It was crazy how well he could read her mind. Had she been trying to prove she was better than Ryan? Had fighting for Brandon somehow turned into a competition?
"We need to stop being angry with each other and be mad at the real enemy—autism," he added. "That's what broke us apart, and the worst irony of all is that when Brandon lost his ability to communicate, we did, too."
She was stunned by the simple truth.
"We stopped talking to each other, Nicole, and we also stopped listening. And I'm not saying this is all on you. I was probably to blame, because I had a more difficult time dealing with Brandon's rejection than you did. When he turned away from me, it reminded me of all the times my father looked away or walked away, making me feel like a piece of shit. But I was wrong to turn Brandon into my father. I was wrong about a lot of things. I just wish we could call it even, move forward from here, and stop having the same fight over and over again. That's it. That's all I have to say. Your turn."
Silence followed his words.
"I'm a little speechless," she said finally. "But in a good way."
He nodded, his jaw tight.
"I wish you would have said some of that before, but maybe before I wasn't ready to hear it," she admitted.
She knew she'd been a partner in the demise of their marriage. She just hadn't had anyone hold up such a bright mirror before. Her family had walked on eggshells around her, knowing she had so much on her plate, that they couldn't put one more thing on her. They couldn't tell her that maybe she wasn't handling things as well as she could be. And they were on the outside. They didn't really know what was going on. But Ryan did, and he knew her better than anyone.
She'd thought she'd known him better than anyone, but she hadn't realized that Brandon's rejection had made Ryan feel like the loser his father had tried to turn him into. Ryan had always had more emotional baggage than her, but she sometimes forgot that, because for the most part he kept his past buried. And she had more pressing things to worry about. But maybe she shouldn't have let her husband and her marriage become such a low priority in her life.
She drew in a deep breath. "I need to clean up. But I can't face Sean and Jessica right now. I know we should, but—"
"Forget doing what you should do all the time. We'll get the car, go to the hotel and regroup. Okay?"
"Okay," she said, relieved by his proposal.
They walked back to Jessica's house, and retrieved the car without seeing anyone. She'd apologize to Jessica and her brother later. Her emotions were too fragile right now to get into any explanations.
When they entered their hotel room, she went into the bathroom. One quick glance at her tear-streaked face and red, puffy eyes was enough to send her into the shower. She let the warm water pour over her head and across her tense shoulders, as she thought about everything Ryan had said. He'd been surprisingly insightful and some of that insight had been painful, but she'd heard him, and she'd felt closer to him than she had in a very long time.
Their conversation had stripped away all the guard walls they'd put up to protect themselves from getting more hurt than they already were, but now that those walls had come down. She wasn't seeing Ryan through a haze of anger, but rather through the eyes of love and that was more than a little scary. It was much easier to hate him than to love him, because his love had taken her not only to the highest high but also the lowest low.
Did she want to put herself through all that emotion again?
Did she really have a choice?
* * *
Ryan stepped onto the balcony and looked out at the crashing sea. The moon was moving higher in the sky, the stars coming out one by one as dusk turned into night.
His shirt was damp from Nicole's tears, and as the wind hit him, a chill ran through his body. With Brandon missing, today probably hadn't been the best time to get into it with Nicole, but the words had just come pouring out of him. He'd been as shaken by the sound of Kyle's voice as she had.
But he knew that even with all the challenges, he would never trade Brandon for Kyle, because Brandon was his son. Brandon was the one he'd rocked in his arms, read to, played ball with, and loved. And even though they were like strangers now, the love was still there, waiting for a chance to reconnect.
He hadn't given up on that hope. He'd become more realistic about the odds of that happening, but deep down inside, he could imagine it in his mind. And he wanted that image to come true, just as much as Nicole did.
Nicole…
He let out a sigh, feeling so many emotions for her. He wanted her love back, too, and in the past few days, he'd started to see flashes of the old Nicole again, the woman he'd fallen in love with, someone who was soft and vulnerable, creative and imaginative, who didn't hide her feelings behind a tough, hard exterior. Not that he didn't love the kick-ass side of her; he did. He'd just missed the other side of her, the side who loved him and needed him.
His phone rang, startling him out of his reverie, which was probably a good thing. Yearning for Nicole was only going to worsen the ache in his gut.
"Sean," he said.
"Where are you guys?"
"Oh. Sorry to bail on you. Nicole just couldn't handle seeing and hearing Kyle. She had a little breakdown, and I brought her back to the hotel."
"How is she doing now?"
"She's better. She's in the shower. I can have her call you when she gets out." He suddenly realized they'd left Sean with Jessica, someone he barely knew. "Do you want to come over here? We can get you a room. We're at the Seagull Inn."
"I'll be over later. Don't worry about me. I'm going to hang with Jessica for a while."
"You sure?"
"Yeah, she doesn't seem to have a lot of friends around to support her. But I need to ask you what you want me to tell her about Brandon's autism. She's been asking me questions about why Nicole suddenly freaked out, and I've been putting her off, not sure what you want me to say."
