by Marilyn Grey
Butterflies. Worms. Whatever they were ... they were intense. I wanted to throw up.
I typed back, I have plans with Autumn tonight but maybe if it's not too late there when I get back.
I didn't have plans. Told you I lied to avoid things. Ugh. Donovan wasn't the only one I annoyed. Totally annoyed myself on a daily basis.
"No," I told myself as I typed. "I'm not going to lie this time."
I typed back to him, Actually I'm lying because it makes me nervous. Let's talk tonight. Break me out of my shell.
He said: Don't be nervous. Actually, be nervous. That means there's something between us. If not you wouldn't care enough to be nervous.
I waited a few seconds, then typed, All that's between us is an ocean.
I erased that and said, I'm just nervous to lose the challenge.
Him: I'll pretend to believe you just so I don't scare you away. Now go prepare for your demise!
Me: Oooh....nervous! :) Talk to ya soon, Alistair!
So ... is it possible for a day to feel like the longest and shortest day all at the same time? I dreaded and looked forward to talking to him. Both. I think what scared me the most was that I knew he liked me. He made it obvious. I guess the scariest thing was that I kinda liked him too. When I woke up to a random middle of the night text that just said "Jane" it comforted and excited me all at once. I think I spent the last few nights sleeping with a smile on my face. And the Batman thing....
Autumn told me not to worry about it so much and just take things one step at a time, but I think what worried me more than potentially falling for someone and getting stepped on, was losing Donovan. I never felt it as strongly as I did now, because I didn't need to. We were best friends. We talked all the time. About everything.
Since Han started seeing him, I hadn't talked to him in days and Alistair now texted me every night. Han took my place. Alistair stole his. Our best friend status would soon be demoted to "Hey, it's been a while. How ya doing?"
Maybe even—gasp!—brother and sister status.
I didn't want that.
So I made Autumn come over before Alistair called. She helped me get my mind off of it for a while. We laughed and talked and watched The Office. Donovan's favorite show. Mine too. We watched so many episodes together. I kept thinking about him and I guess it showed.
"Worried about the call again?" Autumn said.
"You know what's weird?"
"Besides you?"
"Besides that."
"What?"
"I ... I can't ... well, one of the reasons I'm worried about this is because of Don."
"He'd be thrilled if you found someone."
"No. I mean, yeah. Maybe he would, but I meant that I'm worried I'll lose him for good. Alistair is nice and all, but Donovan is my best friend. I don't want to lose him."
"One of your best friends, I might add."
"Yeah." I laughed. "Autumn...."
She stared at me. My heart rate picked up as the words entered my mind. I think my heart just tossed 'em up there without my consent, because they very idea of admitting it seemed torturous.
"Jane...." she finally said.
"I think I..." I cringed.
She smiled. "I know what you're gonna say and I'll just be ready to tell you I told you so."
"What?"
"No. I want to hear you say it."
"I don't know. This is stupid. I'm being stupid. I just miss Donovan, that's all. We were close for years. It was bound to happen. Just so soon? We're only eighteen. Could Han really end up being the one he marries?"
"Who knows. Plenty of people find their spouse even in high school." She smirked and poked my knee. "Question is, why does it bother you?"
"Answer is, I miss him."
"Question is, why?"
"Answer is," I mocked. "I lov—"
Her eyebrows raised.
"I didn't mean it like that. You know I love him like I love you."
"Do you miss me when I get a boyfriend? Which, by the way, that other guy ... I'm not dating him anymore."
"Actually I do miss you when you have a guy."
"Are you nervous to talk to someone you may have feelings for because you're worried you might lose me for good?"
"How'd you know?" I teased, then wanted to bury my head in the couch like a four-year-old.
"I told you so." She beamed brighter than an obnoxious fluorescent light. "That's all I'm gonna say."
