“I always thought I had a great childhood, you know? My parents and I lived in a nice house, I had lots of friends, we went on vacations, and it was generally pretty normal. I didn’t have a lot of extended family, so it was really just the three of us. When I was in elementary school and started making friends, I became old enough to realize my parents weren’t actually married. When I asked my dad why, he brushed it off and said it was only because he was waiting to throw my mom the biggest wedding she could ever dream of. Since they seemed happy enough, I didn’t think it was a big deal.”
“Then one day when I was in middle school I found a napkin with a phone number and a lipstick print in my dad’s coat pocket. He dismissed it and reassured me he loved me and my mom and it was nothing. There were other small things over the years—strange phone calls, extended business trips—but my dad continued to act like the perfect guy. When he was around, that is. My mom brushed off his long absences by telling me he had to work, but something felt off about it.”
I pause for a second to collect my thoughts, and Lucas rubs my arm in the sweetest, most encouraging way. I’ve never told this entire story with every single, painful detail to anyone before—not even Kelley. She just knows the general gist of what happened. But I know telling Lucas every last part will somehow free me from having to feel so alone.
“Then when I was seventeen I found a stash of letters and pictures hidden in the closet at our vacation home near the beach. We used to spend some summer weekends there, but otherwise it stayed empty most of the time. Or I thought it did . . . at this point I put it all together and knew that my dad had been seeing other women my entire life. When I confronted him he could barely look at me, but still tried making up weak excuses. My mom even defended him, but I could tell from the look in her eyes she was hurt. Whether she knew and chose to ignore it or she really had no idea, I’ll never know, but once I brought it all out in the open there was no going back. I kept thinking back to how great our life seemed, but then felt like it was all just a lie and I couldn’t trust either of them to commit to me or us as a real family and tell me the truth. He moved out a week later, and I barely spoke to him after that. I was almost eighteen, so as soon as I could I went out on my own and didn’t really keep in touch with either of them. I knew my mom still saw him occasionally, which I could never understand and we often fought about. She would just say it was complicated. About five years ago they were driving together, and a truck ran a light and hit them head on.”
I will the tears stinging the backs of my eyes to stay there, but one slips through and rolls slowly down my cheek. Lucas wipes the droplet from my face with his thumb. “It’s not your fault, Kins. You know that. It’s a fucked up situation, but to me it still sounds like they both just wanted you to be happy.”
Hearing his reassuring words is comforting, but I know I have to finish.
“At the time I was still dating this guy I met shortly after I moved out. Looking back he was kind of a jerk, but I was desperate for attention I guess. I wanted to feel connected. I really thought he could be the one to save me, and when he told me he would take care of me, I trusted him. He knew I didn’t have anyone else and made me believe we could have a life together. When my parents died, shortly after the funeral I found out he had been cheating on me pretty much the whole time we were together. It was as if the blows just kept on coming, and at this point I was numb to almost any emotion. I just remember this feeling of extreme emptiness. I wasn’t even upset when he finally broke up with me. I just didn’t understand why I never seemed to be enough for anyone. After that I made a decision to never get too close. A few times I tried being with other guys, thinking maybe I would feel something again, but I never fully trusted anyone enough to let go. I learned to be confident and detached, which is what I thought they wanted, but eventually they would leave and I would be left on my own again. It just became easier to accept that to be my life. I just felt so helpless and out of control, from that point on I knew it was easier to be closed off . . . to be in control and protect myself. I even tried to shut Kelley out for a while, but thankfully she didn’t give up and is the only one who kept me somewhat sane.”
I can feel Lucas tense up, from his jaw right down to his fist, so I gently squeeze his hand to let him know I’m OK—that it’s helping me to get it all out in the open.
“Despite how messed up everything got, I miss both my parents more than anything and wish it could have been different. I felt so betrayed and then they were gone and it’s just been easier to push people away. To be independent and rely only on myself. To never let anyone get too close. But you make me feel different. You really seem to see me and I’ve felt safe with you from the moment I met you. You changed me, Luc, and you make me want something I never thought I would again.”
He angles his head at me questioningly before whispering in a slightly gravelly, choked up voice, “What’s that?”
“A family.”
I can’t help but smile as I think about all the things Lucas makes me want and feel. I can see a future with him, and while it scares me, I find myself more excited than afraid.
Luc stares at me intently for a minute as if contemplating something before getting an all too serious look on his face. “You know what I think?”
I swallow nervously. This is it . . . he might change his mind now that he knows how messed up my life has been. I can only look at him with hopeful, expectant eyes.
