Breeda Looney Steps Forth

by Oliver Sands

  Table of Contents

  Table of Contents

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  Chapter 5

  Chapter 6

  Chapter 7

  Chapter 8

  Chapter 9

  Chapter 10

  Chapter 11

  Chapter 12

  Chapter 13

  Chapter 14

  Chapter 15

  Chapter 16

  Chapter 17

  Chapter 18

  Chapter 19

  Chapter 20

  Chapter 21

  Chapter 22

  Chapter 23

  Chapter 24

  Chapter 25

  Chapter 26

  Chapter 27

  Chapter 28

  Chapter 29

  Chapter 30

  Chapter 31

  Chapter 32

  Chapter 33

  Chapter 34

  Chapter 35

  Chapter 36

  Chapter 37

  Chapter 38

  Chapter 39

  Chapter 40

  Chapter 41

  BREEDA LOONEY

  STEPS FORTH

  Oliver Sands

  deGrevilo Publishing

  Chapter 1

  The acidic stench of cow dung coaxed Breeda Looney back to her senses. She cracked open her eyes to find her fingers splayed against the tarmac and the contents of her handbag spewed around her on the sunlit road. Her dry-cleaned red dress – ready for this evening – lay crumpled in a heap on the ground beside her. Breeda shook her head, but a fog clung on: the blackness was paying her a visit. A low groan left her lips. It was the afternoon of her thirty-seventh birthday and Breeda was on her hands and knees in the middle of the street. She just hoped to God that Aunt Nora wasn’t witnessing everything with a silent scowl from the pavement.

  The blackness had been visiting Breeda more often since her Mam died last month. In the past weeks Breeda had found herself slumped at the kitchen table, minutes gone and tea cold, or on the hallway floor, the print of rug on her cheek. Until now there’d always been some warning sign, a rising din of white noise in her addled brain. But today had been different. Today it had sideswiped her – and it had bloody well done so in the middle of Main Street.

  Ignoring the sting of gravel in her palms, Breeda turned her head gingerly towards the persistent chugging noise to her right. An ancient Massey Ferguson sat inches from her body, its thick tyres caked in a mixture of manure and straw. From a high perch above her, a bulbous-nosed old farmer was craning his neck to peer down at the obstruction in his path. Breeda struggled herself back onto her feet, wiped her sore hands on her jeans, and nodded an awkward apology to the farmer.

  She reached for her dry-cleaning, and as she bent stiffly to stuff the spilled contents back into her handbag, she spotted her bottle of Diazepam wedged under the tractor’s front tyre. She grabbed the bottle and buried it in her jacket pocket, its very touch an instant salve. Over on the far side of the road a group of tourists queueing to board a coach watched on with concerned bemusement, and as Breeda reached the pavement her cheeks flared with mortification. The state of her. She must look like the village drunk. She dug up her best smile, and then stood back into the shadow of a shop front, willing them to look away.

  With her bag clutched tightly against herself, Breeda waited for her short, jagged breaths to settle. Across the road the over-bright shop fronts of Carrickross village – all pinks and yellows and cornflower blues – glared back at her in a blast of late May sunshine. Two seagulls overhead, guts full from the trawler down at the pier, lost interest in her and followed an ice cream in the sticky grip of a chubby child. Breeda closed her eyes against the world, inhaled a deep lungful of briny North Atlantic air, and blew out slowly through her cheeks. The sparking in her synapses was at last fizzling its way back into the dark recesses of her skull.

  She turned her back to the road and looked at the shop window in front of her. For a startling moment she didn’t recognize the woman reflected back. Her face was puffy and there was a sunken tiredness to her grey-green eyes. Breeda thought of the creeping earliness of each evening’s wine bottle recently and the regular clatter of the recycling bin. The few shifts she did at the wine shop each week came with a generous staff discount which definitely wasn’t helping matters. A serious detox was long overdue. She forced a gap-toothed smile at herself, then brushed a hand through her shoulder-length waves of thick black hair. As she turned from the shop window, the briefest movement behind the glass caught Breeda’s eye. Myra Finch, Aunt Nora’s neighbor, was staring out from behind the counter of The Treasure Chest. The old lady had her arms folded and a face on her like a smacked arse. Breeda smiled in through the window but received only a tight little nod in response, before Myra turned curtly to the shelf behind her to finger her display of Donegal tweeds. For the second time in two minutes Breeda’s face burned.

