“Let him go,” Toru said. “I won’t press charges. I deserved it.”
“Damn right you did, you bastard.” Hideki pulled away when security let him go and stalked to the check-in counter to see what flights were leaving -- to anywhere. He needed to get out of here as soon as possible.
Chapter Twenty-Two
The woman at the counter hacked away at the keyboard. “There aren’t many flights departing within this short a time window, sir,” she pursed her lips. “And with the storm delay ...”
“I don’t care what it costs.” Hideki leaned both elbows on the countertop and rested his forehead in his hands. “Whatever it takes -- I need to get out of here. Please.”
“I can put you on standby for a flight to New Zealand.” She glanced up from the screen and gave him a sympathetic look. “It looks like there will be an opening in first class. It has a heavy upgrade charge, I’m afraid.”
“That’s fine.” Hideki swallowed the sour taste in his mouth. The thought of staying anywhere near this place and Toruhiko Nakai was too awful to even consider.
“Boarding will start in about thirty minutes.” The woman took the credit card he slid across the countertop and passed it through the scanner. “Enjoy your flight.”
Hideki pushed away from the airline service counter, too sick to his stomach to even say thank you.
He went to an empty seat in the corner of the boarding area and sank down. What a fool he’d been. What a damn fool. He had nothing anymore. Nothing.
“Sir? Is this bag yours?”
Hideki looked at the security guard who was near the check-in counter where Hideki had left his bag.
“Yes. I’m sorry.” He got up and went to retrieve his bag and couldn’t help but overhear two women behind the divider with the departing flight information.
“Emiko, you can’t get involved!”
“I have to.”
“You’ll get fired. Look, let’s just go the hotel. You can catch the first flight to Tokyo tomorrow.”
“I can’t, Janet. I know what Nakai-san did was wrong. It was a lie. I sat near him on the flight from Los Angeles. This was the thing he was going to Tokyo for. The hard thing he said he had to do no matter how much he would regret it.”
“Emiko, please. My shift is over. Let’s go. Come back to my apartment with me.”
“No. You go. I’ll stay in the employee lounge.”
“You won’t. You’ll interfere. I know it.”
“I have to, Janet. I just have to.”
One of the women exhaled a long, miserable sigh.
Hideki stood and stared. A blonde American employee came by, quickly averting her gaze from him. She was soon followed by a Japanese airline employee who stopped and stared at him. “May I ask you something?”
The woman nodded.
“You sat near Nakai-san on the flight from Los Angeles? You spoke with him?”
She nodded again. “I was their attendant when he and his band came over from Tokyo.”
“What did he say? I need to know.”
As the woman debated with herself, Hideki’s inner turmoil eased enough to let him remember what Sasao had said. “If you miss this chance because of him, he’ll never forgive himself.”
He’d been fired because of Toru -- because of his relationship with Toru. Did Toru feel responsible? Was there really “a bet”? Had he meant those ugly, horrible things he’d said? It couldn’t all have been an act, all the things Toru had said, the exquisite tenderness he’d shown in bed. Those couldn’t be the actions of a man just wanting to fuck a virgin.
“Tell me,” he said. “Tell me what Nakai-san said on the plane. I need to know everything.”
The attendant, Emiko, told Hideki of the conversation and how emotional Toru had been, how sad his voice was, how haunted and lifeless his eyes, as he spoke about sacrificing his happiness in the hope that him being clearly in the wrong would gain sympathy for Hideki.
“I’m sure if you press him, he’ll tell you the truth. He was crying when he left just now.”
“Where did he go?”
“I’m not sure. I think he went to the VIP lounge for a drink.”
“I have to find him.”
“You need a first class ticket to get in there.”
Hideki held up his. “But your flight will depart soon. You don’t have time.”
Hideki hurried away without answering.
Toru was slumped in a chair near the windows, absently scribbling on a napkin. He didn’t even bother to look up when Hideki called his name. “Don’t you know how to take a fucking hint, kid? Go away.”
