“I didn’t do this. I didn’t…”
“Well it’s done and so are you.”
With that, the phone went dead. She opened her hand and the phone fell to the floor. It landed with a soft thud on the thick carpet. Amara’s knees gave out and she sank to the floor. Her heart plummeted, landing with a crash that shattered it into a million pieces. The question “how could you do this” repeated in her head, but she was asking it of Ryan instead of it being asked of her.
She couldn’t bear one more moment of his handsome face. She turned the TV off and began stacking boxes on the dolly. What had taken three men half a morning to unload into the apartment took her an hour to load in her SUV. She gave the apartment a cursory glance to be sure she’d gotten everything. Her phone vibrated on the granite countertop. She flipped it over without looking at the display, took the back off and removed the battery so she wouldn’t be tempted to answer if it was Ryan. As she disassembled her phone, the ring on her finger glistened in the glow from the pendant light hanging over head.
The ring slid off her finger with ease. She took that as a sign that leaving was the right decision. For a moment she thought about leaving a note, but decided there was no need. There were more important things to think about, like where she was going to go. She no longer had an apartment. Even if she did, she no longer had a job and may not for a while, and she didn’t want to deplete her savings on rent. There was one place to go. Her real home. Her parents’ house. To home, with her parents that actually loved her.
***
Ryan had returned to the apartment first. He hadn’t expected her to be there, but he was going to look everywhere until he found her. He had looked everywhere for her, including her apartment and the campaign office. He’d even driven the brief distance to Gary, Indiana, to see if she’d gone to her parents’ house. After inviting him in, her mom smiled and said she wasn’t home. There was nothing in her manner or cadence that hinted to the lie she was telling so he returned to the apartment he’d given up hope of sharing with Amara. He checked all the rooms again, looking for any trace of her.
A throw pillow rested next to the stuffed chair in the bedroom. It was hers. It had the soft scent of flowers, spice, and vanilla that her apartment had always smelled like. He carried it with him as he checked the rest of the house. Had it been there before? Or had she come in the hours he’d been out looking for her? There was no way of telling. As he walked back into the kitchen he knew it didn’t make a difference.
He sank to the floor and leaned against the base of the island. He hugged the pillow to him and breathed in the scent that reminded him of Amara. The engagement ring and wedding band laying on the counter above his head told him if she had been there, she wasn’t coming back.
Present day
Amara tossed her keys on the entry table and kicked her shoes off. She liked the four inch heels much more than they liked her feet. She shrugged out of her coat and hung it on the coat rack. She flipped through the mail as she walked to the kitchen. Most of it wasn’t for her and the few that were for her weren’t important, so she tossed it on the island for later. She pulled the stemless bistro style wine glass off the drying mat and pulled a bottle of Riesling from the refrigerator. She lifted the lever on the wine stopper and paused. It just struck her that the mail had landed on top of something. But it couldn’t be.
She sat the wine down and slowly approached the mail on the counter. As cautious as someone facing a bear, she lifted the edge of the stack of mail with one finger. There was only one way her wedding band set could be there. Her hands flew to her mouth with a gasp. She jumped back afraid of the circle of metal and stones on the counter. The sudden movement was halted causing her to lose her balance.
Two familiar hands steadied her. “Honey, you’re home.”
She went rigid. Her body was torn between pulling away, leaning into the feel of the man behind her, and using every self defense move she’d ever learn. Not knowing what to do, she just stood there. “Ryan? What…what…why are you in my home?”
“As of this afternoon, this is officially my house, but I’m hoping to make it into a home with you.”
She turned in his arms, glared at him for a moment then pushed away from him. Amara walked back to the front door, stuffed her aching feet back into her heels, grabbed her keys. Not bothering to put her coat back on she slammed the door on her way out. This called for more wine than she had in the house. Perhaps a martini or twelve.