He leans in close before whispering, “I think we would make some really cute babies together.” His playful smile is just what we need to break the emotional tension. The fact that he can always tell when my thoughts become too heavy, too much for me, makes my heart melt. I never thought I would find someone who could read me so completely, and I’m so relieved that we can go back to our playful nature I can’t help but laugh.
I tease him back, “Maybe someday we’ll find out, but for now we should probably just practice making them . . . practice makes perfect, right?”
I must catch him off guard again, because he lightly chuckles, “You’re crazy. In the best way, that is.”
“And you love it,’ I reply as an automatic reflex.
He stops laughing and looks at me with his soft, serious eyes again. “I love you.”
I didn’t think it was possible, but my smile and heart grow even bigger. Without hesitation, I easily reply, “I love you too, Lucas. More than you’ll ever know.”
Lucas
Finally admitting to Kinsley that I love her—and hearing her say it back—has got to be my new favorite thing. Followed closely by both making her laugh and watching her come, that is.
I kiss her greedily, although I try to be gentle as I realize the weight of everything she just admitted to me about her past. I know there was no way I could have possibly known just how fragile her trust issues are, but I still feel like an ass for giving her the slightest notion that I could ever be like her father or her asshat of an ex-boyfriend. I already abandoned her once, and that is one time too many. Time to step up and prove the way I feel about her.
The way she lets out a breathless, soft moan at the base of her throat and grinds closer to me in nothing but a towel has my dick already gearing up. I slowly slide the towel down her shoulders, taking a good look as she stands before me.
It’s the most beautiful I’ve ever seen her: no makeup, no fancy clothes, her hair tangled and damp.
Just her, natural and perfect, and she’s all mine. For good this time.
I remove my own soaked clothes, then I start to kiss across her neck. I know she likes that. She tangles her hands in my hair and holds me close to her chest. I help her remove the rest of what little clothing she has left on, and soon we are both naked and ready.
I grab her waist and help her down on the couch behind us. She lies back and I hoist myself up to position myself gently on top of her. I stroke her face, lost in the emotion showing in her eyes, yet neither of us say anything. We don’t have to
—we can both feel it.
I kiss her lips again before slowly pushing myself inside her, savoring the way we fit together like two interlocking puzzle pieces. Her eyes never stray from mine as we move together in a slow and passionate pace. If I thought sex with Kinsley was amazing, making love to her is beyond any sort of words or description.
But then again, I think we’ve always been this way together, even if we didn’t want to admit it.
She grabs onto my ass, pulling me closer and deeper and I can tell she’s getting close. I lean down, tucking my head close to her neck and whisper, “I love you,” just before she says the same and we both explode in unison.
I cup her face with both hands and kiss her forehead before looking deep into her blue eyes. “I promise I will always be there for you, Kins. You can trust me with your whole heart and I will do everything in my power not to break it. I am human, however, so please understand if I still act like a douchebag sometimes. But I promise it will never be to intentionally hurt you.”
I sit up and tuck her hair behind her ear. She grabs onto my arm before saying, “I know that, Luc. And I can’t be perfect, either, but know that I’m trying. Deep down I know I can trust you, but that doesn’t mean I’ll never have doubts. I just want to be enough for you.”
The fact that she could ever think she isn’t enough shatters me. Now I know it’s her past that made her feel this way, but if it takes the rest of my goddamn life I will make sure she feels loved and cherished.
I hug her close to me. “You are more than enough, babe. You’re everything.”
I give her a quick kiss on the cheek and push myself up from the couch. I wrap her back in the towel and pull on my own jeans. I give her another long, lingering kiss on her soft lips before adding, “And I plan to spend the rest of my life proving it to you.” Then I turn to leave while sporting a charming, mischievous grin.
I’ve got some planning to do.
Kinsley
The day after Lucas and I finally admitted all of our feelings, pasts, and fears, I woke up at the cottage to find dozens of ranunculuses scattered about the front lawn. From my loft window I could see they made out the shape of a heart with “L+K” spelled out in the center. Taped to the window was a note that read:
And for the next few weeks Lucas continued to shower me with surprises and remained extremely attentive and loyal. I tried telling him that it wasn’t necessary—that all I need is him—but, just like me, he can be pretty stubborn.
What warms my heart even more is the fact that he doesn’t even do anything particularly grand or extravagant. It’s not that he’s trying to buy my affection or trust, he’s genuinely showing how he feels.
