“Ye marry a lass when ye love her and I am nae sure if I do.”
“Weel, ye are e’en more witless than I thought,” said Simon.
“I await the day the confusion comes to ye, Simon. However, I do think I should consider what Connor told me. He asked how I felt when she got stabbed. Terrified, I said. He said a mon doesnae get terrified o’er naught. It sounded so brilliant when he said it but the more I thought . . .” He looked at his friends in surprise when they both cursed.
“Stop thinking so much,” Simon snapped. “That is where your problem lies. Ye think o’er everything too much. Some things just are and they dinnae always make sense or follow a straight path. Ye have found reasons to drag her around with ye, keep her at your side, for months now. Aye, it proved helpful in several cases but there really was no need. But ye always thought of one, didnae ye. Always came up with some good reason why she had to stay with ye. And then there is what Connor said though I cannae believe I agree with him. A mon doesnae get terrified o’er naught. Stop thinking it to death. There is only one thing ye need to decide.”
“And what is that, oh wise one?”
“Do ye want her to stay with ye?”
* * *
Callum was still mulling that over when he entered his bedchamber. Simon was right. He teased Bethoc about fretting too much but he overthought everything. Maybe there were things that you just could not think out clearly no matter how hard you tried. Emotions got in the way.
He walked over to the bed and began to shed his clothes. Looking at a sleeping Bethoc he had an answer to the question Simon said was the only one he had to ask. He wanted her to stay with him. He could not think of a future without her by his side.
After taking a moment to wash up, he slid into bed and pulled her into his arms. This was where she belonged. It was the one thing he had no doubt about. He had not even looked at a woman since he had met her. He suddenly recalled an incident with Payton as they walked the streets of the town and he caught the man looking at a pretty, buxom lass walking past them. When he had reminded the man he had Kirstie and should not be looking, Payton had laughed and said a man cannot help appreciating the scenery, that the proof of his love for Kirstie was that he only looked, never touched or even tried to.
It made sense even then. He had not even looked at the moment because he was still completely caught up in what he had with Bethoc, and in trying to decide exactly what that was. Callum idly promised himself to remember that moment with Payton later, when he did catch himself enjoying the scenery. It was not wise to do so if one’s woman was close at hand.
He kissed the top of her head and began to lightly explore her body with his hands. The night shift was an irritant but he did not yet dare to remove it. If she woke now, he would, but he was hesitant to do so too abruptly. They had had a long day and she was undoubtedly exhausted.
* * *
Bethoc woke to the thrill of warm hands sliding beneath her night shift. Even before she was fully awake she knew it was Callum. The smell of an old oak tree wrapped around her. She sleepily lifted her arms to wrap them around his neck and pull him close. If she was only going to have one more night with him she did not wish to waste it sleeping. She had a few daring ideas of what she wanted to do and wanted to be certain to have the time to do them.
“Recovered from all that riding?” he asked as he eased her night shift over her head.
“Aye. The hot bath helped.”
“Sorry I woke you.”
“Nay, ye are not.”
Hearing the laughter in her words, he grinned. “Nay, I am not. Ye did look sweet sleeping there.”
“Sweet?” He pulled her close and Bethoc reveled in the touch of their skin, the warmth of his body sinking into hers.
“Peaceful then.” He sighed with pleasure when she gently pushed him onto his back and sprawled on top of him. “Sweetly peaceful and, aye, I did feel a tiny touch of guilt for disturbing ye.” He ran his hands up and down her back as she teased him with small, soft kisses.
Then he kissed her, lost for the moment in the hot sweetness of it. When it ended she moved her kisses to his neck and he murmured his delight. It was not until he realized she was not stopping there that he became tense with anticipation. She kissed her way down his chest, pausing now and then to give him a little nip and soothe the sting of it with her tongue.
Bethoc was not certain about what she was doing but did feel sure she would know if she erred. After all the times he had kissed her so intimately she had to believe he would like it in return. As she kissed his strong thighs, taking the occasional little bite and laving the spot with her tongue, she slipped her hand over to his erection and lightly, slowly stroked it. His groan and the faint jerk of his body told her he liked that.
When she finally kissed him there, his whole body tensed beneath her. Afraid she had made a mistake, that it was one of those things considered fine for a man to do but not a woman, she lifted her head to say something. He curled his fingers in her hair and gently pushed her head back down. Bethoc took that as a sign of welcome and went back to driving him wild with her tongue.
Then she took him into her mouth and he cried out. The sound was one of pleasure and welcome so she continued, pleased that she had found something that gave him such delight. It amazed her that, as she roused his passion, her own grew and she knew she could not continue the play for long.
Callum was both surprised and delighted at Bethoc’s boldness. He gritted his teeth and tried to enjoy what she was doing for as long as he could. It was a hard battle and he was only able to enjoy her intimate attentions for a little while before he dragged her up his body and then joined them. As she rode him he grasped her breasts to squeeze and stroke. When he lifted his head to kiss them, he felt her tighten around him and let go of his own control to go over the edge with her.
