He remained silent, knowing she didn’t need to hear that he was sorry.
“Two of my men died that day. Because of me.”
“Not because of you. Because an unseen enemy changed your coordinates.”
She closed her eyes. “I tell myself that. Every day I wake up telling myself it’s okay to be alive. That God is in control. But it doesn’t change the fact that they died and I’m still alive.”
He ran a hand through his hair, unsure of his next move. “Can we sit together? On the sofa?”
A hint of a smile tugged at her lips. “Yes, we can sit together. And no, I don’t need your help.”
“That’s too bad, because I like helping. Actually, I felt strong and heroic when I picked you up the other day.”
“Don’t make me feel like an invalid.”
“If I ever do anything to make you feel that way, tell me?”
She held out a hand. “Deal.”
He took her hand in his, then couldn’t let go. He lifted her hand to his lips. “Deal.”
“Oh, no you don’t.” She pulled her hand from his. “Please don’t.”
She moved her chair parallel to the sofa and shifted, moving her feet to the floor and then bracing her hand on the sofa to transfer herself. Once she was seated, she patted the sofa next to her and Ethan sat down. The two feet of space between them seemed necessary. For her peace of mind. For his sanity.
“And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God.” She spoke the words of the verse, then sighed. “That’s the verse I try to remember. God didn’t create sin and suffering. All things mean good things and bad things work together for good. Right?”
“Right. I wish it was as easy as reminding myself of that verse. It isn’t. When I think about Hanna and James being gone, and raising their daughter... I don’t want to raise her alone, Eve.”
“I know.” Her attention focused on the sleeping child in the playpen. Briefly she closed her eyes. “I know. And I say the verse because Kylie told me to, but that doesn’t mean I’m not angry or that I’ve figured out how to connect my faith with the tragedies that happen all around me.”
“Tori isn’t a tragedy, she’s a tiny person depending on us.”
“I don’t mean that she’s the tragedy. She is perfect and sweet and deserves every good thing. I just don’t know if I can be her mother. Oh, wow, that word.” She gasped. “Father. Mother. We have to step up, be her parents. But the two of us, we’re not married. We can’t give her a whole family, can we?”
“We can figure it out together,” he offered. But he knew that his heart was on the line and maybe hers was off-limits.
The person sitting next to him was not the girl he’d grown up with, the woman he’d planned to marry. Life and circumstances had changed her, had changed them both. Whatever he’d thought before, he now knew there was no going back.
They had to discover each other as if they were strangers. Only then could they truly move forward.
Chapter Nine
Eve realized she’d been so busy fighting this guardianship, she hadn’t thought about Tori as a little toddler calling for her mommy. Who would that mommy be? The ramifications of that reality were stunning. As she sat there watching the little girl sleep, she thought about a future with Tori in her life, needing hugs, needing attention. Needing parents.
The past four years had taught Eve a lot about her strengths and weaknesses. In one day that went horribly wrong, everything had changed. But wasn’t that how tragedy happened? A person was never expecting it. There was nothing safe or certain in life. Trust was the safety net. Faith that all things, even the bad, could work together for good was the belief that held it all together. Even when Eve doubted. Even when she was angry.
Her circumstances no longer made her angry. She’d made peace with her paralysis. She knew her abilities and focused on those rather than on her disabilities. She found that other people had to be taught to do the same, to focus on what she could do rather than what she couldn’t.
But in the beginning she’d been filled with so many doubts, so many fears. And the biggest fear had been not really what she couldn’t do, but losing herself. Losing herself to the well-meaning people in her life, the ones who wanted to take care of her, fix things for her, make sure she was safe.
She’d needed independence. And so she’d pushed away the people who loved her. Including the man sitting next to her. She regretted so many things but she knew she couldn’t go back. She knew it because when Tori was sick, he hadn’t called her. He’d confirmed what she feared, that he thought of her as a disabled person, not a person with abilities.
“You okay?” he asked.
She drew in a deep breath and smiled. Because telling him how she felt was pointless. He’d argue, and she’d still feel the same way.
“I’m good. I’m worried about her. She’s so still.”
“She had a long night.”
“I know. Do you think she’s over the worst of it?”
“Time will tell.”
“Have you eaten?” she asked.
“Breakfast.” He leaned back on the couch and stretched his legs out. “I’m trying to avoid the main part of the house. I don’t want this to spread even more than it already has.”
“I think it’s inevitable,” she told him. “It’s a stomach virus. They don’t seem to like to stay contained.”
“No, they don’t. I’m just sorry I brought it with me.”
“It’s a virus, not the plague.”
He laughed, and she thought about how that laugh always made her feel better. It still did.
They had so many shared memories. She’d forced herself to let go of those memories, since it had made things easier for her. But she realized that she’d missed him. Ethan and his family had been the most normal part of her childhood. Not that she’d had a horrible childhood, or that her parents hadn’t loved her. They did love her.
The door opened slightly and Maria quietly said, “Hola.”
“Come in.” Ethan got up to greet her. “You must be feeling better.”
“Much better!” Maria’s eyes widened when she saw Eve. “Oh, Evie, we don’t want you to get this virus.”
