by Maya Rossi
“You’re afraid the same thing will happen to you if you attend school,” he said gently.
“Does it matter?” I snapped, on the verge of tears. “I look exactly like mom. Maybe we’re the same.” I drew in a deep breath, struggling to find my composure. “I have to go.”
There was a brief silence as he watched me gather my things. I hesitated. This had to be the last time I would see him. He made think of things I shouldn’t.
“You can use the restroom to freshen up,” he offered.
“It doesn’t matter--”
“Stop.” When I glared, he changed tack. “If your Madam sees you like this?”
Even if I was just going from here to Benita’s school, I raced to the bathroom. I washed my face. Then I spent too much time staring into the mirror, studying the scars. I fingered the biggest of the mangled flesh. Merrick knocked on the door and I dropped my hand too fast. It caught on the edge of the sink.
I cried out.
“Everything alright?” he called through the door.
“Go away,” I snapped, angry with myself. I caught my scars in the mirror, realized he had never once stared at them, like he never noticed them at all. I smacked the side of the skin with my palm. “I shouldn’t have told him those things,” I whispered.
“Did you say something?”
“Go away!”
“Calm down, I’m going.”
“What was I thinking?” I washed my face again, took deep breaths and forced myself out of the restroom. Outside the door, I stumbled to a stop. Merrick straightened from his slouch against the wall.
I shifted from one foot to the other, feeling the weight of his reprimand. “What?”
He handed me a glass of water wordlessly.
Keeping a wary eye on him, I drank.
When I was done, he held out his hand. But it went against everything I was to let him serve me. Not like this. I shook my head and prepared to walk past him, but he held me back with a hand curled around my upper arm.
“You regret telling me those things.”
I snatched my arm away, annoyed by his confidence. “You just stand there looking, looking… handsome,” I spat. His face brightened. “And put together and confident and you ask questions and you make me feel like shit.” His face fell.
“I meant what I said, I want you to stay away from me.”
His gaze darkened, and he took a threatening step forward. I ducked, and he stopped. He continued evenly, “We’re friends. You said so.”
I chewed my lips. “I don’t--”
“You said it, you don’t get to take it back.”
A moan slipped out of me. He cursed and backed away. “I’m sorry for making you feel like shit.”
“It doesn’t matter.”
“Maybe it doesn’t matter to you, but it does to me. Forgive me?”
I watched him warily. Why was he doing this? Why won’t he just walk away, look away like everyone else?
I eyed the door anxiously. I shouldn’t have taken the offer to freshen up. I didn’t make up, not even powder. There was nothing to freshen up. The truth? I wanted to be around him, listen to him talk, stay around him. Be close to him. The thought scared me.
He pushed his hands into his front pockets and hunched his shoulders, rocking back and forth. He seemed so vulnerable. It reminded me of how the boys at the orphanage folded when the punishment was doled out.
It wasn’t possible that someone like Merrick could have suffered like that.
No.
“I’m dyslexic.”
I swallowed my shame, pushing it back to where it wouldn’t hurt. “What does that mean?” I asked hoarsely.
“It’s… it’s a disability, a learning disability,” he forced out. He was pale, his skin a shade below the standard for good health. But he persevered. “I can’t read and write, as a child.”
That book, the scrawl, the scribbles. It explained so much. “What’s it like? You didn’t, couldn’t go to school, like me?”
He laughed mirthlessly. “No.” His voice turned bitter. “I had the best teachers money could buy. I had everything.”
“Is it like being mad?”
He laughed again, but this time it had color. It was one of relief. “Yes, something like that.”
“Oh.”
“So we can feel like shit together.”
Only I didn’t feel like shit. I didn’t know how I felt, I couldn’t explain it. I just didn’t like it. I ducked my head. “I have to go.”
“One thing.”
“No.”
He came close. My breath came faster. “Just one.”
“Please.”
“I will say it, anyway. How will you help those women if you don’t try? I bet there are people in your life who tried to get you here.”
Tears flowed down my cheeks. “Stay away from me.”
He clenched his fist at his side and leaned close. “What happens when you come back?”
I wiggled between him and the wall and ran off.
The parents teachers' meeting flew by my ears. NK kept giving me worried looks. I ignored her. It didn’t matter what Merrick had told her. It truly didn’t.
After the meeting, I escaped. But Benita called me back. She looked irritated. I thought what Blessing suffered would change her. But she had somehow gotten more obnoxious.
“Where are you rushing off to?” she asked.