Their cries blended and then Bethoc collapsed in his arms. For a while they just held each other, panting softly as they struggled to catch their breath. Callum had never felt so replete. He knew he would not find such a feeling with any other woman.
“Ah, Bethoc, I really think I might love ye.”
The moment he heard his own words, he softly cursed. That was not what he had meant to say. He was not surprised when she got off him quickly and stared down at him with an expression that was a strange mixture of delight and aggravation. It had been a totally ignorant thing to say.
“Ye think ye might love me?” While her heart was pounding with hope and happiness, her mind said it was not what she needed.
“That was foolish,” he muttered, and ran his hands through his hair. “I meant to say I think I love ye.”
“Why are ye e’en saying it if ye arenae sure?”
“Because I dinnae want ye to leave me.”
Bethoc stared at him. She was now disappointed yet not crushed or heartbroken. What she had, she decided, was a man who did not know what he felt. She could not stop herself from thinking that he did love her but just did not feel certain. Not only did it sound vain to think it, but she knew she might be grasping at false hope but could not shake the feeling.
“Love is nay a maybe, Callum. Ye either do or ye don’t. I love ye and have nay a doubt about it.” She pushed against his chest when he tried to take her into his arms. “Why is it that ye think ye might love me?”
“Weel, I look into the future and ye are always there. Each thing I plan, I wonder how it will suit ye.” He frowned for he had never listed the reasons before and was not sure how to say what needed saying. “I dinnae look at another woman,” he said, and wondered why she was not delighted by that.
“Weel, that is verra nice but doesnae mean ye love me, really. Ye have been a wee bit busy of late and nae in a place where women have been plentiful. And, to be honest, I dinnae think it will last. Wheesht, nae sure I would want it to because then I couldnae look at a mon and when ye have ones like Payton and Connor about, a woman would have to be on her deathbed to nae look
at them and e’en then they would probably try.”
Callum looked at her and suddenly grinned, recalling what Payton had said. “Fair enough. What do ye think tells ye whether ye are in love or nae?”
“Worry when they are out of your sight or in trouble, delight when they come home nay matter how short the trip or how far they went, this”—she waved her hand at the two of them in bed—“mayhap having trouble sleeping when the other isnae with ye, feeling it when they are hurt or sad and wanting to fix it fast, and wanting to do things just because ye think they may like it or wondering if ye should do something because ye worry they may nae like it. ’Tis nae so easy to describe. When ye get good or bad news they are the first one ye think of to tell. That and feeling guilty if ye try to keep a secret from them.” She shrugged.
“Or being bone-deep terrified because they just got hurt, e’en though ye can see it isnae a mortal wound.”
“Exactly.”
He frowned and said carefully, “Or being afraid that if ye admit it, it might nae be returned.” He felt lighter in heart for saying that and began to know that that had been his real fear, one that had been set so deep he had not really recognized it.
“Most certainly that. That would mean heartache and nay rational person courts that.”
He stared at her. She sat with the linen sheet covering her lap and her hair draped over her breasts. He thought her the most beautiful thing he had seen. She loved him and he could only marvel at the fact that she did. His inept words had not sent her storming from the room either, and he began to think that was because she understood him better than he did himself.
“Then I love ye, Bethoc Matheson, and I want ye to marry me.” He felt a cold grip his innards as he spoke the words and waited for her answer.
“Oh, aye, Callum. Aye.”
She flung herself into his arms and hugged him tightly. Callum breathed a hearty sigh of relief. It was odd how he had ignored his own fear but he was relieved it had not cost him Bethoc. When she lifted her head to look at him, he kissed her.
“I have four children,” she warned after the kiss ended.
“I collect them and quite often have more than four.”
“Are ye certain, Callum? I couldnae bear having ye change your mind later and find myself wed to ye but ye nae bound to me.”
“Actually, aye, I am verra sure.” He touched a kiss to her nose. “I realized as we talked that my doubts were born of fear. I am nae clean and have often doubted why anyone would have anything to do with me. I didnae heed my grandfather’s words of affection for a long time because of that.”
“Ye are nae unclean, Callum. That is utter nonsense. Do ye think Laurel unclean and unworthy of Robbie’s love?”
“Weel, nay. Of course not. Sadly, too many women suffer the horror of rape, e’en from their own husbands. How could one fault them for that?”
“And how could one fault a child for the same thing?”
“That’s what Payton always said.”
“Weel, ye obviously didnae listen. Would ye have thought me unclean if ye hadnae arrived in time at the jail and the sheriff and his men had done as they were intending?”
“Nay, but I would have killed them and that would have caused a problem or two.”
He sighed and nodded. “I understand. I do. ’Tis just hard to recall it from time to time. I will try harder to do so.”
“Good, because it twists up your thoughts, I think.”
He laughed. “Aye, it does.”
“So when would ye like to be married? In the spring?”
“Nay, that is too long to wait. Soon. I want ye to be the lady here as soon as possible.” He slid his hands down to caress her buttocks.
“I dinnae need anything fancy so whene’er ye choose is fine with me. Maybe before all the flowers are gone though. I think a wee basket of petals to throw about would please Margaret.”