After Autumn left I got comfortable with my Batman trivia questions and waited in bed for him to call. He said he'd call at 7pm. It was 6:54 and the worms and butterflies decided to have a war inside of me. Zoe wasn't home. If so, I would've been sitting in my car somewhere. But bed it was. I kicked the blankets off. Sweat galore.
I rushed downstairs to the thermostat and cranked the A/C down to 64. Just till the call was over and my body stopped its unappealing antics.
I got back into bed. Sat up. Then down. Up. Down.
My phone rang.
I stared at the screen as it lit up with his name.
It rang again.
I held it in my hand.
Third ring.
I wiped my hands on my sheet, then answered the call.
"Alistair," I said.
"Jane," he whispered. My name sounded fifty times better when he said it. I like how he held the A.
"Who got shot during The Killing Joke story?"
"Barbara Gordon." He chuckled under his breath. "Which Robin got killed by the Joker?"
"Um ... is it Dick Grayson? No, Todd? Wait..."
He laughed. "Jane ... it's good to hear your voice again."
"Yeah." Cue the nervous laugh. And cut. "You too."
Long pause. "Jane?"
"Ye-yeah?"
"Let's have a new day. In my note I called it The Big Day. Let's make it in October."
"Okay, but aren't we planning to see each other in October anyway?"
"Yes. But I would like to finish what I started."
"Oh." Butterflies. Definitely not worms. "You mean ... the ... the kiss?"
"October 14th. The airport. I'll wait at the table where we last sat." He paused. "If you're there, I'll assume you want me to kiss you. Not in the airport, obviously, but somewhere ... somewhere around there."
"But you're not flying into Philly again, are you?" Like how I avoided the kiss thing? Sigh....
"No. We will be driving about, but ... well, where else could we meet?"
"At the top of the steps that Sylvester Stallone ran up in Rocky." Why did I just say that?
"Sounds absolutely perfect."
I laughed.
"What?"
"I don't know if you just talk so proper or if it's your accent, or both combined, but it's kinda funny. I feel like I'm listening to a BBC drama sometimes. Or Hugh Grant."
"Thanks." He laughed. "Now I can cross that one off of my bucket list. Always wanted to sound like a BBC drama and Hugh Grant."
"I'm glad I pointed it out to you then."
"Me too."
A few minutes of silence snuck by us. Like the time we sat in the car together. Like so many times with Donovan. Comfortable awkward silence.
I loved it.
Listening to him breathe as he listened to me.
"Ahhhhhh," Zoe screamed as she bolted up the steps and into her room. "What the hell, Jane? It's a freaking igloo in here." The springs in her bed creaked when she jumped on her bed. So loud I heard through the wall. "Jane!"
"What was that?" Alistair's voice was wearing out. He was tired.
"My roommate." I laughed under my breath. "I forgot I had turned the A/C down and I'm all under the blankets. It probably feels like she walked into a freezer."
He didn't respond and his breathing became heavy and slow.
"Alistair," I whispered.
"Jane."
"You're tired."
"I am."
"Go to bed. We'll talk tomorrow."
"Promise?"
I hesit
ated, then gave him my promise. "Yes."
"Goodnight, duck."
"Duck?" I smiled. "Is that supposed to be a good thing?"
He laughed a little, but it sounded like he was already half asleep. "It's not so proper."
"Okay ... well, quack, quack, and goodnight."
"Heh ... goodnight."
Poor guy. I hung up the phone since he probably didn't even realize we were still talking in real life, then I ran downstairs and turned the A/C back to normal. When I got back to my bed I sent Autumn a quick text. She sent me fifteen texts as I was on the phone. All pretty much saying, "What's happening? Is it good? How do you feel? Do you like him? Does he like you?" And on and on it went.
I responded with a very simple answer.
:-)
That little smiley face would torture her till morning, but there are some experiences that don't need to be shared, you know? I feel like it almost ruins them. When you give a little piece of it to someone else it's not only yours anymore. I wanted to keep this one safe. For many reasons. And Autumn would text me first thing in the morning and do everything in her power to make me tell her, but I wouldn't.