“The shop,” I mumbled.
“Are you sick? You don’t look like yourself.”
That was Benita. She wasn’t really bad. But I felt too raw and exhausted. Like when Madam Gold had us flogged, and the cuts were fresh and bleeding. I wanted a hole to hide in, to lick my wounds in peace.
“No, I’m fine. What do you need?”
She did something unlike her, dancing in place. “Mom called. My brother is coming home--”
“You have a brother?”
Her features tightened in fury. “You’re just a maid, it’s not your business to know anything.”
“Yes,” I agreed quickly.
“I need a Bakare gown, new shoes and wristwatch.” She shimmied. “We’re going to parteyyy!”
I forced an appropriate response. I had never talked about mom to anyone, not even the girls. Wooden, exhausted and resigned, I made my way to the school gates. I staggered through the gate man’s room, dizzy and light on my feet. Someone grabbed me, and pushed to the nearest bench.
“What’s wrong with you?”
I closed and opened my eyes, bringing the gate man into focus. The gate man shone a torch in my face. “Are you pregnant?”
My head lolled like a doll’s on my neck. I rested my head against the wall, breathing a sigh of relief when the world stopped spinning. Almost immediately, rough hands shook me awake. I groaned groggily.
“Fuck, Ada. What have you done to yourself?”
I focused on Joy, even more confused. “Madam says you shouldn’t come to our house--”
“We’re in the school, dammit. Did you give her anything you useless man?”
“Hey,” the gateman was indignant, “you don’t talk to your elders like that--”
“Elder my ass.” Another rough shake. “Ada, look at me. Did something happen? Hey, get me a glass of water--”
“I’m not your maid, if--”
“Shut up and get me a glass of water or I leave her to die here in your office!”
I moaned and turned my head away as a plastic cup filled with water was pushed against my lips. Some of it spilled over my jaw and down my chest. The coolness jolted me to reality than nothing else could have.
I recalled something else. “I have to go to the Island, get some things for Benita.”
“Forget Benita,” Joy snapped. “Drink first.”
Obediently, I drank. Slowly, then greedily. The water was cool and exactly what I needed. Until Joy pulled the cup away. At my moan of protest, Joy relented and gave me a little more.
“That’s enough.” She propped
her hand on her hips. “You can’t go to the Island, not like this.”
I rolled my eyes. “You talk as if you don’t know, like I have a choice.”
Joy nodded and held out her hand. “Can you walk?”
I tried to stand and staggered back down. “Just give me a minute, and more water, I will be fine.”
“I would have helped but my Oga is not home.” She sat beside me on the bench. “What are you going to the Island for, anyway? Go to this nearest market instead.”
“Benita said their brother is coming home. They will throw a party and everything. She needs new clothes.”
“You will still cook for a party? That’s murder my— wait. Who has a brother?”
I laughed mirthlessly. “She said her brother is coming home.”
“Hmmm,” Joy murmured.
I poked her thigh. “That’s all you’ll say?”
She shrugged. “You’re a fool.”
Tipping my head back against the wall, I let out a ragged sigh. “Now, I wish you would just keep quiet.”
“You feel betrayed that your Madam kept a secret from you. Who do you think you are?”
“We don’t keep secrets, not like this.”
She grabbed my hand and jerked me roughly to my feet. She waved the gate man goodbye, thanked him for the water and dragged me outside. Then she turned on me. “You have a great Madam, a nice woman. Don’t fuck it up. Secrets, my ass.”
Joy opened her handbag and pushed some money into my hand. “Don’t take public transport--”
“I have to get home first, get things ready--”
“Then go, you don’t have much time.”
“Thank you--”
She made a face. “I didn’t see you at that party but I’m not complaining. Go.”
At the house, I moved quickly. I washed the tomatoes and the meat. I had added the ingredients and covered it when I heard a thump from upstairs. Madam was at the shop. Benita was at school, and Oga was still at work. There should be no one home.
My heart thumped in fear. I grabbed a knife as footfalls began descending the stairs. Every line of my body tensed, breath held, I waited. Then Oga appeared at the head of the stairs. I went to my knees.
“Good af--”
“Come.”
I jerked my head up in surprise. But he was already moving quickly up the stairs. I ran to the kitchen, put off the gas and followed. At his bedroom, I stood by the door. The fancy clock above the bed read one-forty-two. If I would get to the Island and back in time to cook. I had to leave now.
What could he want?
“Sir?” I called.
