by Emily Nealis
Adam stormed back into the dining room, the impact of his boots on the hardwood floor reverberating through the empty house. He jabbed his index finger into his chest.
“I have all the responsibilities, Haley! Who do you think makes the money to afford this house, to take care of our kids, and give you the life you have? I cut back on overtime so I can be home more during the week, and that means less money, but I did it because I care about my family. So, don’t you talk to me about responsibilities! This isn’t your house!”
My anger intensified with every word that came out of his mouth. I could have grabbed one of the dishes from the dry rack in the sink and smashed it over his head for saying what he did; that the home I kept—just for him—wasn’t even mine. I was so angry, I couldn’t even speak. Adam shook his head and rolled his eyes.
“I’m not fighting with you about this. I don’t know why I even bother with you anymore.” He stormed past me, toward the stairs to the basement. This is how it always ended—with him dismissing me and escaping to wherever he would spend the rest of the evening. With the girls staying at their grandparents’, this was supposed to have been our night together. Instead, it turned into yet another argument where I was the one being irrational and he didn’t have time for it. I refused to leave it at that, to let the conversation end with another dismissal from my husband. I followed him down the stairs, becoming more indignant with every step.
“We’re not done discussing this! You can’t just brush me off like what I’m saying doesn’t matter.”
“Leave me alone, Haley.” He growled, continuing to walk away from me. I caught the warning tone in his voice, the same one he used earlier that day, the one to let me know I needed to shut my mouth immediately. There was no chance of that happening.
“I want to know why you’re blowing me off and refusing to acknowledge this. I take care of the girls the whole week while you’re working, and the least you can do is treat me like your wife with some fucking decency. Your place is here with your family and you need to act like it.”
Halfway across the den, Adam froze and slowly turned around. He didn’t look like Adam anymore—the same Adam, anyway. The hatred in his eyes was the same fury from long ago. It was the same rage that consumed Adam during the worst fight we’d ever had. It was the same blinding wrath he left the house with that night, and came home later covered in blood. He took a step toward me, his face suddenly calm.
“I hope you’re not suggesting that I’ve been neglecting my kids or that I’m not caring for them properly.” Adam could be frightening when he wanted to, but I already knew this about him. It’s how he’s always been. But we’d reached a critical moment; either he was going to tell me the truth or—or I didn’t even know what. There was no other option, I was going to pressure him on this until something happened. He moved closer, glaring down at me. His face was only inches from mine.
“Do you want to rethink that idea?” He snarled, his voice lowering to almost a whisper. I glared back at him with a hatred burning deep in my core. The question was out there, but I don’t think he believed that I had the courage to ask it. I could have been wrong, after all. The perfume in his truck could have been from one of his coworkers. I could have been overreacting, blowing the entire situation out of proportion. But what if I wasn’t? There were plenty of times when I knew other women flirted with Adam—some of them had even done so right in front of me. But I didn’t question his actions then because I trusted him without a shadow of a doubt. Why didn’t I trust him now, what was the difference between seeing something with my own eyes and sensing it? The difference was that I had a gut feeling that something was wrong. It was a feeling I’d never had before and, as much as I tried, I couldn’t ignore it.
“Adam, was Diana Sanderson in your truck?”
He was unflinching. Adam didn’t bat an eye, he only pursed his mouth, as though he was even more disgusted and annoyed than before. He scoffed, eyeing me up and down as he decided how to respond. He was realizing that I was not going to back down.
“Is that what you want to hear?” He leaned closer to me, “Is that what you want to believe I do? You’re not happy, so you have to make up scenarios where I’m fucking other women on the side?”
I didn’t respond, I wanted an answer from him.
“My career is finally where it needs to be and I made a lot of sacrifices in the process, sacrifices you will never be able to understand. I do it all so that I can provide for you and be a role model for my kids, but that’s not enough for you.”
I stared at Adam, waiting for a clear answer. As he spoke, his emotions were running the gamut between hurt and furious. He looked away every so often, his jaw clenched, breathing heavily as he shifted from one foot to the other. One moment, he would be shouting at me, and the next it seemed like he was speaking to someone else in the room.
“You tell me, have I ever run around on you? Didn’t I stay with you through everything instead of walking out and leaving you on your ass with nothing?”
Of course, he would bring up the darkest moments of our past; the ones where we hated each other and screamed vile things at one another to see who could hurt the other one the most. I didn’t care as much back then, before I had two daughters. Back then, I told him I hated him and said I was glad I’d miscarried because I didn’t want any child of mine to have a father like him. But that was so long ago, during a time when I had nothing and walking away meant literally walking out the door and continuing my life, business as usual, just in a different location. It wasn’t so simple now.
“Adam,” I gritted my teeth, tired of his distractions, “Answer me.”
“Fine. You want some truth?”
In an instant, I was upside down. Before I knew what was happening, Adam bent over, hooked one arm around my waist and the other between my legs, and hoisted me over his shoulder. As I dangled over his back, he started back up the stairs. I pounded on his back, shouting at him to put me down. But he’s strong, and it didn’t faze him at all. As much as I tried to kick my legs and disrupt his gait, his arms were stronger and he held them tight against his chest.
