could get them...
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9
Zzxzm was easily one of the Heterodyne Boys’ odder companions. The result of a laboratory accident involving an experimental compass and an unattended lightning generator, he eventually retired to the North Pole.
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10
There are many who question why as tightly a regulated government as the Pax Transylvania allowed a wild card like Othar Tryggvassen the freedom to meddle as extensively as he did for as long as he did. The simple answer, gleaned from newly unearthed records, suggest that Klaus, who hated wasting resources, human or otherwise, made use of him. It is no secret that there were many Sparks who utilized their own people as experimental subjects. Sometimes with horrifying results. The problem was that legally as long as a Spark did not attack anyone outside their own borders, the Empire could not interfere with a kingdom’s internal affairs. Thus it now appears that Klaus’ own agents steered Othar toward situations where he would be useful. The reason he was arrested was that he had begun to successfully eliminate some of the Empire’s more useful Sparks. The arrest had to be made in secret, due to his popularity with the general public. Officially arresting Othar would have been a public relations disaster.
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11
Castle Heterodyne, located in Mechanicsburg, the home of the Heterodyne family was, at this period, being used as a punishment detail for Sparks and other troublesome people that the Empire wanted to get rid of. In this, it did a superlative job. Further details will be revealed in future volumes. Honest.
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12
Bangladesh DuPree was one of Klaus’ more flamboyant employees. She was a former air pirate, a deposed princess, and a cheerful homicidal maniac. By any rights, she should have been jailed or executed. However, as has been said before, Klaus hated to waste potential resources, and whereas DuPree wasn’t the most dangerous monster on his payroll, she was one of the most terrifying.
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13
Both Bangladesh and Gilgamesh would have been distressed to read the field reports that assessed the two of them as being an excellent team. It had certainly kept the Baron from sleeping for several nights.
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14
By now, the keen student of Spark history will be asking, “Is this the same Count Leovanovitch Pieotre Rasmussin who was responsible for the destruction of the Royal Palace of St. Petersburg through the cunning use of excessive syncopated dancing, which caused a resonance disaster after the Tsar seduced his wife, Zolenka? The answer is, we don’t know. But it wouldn’t surprise us.
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15
The Spark in question, one Hugo Von Bode, had enjoyed sending his creations out on random voyages of chaos and destruction “Just to keep things from getting boring!” Klaus had taken some pains to ensure that his last minutes had been anything but.
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16
Boris Vasily Konstantin Andrei Myshkin Dolokhov was one of the most fascinating of Baron Wulfenbach’s inner circle. The Baron had rescued him from slavery and Boris repaid him with a lifetime of loyalty. Although he frequently assumed total control of the Empire when the Baron was injured or indisposed, he never seems to have been tempted to exploit this power for his own ends. He simply took joy in things functioning smoothly and efficiently. By all accounts, he was reckoned the most boring man in the Empire.
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17
Lilith, Agatha’s foster mother, had been an exuberant proponent of the preserving, canning, drying and pickling of various fruits and vegetables. Agatha had once complained that this might make sense if the Clays managed a farm, but in fact, they lived in town, and all of the produce they processed was purchased from local green-grocers. Lilith had said nothing at the time, but that night, Agatha awakened and discovered that, after midnight, her parents’ forge served as a gathering place for constructs she had never seen before. These were twisted, bizarre creations. Things that could never feel comfortable out in public, despite the Baron’s laws enforcing tolerance. They labored in the many unseen jobs offered by the University. Despite their often horrific appearance, Agatha found them to be intelligent, well-read, and urbane, in their own strange way. It was these creatures who received the bulk of the preserved food. The Clays always refused direct payment, but Agatha now understood the source of the many odd and useful things that appeared overnight upon the Clay’s doorstep.
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18
Then, as now, Paris has always been a safe guess when outlandish or bizarre fashion is the topic.
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19
Historically, the construct, Punch, had been one of the Heterodyne Boys’ constant companions, along with his wife, Judy. In the Heterodyne plays, Punch was portrayed as an oafish, freakishly strong clown. This greatly annoyed Agatha’s foster-father, Adam, who had in fact, been Punch, before he changed his name.
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20
Professional traveling entertainers were expected to be able to sing, dance, juggle, tell jokes, and play several musical instruments. In addition, they were supposed to have some secondary side-show skill, such as knife throwing, fire eating, acrobatics, or being short. At any given time they had to be able to memorize enough material that the circus could perform two full shows, in excess of two hours, every day, for two weeks without repeating anything. Proficiency with weapons was also considered a plus. To join a quality show such as Master Payne’s, one would also need some non-entertainment skill that would be useful to the troupe, such as brewing, mycology, or picking pockets. But hey, it beat working.
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21
The language of the Geisterdamen, developing as it did without any Indo-European influences, has always been a thing of unfamiliar cadences and bizarre word structure. To recreate the sense of confusion and unfamiliarity that the linguistically cosmopolitan Lady Heterodyne must have experienced the first time she heard it, we have helpfully rendered all of the Geisterdamen’s dialogue as gibberish.
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22
It is true that most madboy devices are built for purely utilitarian purposes: I want to go faster; How can one person stack all of these starfish; I will gain the respect of my peers if I can turn this entire town into ham, and so on. But there are some things that burst forth from their creator’s brain simply because they want to make the world more aesthetically pleasing. So what if it doesn’t help one conquer the world? It looks awesome. It’s Art.
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23
This sort of historical revisionism is quite common amongst entertainers. If something amazing or terrible happens to them out in the wilderness, then by golly, when it gets told to the paying customers, it’s going to have a satisfying conclusion. It’s analogous to writing a business loss off on one’s taxes.
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24
The troupe’s dressmaker, Organza Fifield, had once won a bet by visually deducing th
e correct clothing sizes of an unfamiliar group of men who had, at the time, been dressed respectively, as an armored knight, a monk, a construct with three arms, and a pantomime horse.
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25
In the Transylvanian region, Saint Nikkolaus is known as a benevolent Spark who has learned how to bend time and space in such a way that he can deliver presents to good children everywhere in one night. His companion, Blank Peter, is a construct, who does all the heavy lifting. So onerous is this job, that Blank Peter actually wears out from the strain (cookies depicting him are a holiday favorite, and small children take a sadistic joy in “nibbling Blank Peter Down.”). Jolly old St. Nikkolaus then selects several “Bad Children,” takes them back home to Spain and uses them to create anew Blank Peter. Thus the Christmas season continues to be a time of both joy and terror, as it should be.
