‘It’s coming right up.’
‘Great. Now, we’re gonna go out onto the terrace and take in some deep breaths of fresh air, okay? Here we go. Careful of the lip on the door . . . great! You’re out.’
‘Can I sit down now? I feel so dizzy . . .’
‘Let’s walk a little more first, and then we’ll sit you down and you can have a nice hot drink.’
The coolness of the air began to work as Tommy paced me up and down the terrace. I opened my eyes and swayed a little as he counted our breaths in and out.
‘You’re doing fantastic! Feeling better?’
‘A bit,’ I nodded.
‘Okay, that’s great. So, let’s sit you down here.’
He eased me into a chair and seconds later I smelt the strong scent of coffee wafting up my nostrils, which made me heave again.
‘I don’t think there’s anything left inside you to throw up,’ he said. ‘Here’s the coffee, sweetheart.’
For the first time, I focused on his face and grasped the cup as he handed it to me.
‘I’ll go and clear up in the bedroom,’ said a female voice, which I now recognised as Mariam’s.
‘No! Please don’t. It’s disgusting!’
‘Don’t you worry about me, Electra. Remember, I have five brothers and sisters at home. I am used to vomit,’ she added cheerily as she stepped inside.
‘Sip the coffee, Electra, it’ll help.’
I did, but also managed to spill it everywhere because my hands were shaking so much.
‘Hey, I’ll feed it to you. Here.’
Tommy lifted the cup to my lips and I took small sips as my head began to clear.
‘How come you’re here?’ I asked him.
‘Mariam came by to check on you, ’cos your sister had called her in a panic. I was outside and she told me your sister thought you might have OD’d. She wanted to call 911, but I said I’d take a look at you first, because I have some medical training from my army days, and I know you wouldn’t have wanted the hospital, would you?’
‘No, and thanks, Tommy. I feel so ashamed. That was sooo disgusting.’
‘Hey, I’m an army vet and I’ve seen any number of guys turning to drink and drugs on their return to civilian life. I went there myself for a while too.’
‘Okay, well, thanks again.’ My stomach churned with the aftermath of what I’d put inside it and what Tommy must think of me. ‘Not much of a goddess tonight, am I?’
‘Hey, Electra, you’re just flesh and blood, like all of us. Human, y’know?’
I looked down at myself, at my vomit-covered jeans, and felt utter revulsion at the level I’d sunk to.
‘I’m gonna go have a shower, if you don’t mind.’
‘Course I don’t. Need some help gettin’ there?’
‘No thanks, I can manage.’ I stood up, still feeling wobbly, but able to walk unaided into the living room.
‘Almost done in here,’ Mariam said, coming out of the bedroom. ‘You might want to sleep in your spare room for tonight, though; the smell of disinfectant’s pretty strong.’
‘Okay, thanks.’
In the shower, I scrubbed my skin until it was almost red-raw, as though the chemicals I’d taken had infected that too. I stepped out, wrapped a towel around me and sat down heavily on the toilet seat. And only wished I could stay in here and not face the mess I’d made of myself, and the people who’d tried to help me who had seen it.
‘You’re a goddamn screw-up, Electra,’ I whispered as I rubbed my hands up and down my thighs in agitation. ‘They’re right; you need help. You. Need. Help.’
As I voiced the words, I felt a sudden sense of release, or relief, or something that felt better than where I’d been for the past few weeks – ‘Be honest, Electra, for the past year . . .’
It was what Tommy said that had done it, I thought.
You’re just flesh and blood, like all of us. Human . . . And he was so, so right, because I was.
There was a knock on the bathroom door.
‘You okay in there?’ asked Mariam through the wood.
‘Yeah, I’m okay.’
‘Maia is on the line for you. Do you want to speak to her?’
‘Yes.’ I stood up, went to the door and opened it. Mariam handed me my cell as I walked back into my bedroom. ‘Thanks, Mariam. Maia?’