"You can tell her about Brandon."
"Are you sure? Will Nicole be all right with that?"
"She will be," Ryan said decisively. "In fact, I think it will be easier if you tell Jessica. You'll be able to do it in a less emotional way."
"All right."
"Has Jessica heard back on the quilts yet?"
"No. We'll call as soon as she does. Take care of my big sis."
"I will," he promised.
When he returned to the bedroom, Nicole was coming out of the bathroom in a white terry cloth robe that had been provided by the inn, her hair wrapped up in a towel. She stopped abruptly when she saw the phone in his hand. "Who were you talking to?"
"Sean. He was worried about you."
"I feel bad that I ran out on him after he came all this way to see me."
"He's fine. I told him to come here, and we'll get him a room, but he said he's going to stay with Jessica for a while. And, no, she hasn't heard anything more about the quilts." He paused. "Nicole, Sean asked what he should tell Jessica about why you were so upset. I told him he could tell her about Brandon. I hope that's all right with you."
"It is. I don't know why I didn't tell her. Although, you didn't say anything, either."
"I was following your lead."
"There never seemed to be the right moment, and I didn't want to make things more complicated."
"That makes sense."
She stared back at him, a mix of emotions playing through her pretty blue eyes, and his gut tightened as the quiet between them slowly filled with tension.
"So what do we do now?" she asked.
A half dozen answers ran through his mind, all of them tempting and dangerous. He didn't know where he and Nicole stood any more. And he was afraid one wrong step would wreck the tenuous truce between them.
"I'm going to take a shower," he said finally, thinking that that was the safest choice. "Why don't you order room service? We can eat and then figure out what to do next."
"All right, but Ryan…"
He
waited for the rest of her sentence, but she couldn't seem to come up with any words.
Then she said, "I'm sorry—for a lot of things, and I know you are, too. You said earlier that maybe we should call it even, and I'd like to do that."
"So would I."
"Good."
As he moved to walk past her, she caught his arm with her hand.
He gave her an enquiring look.
She hesitated and then pressed on to her toes, so she could kiss him.
It was soft and sweet, a tender kiss that felt like the start of something new. But it was way too short.
There was a glittering spark of desire in her eyes when she pulled away, a spark he hadn't seen in a long time. He wanted to put a match to that spark. He wanted to build a fire and have it consume them.
But Nicole was too fragile right now, and he didn't want to mess up what seemed like a new beginning.
"Go take your shower," she said, letting go of his arm.
He would. But now it was going to have to be a cold one.
Chapter Thirteen
Jessica hesitated as she came downstairs, hearing Sean on the phone with Ryan. Ever since Nicole had run out of the house, Sean had been making vague excuses for his sister's behavior, but Jessica hadn't believed any of them. There had been a stricken look in Nicole's eyes when she'd left Kyle's bedroom, almost as if she'd heard the voice of a ghost. And while Jessica understood better than anyone how on edge they all were, there had been something different about Nicole's reaction.
"Is Nicole all right?" she asked, walking into the living room as Sean got off the phone.
"She will be. They went back to their hotel. They need to regroup."
"Can you tell me now what happened? Or is it a secret?"
"It's not a secret, but I wanted to check with Nicole before I spoke to you."
"So, what's the story?" she asked.
"Brandon is autistic," he said.
His short blunt statement took her by surprise. She didn't know what she'd been expecting, but it hadn't been that. "I—I don't understand."
"Sit down." Sean took a seat in the armchair as he waved her toward the couch.
"Was he born that way?" she asked.
"No, it came on when he was about three. Before that, he was fine. Nicole has been working hard to get him better. She's taken him to different doctors and treatment centers. She cut down her hours on her job, so she could work one-on-one with him every day, but nothing has worked. It's been really difficult for Nicole and Ryan. Quite frankly, it's rocked their marriage."
"Wow," she murmured. "I don't know what to say. I'm sorry. Why didn't Nicole tell me?"
"I don’t think she knew how to bring it up. But when she heard Kyle's voice on the video, it pushed her over the edge. He sounded like Brandon when Brandon was okay. I'm a dumbass for asking you to show me the video. I should have realized that Nicole would have a hard time with it."
Jessica sat back against the cushions. She hadn't been a mother very long. And in some ways she felt like an amateur, but she'd fallen hard for Kyle, and she couldn't imagine how she would react if he suddenly got sick and withdrew from her. She knew she'd miss him, because she missed him like crazy now. But he would come home, and he would be all right. When Brandon came home, he'd still be autistic, and Nicole and Ryan would still have a battle to fight.
She glanced back at Sean. "Nicole and Ryan seem like they're in perfect sync. You said they've been having problems?"
"Yes, but I definitely talk too much, so maybe don't share that with them."
"I won't."
"We all hope that they'll work things out. They've been together since they were teenagers." He frowned. "I don't want you to think that any of us wish Kyle wasn't healthy and happy. It's not about that."
"I understand. When you look at Kyle, you think of Brandon and what he might have been like if he hadn't gotten sick."
"Exactly."