Hideki took a deep breath, wanting very much to just hit the older man again out of sheer frustration as well as pain. “I talked with Emiko. That flight attendant you sat near on the flight from LA.”
“You believe whatever bullshit a fangirl tells you?”
“I believe what you tell me.”
Toru snorted in contempt. “If that was the case, you’d stop bothering me.” He glanced up a second, the sunglasses still in place from earlier, despite the dim lighting of the lounge. “Do I need to file anti-stalking papers on your ass?”
“Look at me, Toru.”
“Fuck off.”
“Not until you look at me and tell me you don’t love me and never did.”
“I don’t love you and never did,” he said mechanically.
“Look at me and tell me,” Hideki said slowly, biting back his confusion and grief.
Toru looked over his shoulder. “I don’t love you. Never did,” he droned once more.
“Take the glasses off. Look me in the eye and tell me.”
Toru turned away. “Get lost.”
Hideki reached out and snatched the napkin. They were song lyrics.
You touched me deeper than anyone ... ever did
Now I drown in pain, remembering when you were my joy
(Take me higher and higher ... until we fall into the void)
Now I dwell in emptiness, wishing you were the answer
(Keep me deep in this feeling ... I’m so lost in you.)
Now I cry for you, myself, and what I threw away out of love
(Love me now and forever ... as I’ll love you always.)
Now I cry for you, myself, and what I threw away out of love
Toru tried to grab the napkin. Hideki jerked it away. Toru stood. Hideki stepped back.
“Tell me you meant those ugly things you said. Take the sunglasses off, and tell me you don’t love me.”
Flopping back down in the chair, Toru looked away. “Leave me alone.”
Hideki stepped around the chair and pulled the sunglasses off. Toru’s eyes were swollen and red. It was true; he had been crying as the girl said. Looking at the napkin again, Hideki saw some of the ink smeared from the tearstains.
He crouched down and prodded Toru’s bruised chin to make the older man face him. “I want the truth. The absolute truth.”
“Hide-chan ...” Toru’s voice cracked. He pulled away and roughly wiped under his eyes with the back of his hand. “Stop. Please, just go away.”
“No.” Hideki gripped the armrest hard enough to make his knuckles, already sore from the punch, twinge painfully.
A tear rolled down Toru’s cheek. “I don’t ... love you ...”
Hideki reached out and cupped Toru’s chin, forcing the man to meet his gaze. “Is that the truth?” he whispered.
Another fat teardrop followed the same path as the first and touched Hideki’s fingertips. Toru gathered Hideki’s hand in his and kissed away the wetness.
“You’ve made me happier than I’ve ever been in my life,” he whispered hoarsely. “But I’ve ruined yours.”
Toru heaved a miserable sigh and pulled away. “You have to stay away from me. Go back to Japan. Tell the press what a rotten, game-playing bastard I’ve been. They’ll believe it. I’ll confess. I’ll play the part to the hilt and beyond. You’ll be vindicated. You’ll get everything back tha
t I made you lose.” He stroked Hideki’s cheek. “Do it. Please.”
“The music, the drama, those damn ad contracts -- none of that matters.” Hideki leaned into the caress. “I don’t want to lose you.”
“You’ll always have my love, even if I can’t show it.” Toru dropped his hand. “That’s enough for me.” Toru turned away. “Please, Hideki. Just go. Get up and go.”
* * * * *
“Hideki! Hideki! Get up! You have to go! We’re getting married tomorrow, you idiot; we have a million things to do! You idiot! Why did you go get drunk when I told you not to!”
Hideki opened his eyes and caught the bleary sight of Ayumi and the familiar surroundings of his apartment. A dream. How many more months would he have these fucking dreams that it had all worked out with Toru in the end?
Ayumi pulled his arm, and he swatted her away. “Get the fuck off me!” He sat up, ran his hands through his hair, and reached for the bottle of vodka on the nightstand. When he found no more than a few drops in it, he threw it at the wall, glaring at Ayumi when she screamed as the glass shattered.
“Hide-chan!”
