Arcadia: A professional hiker and passionate ecologist, Arcadia is hard at work in a mountain shack on his Sir Philip Sidney, having already completed the courtier and the soldier and half of the essayist, there being only the poet to go, and he mostly in paper cups. Tentative date 1586. Tentative price: thirty-three terrestrial.
Khaos: an immigrant writer from Belblin, Khaos has already finished off his treatise on gas in The Body of Hermann Broch, whose adventures with a potato—in both a race and a stew—will be recounted in detail with a strong Irish flavor and some small attention to the efficacy of gaslight in procuring suicide. Date uncertain. Price: five cogitos, three sums.
Both Aethiopis and Dis I have decided to reserve for myself, the one being a fiction about a black-power fanatic named O’Thello, born in Dubfast, the other a lively tale entitled George Merde, in which a girl called Dis will alienate a man called Dith with her cross ways. No date, no price; these books will be handed to the next ancient Mariner who flies by.
The group of us—Seven-Pillars, East-of-Eden, Arcadia, Khaos, and I—spend most of our time by one of the seas—Sirenum, Hadriaticum (a name that we think some Martian joke), or Chromium—writing with felsite on lava, going underground only when the dust storms occur, when we repair to a Mars bar and drink marsala while singing the “Marseillaise” to keep our spirits up. Seven-Pillars, mind, he likes to walk out in the worst of the dust storm, so we tend to be deprived of the best conversation he has (he addresses the particles and listens to them howl), whereas East-of-Eden, born under Pisces and a graduate of the Mare Tyrrhenum School of Marine Biology, likes to drink and be friendly, his nickname being Len. Arcadia’s a bit standoffish and snobby, claims he has blue blood and a pedigree going back to Planet X, the matrix planet of the asteroids, that was guillotined some three hundred million years ago, but he answers to the name of Pimpernel or Cad and can always be made to cry quite openly if you tell him the story of the Lafayette Escadrille’s expedition to Mare Australe in the year (-Q) or of the governor of MNC (Mars Narrowcasting Corporation), who once landed his private fun jet in Tempe, thinking it was Xanthe. As for Khaos, he’s a morose, taciturn type, an inveterate late riser, so your chances of talking with him are slim unless you call him Jim, and then he cracks up with laughter, protesting he isn’t Jim at all, Jim was a Memnonian whereas he, Khaos, happens to be an out-and-out Thaumasian. One can easily lose his way up here, even though the place is only three or four hundred million years old, with the water table not even set yet and the volcanic ash always getting into your eyes. Dark years ago, we sent an envoy to the Blue Planet—his name was Jail Borgias—requesting immediate cessation of Mars’s labeling and complaining about the monotony of labels already affixed—most of them, in fact, terminating in those fusty old suffixes -is, -ia, -us, -um, -ium, et cetera, whereas the Moon, according to our observations, seems adorned, nay embellished, with such a varied pageant of names that (as we see it) the only healthy future Mars can have will come through crossbreeding with such eugenic paragons as Tranquillity, Boscovich, Wilkins, Flamsteed, Sharp, and Caroline Herschel, the main problem being to get them together. Borgias, it now appears, never made it to his destination, perhaps having overshot into the Magellanic Clouds, whose diameter those who measure have measured in light-years, or, having taken en route a subsidiary post as chicken inspector on Antares, three hundred times the size of the sun, or as head librarian on Venus, where books weigh only a little less than they do on Earth, although much more than on me. Whatever happened, no good has come of it, for daily we are affronted with fresh names. There is now Kosyginium, between Deuteronilus and Niliacus Lacus there is even Nixonia, and, saddest to mention, pseudoapocalyptically east of Khaos (which makes him insensate with rage) a Regio Jesus, which seems to have no bounds at all.
The only thing we can do—Seven-Pillars, East-of-Eden, Arcadia, Khaos, and I, Mars Apparat, to give for once my full name—is to shift this planet through sheer willpower nearer to the Asteroids, come what may. Our plan, if so desperate a maneuver may be anything so ascetic as a plan, is to have our moons Phobos and Deimos strike up a nodding acquaintance with Ceres and Eros. Meanwhile, we are circulating the rumor that Mars is indeed a dead world, as S. Arrhenius of Stockholm said in the early twentieth century. Appalling rumors from the Moon strengthen us in our resolve: When molehills come to be named Bardot, Westinghouse, Cola, Vatican, Capone, Sol Estes, Oswald, and Sirhan, you can expect anything on Mars.
And when it arrives I shall not be here.
