by Marilyn Grey
"That guy." I leaned in. "He hit on me at the phone store the other day and now he saw us."
She looked.
"No, no. Don't look. Don't encourage it ."
"Wow." She smiled and waved at him and his friend. "They're hot."
"You're leaving in a few days and I'm not interested." I hid my face in the menu. "So stop smiling and waving at them."
"They're coming. They're coming!"
"Ugh. Autumn. I'm gonna kill you."
I set the menu back down and faked a smile. "Oh, hey."
He smiled. "Hey, Jane. This is my friend Noah. And..." He looked at Autumn.
"I'm Autumn." Oh no. Autumn turned into another person around boys. Flipped her hair and did stupid stuff. I wasn't prepared for this tonight. She shook their hands. "So, Noah and...."
"Cameron," the guy said.
"Oh, I love that name." Autumn. Please.
I busied myself with the menu.
"Could we eat with you?" Cameron said. "We just got here too."
"Yes!" Autumn scooted over.
"N—" I tried to object.
"Yeah, sit down." She waved them in. "We could use the company."
"We could?" I said without looking up from the menu.
"Jane, since you're so interested in that menu," Noah said, "how about you just read it aloud to us?"
I glanced up, then back down.
"She's anti-men," Autumn teased, knowing it would provoke my defensive speech.
But I decided to go ahead and read the menu aloud. And I did. All the way down the wine list too. When I finished I looked up at Autumn and Noah. And Cameron who was laughing beside me.
"So." I closed my menu. "What'll it be guys?"
"It's your treat, right?" Noah said.
"Of course." I played along. I didn't like him.
"You'll have to excuse her," Autumn said. "She's been rejected by the only guy she's ever loved."
"According to him I didn't actually love him."
"What's that supposed to mean?" Noah said.
The waiter set a root beer in front of me and a water in front of Autumn, then asked everyone what they wanted. Noah ordered a chicken pasta thing, Cameron got the steak and potato meal, and Autumn went with a large salad and a soup.
Then me. "I'll have five orders of the brownie dessert. Extra caramel sauce, please." I handed her my menu. "Yes, I'm serious."
Cameron laughed while Autumn inched toward Noah. By the end of the night she'd be on his lap.
"So why are you anti-men?" Noah said.
"Well, really it depends on the size of the penis."
Noah spit his soda out and Cameron's took a journey through his nose.
"She's kidding." Autumn grinned. "I hope."
"I'm not anti-anything," I said. "I love all things. In moderation."
"Jane believes that to date a guy you need to give him your heart or fall in love."
"And what do you believe?" Noah said.
"I believe in cutting strings and having fun."
"What about you Noah?" I looked at Cameron. "And you. What do you guys believe?"
"I'm good with no strings," Noah said.
"I think it depends on the girl," Cameron said.
My five brownies were suddenly in front of my face. I picked up a spoon and wasted no time. Autumn flirted during the entire meal. Cameron asked if he could have one of my brownies. I slid it to his side of the table and spaced out. Memories of Autumn drifted in and out of my mind. Our friendship over the years. Her excitement for life. The way she danced even when there was no music and then, when asked, she'd say, "There's always music."
In a week she would be gone for nine months, only visiting on holidays. Then she'd be gone the next three years after that. I imagined her with new friends. New interests. And I genuinely worried we'd grow apart.
I watched her twirl her straw and bat her eyelashes across the table and I didn't even care about the two guys sitting with us. All I cared about was taking pictures with my mind. Of my Autumn. My friend. My sister.
"It won't change that much," I said to myself.
"What won't" Cameron said.
"Oh, just the brownies. Sometimes they're wrapped in new packages, but they're still the same brownies."
He thought I was crazy. I liked that.
We finished eating, Autumn, of course, wrote her number on a receipt and slipped it into Noah's pocket. Cameron shifted his weight from one foot to the other until he finally stuttered a string of words. If I was interested in dating people I knew weren't right for me, I would've given him a chance. He was a very clean type of attractive guy. Probably the kind of guy cast in a romance film. And he had charm to him, a gentle child-like quality, but he was extremely shy. Forward, but shy. Unsure of himself. Like me. I knew myself well enough to know that I needed someone confident in himself without being conceited. Someone like Donovan.
Or Alistair.
"Still not interested?" he said.
"It wouldn't work anyway."
"Okay."
Autumn finally pried herself from Noah and the guys got into Cameron's car. As they drove away she waved at them.
"So deliciously sexy," she said through her smile. "Wow."
"Aren't they a bit old for us?"
She put her hand down and laughed. "Really, Jane? There's no such thing. As long as it's not over ten years."
"So there is such a thing then. Ten years? That's like ... he's in college while you're in middle school. Creepy."
"The older we get the less creepier it'll be. Come on, those guys were ridiculously hot. I could just—"
"I'd prefer to leave that a mystery."
"Why didn't you just give Cameron one date? Just one little date."
"Waste of time."
"I'll never understand."
"Likewise."
"Before I leave I want you to go on one date for fun. No strings. No relationships. Nothing serious. Just one date."
