He sat up in his bed in a cold sweat. He forced himself to dismiss that thought. That was a dangerous thought. No matter how close, love was not an option on this field, in this war. He knew she could take care of herself. She’d proven it over and again. She’d be fine. He finally sought out some medicine to help him sleep, and just barely made it back to his quarters before falling back to sleep. Even through a medicated sleep, the underlying emotions lingered.
~*~
When alpha shift came on duty, the kitchen was in perfect order and Kala was physically exhausted. She meandered her way back to her quarters, and collapsed on her couch for a few hours of sleep before she was called to tend to her next assignment. When she woke, she was called to the medical facility, where she tended to the cleanup behind several minor procedures.
Once complete, she was sent to check on the stasis unit, and to make sure there were no leaks of the toxin from Palrion’s body. When she was certain he was still in a slowed metabolic state she reported this to the CMO. Once the doctor was satisfied, she was dismissed. The next place she was required to be, was the one place she dreaded the thought of. Her stomach tied in knots, as she made her way to the captain’s quarters to deal with what was to come.
She entered the room and found him sitting at the desk. She looked at him, and with disdain in her voice, she said, “Reporting as ordered.”
He leered up at her, and grinned. “Good. Take that uniform jacket off. I may not be ready to be serviced, but that’s much too stuffy for in here.”
Kala complied, and placed it on the back of the chair. Something shifted around her. The crew’s anxiety levels increased rapidly, and her focus changed. “There’s a problem,” she mumbled under her breath.
“What is it, girl?” He gruffly interrupted her thoughts. “And where is your collar?”
“In my quarters, and Ven. They are here.” She continued to listen. “Tangl’s ordered a battle formation with the Enpassant in the rear. That makes no sense.” She continued to sense the discomfort among the crew, and the intensity that each one felt. “We’re going to battle. I need to be doing something. I can’t be in here… I need to be fighting.” She began to pace.
Yatrell telepathically initiated a link with her as she moved about.
~Not now Yatrell. We’re about to engage …mul..ti..ple… enemies~ Her projection came with a new revelation for her. One she wasn’t expecting.
~Kala, what’s happening?~ His voice was full of concern, and he suddenly realized, fear. ~Kala, what is going on there?~ He urged her to tell him, his hearts lodged in his throat as he did.
~I’m stuck in the captain’s quarters with her mate while the fleet is neglecting the ability and flexibility of my team to engage, not one, but two enemies that will overwhelm this fleet.~ Frustrated Kala continued to listen to the minds of the people around her.
~Are you protecting him?~ He hated approaching the topic, but he couldn’t shake the conversation from the previous day.
~No. He still thinks that at some point, he’ll bed me. I, however, have other concerns.~
She visibly winced and her thoughts were interrupted by the master’s mate wanting to know why she did so. “Because the Xentue are engaging both us, and the Ven. Because the Ven are focused on this fleet, and because your spouse is about to cause the death of many. And because this fleet just lost another ship. Not to the Xentue, but to the Ven. Four hundred lives were just extinguished because of Tangl’s inability to trust my kind of people.” As she spoke, her frustration regarding this situation grew. Her hearts longed to find a way to end this quickly, and she realized what needed to be done.
~Kala…~ Yatrell trailed off, he wasn’t sure what to say. He was uncomfortable with the emotions, and ideas that were running through his mind. The only thing he was certain of, was that he wanted to help her if he could.
~Yatrell, she’s just cost us four hundred lives. There may be a survivor or two out of four hundred. I can’t sit here, and let this happen.~ Kala became more assertive as she paced, experiencing the emotions and thoughts around her. ~I can do something about this.~
~Kala, what can you do? If your Fleet Commander won’t listen how can you help?~
~I have to try, Yatrell. I have to reach out. I have to try or we’re all going to be Ven experiments or worse. ~
Kala stopped in her tracks. Her master’s husband approached her, as the ship shook from weapons fire. He was tossed to the ground. She steadied herself, and looked down at the man. “You need to remain where you will be safest, and this is it. I’ll return upon the first opportunity.”
He didn’t argue or try to stop her when she left the room. She walked to the nearest weapon supply, and prepared for potential Ven boarding party. As she did, she telepathically reached out to those on the Enpassant.
~Kala, I’m sorry. I should never have…. There is so much going on here. I… I’m sorry. Am I able to help? Please tell me how.~ Yatrell’s projection shook with fear for her.
This was something he had always fought not to experience for anyone. Now, for a woman who’s face he’d only seen as a projection, he was overcome by it. Until this moment, he practiced denying what he felt. Before this moment, he believed he was safe doing so. Things changed when he could hear the danger she was in, and when she approached him for help. He could no longer deny how much his hearts ached for her.
Kala then took a deep breath and projected back to him. ~I know, I forgive you. And there is nothing you can do, it’s time I took care of what I know I can.~ With that, she did the last thing she had to. ~Yatrell, it’s time for you to go. I can’t have you hear what I’m about to do. Please stay safe, and I’ll reach you the very first chance I get to. I promise.~
She pushed him forcefully out of her mind, and erected the kind of barriers she knew he couldn’t overcome without injury.