The “Lost” Chapter of John Jourdain
Ranbir Singh Sidhu
Scholars of seventeenth-century literature of the sea have yet to fully take up cudgels in the debate on the veracity of the purported “lost” chapter of John Jourdain’s journal. In the published account (as reprinted in the venerable Hakluyt Society edition of 1905) of his visit to the island nation of K., The Journal of John Jourdain, 1608–1617, Describing His Experiences in Arabia, India, the Malay Archipelago, and Lands Nearby, Jourdain wrote scathingly, describing K. as “hotte, uglie, and wythoute even those accomadations anye beggar mite finde agreeable.”
Little more was said for some two hundred years, the location of K. left a mystery, which it remains to this day, and the subject thought of little interest; until, inside an old seaman’s chest abandoned in a Kent attic, were discovered the yellowed pages of what appeared to be the entire original manuscript, which included the never-before-seen “lost” chapter. This seaman’s curiosity was passed among a group of self-described “enthusiasts” for many years, and has only recently entered the broader realm of scholarly interest.
Though many consider it a forgery, the fact remains that the handwriting matches verified contemporary samples from John Jourdain, and the spelling matches his own quite unique form, which meandered among possibilities as much as he meandered across the globe. That the seaman John Jourdain, or his original publisher, would want to suppress this version seems more than likely, as it touches upon topics that might well have been considered inflammatory in its age: the hot-blooded whimsy of a traveler obviously affected either by fever or alcohol or, as is suggested in the account, other substances. As such, it can be placed next to Cyrano de Bergerac’s account of his journey to the moon or the adventures of Hans Jakob Christoffel von Grimmelshausen’s creation Simplicissimus in his flights of unfettered imagination.
But such poetical whimsy from so otherwise as obtuse a seaman as Jourdain seems unlikely, a fact that the considerable number of supporters of the veracity of the lost chapter never fail to point out. The weight of testimony on both sides of the argument thus stands quite strongly, and the debate, as noted above, has only begun to be argued among scholars and the more learned professionals of the sea. In the meantime, it is up to the reader to decide for him or herself as to the credibility of events, places, and individuals described.
A MOSTT CURIOSE SOJERNE INN THE LANDES OF K.
BY JOHN JOURDAIN
Att my cominge aland upon an Unnamed Shore I found the Kinge and his Unkle both together, with many Others; of whome I demanded Leave to rest for several Daies for the Heate had strucke myself and my companions alsoe siche that wee knewe not some among us our verie Names and walked the Deckes like Ghosts unto ourselves and unto each one the other; all of us terriblie affrighted by the casualtie to our Common Senses. At one time I would calle my Chief mate by the Name of the most common Seeman, even of the Boy, and he would looke att me as though I had become one of the verie Natives that had soe affrighted us manie Daies before on the Ilandes wee did lande upon. At another time the entyre Crewe would not knowe me and calle me by siche strange Names and speake with siche curios Tonges that I guessed not who I myself was, holding the Beliefe that they who knewe me not knewe some larger Truthe. The Heate was the verie Devile Himself for it would leade oure Sense one way and when we felt the strength of Certaintie it would knocke all wee knewe downe and wee were but requ
ired to Build up again oure Worlde from Senses recentlie attacked. And then when again wee felt a common Beliefe growe among us, that wee each knewe the Name of each other, that wee knewe our owne Selves, the Devil in the Cloake of the Heate would come at us againe and knocke at our Certainties and Knowledge. Sailing aboute like this wee were at the edge of Great Blows and Violence wiche, had notte we landed at the Unnamed Coaste and there mette with soe kindlie a Kinge, wee would without doubt have become the Servantes of the Evile One in his Designes upon this Worlde.
The Reader maye wonder thatt in oure Flighte from the hordes of the Devile wee meerlie founde our bodies at the Mercie of a Pagan, though he bee a Kinge, and thatt then our Deliverance was of the kinde that sentt us from Pott to Flame, as the sayinge goes. Wee did not first see this and founde in oure Host everie Kindness that wee would bestowe upon a fellowe Christian mett in Distress, and onlie later did wee have cause to question the motives that wrote upon his Face and upon the Faces of the Kinge’s Servants siche pleasant and welcoming Smiles.
The Kinge, upon oure coming aland, made readie a Feast of all the Fruite and Fowle and including anie Animale that walked upon four legs within his Dominion, wiche wee were led to belive singularlie Expansive for hee did compare himself to no other figure than the Great Mogul. All nite the fesivitie continued and wee were all much pleased for the beautiefull Daughters of the Kinge did serve us in most delitefull waies that many a dream of mye tired Crewe was thatt nite fullfilled by the site of siche lovely Faces. The youthfull Damsels did plaie and cavorte with us, singing and dancing in most Liberal a Fashion that my poor Christian Heart was much blushed butt my Bodie, wiche bee onlie Christian in the waie our Philosopher Platoe spoke of a Chaire being not a Chaire, but a reflection of an Chaire in the Heavens, and here I confess my Bodie bee butt an Earthlie Chaire and a sad reflection on thatt Heavenlie Bodie thatt wee all strive towards, did nott blush att all butt took full Part in the Festivities and their necessarie and most sweete Conclusions.
