by Ella Hickson
KATE (stern). Not in front of my boyfriend you’re not, if you don’t mind.
ALBIN. It’s fine.
KATE. It’s rude and... unnecessary.
Beat.
IKE. Chocolate-covered ginger, anyone?
NESSA. Do you remember that bloody Japanese woman that wore that face mask? My God, it made me angry – you’re in the sodding Maasai Mara, the air is practically Brita water-filtered – you berk – you do not need a face mask. It was the same with eating – at dinner she used to pick over her food like a stick insect, just fucking pick it up! Put it in your bloody mouth. Take off that bloody face mask – pick up the bloody sandwich and stuff the whole thing in your mouth, you idiotic tiny woman.
Pause.
KATE. I’m going to go and have a shower.
NESSA. I was changing the subject.
IKE. To racism?
NESSA. To social observation.
KATE. Al – do you want to go and get the bag from the car? And then we’ll go to bed.
ALBIN. It’s okay, Kate – I don’t mind, really.
IKE. You don’t like the way the Japanese eat either?
ALBIN. No – I /
KATE. / Shall we go up?
IKE. I’ve made up your old room – or you can...
KATE. We’re fine in my room, thank you.
IKE. Y-yes – I thought so; I just thought, it being adjacent to mine, in case of noise –
NESSA. Noise?
IKE. It’s further away from my – privacy – I –
KATE. Okay. Okay – Dad.
IKE. Not – just – you know, you two talking late into the night, nothing – I didn’t mean anything else.
ALBIN. I’ve had a really lovely evening – it’s been lovely to meet you both and thank you for dinner, dinner was – delicious. I’m going to go and get the things from the car, are the keys in your bag, Kate – yes – great – I’ll go and – do that.
ALBIN leaves.
KATE, IKE and NESSA watch him go.
Beat.
NESSA collects some cups and glasses.
NESSA. I’ll – make a start on the washing-up.
IKE. I’ll turn the hot water on; there are some towels on your bed.
KATE. Thank you.
KATE exits.
IKE and NESSA are left alone.
Silence.
LONDON
KATE watches IKE and NESSA – they cannot speak to each other.
KATE encourages her mother towards her father.
KATE (directly to IKE). You’d better be getting back –
KELSO
IKE. You’d better be getting back to town – the snow is falling pretty heavily, you’ll be hard pushed to get a taxi to come out here as it is.
LONDON
KATE nudges her mother forward.
KATE. I’ll need to –
KELSO
NESSA (with real honesty this time, not performative at all, vulnerable almost). I’ll need to stay.
IKE. There’s no space.
Beat.
NESSA. It’s late and I want to spend some time with Kate, it’s been ages since we’ve all spent time together. I want to get to know Albin, properly.
IKE. Ages? I can tell you how many years – months – days, probably, if you’d like?
NESSA. No – that’s okay.
IKE. You can’t just... I think it would be better if you stayed in town.
NESSA. Restraint doesn’t suit you, Ike. I remember you writing that diary, every night – all those little letters – all those cool, calm square little letters like tiny little cages, to lock all your rage into –
NESSA looks at IKE but in doing so looks straight at KATE, who still sits outside of the scene as ‘writer’.
– to tie up your love. If only you can get it down, get it to sit down and behave on the page, then it can’t hurt you any more – can it? What do you write in that diary these days? What’s still pulling at the reins, eh, Ike?
IKE. Look – you haven’t been here in a long time, why don’t you come back tomorrow – for lunch – because this evening my daughter and her boyfriend are –
LONDON
KATE. She’s ours, ours – straight down the middle.
KELSO
NESSA. She’s ours, ours – straight down the middle.
IKE. I didn’t leave.
NESSA. When will you stop trying to write bad guys? It’s your weakest suit. They are so two-dimensional – every time.
LONDON
KATE hands the picture of NESSA from IKE’s desk to NESSA – it is as if NESSA has just found it.
KELSO
NESSA. Oh. Hello.
NESSA looks at IKE. IKE doesn’t say anything.
I’m young.
IKE. No you’re not.
NESSA. In the picture. I’m smiling. This is our honeymoon. I’m smiling.
Pause. It’s hugely tender somehow.
IKE. And slim.
NESSA. We stole two bottles of wine from the hotel bar and drank them through straws in the bath.