Donovan and I had many memories locked inside of us. Memories only we knew and loved.
And now he was making new ones with someone who lit up his life in ways I never could.
The smile Alistair planted on my face disappeared.
I pulled the blankets to my ears and thought about Monday. One more day between me and a new adventure. Can we say nervous?
I stared at the window knowing I would never sleep and as much as my mind kept drifting to Donovan, thoughts of Alistair interrupted constantly.
They interrupted. And won.
It's probably just the Batman thing....
Eventually—surprise, surprise—I fell asleep with thoughts of him and woke in the middle of a dream about us—Alistair and me—walking around as ducks. It should've been a nightmare, but there was something oddly peaceful about it. Strange, though. I'm not denying the strangeness.
Half asleep, I turned to my phone expecting to see a text that said nothing more than my name, but instead it was Mom. At 3:47am.
Just wanted you to know that I love you and I miss you, Janie. -Mom
Sometimes a mother's love is even better than a boy's. It's a love that—at least in my case—could never be ruined. I didn't need to grow in her womb to know that. She meant the world to me. She always would.
Love you too, Mom. -Janie
Chapter 20
Well, the big day arrived. No, not The Big Day with capitals as Alistair liked to write. The grand opening of my shop!
Han and Brooke came in at 7am to help. We officially turned the sign on the door to open at 9am and waited for someone to come in.
At 10am the door bells finally rang as ... Autumn walked in.
"How's it going?" she said. "Any sales yet?"
I shook my head. "Maybe I should've done more advertising."
"Haven't people been walking by?"
She turned to the window as two women passed.
"Yeah," I said. "And they keep right on walking."
"Do not worry," Han said with a smile. "They will come. They will come in right time."
I swallowed. "We hope."
"Don't be pessimistic again, Jane," Autumn said. "It's the first hour you've been open."
The bells rang again.
"Oh, thank you for coming." I gave her a hug. "Hey, Autumn, Brooke, Han, this is Dee. She's the one who gave me the awesome Batman tattoo."
Dee nodded and tugged on one of her many earrings. "I love this place. Wow. You did a great job." She ran her hands along some of the graphic tees. "Did you make these?"
"I designed the prints, but had them made."
"I love it." She thumbed through the rack and placed two of them over her forearm. "I'll get these."
"Thank you so much. Just come over to the register real quick." I rang up her order and gave her the receipt. "Seriously, thank you for coming."
"Anytime." She took her bag. "Ella and some of her friends should be stopping in later. Knowing Ella she'll buy a ton just to help a sister out, but she will love this style. She's like Audrey Hepburn meets, well, Jane Austen." She laughed. "Still can't get over that."
"Don't remind me."
Someone walked in the door. I assumed only friends and family would come in today, but these two college-age looking girls walked in. Strangers.
Brooke greeted them kindly as I tried not to stare at them while they perused the clothes. I pretended to busy myself with something behind the counter, but I was listening to everything they said. Autumn pretended to be a shopper, which I thought was hilarious. She scooted next to them and sifted through a rack of dresses, commenting out loud about how nice they were.
"Really?" the one girl said quietly. "This stuff is strange."
"Yeah," her friend agreed, not so quietly. "Don't like it. Let's go."
"Strange?" I said as the bells clanged against the door and the girls disappeared. "What's that supposed to mean?"
"Do not worry," Han said. "They just have more modern taste."
"Your stuff is fresh and awesome," Autumn said. "Some people just won't get it. Pretty sure it's unlike any other line of clothes in major stores. It's unusual, yeah, but that's a good thing."
Door opened again and I honestly wished it were a friend, but it was a man and his wife who held a baby.
"Hi, welcome to Rosalind's," I tried to sound cheery. Good thing I had theatre classes. "Let me know if I can help with anything."
What was I thinking? I felt like a child trying to run a candy store. I should've waited. Everyone was going to hate everything. So dumb. Such a waste of my time and my parent's money.