Hideki got up. “I’m not marrying you. I’d rather be dead than have to deal with your whining shit everyday. “
“But the wedding is tomorrow! The invitations are out. Everything has been paid for. This wedding cost five million yen! My dress was one million alone.”
“It’s not out of my pocket, so I don’t fucking care.”
She began to shake and cry. “You’re still drunk. You will be at the wedding. You have to be! If you aren’t, my father won’t give you that job, and you’ll be nothing. Do you hear me? Nothing!”
He shot her a vicious look. “I’m already nothing. I’ve been dead inside since I set foot in Honolulu.”
Ayumi started tearing at the bed sheets, ripping the curtains off the wall, throwing anything she could get her hands on. “Fine!” she shrieked. “I deserve better than a worthless piece of garbage like you!”
“Get the hell out of my apartment.” Hideki turned away from her and stared out the window, not really seeing the city outside. “Get out of my life.”
“You can stay here and rot!” Ayumi screamed. “Find a dick to suck on since that’s all you want!” She slammed the door behind her.
* * * * *
Kutani’s smile was broad as he hung up the telephone. He went to the liquor cabinet set into the wall of his plush high-rise office and cracked open a century-year-old bottle of cognac to celebrate his ultimate victory. It had taken close to six months, but he’d broken the attitude of Hideki Sakae and now he had the boy right where he wanted him. Well, almost.
Before he’d finished his second glass, the receptionist’s voice came over the intercom. “Kutani-san, Sakae is here to see you.”
“Let him in.”
Hideki appeared at the door dressed in faded jeans and a shirt he hadn’t bothered to tuck in. Dark shadows colored the skin under his red-rimmed eyes.
“Thank you for seeing me ... Kutani-san.” With his voice so dull and free of emotion, Hideki sounded like a man whose spirit had finally been broken.
“Sit down.” Kutani pointed to one of the chairs opposite the desk. Hideki did as he was told without meeting Kutani’s gaze. A good sign, but hopefully the boy’s spirit wasn’t completely shattered ... what fun would that be later?
“Don’t you have anything to say to me?” Kutani demanded with a cool smile.
Hideki looked up. “You were right. You were all right. I made a mistake. The worst one I could have, and I’ve paid for it.”
Kutani sipped his drink. “And this concerns me in which way? I hear that you’ve called off the wedding.”
Hideki sighed. “I can’t marry her. I don’t love her. I don’t even like her very much. I was confused, desperate, and her father promised to give me a job so that I could get some part of my life back, even if I can’t perform any more.”
Kutani poured Hideki a drink and came around the front of his desk. “Do you want to perform?”
Hideki looked him straight in the eye. “More than anything. I’d do anything to be onstage or even cut a record. Just a single would be enough.”
Sipping his drink, Kutani gave Hideki a cold look. “I gave you that chance, and I thought we had an agreement.”
Hideki squirmed in his chair. “Well ...”
“Oh, don’t play innocent. You aren’t. Nakai saw to that.”
Some of the color returned to the boy’s face. “I’m just not sure.”
“Here we go again.” Kutani sighed angrily and pushed away from the desk. “Don’t waste my time, boy.”
“I’m not -- I mean it,” Hideki said, desperation giving his voice a scratchy edge. “I need to work, Kutani-san. I’ll do anything to have that chance again.”
Kutani snorted. “How much of a fool do you think I am? You call me, telling me you’re willing to do what it takes, but you step into my office and put on this act.”
He came around behind Hideki’s chair and leaned close. The boy’s hair smelled so good ... the skin on his earlobe was just as sweet. “Yuki has been very grateful for the opportunity I gave him when you walked away.” Kutani dragged his tongue along the edge of Hideki’s ear. “How grateful would you be?”
Oh, God. He never thought he’d have to face this again. Of course, there was a lot he never thought he’d have to face. “I would be eternally grateful.” He pulled away, moved from the chair to kneel before Kutani, and bowed his forehead to the floor. “I beg you to forgive my arrogance. I should have listened to you. I was wrong.”