I watched the stairs disappear and the hardwood floor transform into the concrete of the front porch. The screen door slammed behind us. Adam bent over, letting me slide from his shoulder and dropped me into a heap onto the front porch. He disappeared back into the house and, before I could stand up, shut the front door, locking it behind him. I banged on the door with my fists, shaking the door knob and yelling at him to let me back in. I turned and ran down the porch steps, around the house, and down the hill to the back door. By the time I got there, Adam had locked that one too.
I ran back up the hill to the front of the house, where I saw Adam open the door to my SUV and grab the garage door opener from my visor. He slammed the door and locked the vehicle with my keys. Methodically, he got into his truck and started the engine. Before I made it back up the hill, he pulled his truck up against my SUV, so close to the door that I wouldn’t be able to fit in between them to open the door with the key code on the handle. I ran to the garage door and punched in the code, but the key pad was dark. He’d locked up the house, disabled the garage door, taken my car keys and garage opener, and made my vehicle inaccessible. I didn’t even have my phone; I left it sitting on the kitchen counter. As I yelled at Adam, he walked calmly toward me, coming within inches of my face.
“The truth is that I could if I wanted. I could say the word and get a piece of that anytime I want. But since you have everything figured out, you can sit here and decide whether I have or not.” Before I could respond, he shoved past me and started down the hill. He continued across the backyard and disappeared behind the trees on his way to the shed, leaving me with nowhere to go.
I didn’t follow him. Instead, I walked back up to the front porch and sat down on the concrete floor, my legs dangling off the edge. Adam always had to have the last word. Even though I know Adam and I know the things he can
say to hurt me and anyone else he wants, I couldn’t help but doubt my judgement. I did this for the next three hours, alternating between rationalizing his denial, wondering if I’d overreacted, and thinking the worst. I’d named her, after all, there were no more suggestions, no taking it back. I’d asked Adam, outright, if he was seeing her. Images flashed through my mind. I tried to block them out, but I couldn’t help but speculate. Had he touched her the same way he touched me? And what for? Having two kids in the house significantly changes things, but we were never the couple whose intimacy dried up as soon as they had kids in the house. We weren’t the cliché couple who drifted apart and barely knew one another anymore. Nothing about this situation made sense and, yet, here it was.
As the sun disappeared behind the trees and the light began to fade, I played devil’s advocate. If I was right, what would I do? Would I take the girls and leave? Where would I go? To my parents’? Our finances were just that—ours. I took care of paying our bills and keeping the farm running, but he was our primary income. Would I actually leave Adam? I would want to, but could I accept the destruction, grief, and heartache that would follow? Which was worse?
Our relationship was rocky at times, but we always found our way back to one another. We’d built an entire life together; a world where there were no alternatives except living in it together. Adam could have given up a long time ago, walked out of my life without a second thought, but he didn’t. I doubted he would even after this fight, and I decided I wouldn’t, either. We’re married, we took vows in front of God and our family to stay faithful to each other, for better or for worse. That means something to me.
After three hours passed, Adam finally came back to the house. He unlocked the garage door and went inside, not speaking a word to me. We didn’t speak the rest of the night. He slept on the couch in the living room, leaving the next morning before I woke up. That afternoon, I picked the girls up from school and, when Adam got home from work, it was like nothing had ever happened. Adam could be mean and hateful, but he’s also the most honest person I know. He doesn’t dwell on the past or hold grudges, something I envy about him. He says what he’s feeling and thinking, which is hard to come by these days. Adam might do things that drive me crazy or make me so angry that I don’t want to speak to or look at him, but I know there’s nowhere he’d rather be than with me and our girls.
7
September 6 – THE ANNIVERSARY
Diana
Until now, I had based so many of my decisions about Adam on the fact that his choices about his marriage were his business, and his alone. But now, I could not say that. His problems became my problems as soon as I started caring about him, the moment he became an integral part of my life, and the day I realized I loved him and I didn’t want to live a day without him. I shook my head and pushed the doubt from my mind. With each day, my skepticism about Adam after the fight he had with Haley faded. It was a vague story to begin with, full of holes in information I either didn’t know or didn’t want to know. Adam’s demeanor and attitude toward me didn’t reflect who he was in that story. He was still the same person I drank coffee with every morning. He was still the same person who kissed me goodbye in the mornings and the last person I spoke to before I went to sleep. In a month, I hardly thought about it anymore. But like I said, some things can’t be shaken so easily. Reality comes back to confront you in ways you never imagined; in insignificant ways that, suddenly, become the most significant.
This is what happened one Friday in September. I knew I wouldn’t speak to Adam much that day. We didn’t even meet for coffee. The previous night, he told me he was taking Friday off to spend the day completing a few projects on the farm. I thought nothing of it. I started my day like I would any other day. I drove to work, arriving a little earlier than normal, which put me in a good mood because it meant I could leave earlier in the afternoon. I was the most productive I’d been in a long time; flying through data, editing reports, and checking off as many tasks as I could before the weekend.
