such an odd and naïve creature. So affectionate and trusting, just ripe for betrayal and heartache.
“You’re the only thing good about my life these days…” He cried. “So selfless. But you won’t love us anymore once you find out what we’re like. I don’t want to see you destroyed.”
“I will always love mortals. It’s a requirement of being a God.” Or so I thought at the time. After sitting with the lonely old man for a while, I got to my feet and decided to see what the other mortals were up to.
They were as loving as ever. They showered me with compliments and gifts, and I gave them all I could in return. But my headache got worse as the day went on, and I had to go home earlier than I expected.
My headache got worse and worse as the months went on, and I found myself feeling loose on all my faculties. The love of the mortals helped, but I found out something devastating one day when I went to The Below, and things started to change.
Rosch was heartbroken in particular. “Destruction wiped out a whole village!”
I put a hand on his back, and comforted him with soft cooing noises. “Why?”
“Because he felt like it! Gods have no reason for what they do! They are ideals, and they abide by their mechanic mindsets! My son was in that village.”
I clapped a hand to my mouth and shook my head. How could he be so cruel?
“That’s awful…”
The old man said nothing. He was wracked with grief and utter suffering. He couldn’t muster enough strength even to cry, but his eyes were already red. He must have been crying all day. I couldn’t stand to see him like that. I had no idea what it might be like to lose a child, but I knew it must hurt badly to lose something that you brought into the world.
The throbbing in my head got very loud then, and I fell to my knees, clutching my head. I breathed harshly.
Rosch knelt next to me. “Are you okay? Joshua?”
I said nothing for a moment, just breathing harshly, but then I said, “yes, I am okay. I… I’m sorry.”
He shook his head. “You have done nothing wrong. Don’t blame yourself for your father’s deeds…”
I got to my feet and started walking towards the mountain. Rosch followed me for a bit. “Where are you going?”
“I wish to know his intent.” I stated.
He grabbed my arm. “I don’t care if you are his son! He will kill you!”
“I am not afraid of him anymore.” I yanked my arm back and marched to the foot of the mountain. I left Rosch behind, now weeping tears for me also.
At the foot of the mountain, I looked up determinedly. “Why?” Was all I asked.
He didn’t bother morphing, but I heard his booming voice in my head, you are not doing your job, and you shall suffer for it. You will not even suffer by my hand. You have dug your own grave, and you will see your errors. My pleasure will be to watch,
“Don’t ever touch these people again.” I told him sharply. “I swear I will kill you or die trying.”
I helped the mortals get over their initial grief of the neighboring village. They were grateful as always. But as time went on, and I became a full-fledged adult and they became a more advanced culture, we became more and more distant, and they became more and more selfish. Rosch had died, and now Calys was the only one left who I knew well, but she was an old woman now. When she died… I would be entirely alone.
Empires were built, kings elected, and they began attempting to draw me in on terrible requests.
“Please Prosperity!” The king and even all his people implored as they formed a crowd around me, pleadin and yelling. “Please destroy the neighboring kingdom! They worship the evil God Destruction! They are of evil minds, and they attack us by the day,”
My mind, still hurting from all those years ago, was giving me a headache which was not helping my attitude. “Wretched!” I accidentally said out loud, “what makes you think I will use my powers just to get you ahead? Just to hurt others? We grace you with happiness, gifts, and health and you repay us by attempting to use our names to kill one another! If you ask me for this request again I--” I clenched my head again and breathed in, gritting my teeth. I couldn’t stand them at that moment!
Calys emerged from the crowd and grabbed my arm, pulling me away. “Prosperity, you seem particularly out of sorts recently. I think, perhaps, you should take a long break from us?”
I looked at her sincerely. She was kind, caring, responsible, and attentive. I had my favorite mortals, and she was always one of them. Maybe this was what it was like to have a mother.
I sighed. “Yes. Maybe you are right… thank you, Calys.” I left, and I appeared back in The Above.