‘Oh Electra!’ came Maia’s soft voice. ‘Thank God you’re okay! I was so worried about you when you said you just wanted to go to sleep. I—’
‘I wasn’t trying to kill myself, Maia. I genuinely wanted to go to sleep. Nothing more than that, seriously.’
‘Mariam says you’re okay now, but you weren’t when she found you.’
‘No, I wasn’t. I took too many sleeping pills by mistake, that’s all.’
‘You sounded so terrible, so I called Mariam straight after you put the phone down on me, and asked her to go and check you were okay.’
‘Yeah, I know. Well, thanks for doing that.’
‘Electra, I—’
‘Before you tell me I need help, I know I do. And’ – I swallowed, like, really hard – ‘if you can give the details of that clinic you mentioned to Mariam, she can see how soon I can get checked in.’
There was a pause on the line and I heard a couple of gulps and realised Maia was crying.
‘Oh my goodness! That’s amazing! I’ve been so worried, we all have. It’s such a brave thing to do, to admit you need help. I’m so proud of you, Electra, I really am.’
‘Well, I’m not saying it’s gonna work, but at least I can give it a try, can’t I?’
‘Yes, you can.’ I heard Maia blowing her nose. ‘Are you okay for me to tell Ma and Ally? They’ve been worried too.’
‘Just Ma and Ally. Yeah, sure. And I’m sorry I’ve worried everyone.’
‘Well, we wouldn’t worry about you if we didn’t love you, would we, little sis? And we do love you, so very, very much.’
‘Okay, I’m gonna go now before you get me crying too. I’ll hand you over to Mariam. Bye, Maia, and thanks again.’
‘Maia wants to give you the details of a rehab clinic in Arizona,’ I said lightly as I passed over my cell to her. ‘I’ll go as soon as they can have me.’
Before I witnessed her reaction, I put on my robe then left the bedroom, which stank of all the reasons why I needed to fly down to Arizona tomorrow, and went back out onto the terrace to see Tommy.
‘Hi there, Electra,’ he said, turning towards me from where he’d been leaning over the glass barrier. ‘Helluva view you got from up here.’
‘Yeah, it is. Could you get me some water? I’m thirsty.’
‘Sure, course I can.’
He came back with water for both of us. ‘Cheers.’ I clinked my glass against his and we both drank. ‘I need to say thank you again for your help tonight.’
‘Hey, you’re my queen! I was glad to help and always will be.’
‘Actually, I was just thinking about something you said to me, about only being human. It put a lot of things into perspective. It’s okay to admit weakness, isn’t it?’
‘Sure it is.’
‘I just told my sister I’m going to go to the rehab clinic she suggested as soon as I can. I’m tired of being a screw-up.’
‘That’s the best news, Electra, though I’ll miss you while you’re gone.’
‘I hope it won’t be for long, but anyway, Tommy,’ I hurried on, not wanting to think about the reality of my decision, ‘you were great.’
‘It’s not gonna be easy – take it from one who knows – but you’ve just done the hardest part by admitting you need the help. If I could turn the clock back . . .’ he shrugged, ‘well, I would. You haven’t lost anything yet – and I swear to you, life just gets better and better once you’re clean. Anyways, guess I’ll be on my way.’
‘Okay.’ I watched him stand up. ‘See you when I get back, Tommy.’
‘Good luck, Electra, I’ll be with you in spirit all the ti
me, promise.’ He gave me one last smile and stepped back inside the apartment.
‘Hi there.’ Mariam came outside a few minutes later.
‘Hi.’
‘Okay, so I spoke to Maia and called the clinic – they have someone on reception twenty-four-seven. And yes, they have room, so it’s fine for you to fly down there tomorrow. I placed another call to the private jet company and they can have one on the runway at Teterboro airport at ten a.m.’
‘Okay. Did the clinic say how long I’d be there?’
‘The lady I spoke to said the average stay is a month, so that’s what I booked you in for.’
‘A month! Jeez, Mariam, what will we tell everyone? I mean, they can’t know the truth.’