Eli was released from the hospital with a clean bill of health, and the following Friday Lucas brought us both to Pedro’s. We shared a delicious meal while joking and telling stories. At the end of the night Eli hugged me goodbye and whispered that he was proud of me. Lucas didn’t have to say it, but I knew this was his way of showing me I was part of their tradition—and part of their family—now. The three of us continue to go there every single week, although we usually see each other more often than that.
A few days after that Lucas brought me to the cemetery to introduce me to his mom. He told her that she would have liked me and that I’m beautiful and smart. We left a special vase of flowers I arranged just for her.
A week later Lucas asked me to move in with him, telling me that he wanted us to have a home together . . . except the deal was he actually wanted to move into the cottage. I cried happy tears and we christened just about every surface in my—our—house that night in celebration.
The day after that he came home with another tattoo—a small, delicate heart on the inside of his left ring finger. He simply shrugged and told me it was so I would always know my heart was in his hands.
Like any strong couple we still have our arguments or disagreements, but we made a pact to never go to bed angry.
OK, and I’ll even admit that sometimes I maybe pick a fight just so we can make up.
What? Lucas is very . . . ahem . . . thorough . . . when it comes to being sure we’ve made up.
It’s been two months of us navigating our new life together, and while for the most part it’s been great, today has just been one of those craptastic days. A bride completely changed her color palette at the last minute, I accidentally broke three vases, and a shipment I was expecting came in all wrong.
By the time I drag myself out of the workroom, I’m less than pleasant, despite seeing that Lucas has made me a candlelit dinner. I barely give him a kiss on the cheek or acknowledge the meal before gluing myself to my phone to sort out the messed up order.
“Hey babe, you care to join me for this lovely meal?” Lucas gestures to the spread before him on the table.
“Maybe later. I’ve got to get this order straightened out.”
Lucas gets up from the table to stand in front of me, sliding my phone from my hand. “How about we eat first, and then you can get back to being a workaholic.”
Well that was the wrong thing to say given the current mood I’m in. “Workaholic? Well excuse me for taking my job so seriously. It’s only how I make my living, no big deal or anything.”
I snatch my phone back from his hand and go to storm to the bedroom. Lucas grabs my arm and pulls me back to him before I get very far. “You know I didn’t mean it like that, Kins. I just thought tonight could be special.”
Tired and frustrated, the words are out of my mouth before I can stop them. “And what’s so special about tonight that it can’t wait?”
Lucas lets go of my arm and reaches into his pocket. He pulls out a small, black box before opening it to reveal a beautiful, simple diamond ring. I am rendered shocked and speechless as a playful smile lights up his face and he places it on the counter.
He puts one hand on either side of my face, making sure I have his full attention before politely asking, “Will you fucking marry me?”
And just like that everything else melts away as my own smile breaks free. I leap into Lucas’s arms, causing us both to tumble back as I attack him with kisses and mumble a “Hell yes” against his perfect lips.
The End.
To the bestest husband a girl can ask for—Clifford, thank you for being the one person I can count on for anything and everything. I love you af&1d. And then some.
To my mom, brother, and the rest of my family—Hopefully you can look past some of the dirty words here and be proud I took a chance writing something fun. I know you support me in everything I do, and that means the world to me. (And at least I’m putting my English degree to use!)
To Ashley W., Jennifer C., Hazel R., and Ellie—Thank you for being such sweet beta readers! It was scary letting complete strangers read my first drafts, but your thoughts, comments, and ideas were invaluable.
To Kari March—Thanks for the beautiful cover design!
To Danielle and Shannon at DVE—I seriously can’t express how much all of your editorial insight was a help to me, both for the development of this book and as a growing author in general. You made my leap into publishing a little less scary, and for that I will forever be grateful.
To Christine and Nichole at Perfectly Publishable—Thank you for polishing this baby up and getting it ready for the world!
And finally, to anybody who reads this—The fact you did makes my heart do a little happy dance.
When she’s not making confetti as head honcho over at The Confetti Bar (theconfettibar.com), co-dreaming with creative women through Monarch Workshop (monarchworkshop.com), and blogging about her health & wellness journey going sugar-free at Simple Unsweet (simpleunsweet.com), Jessica loves to spend her nights getting caught up in imaginary worlds.
She lives in central CT with her husband, Clifford, and the cutest cat EVER, named Curious.
She loves colorful things, making people smile, things that smell good, and is obsessed with lemon water. And glitter. Lots of glitter
.
She also loves, well . . . love. (She’s a sucker for a sweet story.)
You can check out what she’s up to at jshbooks.com and on Instagram (@jshbooks)
Want to know anything else? Feel free to say hi at [email protected]
Crazy Beautiful (Crazy Beautiful #1) Page 15