Amara drove out of the subdivision where’s she been renting from her friend Magnolia, Noli for short. The word “renting” was being generous. Her friend hadn’t asked for any money and hadn’t cashed a single check Amara had sent. Selling the house to Ryan could explain that. Ryan and Noli were cousins and blood’s thicker than water. Also, Noli knew nothing of the shamble that perpetuated itself as her marriage with Ryan. Amara was still grateful to because when she first relocated to Indianapolis, she was sleeping on her cousin Serenity’s couch.
She sat in the parking lot of the liquor store with the two bottles of riesling they had chilled. It was cheap, and she’d have a headache in the morning, but that would be fine. A migraine would distract from the resurfaced pain in her heart. She pulled out her phone and dialed Noli.
“Hey, Amara what’s up?”
She didn’t bother with greetings. She needed to get to the bottom of this. “Ryan’s bought the house.”
“I told you about that.”
“No. You didn’t.” She was fighting to keep the hostility out of her tone.
“Well I meant to tell you. Being a new mother killed whatever brain cells being pregnant didn’t take. I’m so sorry it slipped my mind. It’s not a problem is it?”
Amara mumbled a string of profanity before saying more speaking. “No, it’s not a problem. I didn’t know you were selling.”
“Ryan really liked the house when he was there to help Jack get the baby furniture for me and asked if I’d planned to keep it. When I told him I didn’t really need it, he said he was moving to Indy and offered to buy it.”
“Didn’t you tell him I was already living in it?”
“Yes, but he said you’re like family.”
“I’m sure he did,” Amara bit out.
“You don’t sound too happy. Did I do something wrong in letting him buy it?”
“Sorry Noli, it’s not you. It’s Ryan. He’s a …” Amara’s voice trailed off. She couldn’t think of anything decent to say so she said nothing and just took a deep breath.
“Is there something wrong?” Noli asked concerned.
Was it considered wrong that the only man you ever loved continued to turn the knife he’d put in your back.
“Everything’s just peachy. I’m sorry if I got upset. Him moving in just caught me off guard at the end of a long week.”
“I apologize for forgetting to tell you.”
“Forget it. I can deal with Ryan. I was also calling to see about renting the space at Cooper’s bar for a fundraiser. Can you have him give me a call?”
“Actually, I’m the one to talk to about that. We’re business partners now.”
“Business partners and co-parents, interesting.” At least someone was pulling their love life together.
“Amara don’t you start too.”
“Start what? I just said it was interesting. Cooper must be special, this is the longest you’ve stayed put for a while.” After the death of Noli’s parents, she started traveling the world to run from the pain. But an unexpected pregnancy, followed by an early delivery, and a father that refused to be absentee had Noli planting her roots. “I’ll contact you about the fundraiser when I have more details. I thought it would be a good idea to have it at The Smithery because it would show support for an Indiana small business while running for State Senate.”
“Who are you working for again?”
“Ethan Bedlow.”
“The Governor’s son?”
“That sums up my prob
lem, trying to get people to see Ethan as his own person, while still benefiting from the name recognition.”
“I’m so glad you got this job after what happened on that last campaign.” Noli gasped. “Amara, I’m such a horrible friend. I’m sorry. I totally forgot that Ryan was part of what ruined that campaign. I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t worry. With all that’s going on in your life, I totally understand you forgetting how messed up mine is and that Ryan shoulders the bulk of the responsibility.”
“Your life’s not a mess. You’ve picked up the pieces.”
Amara had picked up the pieces and it seemed that Ryan was trying to knock them down again. “It is a mess and it’s about time I actually clean it up and not just push everything under the bed.”
“Tell me about it. I’ll talk to you later.”
It had taken a few months of outright rejections and many unanswered phone calls for her to land another job managing a campaign. It meant moving from the nation’s third largest city, the city she loved, to Indianapolis. At first she understood why it was sometime purposefully mispronounced Indiana-no-place. It had begun to grow on her.
The quiet neighborhood she ran through in the morning helped her clear her head. It was usually just her and the chirps of the birds. There was no such solitude in Chicago. She’d gotten accustomed to the slower pace and loved the lack of traffic jams. She’d even found favorite local spots to eat and drink, and shop. The best thing about the city was that she could turn on the TV without seeing Ryan.