Eve brushed off the concern. “I’ll be fine.”
“I hope so. This isn’t a fun virus. I can tell you from personal experience, unfortunately.” Maria pushed a cart of food into the room. “I have sandwiches, salad, fruit and cookies. Eve, I’ll go back and get more. You need to eat.”
“I’m fine, Maria. You don’t have to do that.”
“I want to. You’re too skinny.”
Eve shook her head at that. “I’m healthy.”
“Yes, you’re healthy. But too skinny. You take it from me, you need to eat. I’ll bring more food.”
“I love you, Maria.”
“I love you, too, Evie. How’s that baby girl doing? Did you give her that ginger tea in her bottle?”
Ethan held up a bottle with amber-colored liquid inside. “She drank a little before she fell asleep.”
“The ginger will settle her tummy,” Maria said. “Okay, you two eat. I’ll be back with more food.”
Eve didn’t bother to argue. She knew Maria loved to feed people more than she loved almost anything else. Except maybe Jack West, whom she doted on with unabashed affection.
The door closed and, almost as if on cue, Tori began to cry. Ethan leaned over the playpen and picked her up, and as he did she lost the contents of her stomach all over his shirt. Then she started to wail.
“Give her to me,” Eve said. “You’re going to have to change.”
“I don’t know, Eve.”
“I know. You didn’t call me when she was sick, you don’t think you can leave her with me, but you want me to take my place as guardian?” She reached for the baby. “Give her to m
e. Now.”
He still hesitated so she gave him a warning look. He handed over the baby.
“I’ll go change. There are diapers and wipes in the bag next to the playpen.” He reached into the bag for the container of wipes and pulled one out to dab at his hands and shirt. “I’ll only be gone a few minutes.”
“And I’m sure Tori and I will be just fine while you’re gone.”
“Eve,” he started. She raised a hand to stop the apology that was sure to follow. “I’ll be back.”
He left the room, and she looked at the miserable little girl in her arms.
“Someday you’ll be a teenager and he’s going to worry about you. He’ll pack your first car in Bubble Wrap, try to make you run barrels on a stick horse, because he won’t want you to get thrown. You’ll have to stand your ground and let him know that you can have a real horse. I might not be living with you, but I’ll always be here to help you. I’ll teach you to stand your ground.” She paused at that. “But he has the best intentions for you. He’s going to be a good dad.”
For some silly reason, her vision suddenly got cloudy and a tear trickled down her cheek. She hadn’t cried this much since the days right after the accident.
“Let’s get you changed.” She then realized her poor planning. Still on the couch, the diaper bag a good ten feet away, a crying baby in her arms. “Okay, we need a plan, little miss.”
She pulled the blanket off the back of the sofa and placed Tori on it, then she used throw pillows to cocoon the baby and keep her from rolling too close to the edge. Eve brushed a hand over the tiny head and Tori smiled.
“Okay, stay put.”
Eve transferred herself to her chair. She hooked the diaper bag over the handles, grabbed the bottle of ginger tea and, on her way past the cart, took one of the sandwiches meant for Ethan. On second thought, she also grabbed a cookie.
Tori started to fuss. Eve reached to pick her up and the baby vomited again. Eve cringed as she held the child away from her. The wood floors could be cleaned. The idea of cleaning her chair was not so pleasant.
After a full minute, Eve cradled the now exhausted Tori against her chest. They both smelled. They were both messy. And the sandwich had fallen on the floor. It didn’t matter. She leaned back, cradling the sick little girl.
“We have to get you changed,” she whispered. “I have a feeling you won’t be happy about this. But it’s gotta be done.”
She moved to the sofa, where she placed Tori on the seat. She decided it would be easier to do this if she was next to her, so she transferred herself to the sofa. Once situated, she grabbed the bag and she was able to get Tori cleaned up with wipes and changed.
“You need a bath,” she informed the little girl.
Tori didn’t seem to care. She nestled in close and fell asleep. Eve eyed the sandwich on the floor. Her stomach rumbled and she acknowledged that the sandwich would have been good.
Just then the door opened. Ethan entered, his hair damp, his shirt clean.
“You took a shower,” she accused.
“I didn’t mean to be gone so long but it required more than just a change of clothes.” He glanced around the room. “Something happen while I was gone?”
“I decided to change her clothes, which required the bag, and that required I go right past that tray of food. Unfortunately she started to get sick again.” She pointed to the floor. “You’ll have to clean that up.”
He grimaced. “That isn’t pleasant.”
“I’ve been told that being a parent is a blessing.” She smirked.
“Yeah, I’ve been told the same. No one mentions moments like this.”
“Nope. I think it’s much worse than housebreaking a puppy.”
“Agreed. I’ll run down to the kitchen to see about paper towels and some kind of cleaner. You’ll...” He stopped himself.
“It’s fine. Go.”
He left, the door closing softly behind him. Eve relaxed against the back of the sofa, Tori snug in her arms. In her sleep the little girl sobbed, her body shuddering. Eve stroked her arm the way she’d seen Kylie do with her children. She sang “Jesus Loves Me.” After a few minutes, Tori’s mouth went slack as she slipped into a sound sleep.