Chapter 18
Yatrell desperately tried to reconnect to Kala but he failed with every attempt. Frustrated and afraid for her, he moved out of his office, and through the halls of the new Dentonian war ship. He acknowledged every crewman that he passed. He looked away from most as soon as he was able. Every step he took, felt like he was running from something, or maybe to something. He wasn’t sure which, but he wasn’t able to shake the helpless feeling he was experiencing.
Every day since he had arrived on the training ship, at fourteen, was spent surviving. It was through combat, loss, and survival that he had come to be surrounded by those he respected. They understood the pleasures that came in victory, and the anguish of retreat. All of his most comfortable connections, even Samuel Rex, were made because he fought and won. He didn’t have time for distractions, and struggled desperately against what had developed over the course of years talking with Kala. His unique connection with her became his solace among chaos, and his comfort through anguish.
By the time he arrived in the shuttle bay, his thoughts were replaying every moment of the last two conversations with her.
How could he have said that to her? Why did he? Why didn’t he listen to her pleas for help?
He couldn’t focus on anything besides her. He walked to the shuttle Rex left to him, and knocked on the outside door. The large Xentue man opened it, and Yatrell stepped inside. He didn’t know why he was there, and when Brax attempted to speak with him, he dismissed this distraction as a break from his new position.
For now, Brax accepted his response, but only out of respect. He could hear how Yatrell’s thoughts raced and focused on one person. He knew that Yatrell was agonizing. Brax quietly watched his friend pace, and move haphazardly through the shuttle, fixing this or that without focus, all in a futile attempt to distract his mind. The communications system paged the captain to the bridge, and Yatrell was gone, as quickly as he came, much to Brax’s relief.
He crossed the ship, still unable to thoroughly calm his mind. His every thought drew him back to Kala. No matter what he did, or forced himself to think, his thoughts came back to her
. He moved off the lift to his chair, starting at it for a moment, perplexed.
“What do you need?”
Anara arched an eyebrow. “We have an incoming projection transmission from the Senate. You were not able to read that?”
“I’ve got a number of things on my mind right now, Commander.” He turned, and walked to his projection platform to activate it.
After waiting several moments, Senator Zukow appeared to be standing before him. The recorded message congratulated Yatrell on the new position, and wished him safe journey on to the edge of Ven space. Zukow also went on to say that he was the person who ordered the patrol because he was concerned they would return while the Dentonians were in rebuilding, and he didn’t want to be surprised. He indicated that he held the same confidence in Yatrell’s ability to lead that Rex had for him. He then wished him and the crew of the newly christened DSS Rexion a safe journey.
When the message finished its cycle, Yatrell turned on his heel, and looked at Anara. “Acknowledge the message and offer thanks on behalf of the crew.” He started to walk back to his quarters, and paused before he exited. “Notify me when we arrive at our designated coordinates to begin patrol.”
“Aye.” Anara acknowledged his orders and created the required response to send it back to the Senate.
Yatrell stepped into his quarters just off of the bridge, and hesitated his steps. He knew they shifted his crew to a new ship. They christened the new ship in memory of the captain, but the layout was still very eerie to him. He moved the large heavy chair that sat opposite the couch to a corner. He then moved the couch from the wall below the windows to a position facing them, before glancing in the direction of the new desk. More than anything else in this room, he wanted to move that desk, but it was bolted to the deck. Annoyed, he went into his bedroom instead, and spread out across the bed.
As Yatrell lay on the bed his mind drifted back to the conversations, and he tried, to reach out to Kala. Again, he was unsuccessful in the attempt. It had been a couple of hours. She promised to be in touch when she was able. He had to trust that. He knew she’d always reached out before when they agreed to touch base. He had to trust this time would be no different. Something was eating away at him over it. Nothing he did allowed him to push past the pit in his stomach.
He attempted to nap, hoping it would put him at ease when he woke, but sleep never came. Instead, he tossed, and turned for hours while his mind continued to dwell on her and on the situation. He feared the worst. When he finally stood, and found the chronometer in beta shift hours, he still had not heard from her. Grief started to set in.
The next day, his ship arrived at their designated patrol coordinates and he still hadn’t heard from Kala. As ordered they begin sensor sweeps, and sending regular reports to the Fleet Commander on patrol in this sector. He reached out for her again. He heard nothing. He sensed nothing but his own anxiety. Days passed with routine patrols and numerous attempts to reach Kala, each one was met with silence.
Before he realized it, months had passed. The borders were more often quiet than not. He had slowed his attempts to reach her to an occasional thought. Brax had spent time helping him hone his strength, but even with the additional training, he heard nothing from Kala. One night, as he and Brax sat in his quarters over dinner, Yatrell finally started to accept what he had struggled not to.
“I need to stop trying to get through. She was in a battle the last I heard from her, and she wasn’t sure it would go well. Xentue and Ven? There’s no way she’d have stayed quiet if she had survived that.”
Brax wanted to reassure him, but he had long since came to the same conclusion. “The clans can be relentless, and we have firsthand experience with the Ven.”