‘Susie does, because I called her too – you’re hardly the first model she’s had who’s been . . . ill. She sends her love and she’s so pleased you’ve taken the decision to go. She’s used to dealing with these situations – she’ll just tell the clients you’re suffering from exhaustion and need to take a break.’
‘And they’ll so believe that . . .’ I muttered morosely.
‘Who cares what they believe? The most important thing is that your diary will be as full as it always has been once you’re back. You’re one of the best models in the business – if not the best. You’re great to work with, Electra, everyone tells me that.’
‘Really?’ I raised an eyebrow.
‘Yes! You’re never late for a shoot, you’re always polite on set and treat everyone around you with respect, unlike some other models I could name.’
‘Then why do I think I’m a nightmare?’
‘Because you feel like one inside?’ Mariam suggested softly. ‘The great news is that you’ve never let that nightmare out in public. And you’re creative too – remember that Marie Claire shoot when they couldn’t quite find the right look that they were going for, and you simply stood up and grabbed that African-print tablecloth from the catering team and wrapped it around yourself? It looked amazing and it saved the shoot!’
The doorbell rang and Mariam jumped to answer it. She had a weird look in her eye, almost as if she felt guilty.
I heard her talking to someone in the living room and I stood up to go and see who the new visitor was.
‘Hello, Electra,’ my grandmother said to me. ‘How are you feeling?’
‘I . . . okay.’ I frowned, feeling the anger suddenly surging inside me again. ‘Why are you here?’
‘I called your assistant after I left here earlier tonight,’ said Stella. ‘Remember you gave me her number?’
‘Yes, but—’
‘I told her that I was concerned about you, and that my visit might have destabilised you further. I asked her to let me know if you were okay. And to call me if you weren’t.’
‘And when you weren’t, I mean, when we found you unconscious, I called her.’ I watched a blush travel up Mariam’s neck as she read the expression on my face. ‘Stella is your grandmother, Electra, she wants to help you.’
‘Electra, please . . .’ Stella walked towards me and reached out her hands. ‘I’m only here to support you. Not to preach. Mariam told me you’ve decided to get help. I’m so proud of you.’
I was beginning to feel like I’d won some kind of competition at school rather than just accepted I was an addict.
‘Thanks,’ I nodded as I felt the press of her cool calm hands on mine. ‘But it’s late and we should all be in bed.’
‘Well, how about we let Mariam go home and I stay around a while in case you need some company?’
I saw a look pass between Mariam and my grandmother and I jumped on it.
‘You’re here to make sure I don’t change my mind and get on a flight to Timbuktu before tomorrow, aren’t you?’
‘Maybe.’ Stella gave me a smile that made her eyes, that were so like mine, twinkle. ‘It has been known to happen. More importantly, I just want you to be safe during the night.’
‘You mean, not take any more alcohol or drugs?’
‘That too. Now, Mariam, you’ve done enough and you need to get home. I’m sure Electra is very grateful to you, aren’t you?’
‘Of course I am! Mariam knows that.’
‘Okay.’ Mariam gave me a smile. ‘Well, I will see you here at eight a.m. I’ve packed most of what you need – which isn’t much – in your suitcase, ready to go. Goodnight.’
Stella and I stood in silence as Mariam left the apartment.
‘You’ve got a gem there, Electra.’
‘I know, she’s very efficient.’
‘She’s a gem because she genuinely cares about you. And that’s what really counts.’
‘Listen, you don’t have to stay. I promise I’ll behave – I’ll go straight to bed like a good girl and be up bright and early to go to the airport.’
‘I know I don’t have to stay, but I want to. Just for a while at least.’
‘Well, I’m gonna use the bathroom and then get into bed. And no’ – my eyes flashed at her – ‘I’m not gonna do a line of coke while I’m in there.’
A few minutes later, I was in the spare bed and thinking how tired I felt. As I turned off the light, there was a knock at my door.
‘Come in.’
‘I just . . . well, I wanted to say goodnight to my granddaughter for the first time in twenty-six years. May I?’
‘Of course.’
She walked over to me and planted a gentle kiss on my forehead. I looked up at her, silhouetted in the light coming through the open door behind her.
