“This is why Matsuda is so certain about who my parents are.”
“Indeed.”
Process this, Sanaa. It’s a lie. Most of my life has been a lie. How did this happen to me?
“Mark, this doesn’t explain why. Why would anyone want to kill my parents? Why did you do all of this shuffling around, hiding and protecting me?”
Sakai takes a deep breath and sighs.
“There’s another big secret here I haven’t told you yet. Let’s look at the tree.”
What now?
He zooms in on my parents’ portion of the tree. There I am, Hanako Itami, the only offspring of Junko Itami and Max Griffin. Only the line drawn between my two parents, linking them together forever, is dotted indicating they never married. I follow the chain back some fifteen generations with all the same linkages along the way. Whenever the only offspring was female that woman had never married. When the offspring were two females, the first born female had also never married. Only male offspring had ever married. This is the most confusing family tree I have ever seen.
“My mother and father were never married, Mark,” I say, shock quieting my voice. Many people in Nishikyō never marry and have kids anyway. It is their right to do so or not. Some don’t like the idea of marriage at all, but my parents? I always believed they were married, but come to think of it, no one ever said anything either way. I have only ever assumed.
“Sanaa, your parents loved one another. Marriage just wasn’t available to them.”
“Why?” I feel like a four year old. Why, why, why? “Why is it none of the women in my family have ever married? Well, none of the first-born women.”
“If you follow your family tree back…” He picks up his tablet and scrolls the screen so I can trace back the branches. “You’ll find the answer.”
I watch him scroll further and further until, “There! There, I see it. Now I’m really going to be sick.”
On the screen is a name I recognize from my history books, Emperor Naruhito, the Emperor of Japan. The emperor who only had one daughter, Aiko. Other names on the tree I’m familiar with, but that time in history was turbulent and almost all of the royal lines were decimated by war and disease before the Environmental Decline.
Sakai rubs my back because I’ve put my head between my knees again. “There still exists a law, Sanaa, that in order for the royal family line to be preserved, female offspring may not marry unless it’s to other royalty. If she marries a commoner, she loses all claim to the throne. History has been cruel to the Kiku line…”
“Kiku? What is that? This is not the first time I’m hearing it.” I can’t raise my head. I am paralyzed.
“Kiku is a flower, the chrysanthemum, which is the royal seal of Japan.”
Now I know why kiku had no prior meaning. Who in Nishikyō sees many fresh flowers or knows their names? Only a few.
“The Kiku line all but completely died out right before the Environmental Decline, and most of the noble clans associated with the throne were barren as well. But, as you can see here…” He scrolls down a little on the tree. “Eventually a male line is established that lasts five generations. The line trended female again afterward, and they stopped marrying, just worked on producing heirs.”
“This makes no sense to me, Mark. What does marriage have to do with anything if they were having babies with anyone they wanted?”
“Unfortunately, it’s not meant to make sense, and let’s face it, imperial lineage was the last thing on anyone’s mind when the entire human race was dying out. But the law’s the law. All of these women in your line chose not to marry so they could keep the tradition alive. So no one could ever deny they were the true heir to the Chrysanthemum throne.”
Silence simmers between us for a solid minute as I replay Sakai’s entire explanation in my head, and my eyes search the family tree hoping a mistake appears to get me out of this mess.
“Huh.”
Sakai raises his eyebrows at me. “Is that all you can say? Huh?”
“Mark, what the hell do you want me to say? You just told me a) that my real name is not Sanaa, it’s Hanako (and don’t ever call me that, by the way), b) that my parents were murdered, c) that I can never legally marry, and d) that I’m royalty. I’m genuinely shocked.”
I stare blankly at the screen, at the two little boxes that are supposed to be me. Sanaa Griffin and Hanako Itami. Who the hell am I?
“I don’t feel the least bit royal. In fact, I feel pretty damn common.”
