by Kitty Parker
I picked up her paws and swung them around forming karate moves; she just sniffed and eyed me dully. Honestly, where was the pet-to-owner respect? Most Dogs would lap it up if their owner was cooeeing at them and making baby faces, but no, not Taffy. She has to be a stubborn brat.
It was Monday morning and I was ready and rearing to go to school, but the problem is, its only 6:30 am. Yeah, I don't think my Grandmother would appreciate it all too much. So I went to annoy my dog instead, who had snuck into the living room and had been sleeping in front of the heater all night. I was hoping she had fried all of her hairs off, but no such luck. That may seem a little sadistic, but honestly, that dog was more trouble then she was worth.
With one look into here puppy-dog eyes I would completely deny I had ever thought such a thing however, she was just that darn cute.
"So Taffy," I said clearing my throat and holding a newspaper to my lips as if it was a microphone "What do you have to say on the current topic?"
I turned the newspaper to Taffy. She piddled on the floor. Crap. She wagged her tail. I scowled at her. She gave me puppy-eyes. I melted.
I got up muttering to myself and went to collect a cloth but froze when hearing the slam of a door "Reese Lillian Anderson what in God's name are you doing up at this ghastly hour!?"
I jumped in front of Taffy and her piddle "Uh, I couldn't sleep?"
Good job Reese, the truth will always prevail-
"What is that awful smell?!" Grandmother demanded.
Then again, I guess some things are better left unsaid.
"Did you forget to flush the toilet Reese!?" she demanded pinching her nose "Honestly-"
"Oi! Don't blame it on me! Maybe you have been forgetting things in your old age!"
Honestly! I do not forget to flush the toilet thank you very much!
"Reese Lillian Anderson!" my Grandmother hissed again "What is behind your back?!"
"My shirt Grandmother." I told her. Hey, it was the truth, wasn't it? My shirt was behind my back. Technically.
"Move. Now." She order pointing her finger at me as if it would shoot out needles and stab me in the eyes, her own-eyes that is-turning to slits.
I moved.
"Not your hand Reese." She informed me with cold rage. Gees, you'd think I had cut off the foreign channels on the TV or something.Somebody needs anger management.
"Reese!!" she scolded me uproariously. Oops. Must have said that out loud.
I shuffled guiltily out of the way, but seriously, it so wasn't my fault. I have no control over where my Dog pees, gees, I don't have supernatural powers that make dogs piss where I want!
I heard something crash and Grandmother screamed obscenities-in other languages of course-and I heard pounding footsteps coming closer.
In the excitement I cowered, sitting in crash position and waiting for something to happen. I heard an innocent little yap and looked up to see what was going on. I blinked and gaped at the scene in horror.
"GRANDMOTHER, PUT THE DOG DOWN!"
* * *
I walked shivering to school, a frown on my face. Grandmother had shoved me out the door with my bag and no jumper. Nice.
Honestly, all I did was tell her to calm down. I mean, like, she needed to be told! She was threatening to flush poor Taffy down the toilet! I mean, she wouldn't actually flush Taffy down the toilet, she loved Taffy. But, she would do something. Puppy eyes had no effect on that woman.
Just because I also happened to tip a bucket of freezing cold water over her head, but, it was the only way I could get her to think clearly. Well, for about two seconds. Then all her anger was focused on poor little me, who only tried to stop her from violating a law, animal cruelty.
Did I mention that I was also soaking wet? Yeah, Grandmother got her revenge alright; she chased me about the house for an hour! She then led me into false security thinking I had lost her. But alas, as I cowered, hiding under the clothes horse, she tipped a bloody bucket of water over my head. She then cackled with glee, running off to somewhere in the house. Evil woman.
It was one thing to tip the bucket of water over my head but it was another to make me walk to school still in wet clothing, with no jumper. Did this woman not know of, oh, I dunno, colds? Well, you get them in the cold. Which it is. Incredibly.
There is only one thing that keeps me warm-figuratively speaking-and that is, well, forcing-with lots of force-The Pervert to explain himself.