My brother, who I had not spoken to in years, sat down next to me. We said nothing. Words were too hard between us now. But, for the first time in a long time, he threw an arm about me and I did not turn away.
The truth was I felt lost and alone. The mortals were selfish, and I didn’t know what to do with them. Had I failed them? Being too involved in their lives? Or were they simply bitter and no good to begin with?
This time, it was bad dreams that kept me from sleeping. For years now at this point, the mortals were not grateful for the help I gave them; had even grown distant and uncaring of one another, and more and more, if I didn’t fulfill their every wish, they screamed at me like hysterical children. I felt like I didn’t know them anymore… I felt like giving up on them, before they gave up on me. I missed their innocent, and their blind admiration. I could not look past their developing bad traits to see their good points. They were monsters.
I went down to The Below a week later, and I met up with Calys. The city seemed to be mostly vacant, and I wondered where everyone was. Calys was weeping alone in front of her house, on her knees in the yellow morning light. “Calys, what is wrong?” I asked worriedly.
“It’s my sons… they went to war!” She cried.
“War? What is war?” I shook my head, confused.
“I don’t know! I only know it as something the kind made up to kill!” She threw her arms about me and wept bitterly.
But I was angry. I pulled away from her and felt a rage deep in my bones. After all these years of teaching them the difference between right and wrong, of pouring all my love and effort into making them thoughtful, considerate creatures—it was as if they had learned nothing—as if having everything was not enough, as if greed was the only thing worth having in the world, and the thing that made up all mortals in the pits of their souls.
“After all the love I’ve given you… you are no better than the day I revealed myself to you…”
Calys reached out to touch me, but without moving, I disappeared and left a shockwave after me. I warped to the war zone. Spears were flying, swords were clanging, horses were neighing, and blood poured all over the grass. I couldn’t walk a single step without throwing up a shield about myself.
I could hardly believe what I saw. It was horrifying. All I could do was stare for a moment and recede within myself completely afraid.
After a moment, fear was replaced with rage. I stood in the middle of the war zone, lifted my arms, and then slammed them towards the ground. All the soldiers flew back from the shockwave. There was a horrendous loud consecutive clinking sound of armor clashing on armor as everyone rolled backwards, and the thudding of the ground in general.
My mind was misty, and words spilled from my mouth that I was not even aware of. “You have rejected a chance of being happy in exchange for being greedy. You have ignored my wise teachings when I have given you everything. I should let you kill one another!” My voice boomed, and my one eye seemed to be flitting all around the crowd. “Tell me one reason… why I shouldn’t obliterate you all right this moment.”
“You wouldn’t give us what we wanted!” Said the King who had beseeched me before to destroy and entire other kingdom “You claim to care about us, but when we only wish to destroy these wretched heathens
for worshipping a cruel God, you refused to lend a hand!”
“You really think I wish you to kill in my name? I told you that was not what I wished!” Thing were worse than I thought. I shook my head and covered my mouth with my hand miserably, so angry that tears came unbidden to my eyes. “Have you heard nothing I’ve said? You wish to use me--to further your own selfish dreams of power--if you wish to kill one another; you may do it without me.” I went back up to The Above then, and I felt a collapsing in power. Everyone was losing faith in me because I would not support their war, or their selfish desires.
As the power began to leave my body, I fell to my knees. I felt as weak as I did when I was a child and had no power from prayers. Chandra, who happened to be in my spot, looking down, rushed to my side. Yeshua! Are you okay?
I looked up at my brother. I grabbed at his robes and tried to lift myself to my feet, but failed. “I loved them Chandra, I loved them… but I was as wrong about them as I have been about anything good in this world! I tried to help them… but they are monsters… what’s the point of loving anything in this wretched world? I never thought I could ever feel as terrible as I did—that day—but now I see that whatever I try, I shall fail. I shall always sow chaos even when I wish to bring peace.”