Siche a nite was hadd bye all thatt come the Morninge and again the dreadfull Heate wee but laye there, oure dear Damsels by oure sides, and slept untill no later a time as when the Sun rose direct above us and wee feltt the verie Skin on our Faces too bee on Fyre. I was the first up and seeinge my Men in so sad a situation I immediatelie sett to wakinge all. Soon they were gathered with their Maidens and I feltt again some reliefe to see noe Harme had come too anie in the Nite at the Handes of our Pagan Host.
The Heate did not abate and for manie Daies we played with the beautiefull Damsels that the Kinge gave us siche kinde Libertie of and oure sore Heartes were much healed by this Interlude thatt came upon us in oure dire Neede, soe wee eache thanked the Lorde fore His Generosities. Wee all believed thatt noe Force other than thatt of the goodeness and kindeness of oure Lorde did offer us these Heathen Pleasures, though the Reader maie thinke it Improper to give Credite to a Lorde for siche License as wee enjoied I awnsweare and saie I presume nott on the waie and manner of oure Lorde’s Bountie butt take that wiche He offereth withe a Open and Gladd Heart. I knowe the Lorde onlie through that wiche Hee giveth and Presume nott on his Will as soe manie, or soe it seeme to mee, of oure fine Preachers doe who seeme to knowe the verie Thoughts of the One whose Name Men cannot Speake. Siche greate Powers are nott myne and though I reade His Book and knowe He is the Worde I will not speake for Him and do instead reade the payle reflection of his Grayttness in the Faces of the Maidens who gave my selfe and Crewe siche humble Pleasure.
After some dayes I gaind the abilitie to converse in the Language of the Native, haveinge learnd severall wordes of their Tongue from the able wymminn who accompanied us everyewear. With these wordes and much use of a Gesturall Language, one common to all Men, I was able to speeke with their Kinge and his Counsailors. Learnd Men speeke of the Tower of Babbel and how ever since siche Tyme everie Nation has had its own Language and theye speeke of the inabilitie of Man to talk to Man as the Roote of Much Evile. I saie Not Soe, for do wee nott have a Common Language, one even an unschoold Childe must knowe, in the Produckt of oure verie Hands. Do not oure Bodies speeke for Us as well as oure Tongues do. Is this nott howe the famed Venecian Marckoe Polloe first spake with the Grate Khan. Perchance the Bodie lackes Civilitie and the Daintie wordes that mayke a Parlour home of Genteele phrases but if one Man needes mayke himselfe known to another and the Twoe lacke onlie a Common Tongue then the Bodie speekes as cleerlie as anie Grayt Oratour in oure Howse of Parliemantt. No doubt thatt if oure Statesmenn were allowd to use onlye this Gesturall Tongue their Straininge to maike their meeninge cleere would avoyd us manie Battles and the loss of muche unnecessarie Bloode and far fewer Widowes would bee Cursinge the foolhardiness of Olde Men that bringe Countryes intoe terrible Conflagracion.
The Kinge tolde mee that the Heate which much affected my selfe and my Companions was alsoe newe to him and to his Countrye, afflyctinge terriblie his Subjeckts. He asked if perchance I mite offer some Respite through the Magicke of my Lorde, of whome I alreadie had spoken, butt I said I had no more Voice with Him than the Kinge himselfe, an Unbeliever. The Kinge was muche Distraut by siche News and sayd hee knewe nott howe to bring Reliefe to his sufferinge Peeple and askd if I mite accompanie him into the Highland where a Grayt Ceremonie was too bee held in severall Weekes. I agreed gladly for I was happie to repaye the Kinge for all the kindenesses he had offered us. But then his Face went Darke and I thought him angrie with mee and he spoke with a havie Voice telling mee that I must never speeke of whatt I see att the Palace or the Ceremonie for itt is all of a verie Private and Secrett Nature. I agreed reddily and sayd I would accompanie him alone and att this he smiled and the Darke stare left his Face and wee dranke sweete Wine and tooke of daintie Victualls.