Because, well, as I said before, that boys got some splainin' to do.
* * *
I trudged through the school gates, wet, shivering and somewhat insane. But isn't everyone just a little bit insane? Hmm? Tom Cruise definitely fits into that category, I mean, scientology? Sorry. That is just the most pathetic excuse for a religion. Ever.
I do not in any way want to get into an argument with anyone about this fact. Yes, I did indeed say, fact. Lets face it people, you were not-under any circumstance-brought to this Earth by aliens.
I'm sorry, as much as I like the idea of weird little beings with big heads and scrawny bodies dumping us on this whacked planet, no. That isnot true, whatsoever.
I scan the school grounds with narrowed eyes, Kelly, Teacher, Teacher, The Pervert, a worm-THE PERVERT!
I cackled evilly and made my way over to him, a glint in my eyes.
I stood before him, a manic grin on my face.
"Christ!! What the hell is wrong with you Reese!?" The Pervert hissed pulling at the sides of my t-shirt.
I ripped my t-shirt out of his hands with annoyance; I was supposed to be the angry demanding one here!! Honestly! People really need to learn their roles! I am the angry one and they are the people cowering before me in mercy.
I whipped The Perverts note out of my pocket and shoved it in his face "Is this familiar to you Mr Holliday? Got something to say? Something to explain maybe?"
"Fruit Loops, prawn crackers, potato chips-"
I blinked, what on Earth did any of those things have to do with the current situation!?
"I'm thinking this is your shopping list Reese?" The Pervert asked with a raised eyebrow "I honestly don't see what it has do with me but I'm sure it seems logical to your whacked up brain."
I snatched the note out of his hands "Oh for the love of-" I smacked my forehead "The point is, you slipped a note into my bag!"
Mental note: Next time when collecting something that is vital to accusing someone of doing something, make sure you collect the evidence and not your shopping list. Definitely not your shopping list. It won't help you any. Just makes me hungry damn it!
The Perverts face twisted into a look of mirth as he smirked at me "I don't know what you're talking about Reese, honestly."
"You do so you big, fat, LIAR!" I accused shrilly, jabbing him in the chest as I did so.
"Hey look, what's on the campus screen?!" The Pervert said spinning around to look at the TV.
"Don't you dare-" I started but then my jaw dropped at what was on the screen "Oh. My. God."
If I had a box right now I would be hiding in it.
"Whoa, touch down!" I saw myself shouting, punching a fist in the air after falling off the stage.
Ok, maybe I hadn't concealed it was an accident so much.
I heard snorts of laughter coming from somewhere near me, I would bet my life savings on who it is.
"S-smooth one Mikey!" The Perverted keeled over, literally rolling around on the floor laughing. Ground rather. Who cares? He is dead meat!
"S-shut up!" I demanded angrily at him, stamping a foot childishly "D-do you want a punch in the nose!?"
"R-Reese you're b-blushing!" he snorted between fits of laughter.
"I am not!" I protested, I was not blushing damn it! Where is the evidence?! Where!?
He held out a mobile-presumably his-and it flashed in my face, he had taken a picture!
I stumbled about dazed for a second-it's all the flashes fault-trying to avoid running into people or poles, signposts, billboards etc. befor
e being able to 'attempt' at stealing the phone from him.
I say attempt because I didn't exactly snatch it out of his hands, it was dangling safely out of arms reach as The Pervert held it above me, mocking me as he did so.
He did, however, flip it around so I could the picture of myself on there, with rather pink cheeks. Damn it. I had blushed.
"That's going to be my screensaver forever." He told me laughing and I just grunted at him, putting my hands on my hips in annoyance.
"Yeah, whatever." I muttered bitterly, this hadn't gone the way I had planned. He hadn't spilled the deal about the note yet, and wasn't down on the ground in pieces. Or atleast a little bruised, just one here, there...everywhere.
I was about to refer to the previous subject but The Pervert had grabbed my hand and was dragging me along behind him.