  Christ.

  Myra would be on the phone within the minute, no doubt provoking a tight-lipped conniption in Aunt Nora. They’d be offering their thanks-be-to-Gods that at least Margaret Looney was no longer alive to see her daughter’s public descent into lunacy. Breeda thought of tomorrow’s lunch at the golf club which Nora had insisted on putting in her diary – twelve sharp! – and felt a little knot of dread in her stomach pulse and echo. As Breeda pictured her aunt – a tweed two-piece beneath the world’s most perfect blow-dry – her late mother’s words arose from within, chiding her:

  She’s been very good to us, love. More than you know.

  Breeda sighed. The woman was hard going, and tomorrow’s lunch would likely involve a lecture on Breeda’s many shortcomings, served with a side of hand-wringing, and a generous dollop of Catholic guilt. In the background the bells of Saint Colmcille’s chimed three times and Breeda glanced at her watch. Her best friend Oona had insisted on dragging her out later for birthday drinks – her first evening out since they’d laid her mother to rest – and Breeda wasn’t going to let thoughts of Nora Cullen spoil things. She turned her back on Myra’s gift shop and set off in the direction of the supermarket.

  The seasons seemed to have changed overnight, the last clawing chill of the long winter now banished from the streets of Carrickross. But whatever change was now blowing through the village was something to which Breeda, alone, felt immune. A hanging basket cascading with an embarrassment of new flowers taunted her with its effortless beauty as she walked under it, and she stopped on the pavement to rummage in her bag for her shopping list. Excited out-of-towners bustled past her towards the beach, lugging windbreakers and cool boxes under their arms. Already-pink kids scuttled after their parents, their virgin buckets and spades clipping Breeda’s legs. The keen tourists and busy locals weaved around her, like currents skirting a stubborn rock. Breeda recognized some of the families from last year; the babies now toddling, the children rangier, the parents paunchier. It seemed like the world was moving on, everyone growing, going places, living life. Everyone but Breeda. She frowned at her shopping list, pretending to read it, and felt her throat rise and fall. A familiar heaviness tugged at her heart, and with it came a sense that somewhere out there a better version of her life stood waiting: one where she might just feel content and complete. Breeda exhaled slowly. She was a thirty-seven-year-old cat lady who worked a few shifts in the local wine shop. She would never climb Everest. She would never have a hospital wing named after her. Breeda Looney was simply destined for a small life. She closed her eyes and tried to convince herself that she was OK with that. But deep down she knew she couldn’t go on, not like this. She thought once more of the change blowing through the streets an
d wondered if there might be some spare change left over for her, something to sweep through her humdrum life and fix those unfixable parts deep within her. Something to stop her from going under.

  Up ahead a movement pulled at Breeda’s attention. A young man in biker boots and a leather jacket was crouching down to look through the buckets of flowers on display outside the florists. There was something oddly familiar about him, and she watched him discreetly over the top of her shopping list. He wasn’t from Carrickross, that was for sure, and although Breeda wasn’t the sort to stand staring gormlessly at randoms in the street, she found herself unable to look away from this stranger. She bit distractedly at her bottom lip, a growing frustration at not being able to place him. She wondered who he was buying the flowers for – maybe his Mum, maybe a girlfriend, maybe even a boyfriend. She continued to observe him, intrigued, as he selected a bunch of dahlias from a bucket, stems dripping as he picked them up, happy with his choice. And just then he looked over. His eyes met hers, and both he and Breeda stood frozen for an awkward moment. A hint of confusion clung to his face, as if he, too, recognized her. The dry-cleaning slid over Breeda’s arm, and she grappled for it before the dress hit the ground. When she looked up again the stranger had gone, a few drops of water on the pavement the only proof that she hadn’t imagined him.

