“Lily?” Les’s grin had faded, and he was studying me intently. “Should I take the silence as a no?”
I swallowed my hot dog. “No.”
He frowned. “No, it’s not a no, or no, you’re not going to go with me?”
Okay, so I couldn’t help it. It was kind of funny to see Les getting all worked up after I’d been so worried about impressing him that first day. I liked being in control way better. So I grinned at him. “Which do you think it is?”
He narrowed his eyes at me. “Are you messing with me?”
“Yep.” I suddenly felt much more cheerful, watching Les squirm. It was amazing the power that my fake boyfriend had given me. I’d have to be sure and thank Rafe the next time I saw him.
Les narrowed his eyes, as if he were trying to figure me out. Which he was, of course. Lily Gardner, woman of mystery. “Messing with me, as in you’re about to say no, or messing with me as in you’re planning to say yes, but you’re torturing me first?”
“Exactly!” I grinned wider at the disgruntled look on his face.
He groaned. “Lily! Are you going with me or not?”
“Yes!”
He started to smile, then frowned. “Yes, you’re going with me, or yes, you’re not?”
I patted his cheek. “I need to check with my boyfriend. Call me Sunday night and I’ll let you know, okay?”
He looked surprised. “Playing hard to get?”
“I am hard to get.” Oh, good one, Lily.
“It seems you are.” He grinned and trailed his fingers over my knee, his eyes bright with interest that hadn’t been there the day we’d met on the field. “I’ll call you. Definitely.” Then he stood up and walked back toward the grill.
I flopped my arms over my head and watched everyone flirting over by the grill. I was the only one not over there. I should feel good, right? I mean, Les was into me. I could quadruple date with my friends. I’d established my social status for my entire high school career.
But I didn’t feel good. Not really. I mean, I felt powerful, and that was good, but I also felt like I had a mound of clay in my chest, making it ache.
Les only liked me because I had a boyfriend, not because he thought there was anything appealing about me personally. I wasn’t an idiot, and I was well aware that he’d started being interested the moment he realized I was taken. What would happen when he found out I was socially unfettered? Would it be like the football field again? Ditching me and running away?
I was cool only because I had a fake boyfriend. A fake boyfriend with a fake MTV audition. A fake boyfriend who had a real girlfriend. A fake boyfriend who I couldn’t stop thinking about.
I was so in over my head.
CHAPTER TEN
From the minute Rafe picked me up on Sunday morning, all he did was talk about the band’s music. It was all about Mass Attack during the whole ride to Mueller-Fordham and once we got into the rehearsal room.
Unfortunately, I wasn’t listening to a word he said.
While Rafe was talking music, all I could do was think about how much cuter he was than Les. How he probably wouldn’t throw me in the pool with all my clothes on, unless he knew I’d be okay with it. How he was such a good guy that he’d made it clear he was with Paige from the first moment, so there could be no misunderstanding. Unlike Les, who had gotten all fired up at the idea of stealing another guy’s girlfriend.
Les was an amoral, boring idiot. Rafe was an incredibly talented musician with a tattoo, mesmerizing eyes, a crazy aunt, screwed up parents, and a great smile. He was wearing a Red Sox hat, a pair of khaki shorts with all sorts of cool pockets on them, and a faded red shirt that looked like bleach had gotten splashed on it. He was so different from Les and the rest of the Inverness guys with their perfect haircuts and poolside barbeques.
Rafe was real.
“Are you listening?” he asked.
I blinked and stared at him. He was sitting at his drums and I was standing at the keyboard. He had an expectant look on his face, as if he’d been waiting for me to answer a question. “Um, I sort of tuned out for a minute.” I studied his tattoo. It was an assortment of bright colors and geometric shapes, but I couldn’t figure out what it was. Would he be offended if I asked him?
“I asked if you were ready to play.”
“Play what?” Investigate the body art? Trace designs on his biceps? Teach the piano girl how to kiss? Those all sounded like good games.
He looked at me like I was insane. “Music?”
“Oh, right. Music.” I sighed, dragging myself back to reality. “Um, no. I need to practice on my own for a sec.” I forced myself to look at the sheet music that he’d given me after our last practice. I’d messed around with it a bit, and it wasn’t so hard. I played a few bars, then I looked up at Rafe expectantly. “Good?”
To my surprise, Rafe shook his head. “This isn’t classical. You need to put some energy into it.”
I felt myself tense up at the criticism. “There’s energy in my music.”
“No, there isn’t. Listen.” He played a few bars on his drums. Simple, fine. “Now, compare that to this.” He played the exact same bars, but it was different. Buzzing with energy, vibrating. “See the difference?”
I pursed my lips, staring glumly at the keyboard. This was starting to feel like a piano lesson. “Yeah.”
“So, do it like that.”
I nodded, and played it again, then looked up. I bit my lip when I saw Rafe shaking his head again. “What’s wrong now?”