"You are going to take those clothes off." He ordered me and I attempted at slapping his hand away in indignation.
"What?!" I hissed incredulously at him.
He rolled his eyes at me exasperatedly "Idiot. Not in front of me-if you don't want to hah-you're wet and you will catch a cold!" he scolded me once more.
"Alright, I'll change my clothes on one condition." I told him, jabbing him in the back.
"What?" he inquired turning slightly and looking at me with a quirked eyebrow.
"What of the note Pervert boy?" I demanded clutching at his hand so he couldn't get away.
"Hah. Yeah right. You'll figure it out." He smirked, turning back around "I suggest you request something else."
I snorted; I didn't want anything else from him. But I followed him anyway, wet clothes are uncomfortable.
"Why on earth do you have clothes in your bag anyway?" I asked with a contemplating frown.
"Why do you think? People like you have no common sense! I mean, I usually bring another jumper but-"
"Hey! My Grandmother dumped a bucket of water over my head and shoved me out the door!" I exclaimed indignantly.
"Oh yeah right." He rolled his eyes as he reached his locker "Your Grandmother did it. Nice excuse."
My jaw dropped, he didn't believe me! I mean, on normal circumstances with normal Grandmothers, I would understand. But my Grandmother is not normal.
"She did!" I protested waving an arm about.
"Uha." He grunted in reply with another eye roll. I frowned, stupid jerk!
He let go of my hand and opened his locker, snatching the clothes from his locker into my hands.
"Honestly. You're not even wearing a jumper." He scolded shoving me in the direction of the girl's bathroom and slamming his locker shut.
I mimed him as I begrudgingly made my way to the bathroom "I saw that!" he told me as I walked off. Yeah, whatever Pervert boy, I'm soscared.
I pushed open the bathroom door and heard quiet sobs coming from a cubicle, I tip-toed in feeling a bit bad for walking in on someone's sob fest.
But I froze when I saw who was coming out of the cubicle, Kelly Kosher.
That girl whined, screamed, you name it! But I hadn't really seen her cry since kindergarten.
She didn't even cry about the-gunk-in-hair thing, so this had to be serious. That or one of her favourite boy band members had died. I am voting for Aaron Carter, is he in a boy band?
"Oh. My. God. Why are you so...wet?" Kelly demanded, putting a hand on her hip and gaping at me.
Really now, I should be gaping at her. She was the one who was just crying for heavens sakes.
"Grandmother." I replied honestly.
She quirked an eyebrow at me before shrugging it off and washing her hands "Whatever. Don't tell anyone I was crying ok?"
"Ah, image ruining. Don't worry; I'll keep it for blackmail." I assured her patting her on the shoulder "By the way Kelly, why were you crying?"
She sniffed and dried her hands off "Look, its none of your business."
"Just say it Kosher, I know none of your ditzy little friends will give a damn." I replied with a roll of my eyes. It may seem harsh but, this is just the way Kelly and I interact. Besides, it was true. Her friends cared more about hair products and their social status then about her.
"I just had a little tiff with my boyfriend. I'm fine." Kelly retorted tossing a hand towel in the bin.
A tiff? Kelly wouldn't cry just over a tiff. She would frown and then go buy herself a new handbag, that's just how it worked.
"I don't believe you." I sing-songed under my breath, she just shot me a glare and walked out the door, after checking her image of course. Still red-eyed. I'm sure she will be able to convince her feather brained little friends that it was in style or something however.
Now, time to get out of these stupid clothes!
* * *
I sat in detention eyeing The Pervert suspiciously and making 'I'm watching you' gestures at him. He just snorted and continued on reading the stupid self-help book the teacher had handed us.
Though it may be stupid, this book made for one amusing read.
Do not listen to what those voices in your head tell you, be positive, wear your happy face. Just grin and bare it.
Hah, who's insane?! Me or who wrote this book?!
"So, Pervert boy, about that note-"
"Reese, please be quiet. Just read the book" the teacher ordered me tiredly and I shot him a look of annoyance before doing so.