  She stood for a moment, lost in her own thoughts, her head still woolly from the blackness. And then a desolate little laugh came up from within. She shook her head and shoved the shopping list back into her bag. What a fool she was! So desperate for a bit of intrigue in her boring-as-batshit life that she’d grope around for meaning where it didn’t exist. She didn’t know the guy – he probably just looked like someone off the TV. She sighed, then glanced over at the sliding doors of Flynn’s supermarket, and thought of the muzak and florescent strip lights inside. Her groceries could wait. What she needed now was a dirty big G&T and a long soak in the bath. There was a residual fizz in her limbs which she wanted to soak away before her night out with Oona. She adjusted the bag on her shoulder, held her dry cleaning aloft, and turned for home.

  Chapter 2

  Nora Cullen stood back from the clothesline, placed her hands on her hips and fumed at the carnage flapping in front of her. The pristine white tablecloth which she had hung on the line not two hours before was no longer pristine. She leaned in to inspect the bird shit now spattered in a long muddy streak across the white linen, then closed her eyes and sighed through gritted teeth.

  Really. Was it too much to ask…?

  She pulled the pegs and tablecloth off the line and flung the angry bundle into the laundry basket at her feet. She hadn’t time for this. The annual church fete was in less than forty-eight hours and she simply could not use a soiled tablecloth on her bookstall. She sucked on her cheek for a moment, toying with the idea of strategic book placement to mask the droppings. But there was a risk that Father McFadden – a man who read widely – would pick up a random book and discover it. And then what would the man think of her! She snatched the basket up off the lawn and huffed towards the back door.

  It wasn’t just the bird shit putting her in foul humor. The phone call from Myra had caught her unawares. Nora slammed the door on her trusty old Zanussi, cranked the button to a pre-soak setting, and then stood looking out the back window, hoping the slow gurgle of water might soothe her frayed nerves.

  She could still hear Myra’s voice down the line, the barely concealed pleasure in her words, as she relayed that afternoon’s fiasco on Main Street. Nora’s fingers found the small silver crucifix which hung permanently around her neck, and she rubbed at it distractedly as she peered out towards the old cherry blossom up the back of the garden. Breeda was a liability, and as her only living relative it was up to Nora to do something about her. The girl lacked discipline, she needed order, she was crying out for a guiding light to shepherd her back onto the straight and narrow. Nora mouthed the words over the soft rumble of the washing machine. A guiding light. Yes, she liked the sound of that.

  Nora thought of the promise she’d made to her dying sister as she’d sat smoothing the pale skin on her frail hand not long ago. She remembered the gentle wave of relief that had washed over Margaret’s face as Nora had solemnly promised that of course she’d keep an eye on her only child. An image of Breeda came lurching unbidden to her mind now. Nora sighed. She had tried to love her niece over the years, and sometimes there were indeed little embers of affection that would glow briefly in her chest. But there’d always been a push-pull in her heart – since Breeda was a young girl – an emotional balancing act which saw the scales tip in the favour of aversion and disdain. Nora would never admit to her dislike of her niece, of course. After all, it wasn’t the girl’s fault that she was the spit of her father. But a promise was a promise, and Nora Cullen was true to her word.

  She crossed her black and white tiled hallway, and by the time she reached the top of the stairs a solution had come to her. Breeda Looney was too long in the tooth to be living such a shambles of a life. Nora brushed a piece of fluff from her tweed skirt and leaned her shoulder against the door frame of the spare room. The room itself was plain and unfussy, small and dark, but with everything that was needed. The single bed was perfectly fine, albeit with the odd stray spring, there was a spacious old armoire for clothes, and a nice picture of Saint Brigid hung centrally on the far wall. Nora adjusted the large crucifix hanging over the bed head, and as she did so Myra Finch’s words rang in her ear once more.

  Crawling around like a drunk.

  A public embarrassment.

  What would her mother say?