‘Why didn’t you contact me before?’
‘Because I didn’t know you even existed up until quite recently.’
‘Oh. Why?’
‘That, my dear Electra, is a long story and not one for this time of night.’
‘Did you . . . did you say Pa told you to come find me?’
‘I did, yes.’
‘But he’s dead.’
‘Yes, he is, God rest his soul.’
‘Then how?’
‘Do you remember meeting him in New York . . . why, it must have been a year ago now?’
‘Yeah, we had dinner and it was a train wreck.’
‘I know, he told me. He’d actually flown over to see me, as well as you – he’d managed to trace me after all these years and wanted to meet me in person. I think he knew he was very ill by then. He told me how worried he was about you. And asked me to make contact with you if he was no longer here to do that himself. His lawyer – Mr Hoffman – subsequently contacted me by post in July to inform me of his death, but I was abroad for several months and didn’t receive his letter until I got back in March. Which was when I wrote to your agent.’
‘Oh, okay.’ My eyes were drooping with tiredness now.
‘Anyway, it’s been a very difficult night for you, honey, and you have more to come. I want you to get some sleep. Do you want me to leave?’
The weird thing was that now I knew that Pa had genuinely trusted her, I didn’t want her to leave. This woman, who I couldn’t get a handle on at all, had been sent by him to watch over me. And it actually felt comforting.
‘Maybe in a while?’
‘Okay,’ she said walking over to the easy chair in the corner of the room, ‘Then how about I sing you to sleep as my Yeyo used to do for me? Now close your eyes, and imagine the wide-open skies that hang full of stars over the plains of Africa.’
The Lion King, which had always been my favourite Disney film, immediately popped into my head, especially as ‘Granny’ (would I call her that one day?) began to hum, then sing words I couldn’t understand. But her voice was so rich and mellow and goddamn gorgeous that I did close my eyes and see those vast starry skies. I smiled, feeling calmer than I had for a long, long time. And with her voice lulling me, I fell asleep.
‘Electra, it’s time to get up. Mariam is here.’
I opened my eyes, frustrated because I hadn’t slept so deeply for as long as I could remember and now someone was trying t
o make me wake up. I rolled over, shaking my head.
‘Electra, you have to wake up, honey. The car’s already downstairs waiting to take you to the airport.’
As I surrendered and rose to consciousness, I remembered why I was being woken.
Nooo . . .
‘I don’t wanna go . . . Please, let me stay here. I feel better already . . .’ I moaned.
The covers were lifted from me and strong arms pulled me upright.
‘You have to go, Electra. Now put these on.’
I stared at my grandmother, who was holding out my cashmere sweatpants, and slammed my fist into the bed.
‘Who are you to tell me what to do?!’ I spat. ‘I don’t hear from you or see you or even know you exist for the first twenty-six years of my life, then you suddenly turn up and start ordering me around!’
‘Well, somebody has to do it; look at the mess you’ve gotten yourself into without it.’
‘Get out! Get out!’ I screamed at her.
‘Okay, okay . . . I will. I know I have no right to tell you anything, but I’m begging you, if you don’t face this moment now, it will only come again and again. And would you like to know something? I lost my precious child to addiction. So don’t you lie there feeling sorry for yourself, miss! You don’t know what hardship is and I’ll be damned if I’m going to lose you too! Get your skinny behind out of that bed and get yourself clean!’
With that, my grandmother turned tail out of the room and slammed the door behind her, leaving me shaken to the core. No one – not even Pa Salt – had ever spoken to me with such anger before. Maybe it was the shock, but I did get dressed and opened the door timidly to find Mariam sitting on the couch waiting for me.
‘Ready to go?’ she said.
‘Yeah. Has she gone?’
‘You mean your grandmother? Yes. Right, your holdall is in the trunk. We need to leave now.’
I followed Mariam out of the apartment, feeling exactly as I had when I was leaving Atlantis for a new term at boarding school. I could so easily turn round and go right back inside, pour myself a vodka, do a line . . .
The Sun Sister Page 23