He smiles though his eyes are heartbroken for me. “Regardless, you are what you are, and that is, quite frankly, a problem. We’re about to leave Nishikyō, leave Earth, and settle on Yūsei. If the powers-that-be have their way, a New Japan will flourish there, and you will be called upon by Sakai clan to lead. If your mother had been alive instead of you, she would have done it. She prepared her whole life for role as empress, but that’s not the case now. Our main problem is the other clans. If you’re eliminated, they will be able to fight until someone can rule. It’ll be the shōgunate all over again.”
My mother was prepared to give her life away to this madness, but I feel nothing. Nothing. I could care less about any of this. When we get to Yūsei, I’ll pack up and go away. Let them have it.
“My clan has always served the Kiku line. We will continue to serve and protect you and your line until the end of time. I have done everything in my power to keep you safe. I will do it until the day I die, and Jiro will take the duties after me.”
I get up from my chair, break contact with him, and start pacing the room. I cannot sit and listen to this.
“Does Jiro even know? He doesn’t, does he? If he knew any of this, he would have told me.” I’ve lost faith in everything except Jiro right now.
“No,” Sakai says, his mouth twisting. “The secret has been kept from Jiro as well.”
What I really want this moment is to have a sword in my hand, to be standing next to Jiro and moving until my heart is racing and my body sweating.
“Mark, I’m numb. Never in a million years did I expect to hear this today.”
He gets up and stops me with a hug — a silent, strong hug — and I immediately feel guilty. If he knew of the treasonous thoughts going through my head, he’d probably kill me himself and save us all the problems.
“No, I don’t suspect you did. I’ve been meaning to tell you this for months, and each time I had the chance, I avoided the truth because I knew what it would do to you. I’m sorry.”
Stay or run?
“So now what? Aunt Kimie, my mother, everyone in my family has known this secret?”
He grabs my hand and holds it. “Go to Kimie. She can tell you more, I promise. Sanaa, you do realize you will never be able to marry? There are no more royal lines for you to marry into. This is the last branch on the tree.”
My head nods of its own accord. Sakai is making a big deal out of the smallest possible thing. Marriage? Who cares about that? My real name is not even Sanaa. My heart is so low, it’s practically in my stomach.
“But you can have a consort. Many, if you choose. I know you’re thinking of Jiro…”
I sit down and put my head back between my knees because I can no longer hold it up. What is Jiro going to say when he finds out all of this? Will something like this kill our relationship forever before it’s even started? He’s supposed to take over for Sakai one day, and this will come between us. Forget about any of my stupid insecurities. Being an empress is far more complicated than my own issues.
“All that matters is the line now,” Sakai says.
Taking a deep breath, I lift my eyes to the screen and my family tree with my little grayed-out box, my place in history. I should feel grand and unstoppable as the next ruler of New Japan, but instead I am small and insignificant.
Where is my confidence now?
Chapter
Twenty-Two
I ride the train back to Ku 9 in a daze. I guess I should be on alert, but I can’t snap
out of it. My real name is not even Sanaa. Not Sanaa. But I am Sanaa as much as I am Hanako. I remember the first time I sat in the theater with Sakai. He asked me if I knew what my name meant, and I’m crying again. Mark, I’m so sorry.
I take a deep breath and wipe my tears while ignoring the old woman staring at me from across the train.
An aunt I never knew, parents’ deaths not an accident, imperial lines, marriage… none of it makes any sense. It doesn’t feel real. In fact, the complete injustice of my own bloodline is making me increasingly angry by the minute. Losing my parents at a young age is just the beginning of what I’m in for. I hate when decisions are out of my hands. No one tells me what I can or can’t do.
Instead of stopping off at a restaurant to pick up food, I go directly home to my quiet and empty apartment. Aunt Lomo is at work in the transportation system, and, hopefully, Aunt Kimie has left for the entire day. Good. I don’t want to see either of them right now. I get out my tablet and type out a message to Jiro asking him to come over. Hopefully he’s not busy.