Chandra, like he did when I was a child, lifted me up and got me to stand on my feet. He embraced me as I cried hysterically.
“Can you help me Chandra, please? Can you help them?”
Yeshua… I told you not to interfere. Mortals are like children. You can guide them while they’re young, but now that you’ve guided them this far, you must step back, before you are both destroyed.
“It’s not that easy! I cannot turn my back on them when they are killing themselves! When they are begging for my interference!” I protested.
They are not worth your time; leave them behind before they destroy you… humans come and go, but you are a God, and you are my brother. You will never forget what happened here. I do not wish to live a lifetime of forever when you are not yourself. When you have been made into something not of your choosing.
I was still crying. Chandra, when I was made into Decay, I changed completely. I feel like I’m going down a path that I cannot change… like there is no way to change who I am. All I can hear is the mind scream in my mind. It has seeped into my spirit and defined my soul now. But that’s not all. It’s as if this is what I was meant to be, it has nothing to do with Father at all… I spoke to him in his mind. It was a more intimate way of speaking to someone when you were a God, and you never did it unless you were close or willing to cross boundaries like my Father was.
Decay is necessary, Yeshua. It may not be a pleasant job, but you should not hate yourself for it. You have a volatile personality, do not entice yourself. Keep your distance.
You do not understand! I love them… you know how hard it is to abandon someone you love…
When I and my brother first sprung from the mountain, our father asked Chandra to kill me early on, but my brother refused. He took whatever punishment our father had in store, but he would not kill me.
I had a malicious personality when I was first born—and our Father knew it, which was why he wanted me gone--I screamed and yelled and kicked and bit. Particularly at my brother. But even worse was I kicked animals and tortured bugs. When I grew, I came into a more peaceful personality, but I always had those thoughts and urges. It was all thanks to Chandra. The changing moment was when I was having a particularly bad episode of screaming and yelling that I attempted to end my life for good by stabbing my head. Chandra had grabbed at the knife but I swung it away from him and then stabbed it into his arm. I then pointed it back at my head, but then my brother grabbed it away from me and stared at me furiously—like he was going to stab me with it—but then his expression softened and he tossed it off into The Below. I was panting from the screaming, and tears were rolling down my cheeks. He never once hit me. He embraced me that moment instead. And after panting tiredly for a moment, my breathing became easier, and it was as if whatever demon lay inside me was thrown off with that knife. For the first time ever, I hugged my brother back.
Some things were as much apart of you as you nose and eyes were, however, and you could not change them. That demon perhaps had never left, and instead was still nestled deep down within and made up who I was.
Presently I said, I am sorry Chandra… you’ve done so much for me. I should not have been so angry at you. For what you did for me… I should be grateful many lifetimes over.
You were right to be angry… what I did was unforgivable. I would not have blamed you if you never spoke to me again… you never need to apologize to me. To love and take care of you is my job. Your job is to live and be happy enough for the both of us.
Similar to my malicious personality, Chandra had a depressive personality. He never looked happy, he always looked tired, and he only persevered and smiled for me. But sometimes I would catch him when he thought he was alone, just looking so lost and alone, the world on his shoulders. I’d never been a good shoulder to cry on—except concerning mortals--so I let him be whenever I saw him like that.
I wiped my eyes. I must go back… I turned my back to Chandra and got ready to go back down. He grabbed my shoulders and made me face him before I could, however.
Yeshua, do not go back down there. Listen to reason.
I will… take a break. I gave in.
He grinned, overjoyed that he seemingly had saved me once again, and even more overjoyed that I was speaking to him at all. Do you… wish to play?
I looked at him confusedly for a moment, and then a slow smile spread across my face. I looked down at my feet in fond memory. I wished to be young again. But perhaps… this would be enough. What do you wish to play?
How about a snow fight? It’s snowing on the north side of The Under.