IKE. Yes.
NESSA. And you gave your penis a beard of bubbles.
IKE. Yes.
NESSA. And I laughed so hard I – farted.
IKE. Yes.
Pause – NESSA puts the photo back down rather respectfully.
NESSA. You should know better, you teach this stuff – the best bad guys are always the ones that still have a little of their humanity left.
ALBIN enters.
IKE. Well, seeing as you are a soulless bitch then you must be a good guy after all – and I’ll tell you what my diary doesn’t contain, it doesn’t contain a comprehensive catalogue of Azerbaijani cock.
NESSA. Hello, Albin.
IKE. Hello.
ALBIN. Hi, guys.
NESSA. Is it awful?
ALBIN. Sorry?
NESSA. The snow.
ALBIN. Still pretty heavy.
IKE. Oh dear.
NESSA. Thank God we’re all tucked up inside.
ALBIN. Thank God.
IKE. Can I get you anything?
ALBIN. No – no – I’m fine, thanks.
IKE. Kate’s in the shower, she said to say.
ALBIN. When did she go?
IKE. To the shower?
NESSA. Do you want to follow?
ALBIN. I wanted to ask you both something. Whilst I have the chance, with you both –
NESSA. Yes?
ALBIN. Here. I – as Kate’s in the shower.
IKE. Right?
LONDON
KATE stands and watches – she removes her pyjamas and puts her ‘Kelso’ clothes back on.
KELSO
KATE appears in the doorway – she goes to speak but notices the tension and steps back so she can’t be seen.
ALBIN. Um – I – I wondered if, I’m sorry – I – I wondered if you might, mind – (Breathes deeply.) agree to – my, me – asking Kate to marry me?
Long pause.
ALBIN looks at IKE – who has seen KATE.
Kate?
IKE. Kate?
KATE. You didn’t turn the hot water on.
IKE. God no, I forgot – one second I’ll go and /
ALBIN. / Did you just…
KATE. What?
NESSA. Hear?
KATE. No – what? What were you saying? Mum – did you tell an embarrassing story?
NESSA. No.
KATE. What? Why are you all looking so –
Pause – everyone is aware for the tiniest of moments.
Come on, Al, let’s go to bed, we’re all tired.
ALBIN. Goodnight. It’s been – I’ve had a nice time.
IKE. It’s lovely to meet you, Albin.
NESSA. Yes.
Beat.
IKE. Goodnight, Katy.
KATE. Night, Dad.
IKE. We’ll have a lovely breakfast tomorrow, I’ll do eggs and croissants and you two just wake up when you’re ready –
KATE. We’ll leav
e early.
ALBIN. Sounds – brill, Ike.
KATE and ALBIN exit.
IKE and NESSA left alone. Beat.
NESSA. I’m sorry, I get a bit gobby when I’m nervous.
IKE. Nervous?
NESSA. Yes – very. (Pause.) I’m sorry.
IKE. It’s just tomorrow. We should make an effort for the sake of –
NESSA. Do you ever feel so proud that we made her? So proud that it makes you –
NESSA touches her chest lightly with her palm but she can’t find the words.
NESSA goes to touch IKE – not romantically, just a hand on the arm.
IKE steps away.
No response.
Pause.
She’s going to marry a lovely man.
IKE. Yes. (Beat.) I’ll bring you down a duvet.
IKE exits.
NESSA is left looking at the photo of her on the desk.
NESSA has lost something.
Three
LONDON
KATE sits.
ALBIN enters.
ALBIN. I thought you were coming down.
KATE turns, almost shocked to see him, and looks up at his face – earnestly.
You said you were coming down – hours ago.
KATE. I’m sorry.
ALBIN. I’m going to go to bed.
KATE. Right.
Pause.
I need to finish this.
ALBIN. Who is it for?
KATE. Just um – the TV people /
ALBIN. / You’ve got a show on; they can’t expect you to work on press night.
KATE. I’d just rather get it done.
ALBIN. Why did you leave?
Beat.
KATE. I didn’t want to watch it. (Beat.) It wasn’t what I –
Beat.
ALBIN. Are you okay?
KATE. I just need to finish this.
ALBIN. Why?
KATE doesn’t respond.
What is it?
Beat.