“Right. So did she.” Yatrell pushed the food around on his plate, unable to eat as had become his evening custom. “I wish you could have gotten to know her Brax. She came a long way from when she and I started talking. She impressed me with how much she stuck to her ideals, even with her enemies. It was such a change from what we get out here.” He forced himself to have a bite. “Her voice was the most amazing and comforting sound I’ve ever gotten to know. I still don’t understand her affect on me, but I miss it.”
“I’m sure she was as impressive as you know her to be. I can only assure you she was quite beautiful in person as you perceived her mind.” Brax recalled the moment she passed his cell on the Dentonian moon. Her eyes pierced through him the same as they often had when they were very small children in Ven care. “You need to take time to move on, Yatrell. Kala has been lost to us. You have others you can seek as a mate.”
“I’m not looking for a mate, Brax. I had the only person I should have wanted for one just die. I don’t want anyone else. I want Kala.” His expression was pained ,and his mind still searched for their connection to come alive, but it never did. “I should have told her. I let …” He couldn’t finish the statement. “She risked her life, and nearly died to save the Dentonian people….” He looked from the plate, and whispered, “To save me.”
Brax knew the pain that came from a lost love, first hand. He knew the pain Yatrell felt, yet he could not console him, and he selected not to try further. Instead he stood, and reminded him, “Captain, your crew needs you in the morning. Make sure to take the injection you were upgraded to so you experience proper sleep. You must quiet the mind in order to do so.”
Yatrell pushed the food around on his plate for several more moments. “Yeah. We’ll talk tomorrow.”
Once Brax exited, he pushed his food aside, and walked from the table to his bedroom. Inside the night stand was a drawer full of various syringes that the doctors had provided him so he could rest. He lifted one out, and jammed it into his arm. As usual, even with the medicinal aide, Yatrell found sleep difficult to reach. He stared at the ceiling for hours, trying to find a meditative focus that wasn’t Kala. When the medicine finally helped him fall asleep, it was a dreamless state, as it had been for months now.
Morning came much sooner than expected when Yatrell sat up in a cold sweat. He looked at his arms as if she should be there. He could feel his hearts pounding against his chest and his mind searched for what wasn’t there. Once again, there was no noise, no voice… no her. When he checked the time he realized it wasn’t near alpha shift. Frustrated he went into his kitchen area and found a rogue bottle of something to drink. He poured himself a shot, and then another. It didn’t calm the heartache or the feeling that she had been right there with him while he slept. Dead people don’t do that, so he ached to dismiss it. Finally feeling like he was at the end of all things sane, he called Anara up for a drink.
It wasn’t unusual when Yatrell couldn’t sleep to call on his friends to visit so Anara and the others thought nothing of it when she stepped away. Her perception of the situation changed when she entered his quarters. She could feel him in her head, clearly, actively but he said nothing. She could smell the drink on him, too. He looked ragged and shaken, and she became worried about him.
“Yatrell, what are you doing in my head?”
“Come here.” Yatrell was sitting on the chair at the dining table. When she walked over to the table he shook his head. “No, Anara, come … here.” He gestured to her to come near him. when she was in front of him, he took her hand and pulled her onto his lap. He wrapped his arms around her, and looked up into her face. “You want to do this still, don’t you?”
“Yatrell, you’re drunk.” She moved to pull away, but he held her firmly to him.
“It might be your only chance.”
He leaned up and kissed her tenderly, like he wished he could have Kala. When Anara returned the kiss he mind brought him back to reality. He stood, carrying Anara in his arms, and walked into the bedroom with her. After a few minutes of disrobing and hands roaming he took her, and then he took her again and again until he was so exhausted he couldn’t function further and they both collapsed in his bed.
As he rolled on his side and lo
oked at the wall, he realized he still couldn’t forget Kala. None of what he did pushed out the pain he was feeling because of her loss. Everything he needed, he found in her, and she was gone. His ache was constant since the last day they spoke. Their link had been painfully quiet and he couldn’t ignore it.
Unexpectedly, for a brief moment, the link they once shared felt alive again. When he focused enough to respond, it was gone. He ached further knowing it had to have been his mind fooling him as it had over the course of the last number of months. Anara wrapped her arms and legs around him, and he fought back the tears and guilt the riddled his mind and hearts. He laid there that night, staring at the wall. With everything he was, he struggled not to reach out to the dead woman that never left his mind.
When the early morning hours came, Anara gently kissed his neck and shoulders before getting out of the bed. She dressed and returned to her quarters with a smile unlike she’d known before. Something inside of her felt alive somehow. She shook it off, showered and dressed in a fresh uniform before she reported for shift. As she stepped onto the bridge, she was surprised to see Yatrell already there, working. The first thing that crossed her mind seeing him was, ’Well, I’ll have to wear you out better next time.’
He took her by surprise when he responded telepathically, ~We’ll see about that. ~
He continued working as if nothing was said between them. The day rolled by and shifts concluded. He had dinner in his room with Brax as usual. The conversation was mundane at best, and Yatrell’s mind was preoccupied as usual. When he stood to see Brax to the door, the proximity alert went off. Yatrell and Brax opened their minds and listened, in unison they looked at each other.
Nebula Nights: Love Among The Stars Page 139