For a while, I made good on my promise. I stayed away from mortals, and did my job instead. I made nature decay when it was time; I decayed mortals’ health when it was time, and I even decayed the health of animals if it was their time. For the most part, Weather told me that in the winter I should make things decay. So that’s what I did.
There was something surprisingly peaceful about it, and it didn’t make my mind go nuts like I thought it would. It was nice to be away from those selfish mortals. It was also nice to realize that this job was valuable. If mortals did not decay, they would become overpopulated. But I also felt, day after day, year after year, the power from their prayers leaving me. And I missed their company, their old innocence, and how I felt proud of myself when I improved their lives. And I worried about them constantly. How were they, without my assistance? Were they still killing one another? Were they discovering how to stand on their feet? I hadn’t a friend in the world without them, aside from Chandra.
And I couldn’t help it.
I went back down to check on them.
It was a disaster. Houses were burnt down, bodies were everywhere, and the people who were left were the ones who I did not love. The kings who sent their own people to die in a war based on lies. Worshipping my Father did not necessarily make these other groups evil. Why, at least, could they not tell them what they were really dying for? The greed of a single man…
In the middle of the wreckage, with the smell of burnt flesh and with fire turning the lighting red; with cold wind whistling through the air and not a human sound about, I stood alone. Isolated and sick and tired to the bone. I looked up at the red sky expressionlessly. I could hardly believe this had happened.
After a moment, I decided I had to find that wretched king.
The king was having a rally when I landed on where he was such a thud that the ground shook around me. The king pointed a finger at me. “There is he! He came to us as an angel, pretending to help us and fix our problems, but he is little more than a devil. Instead, he is the God of suffering!”
I approached him slowly, my rage risin
g slowly.
A woman stood up in the crowd. “How long do you wish to be deceived by the king? He is using the Gods to wage a war they wish to have no part in!
The woman was none other than Calys. She always did the right thing, and it had nothing to do with what I had been teaching her since we first met. She had an inborn goodness-of-spirit, and somehow I knew it would get her into trouble.
The crowd was already rallied to the king’s side, and they got angry at Calys. They may have known the truth, and maybe they didn’t However, they were looking for someone to blame, and they were not smart enough to recognize the king as the real culprit of any imagined danger.
And no one complained when the king said, “one of the God’s heathen followers! But we can use her!”
The soldiers seized Calys and put a knife to her throat.
I stopped in my tracks. “What do you plan on doing? Killing an innocent just to taunt me?”
The king gave me a confident smirk. “Help us win this war, or I will slit your follower’s throat,”
I shook my head. “Gods do not take sides. And until filth like you came along, they had no reason to!”
The king motioned to his soldiers and the knife kept getting closer and closer to her throat. She was crying hysterically. I wished I could teleport her to my side, but I would have to take the soldier with her even if I did so because he was touching her. There was nothing I could do.
I held up a hand. “Stop! Please… I’ll help.”
“Don’t. Decay, you cannot take sides, the death toll will be too grand,” she said sharply.
I didn’t know what to do. “But, I must…”
She shook her head. “Be strong,”
Somehow, I thought they would never actually kill her. I could not conceive such an evil from the people I used to love in my very soul. From the people I had spent sunny afternoons with and played with. There was no way…
I could never imagine how wrong I was.
I covered my eyes when I saw they actually had the darkness in their hearts to kill and innocent woman. The crowd cheered, and I felt sick to my stomach. The pounding and screeching in my head became louder and louder.
That was the beginning of my madness. As the years went on, I isolated myself from mortals, and even my brother. It was at this time, also, that when I thought back on it, it felt like watching my own life through someone else’s eyes. I could not believe what I had become.
The mind scream echoed in my mind uncontrollably, and I would rather listen to that mind scream than I would think about what I had seen. I felt my mind being warped, and eventually, after a long break, I looked down upon the mortals and with a smirk, I decayed the king’s health. I made him suffer with the worst disease I could think of, and he died
A Wayward God Page 19