"I don't get why you people think that's fun. I'd rather spend the night home alone drawing and actually accomplishing something."
"Just one."
"Nope."
"What was it about Alistair that made you give him a chance?"
"I didn't give him a chance."
"You like him."
"Probably that he didn't give up. He was sweet. I don't know. There's something there or there isn't. He has something." We walked to the car as I imagined the afternoon we spent together, the phone calls, and the Batman roses that wilted by my bedside. "He made me feel."
"And now you'll never talk to him again."
"If not, then it wasn't meant to be."
"Do you think there will ever be a right time with Don?" She sat down in the car.
I did too, shaking my head as I pulled the door closed.
"Why?"
"He's going to marry Han."
"But he really loved you."
"The heart can only love a broken heart so much until it breaks itself. She's healing him. She's putting his pieces back together." My eyes burned. "I want that for him."
"Is that why you're stopped at a green light?"
"Precisely."
Chapter 35
Dad never was the I-told-you-so type, but I still expected him to be disappointed in me, which is why I stalled during my entire visit with them.
"We're heading to Granny's in fifteen minutes," Mom said as Dad and Eddie focused on the end of their Monopoly battle. "Want to come?"
"Oh, I can't right now," I said. "But I did want to tell you guys something before I leave."
"No worries," Eddie said while counting fake money. "Mom already has your room ready for you."
"Edward!" Mom's hands went to her hips. "Don't be so insensitive."
"We figured you'd need a place to stay until you found a good job." Dad picked up a card, then stopped to look at me. "There's no shame in it, Jane. Things didn't work out, that's all."
"I can hear disappointment in your voic
e, Dad."
He sat up straighter and inhaled. "I'd be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed in your decisions, but I'm not disappointed in you."
"You blew a ton of money," Eddie said. "Fast."
"Thanks, Ed. I'm sure you'll be so much wiser when you get yours."
He counted his fake money aloud, then said, "Probably right."
I sighed. "I still want to make the shop work. We have a lot of clothes made already and I thought maybe I could sell them online until I save money for a place."
"That's a great idea." Mom smiled.
"I know I should of thought of that from the start."
"It's a good lesson though," Dad said. "Now you know what not to do."
"Yeah, I do."
"You never were the quitting type," Mom said as she stood. "You boys ready to go?" Then she hugged me. "You'll work things out. I've always believed in you, Janie."
I'm sure glad someone did.
Zoe and I packed up the last of our stuff while Autumn did the same at her house. Two days left. Then she'd be gone.
Brooke offered to let Zoe stay with her for a while and maybe we could find another place together when I saved some money. And Donovan, Dad, and Eddie offered to take my stuff to a storage unit, load it in and everything, so I could spend the night at Autumn's house before she left. Very kind of them and I was thankful for the help.
"This was short-lived," Zoe said as she taped a box of kitchen supplies.
"Too short-lived." I looked around at the stacks of boxes all over the place. "I really liked this place, too."
"Will Donny be here soon?"
"Probably. We should put the small stuff in our cars. Save the big stuff for the moving truck."
I'm not sure what felt worse. The first day I moved out. Or moving back in to my parent's house within the same season. I loved them, but it wasn't appealing.
Zoe and I jogged in and out, filling our cars with boxes upon boxes. At some point some guy ran by and she jumped.
"Did you get a restraining order?" I said. "You really should."
"I'm afraid to."
"Why?"
"I don't know. I have no family on my side."
"You have me."
"I could never be related to you. No offense."
I shook my head. "Wrong thing to say, but that's okay. You do realize that you are actually related to an extremely abusive brother, right?"
"That's different. He's blood. I can't help it."
I almost said something, but what's the point?
"This must be them," I said as a moving truck pulled into the parking lot.
Dad parked and jumped out of the driver's seat, then Eddie and they walked over to me while staring at Zoe.
"Where's Donny?" Zoe whined.
"He is in love with Han, you know." I waved Dad and Ed over. "He's not interested in getting back with you."
"He will. When something is meant to be it finds a way."
"Zoe..." I stopped myself and started again, "He's taken. If you love him, you'll respect that."
"Your brother is hot. Wow."
I ignored that as Dad and Eddie approached. Did I really want to move in with her again?
"So." Dad squinted his eyes to avoid the sun. "Eddie and I will get the bigger stuff. Donovan and Mike should be here soon."
"His dad's coming too?"
"Yes, I think his girlfriend wanted to help out too." He searched my eyes for a response they wouldn't provide. "They should be here soon."
Dad and Eddie loaded a few pieces of furniture while Zoe and I packed our cars as much as they could handle. Donovan, his dad—who I also called Dad—and Han showed up and began to help.
Han cleaned the apartment with Zoe and me as the men emptied the apartment. Every time Donovan came in Han's face sparkled when his eyes met hers.
He came in again and made his way to her. Zoe watched in disgust as his hand gently touched her back, but then quickly smiled as Eddie walked by. I tried not to watch Donovan's hands on Han, but I couldn't help myself. The way she grinned when he touched her. And the way he liked it, his smile matching hers in shyness.
There's only one person I looked at like that. Only one who made me weak when his hand grazed my back.