“I was thinking we would wed as soon as I can get a priest here.”
She grinned. “Then find your priest. I will be ready.”
He kissed her and began to make love to her. Slow and languid, he dragged out every caress and kiss to savor the pleasure. When they finally found release as one, he held her close as she fell asleep. Once he was sure she was sound asleep he slipped out of bed and donned his plaid. He intended to get the vows said as soon as possible and for that he needed someone to fetch him a priest.
Once in the room that Simon and Uven shared, he nudged Simon awake, knowing without looking that Uven had already woken up and was watching him. The man had that ability to sense when someone approached. If he had been a threat he would already be bleeding out on the floor.
“I need a priest as soon as one can be found,” he told Simon.
“So ye finally came to your senses,” Simon said, and yawned widely.
“Aye, though it was a long road and I said stupid things. Fortunately, she is a forgiving lass and a lot smarter about such things than I am. And I think she kens me better than I do myself. But I dinnae want to wait long in case she comes to her senses.” He glared at Uven who just laughed.
“So ye wish us to be up early and go search out a priest?”
“Aye.”
“She is happy enough with such a hurried wedding?” asked Uven.
“She said aye.”
“Might I ask just what made ye so slow? I ken ye think about things too much but nae sure that explains it all.”
Callum sighed and dragged his hand through his hair. “It was stupid and something Payton often lectured me on. I kenned it the moment I asked her to marry me and my innards froze in fear she would say nay. I ne’er fully accepted his lesson that I am nae to blame.”
“Ah. That whole ‘unclean’ problem. Fool.”
“Weel, she didnae call me that but I think she thought me a fool.” He grinned. “Then asked me a couple of questions concerning Laurel and what might have been her if I was not in time and something just fell into place for me. Nae sure what it was and why it didnae work with Payton, but there it is.”
“Probably because Payton didnae have someone ye kenned that he could point to and ask ye if ye thought them unclean. Aye, there were the other lads, but too close, too much like ye were. Who kens. Things like that are hard to understand and what fixes them even harder. But glad ye finally came to your senses. It would have been bad if ye had lost her.”
Callum stood up. “Aye, there is nay doubting that. So I will see ye two when ye return with a priest, aye?”
“Aye. Might be a day or two or e’en longer. If we cannae get one close at hand I ken where to find one.”
“Thank ye. Best get back to bed in case she wakes and wonders where I have run off to.”
Uven watched Callum leave and looked at Simon. “I had wondered if he still had that old fear but it isnae something ye can ask him about verra often.”
“Nay. Ye dinnae wish to bring up old, sad memories either. Then there’s how cocky and strong he is and ye forget there might still be scars on his heart. Weel, except for that anger that can show at times.”
“True. Weel, ’tis just ye and I left, old mon.”
“I am nae about to run out and get wed just because Callum and Robbie feel the urge. I have a lot of living yet to do. A lot of lassies yet to enjoy.”
“Certainly and I am sure they are all lined up eagerly waiting for ye to come and enjoy them.”
Simon cursed and tossed his pillow at Uven.
* * *
Callum slipped back into bed and tugged Bethoc into his arms. She settled herself against his chest and he smiled. This was what he wanted. He could not believe he had been such a fool as to not see it clearly.
He felt an odd lightness in his chest. Then he realized it was because he had recognized and tossed aside an old fear. He had finally accepted that what had been done to him when he was a child had not been his fault, had never been his fault. Most of the time he had believed he had ceased thinking that but, facing Bethoc, opening h
is heart to her, had shown him that he had just buried it deep, not gotten rid of it. Some part of him had still clung to that useless guilt and shame.
“Callum?”
“What, love?”
“Why are your feet cold?”
“Ah, I went to see Simon and Uven to be sure they left early to find us a priest.”
She sleepily kissed his chest, snuggled closer, and went back to sleep. Callum smiled and closed his eyes. He wondered if his nightmares were gone too, and had a feeling they would not return. After all, he could reach for Bethoc now and he knew she would always be there.
Epilogue
One year later
Payton stood next to Callum as they watched Robbie and Laurel arrive. “Robbie looks happy.”
“Oh, aye, he is. As happy as a pig in mud, he says. He has a fine wife, a fine son, and three foster children who would do any mon proud,” answered Callum.
“And now ye are a settled wedded mon.”
Callum grinned. “Aye. Have a son, too.”
“And five foster children, one of them a hellion of a little girl as a sister by law.”
“More fool me for thinking she would calm just because she can talk so well now.”
Payton laughed. “Aye, that one will ne’er calm. Brett should be along soon. They were almost ready to leave when we left their home. Ah, let us see what Robbie has produced.”
When Robbie introduced Laurel to Payton, she hugged him hard and kissed his cheek. She stepped back and held his hands in hers. “Thank ye, Sir Payton, for raising up such a fine mon,” she said.
“Ye did notice that he is a stubborn fellow, didnae ye?” Payton said, but Callum could see that the man was both pleased and embarrassed by her thanks.
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