I had tried getting him in maths but he had shushed me and told me to get on with my equations. The teacher agreed with him, sending him an amiable grin. Silly maths teacher, get back to reading the latest subscription of Girlfriend magazine, or whatever it is you read while torturing us poor souls.
It was getting annoying, real annoying.
Be one with your inner sanity, be one!
Just grin and bare it Reese, grin and bare it...
Killing is bad; it is a crime that you must never commit. Against anyone, including yourself. You are special; you don't need to explode things.
Wow, how enlightening. Special and explode can go in the same sentence.
Honestly, I reckon the people who wrote this book need to read a self-help book themselves. That or I advise either friends or family to encourage them to be put into a home.
The bell rang, yay, maths, and another chance to probe The Pervert for information.
"Did you like the book Reese?" the teacher inquired as I picked up my stuff.
"Uh...very enlightening." I replied meekly, stifling a snort of laughter
"I wrote it myself."
Yes, of course you did. You crazy, crazy man.
* * *
Later that day, I was walking along the lake with Scruffy. Dave had finally given in to letting me do so, his hands already bandaged over his previous attempts.
I had been unsuccessful at convincing The Pervert to explain himself, stubborn little-
Why is that goose staring at me?
I shrugged and went on walking, stopping by the pond to wave at the ducks.
"Hi there ducky! Quack! Quack!" I tittered at it, waving some more "Do you want some bread ducky? Do you? Do-"
SPA-LASH
I looked up to see the goose staring menacingly at me. Oh crap.
Chapter 9: Shopping Trip of Doom, the Horror!
-
Well, my days just been swell. Sarcasm.
But it's all cool; the goose left me alone after it was satisfied with all the peck marks that covered my body.
It would have been nice if I could have pried the information out of The Pervert though, he will not be so lucky tomorrow. I want to knoweverything, his meaning about The Event, could he be-?
I don't really even want to think about that stuff again but...
I sighed and looked down at the shopping list; normally Grandmother wouldn't dare let me do the shopping. But tonight she had been invited out-of-blue to one of Mary Garland's garden parties. You just didn't miss one of Mary Garland's parties, especially if you were Grandmother.
Mary Garland and my Grandmother have this thing you se
e; they both absolutely hate each other. That's why they invite each other to their garden parties and chat over tea. Yeah, it doesn't make sense to me either. But hec, whatever floats your boat!
Nonetheless Grandmother had given me a list of instructions as follows:
Do not make eye contact with the Bum's that sit outside the supermarket with their bottles of booze and cigarettes.
Do not give them money.
And on any circumstance do not make eye contact. I cannot say that enough. One of them tried to hit on me once.
No offence Gran, but were they blind? I mean, back in the day you were a looker but you're not exactly a spring chicken perse.
Do not scare little children.
Do not scare their mothers.
Scare their mothers? Honestly, I don't think I could if I tried. Provoking a Mother with a child is like throwing sticks at a pit bull or putting your hand in a bird cage, you just don't do it. Well, if you want to live.
Do not point and laugh at people or plead with the workers to let you into the freezer room so you can pop your head out when people are trying to get milk.
I only did it once. The lady calmed down after a while. Besides, the worker was an idiot to let me in the first place. So not my fault.
Be polite and talk normally
On second thought, don't talk at all.
Nice Grandmother, nice.
Do not make faces at the fish in the pet store if you happen to pass it. I know you always do.
Oops, should have read it earlier.
Just behave yourself dear, ok? Tata!
I'll try Grandmother, I'll try. I think I'm going to hand this note in to my detention teacher, sounds like something he might appreciate.
Ho hum. I don't think potato chips are on this list which is funny because we are running out. Oh well, I'll get them anyway.
I peered down at the list some more, we need flour eh? Off we go then.
I skipped down the aisles and upon reaching the section grabbed a packet of flour and observed it.
Made in China.
What the hell?! Made in China? Is everything made in China?
Snorting at it I chucked it in the trolley with a huff. Stupid flour.