And it wasn't Donovan.
Autumn picked me up from my parent's house. Which was now my house again. She had her car all ready for a new adventure, stuffed to the limit. My stuff was all in storage and Dad even said he'd take the rest out of my car tonight and put it in my room.
"Your parents are the nicest parents in the world," Autumn said as we entered her house. "Wish mine were like that."
"Your parents are nice." I followed her inside. "Just bizarre."
"You can say that again. Can't wait to have my own dorm room."
"Not sharing it with someone?"
"Well, yeah." She tapped the stuffed bird on the entryway table. "Just mean away from all the dead animals."
Her parents filled the house with stuffed animals. Everything from real, dead snakes to real, dead elephant heads. They spent tons of money on these weird "decorations" and even raised their own birds and ducks to later stuff them when they died. Don't ask.
"Why, hello, Jane," Mr. and Mrs. Beverly said in unison.
"Can I get you something to drink?" Mrs. Bev said.
"No, thanks. I'm good."
They bowed as we walked by them. Autumn shook her head. I laughed. They weren't totally creepy. More like Weird Al type of people. Intentionally strange. You could hear them cracking up laughing whenever you left the room. Like now.
"And they wonder why I've never brought a boy home," she said.
"Can I be here when that finally happens?" She shut her bedroom door and I flopped on to the bed. "Exhaustion strikes."
"Our last night together and we're probably gonna spend it sleeping," she said.
What she didn't know was that we had a surprise going away party planned for her tomorrow. Donovan and Han took care of the details for me, since I couldn't be there to get everything ready. They found a place in the city and I was supposed to walk by tomorrow and nonchalantly decide to go into the building. I hadn't quite figured out how to make it happen, but I would.
My phone beeped.
"Who's that?" Autumn looked at her own phone.
"Looks like Ella. This woman I met at Dee's tattoo place. She wants to know if I can teach her some sewing tips in exchange for violin lessons."
"How many things do you have on your bucket list now?"
"Forgot about it, honestly. Alistair and I were going to help each other check off the first five, then make five more."
"Have you tried to find him again?"
"I've looked." Looked, meaning I'd wake up in the middle of the night hearing his voice say my name. Only to realize it was a dream. Then I'd spend a half hour looking for a sign of him on the grand ole Internet. I just missed my friend, that's all.
"Have you said goodbye to your cheerleader buddies yet?" I said, knowing she'd see them tomorrow at the party.
"Yeah. I got all that out of the way so I could be with you this last night. Plus, I need a break from people before I go."
"Oh. Why?"
"Just too much."
She was in for a real surprise then. Hopefully it didn't ruin her plans too much.
"Sure you don't wanna come to school with me now that Donovan isn't going to be around as much?"
"Don't say that."
"Well, he's not."
"No. I mean the 'school' word."
She smiled. "Can't hurt to have a degree even for cool people like you. Maybe a business degree so you don't fail again."
I slapped her arm. "Funny thing is Zoe would say something like that and be totally serious."
"She's funny. I can't believe she doesn't realize how rude she is sometimes."
"She's oblivious. Reminds me of Eddie. I'm not sure if that makes it better or worse."
"So ... since I'm the one leaving, you need to
do what I want to do tonight."
"Please spare me the chick flick nonsense."
"I just want you to watch this one movie."
"You say that every time."
"I know, but it's different this time."
"How so?"
"Because you're different."
"Fine, fine," I said, and within thirty minutes she had nachos and cheese and root beer sitting in front of us. We propped ourselves up on our elbows as we lay next to each other, huddled under blankets with the iPad against the wall in front of us.
She made me watch a Korean film. Oddly enough. It was about a girl with a facial scar who locked herself in her room and created different online personas to vicariously live through. And a guy who lost everything and tried to kill himself, only to end up alive on a patch of land surrounded by water—with a fear of drowning. The two accept each other from a distance and eventually their love forces them to overcome their fears. Quirky, intriguing, and emotional.
Autumn wiped her eyes at the end. "I can't believe you didn't shed one tear."
"I don't cry at movies. Except Amistad. That one gets me going."
"Don't you want love like that?"
"Like Amistad?"
"Shut up." She laughed. "You know what I mean."
"All I kept thinking about was Donovan and Han."
"Oh! I'm so dumb. I forgot!"
"No." I ate another chip. "I'm happy for him. I really am. Just saying it's hard for me to put myself in those shoes, so I picture my friends instead."
"What would you do in that situation?"
"Huh?"
"If you thought you lost the love of your life, only to find him at the last minute?"
I thought for a few minutes.
"Would you cry?"
"Mmm ...I think I'd laugh."
"You'd laugh? Not even one tear would fall?"
"Maybe I'd laugh so hard I'd cry."
"Fair enough."
Chapter 36
That damn movie messed with me all night. I tried to sleep, but I kept getting sweaty and anxious as I pictured Autumn leaving and starting her life. And me. Sitting at home with my parents and Eddie while failing at my dreams. I didn't toss and turn all night. I stared at her ceiling. For hours. I processed everything from my birth to my recent mistakes. Every major life event and every minor one too. It's true, I overthink things.