Kutani reached down, tugged on the back of Hideki’s shirt, and made him stand. He smoothed the rumpled shirt, his hand lingering on Hideki’s firm chest. He took the shirt ends and tucked them into Hideki’s jeans, pushing the shirttails down as far as they would go. He smiled, the hunger quite clear in his eyes as he brushed his fingertips across his lips, inhaling deeply as if to savor Hideki’s scent.
Hideki swallowed hard, his stomach twisting. And he told himself it was the alcohol from last night responsible.
“You’re a good boy,” Kutani said, going behind his desk once more. “You’re an obedient boy who was unfortunately led astray by that damned rock star. You fell for Ayumi Harada on the rebound, but realized at the last moment that you didn’t love her and, even though you were being ungentlemanly by calling off the wedding so late, that it was for the best. You wanted her to be happy, so you left her now, instead of subjecting her to a loveless marriage. Her father will understand, of course, and he will print it in his magazine in the same issue that he announces your triumphant comeback.”
Remaining silent, Hideki simply nodded, knowing that Kutani would indeed pull off the public relations miracle of the century and make all of his troubles of the past few months go away. He watched as the executive wrote out a check, then called down to the accounting department and told them to issue Hideki a corporate credit card at once.
Kutani came around the desk, folding the check into thirds. He tucked it into Hideki’s front pocket, allowing his fingers to linger as he smiled. “This is a little gift from me to you to welcome you home. Go down to see Yamazaki-san. He’ll give you the credit card, and I want you to go out and buy some decent clothes, get your hair cut, the works. And I expect you to be at my house this evening at nine for a private dinner. After we eat, we’ll discuss your comeback in detail. The meeting may run late, so bring a change of clothing. You can stay the night, and we’ll get started whipping you into shape bright and early in the morning.”
Chapter Twenty-Three
Swallowing his pride, Hideki did as Kutani instructed and got his hair trimmed and bought new clothes, including a few suits. But he also bought a new guitar to replace the one he’d smashed when he returned from Honolulu. The last thing he wanted to do was go to Kutani’s to “discuss business,” but he knew he had no choice. What did it matter anyway? He had no feelings. Everything within him had die
d that rainy night at the airport. He was nothing but an empty shell, and if Kutani wanted to play with it, then let him. As long as he got what he wanted in the end, what did it matter anymore?
Hideki looked at his watch as he exited the music shop. It was only two o’clock. He had a lot of time to kill, and he decided he might as well do it by trying to get back into shape. He stopped for a fast food lunch, then went to a small park where he called all the recording facilities he knew. No one had any space available for him to practice in, or if they did, they still hadn’t gotten the word to let him in. There was one place he could think to go that Kutani wouldn’t have been able to bully, and that was the private studio backed by Ryuhei Nakamura. But did he really want to go to the place where he first fell for Toru?
What choice did he have? Besides, maybe it was a good thing. By going there, he’d finally be able to put those ghosts to rest and pick up the pieces of his life -- a life at any rate.
* * * * *
“Damn, that’s one beautiful baby, Jun! Good thing he doesn’t take after you at all!”
Toru managed a half-smile at Koji’s lame joke as the others greeted their friends and Rumiko with congratulatory hugs. Toru congratulated them as well and went to stare out the window as Imai pulled a bottle of sake from inside his jacket and cracked it open for them all to toast the “newest ChildsPrey fan.”
Rumiko took a sip of Jun’s and laughed. “Why don’t the rest of you settle down and have your own sons; then, by the time you’re ready to retire, you’ll have a second generation backup already in place to keep those royalties a rolling.”
Everyone laughed. Toru tried and failed. He simply stared out the window. He’d heard that Hideki was marrying that girl tomorrow, so it probably wouldn’t be long before he had a son of his own. That thought brought a smile to Toru’s face as he remembered the baby pictures he’d seen of Hideki while looking through a fan site that was still devoted to him.
There was more laughing and joking from behind him, but Toru didn’t pay much attention until the nurse came and shooed them all away so Rumiko could rest.
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