"Hey, you must be Jane," the woman said. "I'm Sarah." She stood closer to the counter and swayed her baby in her arms. "I'm Ella's friend. The woman you met who teaches violin." She gestured toward the man. "And this is my husband, Vasili."
"Oh, right." I held out my hand and shook both of theirs. "So nice to meet you."
She looked around. "This place is beautiful."
Her husband put his arm around her and looked around too. "You started this place? By yourself?"
"I've had a lot of help."
The door opened and Ella came with a man I assumed was her husband.
"Hey, Ella," I said, coming around the counter to greet her. "Thanks so much for coming."
I stuck my hand out, but she pulled me into a warm hug and held it for a few seconds longer than acquaintances normally do.
"This is even better than I imagined." She tapped the man's chest. "This is my love, Gavin. Kids are with my brother and sister-in-law."
"Nice to meet you." I waved my hand toward the clothes. "Do you like the clothes? Be honest."
"Wow," she said.
"She may be a little biased," Gavin said. "This stuff is right up her alley."
"I love it," she said, already looking through several racks and handing a few things to Gavin, then stacking more on her arm. "If I could afford it, I'd buy this entire store."
I blushed. "Thank you."
Brooke stepped toward me and nudged my shoulder. "See. Just takes the right person."
Ella and her friend checked out with Han. I met them at the door and thanked them again for coming and buying five bags of stuff.
Ella gave me another hug and looked around the room again. "Such a nice place. With Jane Austen as your name and taste like this, I bet you have one lucky boyfriend."
Aha! Expectations!
"No boyfriend," Autumn chimed in. "She's like anti-love. Totally feminist."
I raised my eyebrows. "I'm not anti-love. In fact, I think I love someone right now. And feminist's aren't anti-love anyway. They're anti being treated like trash just because they're women."
Everyone stared at me. The music in the background suddenly got much louder. Autumn's mouth gaped open like she was frozen in place while saying, "Wh
at?"
Ella hugged me again and whispered, "If you have to think about being in love, you aren't. When it's the right one you just know."
I smiled and nodded. "That's what my mom says, but I don't know. That kind of love is for certain people, not me."
"It's for everyone," Sarah said. "If they want it." She linked her fingers with her husband's. "Good luck with everything, Jane. I'm really impressed."
"Thank you."
When they finally left I exhaled. I must've held my breath without realizing it. I turned toward the door and bumped into Donovan.
"Oh." My hand was on his chest. "I ... um ... hey."
My hand was still on his chest and I couldn't move it. Why couldn't I move it?
Move, hand. Move!
He stepped to the side and my hand fell. I stood there. Uncomfortable awkwardness. Yes, UNcomfortable.
"How's it going?" He looked in Han's direction. Not mine. Me, you know, who owned the boutique.
When did he come in? Did he go through the back door? My heart rate sped up. Did he hear what I said?
Autumn hadn't moved.
"What?" I mouthed.
Donovan and Han disappeared in the back and Autumn grabbed my arm and forced me to the back of the store.
"What did you say?" she whispered a little too loud.
"I was just kidding. I don't know. I think maybe I was embarrassed and said whatever came to mind." I turned to walk away.
She grabbed my arm. "Jane. Just tell me this. Donovan or Alistair?"
I shrugged. "Someone just came in. We'll talk later."
"It's Alistair, isn't it?" She followed me. "You guys have been talking a lot."
"I'm not talking about this. I didn't mean what I said. I don't even know what love is."
I made it to the front of the store. Autumn said goodbye to everyone and left. A few customers came in and left within seconds. Mom sent me a text that she was bringing Dad, Granny, and even Eddie around lunch time. Then another couple came in, holding hands. The man asked the woman if she wanted anything, she scrunched her nose and shook her head.
They left.
I tried not to let it get to me, but after four more customers came in and seemed to either hate or be completely disinterested in my clothing line ... well ... let's just say I felt small in a big world and it wasn't a good feeling anymore.