Wee departed thatt same Daie. I told my Companie thatt I would bee bye Necessitie awaye some manie Weekes and for them all too mayke whatt Pleasant use theye mite of the ample Generositie shewed to us by oure Hosts. Theye were much gladdenned too Lerne thatt oure briefe Visitt would nowe extend indefinitelie. Manie had made among the Maidens serveinge us whatt in oure Nation we would call a State muche like thatt of Man to Wife, and sayd all would feele a sore Loss if oure Departure was deemed Imminentt. Among them I saw severall whoe passed up the most Beautiefull of Maidens and tooke as their Companion a handsome young Lad for whiche purpose theye Employd muche like anie Man employes his Wife. The Seeman in his Travells sees manie Sites, bothe Strange and Wonderfull, and of these the Man who lies downe with a Man is noe stranger than manie others, and the Thought should nott disturb the Reader. Is not the Estate of Marriage thatt made betweene a Man and his Wife and is not a Wife that Personne who is said to bee married to a Man. Then if a Man does marrye a Man, the one becomes, in the Eye of oure Lorde, the Wife while the other is the Husbande or Man.
A long Procession led up into the Hills and as wee Climbd the Heate onlie grewe Worse and I coulde see on the Face of the Kinge a grave Consternacion at siche unpleasante Climate. I was carryed in a coverd Palanquin similar to thatt of the Great Mogole in Hindoostan and feltt my selfe to be held in a Position neere thatt of the Kinge himselfe. Oure Journye was plaeasant and the Kinge tooke everie Opportunitie to tarrye and to followe those Pursuits naturall to Kingeshipp. I talk here of Hunttinge and Converseinge with his Subjeckts on their Troubles and Joyes. I was much touched when one Forenoone a young woman appeered whoe had recentlie lost her Husbande to a Disease cawsed bye the Heate and whose Lande was then stolen by the Brothers of her Late Husbande. She and her three Children weare leftt withoute Propertie or Livliehood as is Necessarie for the Comfortable Enjoyementt of Life. The Kinge ordered that the Brothers bee brought in frontt of him and so Brothers came, their Heads bowed and shewing much Obeisance to his Magestie. When the Kinge learnd the Truthe of the Womann’s testimonie he ordered the Brothers bee putt to Death and soe they wear thatt verie Daye by the agencie of a swift Sworde.
I was too see muche of the Kinge’s Justice in
bothe its Terrible Anger and in its Gentle Kindeness in the weekes we made oure Slowe Progress through his Dominiones and I was thus able, through his Naturall Trust of my selfe, the Cawse of which I could nott wholly fathome, to dispute with him about the Proper Function of the Kinge and wee passed manie an Eveninge drinking sweete Wines and comparing the Guvernmantts of oure Twoe Nations. I have alwayes enjoied an uncommon Speede at the learning of Languages and my enlargeing Vocabularie, combined with the aforesaide Gesturall Language common to all the Races of Man, gave us much Reason for Merrimentt and Joye.
One daie wee tooke oure Reste in a Towne where onlie faire Wymen appeerd to greete us in the Streete. Att the arrivall of the Eveninge no Men had shewed themselves and soe I askd the Kinge howe it was thatt we had encountered no Men. Were theye awaye Hunttinge or carryeinge on other Activities proper onlie to Men thus giveinge Explanacion to their Absence. The Kinge tooke some Minutes to Respond and att firstt seemd quite Perplexed. This is a Towne, he explaind in due Tyme, where onlie Wymen lived. Haveinge said this he thought itt Sufficient and began to talk on other Matters. But I found no sufficiency in his Explanation and demanded of him the same Question. Hee then sayd thatt before even oure Enteringe he had beene Requird to aske Permissione of the Towneswymmin to Repayr here for the Nite and again, believing his Wordes enough, moved on to other Matters. The Kinge askinge Permission of his owne Subjeckts! The thought greatly troubled mee and I demanded whatt neede did a Kinge have to aske Permission. I asked whether here lived a Religious and Righteous Communitie much like the Nuns who live a Spare Lyfe in the Convents of deare England and soe requird Proteccion from the rowdie Entourage that ever followd the Kinge. These were nott Religious wymmen, the Kinge told mee. Indeed, they lived all together, eache beeinge Wife to everie other one soe if I asked, as I did at the Kinge’s request, to whome a faire Maiden was marryed, she would smile like a Cockette and Pointt to everie Womann in the Towne. I was muche Startled by this News and then Demanded further awnswear to my firstt Quescion. Whye did the Kinge require Permission. Though hee was Kinge, he tolde mee feeling muche abused by continuinge Questions, he was still subjeckt to the Wymmin of his State. Above him the Queene ruld and she had decreed that whatt-ever Towne be filld with onlie Wimmin shall live untoe its own Lawe, even above thatt of Herselfe or of the Kinge. I was muche surpirized and Pressd for further relacion of these Curious Lawes.
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