My last obligation of the day was a meeting with one of the study teams regarding the status of one of the new labs; the meeting was organized only three hours before it was scheduled to occur, of course. Renovation of the labs was completed in the last week, leaving only days to test the air and light monitoring systems, ventilation, and troubleshoot any issues discovered between now and when the lab was scheduled to be operational. As usual, it was trial by fire. Work was already scheduled for the new labs on Monday, which meant that facilities would be in overdrive to mitigate any problems before 8:00AM on Monday morning. This was a university facility, not a for-profit research organization, so you’d think deadlines would be more fluid. However, this was not the case. At times, I imagined working for administrators and researchers with millions of dollars of grant money was just like working for commercial clients. No matter how much our teams prepared, everything was an emergency.
At 2:00, I arrived in one of the conference rooms. Kelly the Manager of Operations, Aaron the Facilities Manager, and a member of the HVAC facilities crew I had not met before, were already sitting around the table. I took a seat next to the member of the facilities crew I didn’t know. Kelly was busy scribbling words on her notepad before the meeting even began, possibly drafting a suicide note. Kelly didn’t handle stress very well, which was surprising since she’d been doing her job for over a decade. It was a wonder she hadn’t had a stroke yet. Aaron, however, was reclined in his chair, his arms folded. He’d also been doing his job for over a decade and took the opposite approach of Kelly. He followed the rules and made sure the facility ran smoothly, but he wasn’t about to lose sleep or put in extra time unless it was a safety emergency. Most of my interactions with him involved a lot of eye-rolling and sarcastic exchanges indicating that he thought the neurotic scientists needed to simmer down.
“Calm down, I’m the air guy,” he told me once when I relayed a message of concern over a two-degree discrepancy, “your shit will get ventilated.”
Noted.
At 2:04, Scott, the Principal Investigator who called the meeting, entered the room and shut the door. Scott looked displeased. But, then again, Scott always looked displeased. I already knew this, as he was the PI I worked with most often. I found out later this was because no one liked working with him and I never complained about it, so management continued assigning me to his studies. He had the same stoic expression since the day I met him. The man could be on a rollercoaster or on a speedboat in the middle of the Bahamas and still look like someone ran over his cat with a steamroller. As Scott opened his mouth to speak, his cell phone rang. He looked at the screen, answered it, stood up, and left the room again. Meetings with Scott could take a while.
In the meantime, everyone else began to chat again. Aaron pointed at the man sitting next to him.
“Diana, have you met Danny yet?” Danny had short blonde hair and fair skin. I noticed he was wearing a t-shirt with the logo of the same company Adam worked for. This was not unusual, the university regularly contracted with GenTech, and their contractors were often on the premises.
“No, I don’t think so,” I extended my hand to him, “Diana Sanderson.”
“Nice to meet you,” Danny replied, shaking my hand. He glanced back and forth between Aaron and I, pointing to the door, “Does he always look like he’s about to murder someone?” Aaron threw his head back, letting out a howl of laughter.
“Pretty much,” I nodded my head, “I hope you’re not on any kind of schedule, because no one here seems to be.”
“Story of my life. I’ve been here 14 years and the more things change, the more they stay the same.” Aaron raised his chin smugly, narrowing his eyes. Right then, the door opened, and Scott appeared, his phone still against his ear. He motioned for Kelly to join him in the hallway. She rushed out of the room, no doubt on her way to an impending heart attack. Once the door closed again, Aaron rolled his eyes and glanced at his watch. Danny shrugged.
“Adam Hunt?” I asked, surprised to hear his name. I didn’t think he was currently working at our facility, but this also wasn’t surprising, considering this meeting was thrown together at the last minute along with everything else regarding the lab renovation.
“Yeah, I think that’s where I’ve heard your name before. You know him, right?” Danny snapped his fingers in recognition. I nodded.
“Yes, I know his sister-in-law, Carolyn.”
“Well, then you’ll get a kick out of why I had to cover for that jerk today,” Danny relaxed after he realized our mutual acquaintance, “You guys need to check this out.” He lifted his phone off the table and began swiping his fingers over the screen. After a few moments, Danny motioned for Aaron and me to scoot closer to watch a video. Looking over Danny’s shoulder, I watched him press play. An image appeared of the back of a woman dressed in black shorts and a teal tank top. Her deep brown hair was pulled back in a ponytail. She was walking, barefoot, down a concrete driveway flanking a spacious lawn backing up to a cluster of woods. I knew exactly who it was and where she was, but I remained silent. The woman stopped and turned halfway around to say something, but her voice was too low to register on the microphone.
Just keep going, I recognized Adam’s voice. Haley turned back around and kept walking down the driveway. Adam stifled soft laughter behind the camera. Finally, Haley reached the end of the driveway where it curved around behind the house at the bottom of the hill. She stopped, paused for a moment, and her mouth flew open with a shriek. She turned toward the camera, a wide grin splashed across her face. She covered her mouth with her hand and turned back to whatever was hidden from view behind the house.