Something landed by my feet. Gold and green, the material glittered. It was probably the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. Then Oga appeared. He had on a white singlet and his favorite green shorts.
Puzzled, I looked from the material to Oga. “Sir?”
“What is sir, sir, sir? Put it on.”
I picked it up, held it out. It was a scrap of material, nothing more. “Sir--”
“On your face.”
My fingers shook as I put it on, panic cramping the muscles of my hands until it hurt. It was a face mask with holes for eyes and ropes to be worn over the ears. When I was done, I stood breathless and trembling.
“Come here.”
I moved. When his hands went to my back zip, I jerked. He slapped me hard across the face. My eyes smarted, my chin wobbled. I breathed deeply.
“Madam--”
“Should I tell her you seduced me?”
I flinched. “N—no.”
Slowly, he removed my dress. Then my underwear. When I was clad in nothing but the mask, he took out a camera and filmed. Inside, I quaked and crumbled. But I stayed still. I could see Madam Gold, her long wiry cane. The wetness in her eyes and the warmth of her smile.
I stayed still.
Never disobey, she said.
I stayed still.
“Come.”
A hard slap across the cheek brought me back from the Orphanage to the room where my Oga waited, eyes glinting in fury.
“Are you deaf?”
I forced my mouth to work. “N-no, sir.”
“Then come.”
On the bed, he arranged me to his liking. He toyed with my breasts, twisting and pinching the nipples. He had a thing for my navel, poking at the small hole. Stabbing at it until water came to my eyes.
Finally, he spread my legs open. The stabbing and poking continued. He took out the camera, filmed some more. In a rough voice, he ordered me to turn this way and that. Then he made me turn over, opened my buttocks, stared at my asshole for a long time.
Then he sighed.
“Get out.”
I was at the door when he called, “Wait. Bring the mask.”
I handed it over.
“Move to the wall, spread your legs... yeah, like that… open your arms… hmmm, no, turn around… stop… yeah. That’s enough.” He clicked the camera shut and place it on the dresser. “Go downstairs, make me something.” He yawned. “Anything.”
“Yes, sir.” I bent to grab my clothes, conscious of his eyes on my body.
“Stop, leave those there. I want it naked.”
“Y-yes sir.”
I walked down the stairs. In the kitchen, the house phone rang. Goosebumps popped all over my skin. I stared and stared until it stopped ringing. My breath came quickly, harsh and loud in the overbearing silence of the house.
The phone began ringing again.
With clammy fingers, I answered. “Hello.”
“Adam.”
My Ada.
“How are you?”
My muscles, my body chose that moment to betray me. I trembled. “I’m fine.”
“Are you sure? You sound somehow.”
“Yes, ma.”
“How did the meeting go, anything I should know?”
“No, ma. It was just routine.”
“That’s even better because there’s no time. I have a pleasant surprise for you. I’m expecting visitors--- are you sure you aren’t tired?”
“No, I’m fine.”
“Should I hire someone to cook so you serve?”
I forced my eyes closed and admitted in a low voice. “Yes.”
She was silent for a second. When I was about to take the yes back, she said, “That means you’re exhausted. Let me guess, Benita asked you to get something from the Island.”
“Yes, but it’s no big deal--”
“That girl. Go now, but don’t take public transport. Come to the shop and I will give you more money. When you get there, ask whoever is in charge for their numbers. Maybe next time they can deliver to the house instead of having you touring Lagos.”
“Yes, ma.”
“Is my husband around?”
My breath stuttered in my lungs.
“Ada? Is my husband back from work?”
I pulled in a steadying breath. The phone beeped with an incoming call. I took the phone from my ear to check the screen. Oga. “Yes, ma. He’s calling right now.”
“OK. I will leave you to it.”
I took Oga’s call. “Sir?”
“Akara and pap.”
Whoever Madam hired could not find me naked preparing Oga’s food. I decided to pound the chaff out of the beans rather than leaving it to soak. In record time, I ground the beans, put water to boil for the pap and began frying.
I served the food and walked the stairs naked. At Oga’s door, I propped the food with one hand and knocked. There was shuffling and muttering inside.
“Come in.”
I pushed the door open and walked in, eyes aimed somewhere on the plate. It was when I looked up to see if he wanted anything else; I found myself staring directly into the camera.
“Go.”
Halfway down the stairs, I heard the knock on the gate and cursed. The woman was here. I ran back up the stairs and grabbed Benita’s robe off the hook of her bathroom door. If she found out, she was going to kill me.