"Maybe being with Kyle will be helpful to Brandon."
"That would be something positive to come out of all this," he said.
"I wish Nicole had told me about Brandon. I feel like I've been bragging about Kyle every other second."
"You should brag. Kyle is a great kid, and he's your son. It's okay to think he's amazing."
"He is amazing. And resilient," she added. "Kyle has lost so many people in his short life, his real parents and then his adoptive parents, first Sharon, then Travis. And losing his father was a huge blow, because he was old enough to really feel that loss. He couldn't sleep alone in his bed for weeks. He kept asking me when Travis was coming back, and every time I saw the hope in his eyes, I had to kill it with the truth."
"That's rough."
"I tried to love him through the loss, so he wouldn't feel like he was getting stuck with the short end of the stick—me. But in reality that's exactly what happened."
"You're not the short end of any stick."
"You don't know me well enough to say that."
"I have good instincts about people," he said with a smile.
"And you're modest, too," she said, smiling back at him.
For some reason, she felt surprisingly at ease with Sean. He was her age, or a few years older, and he wasn't judgmental. It was nice to talk to someone who wasn't part of the Angel's Bay world, didn't fall in either camp, her friends, or her enemies.
"Never said I was modest," he replied.
As his smile broadened, she had a feeling he was a killer with the women. What girl didn't like a hot guy, who could also sing love songs? But he was probably a player, with a woman in every city. She knew what musicians were like. Her mother had dated enough of them.
Her thoughts were distracted by the buzz of her phone. It was Kara. Finally!
"Hi, Kara," she said. "Do you have any information for me?"
"Unfortunately, no," Kara said, regret in her voice. "My grandmother's journals from six years ago haven't been located. We've been looking all day for them. You know, she recently moved in with my mother, so a lot of her stuff was put into storage. I'm really sorry. I'm making phone calls and sending out emails to the guild members to see if someone remembers making the quilts. I didn't want to leave you hanging, so I thought I better let you know where I am in the process. I'm confident someone will come through with an answer before too long."
"I hope so," Jessica said, disappointed that they still didn't have a name.
"I'll be in touch. Do you need anything else? Do you have people with you? I don't want you to be alone. I spoke to Charlotte, and she's tied up with a complicated delivery at the hospital, so she said she probably won't be available until tomorrow."
"I'm fine, and I'm not alone," she said. "Don't worry about me. You've both done so much already. Just call me when you know anything."
She finished the call and looked up to see Sean's expectant gaze. "No news on the quilter, but Kara is continuing to work on it."
He gave her a thoughtful look. "You said you weren't alone, but you would be, if I wasn't here. Where are your friends?"
"I don't have many in town besides Kara and Charlotte. I told you that my in-laws don't like me, and I haven't really connected with the mothers at Kyle's school. A lot of them know the Schillings, so they kind of treat me like I have the plague sometimes."
"I thought this was supposed to be a wonderful small town."
"It is. Some of the blame is on me. When Travis was alive, I spent all my time with him and Kyle. And after he died, I was too upset to worry about leaving the house and doing anything but keeping Kyle going. I wasn't worried about making friends, and as a result I don't have too many, but the ones I have are great. Charlotte and Kara have spent a lot of time with me the last few days, but they have jobs and families, too." She took a breath. "I don't know why I'm talking so much. You're a good listener."
"I grew up in the middle of a family of eight, with lots of big personalities on either side of me. It was hard to get a word in. So I didn't try that
hard. I just played my guitar and let the rest of the world go on around me. Music was my escape."
"I tried to make dance my escape, but it didn't really work. I was good at it, but it wasn't my passion or my dream."
He leaned forward, his eyes intent on hers. "So what was your dream?'
"I don't know," she said.
"I think you do."
"Well, I guess it was family," she said slowly. "And I got that family with Travis and Kyle. But now..." A knot grew in her throat. "Let's talk about something else."
"Do you want me to go, Jessica?" he asked.
"Do you want to go? You can, if you want," she said, even though she didn't really like the idea of him leaving. The house felt too quiet without Kyle.
"Not really. I was thinking about trying out your piano," he said, getting to his feet. "Do you play?"
"No. The only one who pounds those keys is Kyle, and while he plays with enthusiasm, he's pretty bad."
Sean smiled. "Enthusiasm is where it starts."
"Can you play me one of your songs?"
"I can," he said with a nod, as he walked over to the piano and sat down on the bench.
She got up from the couch and walked across the room to stand next to the piano.
Sean ran his fingers along the keys and then began to play. It was a ballad, the melody beautiful. But it was when he started to sing, that he took her breath away.
His tone was so deep, so pure, and it fit the song perfectly. The lyrics about finding courage, standing strong, being brave enough to smile resonated on so many levels. She found herself feeling surprisingly hopeful by the end of it.
When he finished, he lowered his hands to his thighs and looked at her with his piercing blue eyes. "Well?"
She had to force a breath into her tight chest. "Not bad," she said, which was a lie. She hadn't been so moved by a song in a long time.
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