It’s difficult to heal a broken heart, that’s compounded when the handsome face you’re trying to forget is constantly on the screen. How is a woman supposed to move on when the voice that whispered sweet nothings is constantly coming from the speakers? Perhaps he wasn’t constantly on. Maybe it was more like she recorded some of his shows to watch when she missed him.
She had missed him to her core since they’d been separated. For a while there wasn’t a day that went by that she didn’t miss him deeply then hated herself for it. When she’d gotten to a place that he wasn’t on her mind and the prospect of rebuilding her career was real, the real test came, she was forced to see him face to face. Ryan wasn’t just her estranged husband, he was also the brother of her best friend Diane.
When Diane got married this spring, they were both there. He looked so handsome in his tux. He was charming, and laughed and smiled with ease, while she did all she could to keep the tears from flowing. If she started crying, she’d have to reveal to best friend that she was stupid enough to marry a jerk that was using her to advance his career. Then she’d have to tell her that said jerk was none other than her brother. The entire weekend he pursued her and she avoided him for fear of the tears. Or worse, that she’d end up in with bed with him again. She needed Ryan rehab, or a twelve step program, but neither existed, she’d Googled it in a moment of desperation.
Then she had to see him again when Noli, who happens to be his cousin, unexpectedly became a mother. Seeing Ryan beaming over his cousin’s baby crushed her broken heart into a fine dust because she’d fantasized about him holding their child with that exact look of adoration on his face. She’d survived that.
Could she survive them living in the same house? She was about to find out the answer to that question because maybe it was time she take a page from Noli’s book and stop running.
Ryan stood from the couch when she came through the door. His hands were shoved deep in the jeans’ pockets. He looked at her for a moment then focused on something imaginary on the floor. If she didn’t know any better, she’d think he was nervous.
“You want some wine?” she asked as she walked by him towards the kitchen.
“That would be nice.”
She uncorked the bottle like a professional then poured a glass and pushed it towards him across the counter. Handing it to him took the risk of touching him and that’s a risk she didn’t want to take.
“Aren’t you going to have some?”
He raised the glass to his lips, but didn’t take a sip. He was watching as Amara wrapped her lips around the bottle and drank. When she lowered it there was a third left. “This is mine,” she said wiping wine from her mouth with her index finger. “So is that,” she said pointing to bag from the liquor store. “But you can have what’s left in that bottle.”
“I don’t think you should drink that much.”
“I don’t think you should advise me what to do.” She raised the bottle back to her lips.
“No person should drink that much.”
“Ryan, why did you buy this house?”
“Drastic times call for drastic measures.” He stepped closer. “I’ve missed you Amara.”
“None of that explains why you’ve bought a house in Indy when your job is in DC last I heard.”
“When I found out you were moving here, I convinced the network to take a different spin on the show and base me here.”
“So this isn’t temporary?” He shook his head. “Then I’ll move back in with my cousin. Or find a refrigerator box and set up camp down by the White River.”
“Amara, why do you keep running from me? Running away from us?”
“What ‘us’ is there to run from?”
“The husband and wife us.”
“Ryan, you married me to get information, to advance your career.”
“I married you because I love you. I’ve been trying to tell you for months that I got the information from someone else.”
“If not me, then who?”
He looked at the floor. “I can’t tell you that.”
She chuckled. “Protecting them is more important than us, more important than me.” The pain had finally began to dull so she could discuss this without tears threatening to fall.
“Nothing’s more important than you,” he said bringing his eyes back to hers.
“My name is mud because of you. I barely have a career. I’m working for scraps on a long shot US senate campaign. I can barely afford rent. Which is the only thing that’s keeping me from going upstairs and packing right now. If I were important to you, you’d clear my name.”
“I can’t do that.”
“Then prove you didn’t manipulate me and tell me who your source was.”
“Is that what it’ll take for you to forgive me?”
“Ryan, I’ve forgiven you. The problem is I don’t trust you. Love without trust is just lust, and I want more than that in a marriage.”
***
Look for The Nearness of You on Amazon Kindle this Winter to read what happens next.
Someone to Love Page 21