“Sweet baby,” Eve whispered.
Her own eyes grew heavy. She pulled the throw pillow close and rested her arm on it. In her sleep, Tori snuggled in closer. Eve wondered what the child knew. Did she have the ability to wonder where her parents had gone to, or was it a more abstract missing of someone and knowing they were absent from her life?
But the thoughts were too much. She had to focus on Tori, on making her life happier. She realized that in one week she’d gone from wanting to push Ethan and Tori away to wondering how she could remain a part of this child’s life. At least in some small way, she wanted to be included.
Or maybe she wanted more than a tiny corner of Tori’s life. But that life included Ethan. And Ethan was a detriment to her independence.
She sighed as her thoughts grew muddled and decided it was easier to just take an afternoon nap as the rain pattered against the roof.
* * *
Maria smiled up at him when he entered the kitchen.
“Ethan, can I get you something?” she asked.
“I’m afraid so. Cleaning supplies. Tori got sick.”
“Oh no! That poor baby girl.” She wiped her hands on a towel. “We keep those in the pantry. But I will clean that as soon as I finish up here.”
“There’s no need for you to do that. Just point the way.”
“Down the hall and to the left.”
He followed her directions and when he returned to the kitchen, Maria and the tray of food were gone but Kylie and Carson West had arrived with their two children, as well as the baby they were fostering.
“How’s Tori?” Carson asked as he headed for the fridge. “Is there tea in here?”
“I didn’t look for tea,” Ethan answered. “And Tori seems a little better. Maria made her some ginger tea.”
“Maria knows best.” Carson pulled a pitcher of iced tea from the fridge. “And she never fails to keep tea. Do you want a glass?”
“No, I should get back to the girls.”
“You mean Tori and Eve?” Kylie asked. Still holding baby Cara, she sat down on one of the bar stools.
“Yes, that’s who I mean.” Was he in trouble?
“Can I give you some advice, Ethan?” Kylie asked. He kind of thought he didn’t have a choice.
Carson cleared his throat and shot Ethan a warning look. “Say yes because she’s going to give it anyway. And she’s usually right.”
Kylie West smiled at her husband. “That’s why I love you. You’re so smart.”
“I’ll take that advice,” Ethan said.
“Don’t let Eve’s wheelchair fool you into thinking she’s an invalid or that she needs you to take care of her. She can do almost anything, and if she can’t, she’ll ask for help.”
“I appreciate the advice.” He knew that about Eve, that she could do anything she set her mind to. She’d always been that way. Maybe the problem was he wanted to take care of her, to protect her.
“She’s my best friend,” Kylie said, obviously a warning.
“I know. She was my best friend, too.” He left because he didn’t know what else to say.
A moment later he peeked through the door to see how Tori and Eve were faring. They were both asleep. He slipped quietly into the room, careful not to wake them. The sight of Eve and Tori undid something inside him, filling him with a mixture of regret and hope. And the sense of being whole for the first time in four years. No, six. He hadn’t been whole since she’d left for the duty station that would eventually take her to Afghanistan.
He’d tried to convince himself that the emptiness inside him would close up, the way a wo
und closes, leaving scars but being basically healed. It hadn’t happened. She’d been too much a part of his heart, too much a part of his life for too many years.
But the woman sitting on the couch with Tori was a different woman from the one he’d planned to marry. She needed something different from him. Or maybe she was the same woman and she was only just now making it clear that she needed something different, something she’d needed the entire time they’d dated.
He would have to figure out if he could be the man she wanted or needed. He’d have to figure out if she even wanted him in her life. But it wasn’t all about him. Maybe he wasn’t the man she wanted or needed?
For now he had to concentrate on Tori. He had to focus on how to secure her future, how to give her the stability and love a child deserved.
Quietly he went to work cleaning up the mess. Eve and Tori slept on, even after he left the room to toss the trash. He came back in and disinfected the floor; although he’d cleaned it, Maria said to disinfect, disinfect, disinfect.
When he stood, she was watching him, her dark eyes amused.
“What? I can clean.”
“Yes, you can. I’m impressed. I’ll admit, getting down on the floor and scrubbing was not on my to-do list.” She smiled. “There are things I admit I can’t do. I could clean that floor but it requires a lot of effort and energy. I work out, but with specialized equipment. I can’t go riding, which is obvious.”
He started to disagree with that, but she felt it was the truth so he refrained. “But you’ve found more things you can do than things you can’t.”
“True. When I first woke up in the hospital and couldn’t move, that was the most frightened I’ve ever been in my life. I was in a dark place, thinking of how my life had changed and of all the things I’d never do again. Climb a mountain, ride a horse, go for a run. Dance with you.”
“I can’t imagine your fear.”
“I worked through them. I focused on my strengths.”
He wanted to tell her she was amazing but he had a feeling she didn’t want to hear it. She didn’t see herself as amazing. She saw herself the way any woman would, as a person just living her life. Obstacles, challenges, victories, doubts. They were all a part of life.
Her Oklahoma Rancher (Mercy Ranch Book 3) Page 10