Numbness, anger, numbness, anger. I’m so angry I want to smash something! Then my mind goes numb. I sit on the couch, stare out into space, and cycle through these two emotions over and over until my stomach growls. I have to eat, so I channel all my energy into making some food. In the fridge are tofu and bean sprouts. Aunt Lomo has been to the market recently. I pan fry them up with tamari, onions, and oil. I’m a little too forceful with the tofu, though, and it falls apart. Serves it right.
My tablet pings as I’m putting the food on a plate. Jiro is close by on business and can be here in fifteen minutes. Perfect. I will eat, he’ll show up, and I’ll tell him everything. No use waiting. He’ll either be shocked and appalled or just shocked. I’m hoping for the latter.
When he arrives, I let him into the apartment, and the only thing I can do is look at him in silence. It didn’t take long, but I’m completely in love him. I don’t want to lose him. It’s too soon. He walks in and drops his bag on the couch, and when he removes his overcoat, his katana is strapped to his back. He’s been working again, out and about in the city, carrying his sword. It makes my blood race, and my anger over everything immediately turns to lust. I knew there were other emotions in me.
“Sanaa, what’s the matter? You’re so pale.”
I move to him quickly before he can say anything else, before I can say another word and spoil it all. I wrap my arms about his neck, and he kisses me in the same hungry way I’m kissing him. I run my hands down his back, grasp the sword, and pull it up off his body, breaking our kiss.
Distract. Don’t think of it.
“You were doing business close by?” I ask him, placing the katana on the couch with his bag. He nods his head. “But you’re free now?”
“Yes, love.”
My heart melts. Love. I want him now before he knows anything more about me. In an hour or two, everything will be changed between us.
“You’re free to be with me?” I unbutton my shirt and set it aside, willing my hands not to shake. I told him I’m built like a boy, but in past training sessions, I had noticed Jiro eyeing me, and it always made me blush. I don’t think he minds.
“Sanaa, I…” He’s trying not to smile. Our conversation from last night plays back in my head.
I kiss him again and unbutton his shirt. “I know you have no objections.” I toss his shirt on top of mine and take his hand leading him to my tiny bedroom. “You want to be with me as much as I want to be with you.”
“So soon, though? I thought this was a bit scandalous?” he asks, a smile finally gracing his serious face.
“Soon? There is nothing about this I haven’t wanted from the first moment I saw you.”
“You have the…” His hand reaches up and traces a small portion of my upper, inner left arm.
“Of course. Since I was twelve.” The implant in my arm makes it virtually impossible to get pregnant or have my period until it’s removed or turned off. Another way to cut back on resource usage in Nishikyō. I check it once a month, and it’s always working at one hundred percent.
“Sanaa, wait a second.” He stops me next to my bed and brings his hands to my face. Stop? I don’t want to stop. “What’s going on in your head?”
“Jiro? Later.”
“I just want to make sure…”
“Jiro, teach me. I want to learn,” I say with a smile. His eyes soften, and I’ve got him. I’m not even nervous. I’m cycling through numbness, anger, and lust… and love, but not nervousness.
“Something tells me I’m not going to have to teach you anything.”
I grab the waist of his pants and run my hand down over him before pulling off his undershirt. He kisses me, and unwinds the pin in my hair, letting it fall down around my shoulders. His hands reach in and weave through it, and holding my head back, he kisses me down my neck, starting under my ear, where he kissed me the first time.
I reach down and loosen my undershirt from the waist of my pants. His hands travel down my back and up over my stomach, coming to rest on my breasts as he gets lost in the motion of undressing me. I am weak, breathless, and shaking with fatigue. Much better than an hour ago.
Then I pull my undershirt off and knock Jiro squarely in the face.
“Ouch!” He clasps his face but is laughing, and I lay my head on his chest.
“Gomen,” I mumble against him, but when I look up he has already forgotten about it. He places his hands on my hips and starts up again with a light kiss I push progressively deeper.
I unbutton his pants, reaching in to touch him with my right hand, and bring my left hand around to his back. His breath draws in quickly, and he hardens as I press against him. I don’t think he was expecting that. I’m surprising us both. I linger there until he begins to moan and then push his pants to the floor.
