purple in color; with blue hair. I could see the same insanity in her eyes that plagued my brother. The difference was; my brother was vacant, no more emotions, just a cruel kind of insanity. Hephzibah, however, was unstable and all over the place with her feelings and expressions.
“Oh yes. Mr. Smalls wishes to speak with that one,” she said, pointing to me. “I don’t know why. He’s hideous. Mr. Smalls has been busy as of late, however. So he may or may not show up anytime soon. In the meantime dearest, you can set up some quarters for him. As for the bird, Katharos, I wish to speak with him. But not now. Make them go away. Mommy has a headache,” she put a slender, graceful hand to her forehead, and looked like she was in intense pain.
Nikolai put a hand to his mother’s forehead. “Mom, maybe you ought to go to sleep, or call in a healer….”
“Get out!” She snapped.
He looked like she’d struck him, and then he breathed in deeply closing his eyes. “This way,” he said to us.
I wasn’t one for details, and as Nikolai led us through the seemingly endless castle—up flights of stairs, through corridors, kitchens, and through large banquet halls—I zoned out and started thinking of other things. I let my mind rest in what few happy memories I had. Most of them involved Heidi, who had no great beauty in comparison to Hephzibah, but who I somehow found to be so captivating. It was as if she had grown to be something beautiful right before my eyes when nothing about her had changed. It was I who had changed.
Nikolai eventually got me to my quarters, and I went inside and, after saying goodbye to Katharos and telling him to be careful, I threw myself upon my bed. I felt impossibly exhausted. The bed was too small, and it was nothing compared to sleeping on a cloud, but I was too tired to care.
I was alone. Alone on a plain, shining green field under the stars. The butterfly floated around me, and landed on a figure that came into existence next to me. It was Heidi.
I looked at her lovingly. She was the only mortal whose hair I wished to touch, who I would die for… who I wanted to be with. But, when I finally got over my fear and touched her hair, I turned into Vengeance, and he started pulling her hair so hard I thought her head might come off.
I awoke, not getting enough sleep. With my powers waning, my life was getting more and more tiring. I felt dirty and greasy which was another alien feeling to me. There was a hot bath prepared for me when I awoke, however, and I gladly washed the filth off of myself. Although I hardly fit in the tub.
Afterwards, I lifted myself out of the tub, my muscles sore and my eyes ever heavy. The sinking feeling in my stomach was not helping, either. The pervading feeling of gloom and depression seemed to be stuck in my veins. I never knew how much I wished to be happy, until I felt so depressed. It made me miss the feeling of always feeling thing in a muted fashion, neither too happy, or too sad. It was a half-feeling, almost like being half-alive, but it was also safer…
I heard a knock on the door. I opened the door. It was Nikolai. “Mom wishes to have a word with you,”
I looked at him distastefully without even realizing it, at which he looked somewhat embarrassed. I nodded quietly.
As he led me through the castle once again, he said to me, “I know you’re still thinking the same thing. I don’t need your approval just to exist and I think you should be ashamed for thinking it my fault that your brother is a monster. He made his own decisions.”
“It is not his fault! It’s that witch of a mother of yours!” I snapped. I would let no one; no one in the entire world, bad mouth my brother.
Nikolai didn’t care though, and had too many bad memories of Chandra to keep to himself, it seemed. “I know I didn’t know my Father before he was gripped by the insanity, but all I know is I hate him now! At least Mom loves me—at least she feels things—but my Father is a monster. I’ve seen him torture people to death without changing expressions. If I don’t do what he wishes he torments my mind! I can’t even make eye contact with him because he tells me not to! He is as ashamed of me as you are! But I didn’t… it’s not my fault…” He trailed off sadly.
I looked at him, faintly bemused. I couldn’t understand his line of thinking. I could not see things unbiased, because I was blinded by a love and loyalty that would ever linger because of a boy named Yeshua. Hephzibah, on the other hand, I was unbiased against. I could not see her as anything less than a monster. The way she treated her subjects; what she did to my brother.
“I can’t see her through your eyes,” I said simply.
“Then don’t say a word against her,” he said sharply.