  The girl has no shame.

  Nora turned to the small window overlooking the back garden and drummed her fingers on the windowsill. She tutted to herself. It seemed like only yesterday that she’d spent ages pushing that cantankerous lawn mower up and down the garden. And now look! It was as if the grass had shot up three inches overnight. A woman of Nora Cullen’s standing simply had better things to do. She needed to be out there, helping the community, leading by example, not struggling a rusty old lawn mower up and down in the heat. The more she thought about it the more it made perfect sense. It would be a win-win.

  Nora exited the spare bedroom, her decision made. She’d tell the girl over lunch tomorrow.

  Chapter 3

  Thin clouds scudded over the bay and moved swiftly up the ragged patchwork of fields leading from the village to a cluster of cottages on Bayview Rise. The whitewashed walls of Number One stood blinding in the late-afternoon sun, and upstairs, in the steamy bathroom, Breeda lay motionless beneath a spread of dying bubbles. The fizziness had left her limbs, but a niggling little disquiet had been nibbling at the corner of her mind since she’d walked home from Main Street. Try as she might, she hadn’t been able to shake it. To make matters worse, her neighbor had spent the last twenty minutes stomping around on the adjoining roof. Every time he dropped his hammer Breeda tensed, half expecting it to smash through her ceiling and land in the bath. She glared at a discolored piece of grout near the taps and waited for the racket to start up again.

  Her neighbor, Finbarr Feeley, was one of those country men of an indeterminate age, somewhere between thirty-five and fifty, Breeda guessed. It was probably the big beard that hid his age – a dense, dark brown bush halfway down his broad chest. Finbarr had moved into the attached house just over five years ago, and aside from his constant tinkering on his bloody roof he’d always been a decent neighbor. To a degree he was a man from a bygone era, always addressing Breeda and her mother as Miss Looney and Mrs Looney, respectively. From the time he’d moved in he’d regularly left the Looneys a box of fresh eggs from his hens on their kitchen windowsill. And whenever he took his lawn mower out, he always made sure to go over their garden too. In those early days Margaret had attempted to give him a few quid for his trouble, but he’d always insisted sure she could sort him out next time, and of course that had never happened. Breeda had come back from
the shops one afternoon — a few days after Margaret had died — to find a dozen eggs on the windowsill and the lawn neatly mowed. She’d sat at the kitchen table and bawled her eyes out, unsure why she was in such a state, but aware of a bittersweet relief that at least some small acts of kindness would continue in this cruel world, even with her poor mother no longer alive to witness them.

  Above Breeda’s head the blasted hammering kicked off again, and she stood quickly, abandoning the bath, and cursing as sudsy water sloshed onto the floorboards. She pulled on her dressing gown, nudged open the window, then attacked her scalp vigorously with a towel.

  Downstairs the letterbox clattered – better late than never – and Breeda exited the damp air of the bathroom. On the hallway floor, inside the frosted glass of the front door, sat two envelopes. She squatted down and touched her finger softly to them, keenly aware, all of a sudden, that here she was – for the first time in her life – an orphan on her birthday. A little tightness came to her chest as she realised there’d be no more birthday cards from her mother. Breeda walked slowly back along the hallway with the envelopes, and as she entered the kitchen Ginger stretched and looked up from her sunny spot on the floor. Breeda ripped open the first envelope, noticing the perfectly-squared stamp, and the tiny birdlike handwriting, precise and unmistakable. Aunt Nora.

  Happy Birthday to Breeda. From Aunt Nora.

  Breeda shook her head and laughed to herself. There was no fear that anyone would ever accuse Nora Cullen of being overly effusive. The woman had probably sprinkled the envelope with holy water from Lourdes, before slotting it deftly into the mailbox, and then striding off to save the community. How different her mother had been from her aunt – ‘chalk and cheese’ was the expression that came to mind – but Margaret and Nora had been tight, too, over the years. Breeda had plenty of childhood memories of the two sisters talking in hushed tones, clamming up when young Breeda entered the room.