Jiro takes his time unbuttoning my pants, and when he pulls my underwear down my legs, he stops to lay his lips on my navel and down along my hips. He stands to kiss me, his hand between my legs. I step out of my pants, and he lifts my right leg up placing it on the bed. I have to put my arms around his neck while kissing him because he is touching me and in me, and I swear I’m seeing stars; my head is light, almost nonexistent.
“Don’t stop,” is about all I get out before my breathing ceases. He is careful and attentive and, without expecting it, a rush of numbness shoots up my spine, an orgasm seizing my body in waves. I let out a groan so low and primal my knees start to give way, and he holds on to me with his other hand so I don’t fall over.
That’s it. That’s exactly what I wanted.
“Mmmm, there, love. I’ve been dying to do that to you.”
Jiro doesn’t stop, and I don’t want him to. I pull him down on my bed on top of me, and wrapping my legs around him press him close to me. I don’t want to be any further away from him, this connection with him. Like Jiro wanted, it’s just us.
Rocking myself back, I push against him and down, reaching around to grab his ass and run my feet down the length of his legs, past the backs of his knees, and over his calves. When he’s inside me, I catch my breath with a gasp, and he stops for the shortest moment before I moan underneath him. That made him smile.
“You’re mine, Sanaa.” Jiro grips the sides of my face, kissing me hard before thrusting into me again, and the strength of it sends tingles straight up my abdomen to my chest. “Mine. Say it.”
My soul is fractured in two. Half of me wants to hand myself over to Jiro, to the safety he can provide. The other half…
“You are mine,” I say back. This half desperately wants control.
My claim on him is a test. We’re way into each other, and he can go two ways. He can pull back and be offended, or he can be totally turned on.
Jiro pushes my arms above my head and holds them there. “I am.”
I raise my face to kiss him, our bodies moving together, and, just before he finishes, he holds his face close to mine.
Brea
the, Sanaa. My body is shaking uncontrollably. Jiro pulls out of me and reaches down to slide my covers up over us both, takes my face in his hands, and whispers, “Shhh,” into my ear before kissing me and calming my shivers.
The warmth and weight of his body are natural on top of mine. We fit together so perfectly. I slip my arms under his, placing my hands on his tattoos. Those tattoos I love so much, right after the streak in his hair that goes down to the roots. I rub my finger along his scalp there, and he closes his eyes and smiles.
“Command me, Sanaa.” I know he means it, even as he laughs and kisses from my jaw all the way up to my forehead. He strokes my cheek with his calloused thumb, skipping lightly over my chin, down my neck, to my chest. All those hours we’ve spent together fighting side-by-side, and this is what I’m going to remember the most — his soft touch.
“Again,” I say.
“Yes, again. This time for you.” The smile on his face is the sexiest thing I have ever seen. It already feels like we waited too long to get here. We need this time together however fleeting it will be. I nod before sliding my hands over his chest. His kisses make their way down my body, and with his hands on my hips, I spread my legs.
I will take what I can while there are still unspoken words between us.
Chapter
Twenty-Three
I have never been as content as I am after sex with Jiro. I’m so tired I could sink into the covers next to him and sleep the rest of my life away happily. To lay in my lover’s arms after sex is such a treat, one I’ve never had before. Neither Joshua nor Chad wanted to be intimate or talk afterward. They would use me and set me aside when they were done, like a three year old with an unloved toy. I rub my forehead against Jiro’s side to try and erase the memory. I’m going to need a lot of time to get rid of this one, though.
We lay together in bed for a while before getting up and dressed again. Jiro is kind enough to pull on his pants and retrieve our shirts from the living room. I’m glad we weren’t interrupted.
“I didn’t hurt you, Sanaa?” Jiro asks, his eyes falling to my wrists as he watches me search the floor for my undershirt. I’m very comfortable in my own skin around him. I never thought I would let a boy look at me like this but it’s surprisingly easy with him.
Nebula Nights: Love Among The Stars Page 29