KATE. I just need to…
ALBIN. Your parents are coming tomorrow, we haven’t shopped, we haven’t done the bedding or – I mean, where are we going to put them?
KATE. I’ll sort it.
Beat.
ALBIN. I’m going to bed, Kate.
KATE. Right.
ALBIN. Are you coming?
KATE. I –
ALBIN. Fine.
ALBIN exits.
KATE sits.
KELSO
ALBIN enters.
ALBIN. Weird to think you grew up in here. Little teenage you, all flat-bodied with your hand in your knickers.
KATE (laughing). My hand in my what?
ALBIN. You’re always going on about what a furious little fiddler you were.
KATE. You’re sitting on /
ALBIN. / What?
KATE. You’re sitting on Bernard’s face.
ALBIN gets up and removes a teddy bear from beneath him.
ALBIN. Bernard?
KATE. Yes – Bernard. Have a little respect; he’s been a man in my life for much longer than you have. He’s got a bigger bell as well.
ALBIN. What?
KATE. Shake him.
The teddy makes a jingling sound.
ALBIN. How do you know I don’t have a bell – you’ve never shaken me?
KATE, a little downbeat, smiles but doesn’t respond. ALBIN picks up the bear and puts its face over KATE’s shoulder – he puts on a sleazy-thigh-rubbing-old-man voice.
‘Oh, hello, Katy – it’s been so long – my, my – haven’t you grown into a lovely young lady – I always knew you would – ’
KATE grabs the bear and pulls it into her lap.
KATE. Bernard is not a paedophile.
ALBIN. How do you know?
KATE. Because I know bears better than you do.
ALBIN. Your dad said it was a bear then there was a loud noise and the door burst open. I’m a city boy – this is the Borders – how was I meant to know it wasn’t a bear?
KATE. Because bears can’t open front doors with their paws.
ALBIN. Screw you. Can I – screw you, please?
KATE smiles.
Yeah?
KATE. Come on then – ‘bear’ all.
ALBIN laughs, starts taking his shirt off, pretending to be a bear.
ALBIN crawls towards KATE, she laughs and scampers off.
ALBIN catches her.
KATE goes a little limp – she’s stopped playing, she’s pensive.
ALBIN (stopping). What?
KATE. Nothing – just – thinking. This room – I – I can’t remember anything from before Mum left. I’ve been trying and there’s almost nothing, the odd snapshot, but I think half of them are photos.
ALBIN. You were only ten.
KATE. They must have had sex.
ALBIN. Okay – shirt back on.
KATE. It’s just weird – thinking, they must have been in love, once – right? But I can’t remember anything from when they were… it’s weird. (Beat.) I remember this one time, Dad kissing Mum by the fireplace, but it seems really – foreign; like it’s someone else, different faces – not my parents. The idea of them holding hands is… I can’t remember them ever touching.
ALBIN. Yeah – they don’t seem that close.
KATE. You and your powers of perception.
ALBIN picks up the bear and throws it at KATE.
Your grandma is so easy and good to be around.
ALBIN. Everyone’s family is different.
KATE. I’m sorry they’re so –
ALBIN. What?
KATE. Dad – when we arrived, pretending to be on the phone – pretending he was talking to someone.
ALBIN. He was talking to someone.
KATE. No – he does that, he pretends to be on the phone – it’s weird, it’s –
ALBIN. I think he was on the phone.
KATE. I promise he was /
ALBIN. / I could hear someone on the other /
KATE. / And Mum is so aggressive and insensitive and /
ALBIN. / Stop apologising for them.
KATE. Don’t say it like that.
ALBIN. They’re your parents.
KATE. Okay.
Beat.
ALBIN. I wasn’t telling you off, I just –
KATE. Don’t judge me.
ALBIN. I wasn’t.
KATE. You don’t get it.
ALBIN (slightly hurt). No, I guess I don’t.
Pause.
KATE. I’m sorry – I’m a dick, I didn’t mean that like that.
ALBIN. Being ashamed of your family is kind of – ugly.
KATE. I know.
ALBIN. Well then, don’t be.
KATE. It feels like… when I’m here… it all feels really tight and I feel like I can’t swallow. And I want to be light and laughing and brushing things off but I can’t be that – for some reason. And I just get tighter and tighter – being afraid, being so horrified by the idea of –