He finished taking me to the throne room in silence, and Nikolai opened the doors for me. There was a large table set up in the middle of the large room. Hephzibah was seated there.
“Sit at the other end,” she said. “Sweetheart, you come sit by me,” she said to Nikolai.
I sat at the other end, the chair was very small, and I had to sit down carefully. “What is it you wish of me? Is my brother here?”
“No. I just wish to know… why does Mr. Smalls wish to speak to you?” She said with a bitter look on her face.
“He wants the fear from mortals to bolster his powers. Did Nikolai not tell you?”
She looked upset—on the verge of tears—I looked upon her with something akin to pity.
“I—I haven’t spoken to him in three years… he only speaks to Nikolai now and Nikolai promised to Mr. Smalls to keep most of what he tells him secret.. I… all I can see are his eyes in my mind. I love them.” she said quietly, putting a weary hand to her forehead.
Nikolai put a hand on her shoulder. “Mom, are you okay?”
“Do I look okay?” She raised her voice. To me she said, “If you know why, please tell me. Does he not love me anymore? I can’t have anyone else…”
“My brother is a God. Gods do not like prolonged contact with mortals. They generally don’t fall in love with them. It is best for both parties.”
She threw her plate in frustration and it shattered against the wall. She placed a palm against her head and closed her eyes in a kind of tired depression. “It’s not fair for him to come and dement us both and leave again! He has forgotten me entirely, hasn’t he?”
I nearly jumped out of my skin when she threw that plate. I breathed in and cleared my throat. “May I go now?”
She opened her eyes. “He used to talk about you so often. He said you were not the same. He said he was alone and depressed and disgusted by mortals. It is your fault he came into my life.”
“If it’s any consolation, he is as mad as you are,” I offered. “And… he might miss you. But the other Gods caught what he was doing and stopped him.”
Nikolai gave me a look. “Don’t listen to him give you false hope, Mom. If he cared anything for you he would have stopped at nothing to be with you…”
“But he speaks to you sometimes, yes? Why not me?” Hephzibah cried to her son.
“He has no kind words for me, Mom. He is a monster.”
“And I am a monster too! Why can’t he see we belong together?”
I was uncomfortable and wanted to bolt from the room. “Please… can I go?”
“Both of you shut up! I can’t think with this noise. Get that hideous thing out of here,” Hephzibah said, looking at me cruelly.
Nikolai led me out of the room, and I bumped into Katharos outside the door, always followed by Asher. “I was just doing some exploring, Joshua. Do you wish to come with me?”
I was still disgruntled from the conversation I just had. I felt like I was slowly melting back into Decay, and Decay still had the mind of a foolish child. He did not know how to handle insanity. I nodded and followed Katharos. “I thought you had plans to talk peace with her.”
“I already started this morning. She seems—cooperative—I hope she continues to be. I think she must be being honest in her efforts if she allowed me to bring so many soldiers with me.”
Nikolai stayed behind and longingly looked at the large double-doors we just came through. He wished to see his Mother, to make sure she was okay. But he knew he might make things worse. He simply wanted to find someone, anyone at all, who had love for him in their heart. And the closest thing to that was his Mother.
And just then, I realized that Nikolai deserved far better than what he got in life. It was a miracle he was as well-adjusted as he was. He did not choose his parents, but he had to live through whatever mistakes they made. I was wrong about him.
Katharos and I ended up in a garden. He sat down on a stone bench. “Hephzibah wishes to continue negotiations tonight, do you wish to come?”
I couldn’t believe he was actually going through with negotiations with that sad creature. “You are going to die. I will come, yes.”
He smiled. “Thanks for the moral support.”
I smiled a little at that, and then we were both silent.I looked at him intently. “Have you ever been a child, Katharos?”
He looked at me distantly. “No,”
“Do you care?”
“I resent it—but I’d feel guilty if I ran away--I just want my people to live well. The land where I am from is dead. No food, no money, no happiness. It’s enough to make my heart ache. I’d die for them to get the happiness I just can’t seem to find… I’d like someone to be happy, you know…” He looked so very exhausted. Like he was ready to be done, but knew he couldn’t
A Wayward God Page 24