“You just played it louder. Louder isn’t better. Play it like you play the JamieX song.”
He was starting to sound like Crusty, wasn’t he? My head began to ache, but I sang a few lines of the JamieX song, then played the new song again.
This time I didn’t need to look at Rafe to know it wasn’t enough.
I dropped my hands and stepped back, my throat tight as all the old pressures slammed into me. That was it. The band experiment was an epic fail. Lily Gardner sucked. “You know, I think the band thing isn’t a good idea.”
Rafe rested his drumsticks on his thigh, his forehead wrinkled as if he had no clue what I was talking about. “Why are you freaking out? So you can’t get the song right yet? So what? That’s what practice is for.”
“No. It’s that stupid passion thing.” I started shaking my head and backing toward the door. “I just don’t have it. This is why I quit the piano. That’s why I’m not doing the audition. Because I can’t.” I was babbling now, but I didn’t care. “I have to leave. I just have to get out.”
“Get out?” His eyebrows shot up. “Where are you going?”
I didn’t answer him. I just yanked open the door and sprinted down the hall. Away. I just had to get away.
“Lily!”
Rafe caught up to me as I vaulted down the stairs. He grabbed my arm, I tripped, and we both went flying. His momentum sent him crashing into me, and we landed hard on the lawn. I groaned as we both sprawled across the grass, my body aching from the impact.
I didn’t bother to get up. It wasn’t worth it. Instead, I rolled onto my back and stared at the sky. The stupid blue sky. Why had I thought being inside playing in a band would be any different from being inside taking piano lessons? Nothing had changed.
“Sorry.” Rafe propped himself up on his elbow and peered down at me. “I didn’t mean to tackle you. You okay?”
“Fine. It’s my weekend for being tackled by guys, apparently.” I realized his face was right over mine. Like, his lips were inches from my face. All he had to do was lean over a little and... I squeezed my eyes shut and sighed. Rafe would never kiss me, and I needed to not think about it. “Go away.”
“What audition aren’t you doing?” he asked.
Oh, right. Because that’s what I wanted to discuss. Another Lily failure. “Nothing.”
“You mentioned it inside. What audition?” he asked again.
I opened my eyes. “You’re annoying.”
“God, fine.” I threw my arms up in exasperation. “NorthEast Seminary of Music secondary school program.” He was still leaning over me. He was so close I could smell his cologne or aftershave or whatever it was. It didn’t matter what it was. It simply smelled amazing. So I closed my eyes again and started breathing through my mouth.
“Are you kidding?” He sounded really impressed. “You got an audition for NESM? That’s awesome.”
A bubble of pride popped up at his genuine admiration, but I immediately squelched it. “No, because I’m going to fail at it and embarrass your aunt and my family. So I’m not going.”
I felt a tap on my forehead. I opened my eyes to find Rafe peering down at me. “What?”
His hair had flopped over his forehead and he looked totally cute. “You’re really not going?”
“Really.” I waited for him to tell me I was throwing my future away. To tell me what an idiot I was. To tell me that refusing to try was the worst kind of failure.
But all he did was roll onto his back, his shoulder resting against mine. “Cool.”
This time I levered myself up on my elbow so I could look at him. I didn’t understand why he wasn’t giving me grief. He clearly knew what a big deal an NESM audition was. “Cool? How is it cool I’m not going?”
His green eyes flicked toward me. “I think it’s great that you’re doing your own thing. If you’re not ready, then it’s good not to do it.”
I frowned. “Really? You mean that?” I didn’t believe him. No one thought like that.
He met my gaze without flinching. “Sure.”
I realized he meant it. He really did think I should skip the audition if I didn’t want to go. Relief rushed through me, and I felt some of the tension ease from my body. It was okay. I was safe with him. He wasn’t going to push me. “Oh.” I flopped back down, no longer touching him. I mean, I wanted to, but I wasn’t exactly going to scoot across the grass so I could.
Instead, he shifted until his head was resting against mine. “You’re wrong, you know.”
Here it comes. I tensed up immediately, waiting for criticism. “For not doing the audition?”
“No, for thinking you don’t have passion. You do when you play the JamieX song.”
“Oh.” Okay, so yeah, he really didn’t care about the audition. I relaxed, and tried not to think about the fact that his head was touching mine. “But I can’t play with that kind of passion. When I try, it’s like I’ve maimed the piano and left it to die a slow, withering death in the desert.” Oh, wait. Maybe it was me dying the slow, withering death in the desert…
Rafe chuckled. “Don’t try. Just have fun.”
“Fun?” I frowned. “Music isn’t about fun.”
He immediately sat up and leaned over me. This time he was wicked close, so close I could smell his toothpaste. Mint. His smile had vanished, and his eyes were super intense. “What did you just say?”
Um, good question. I was having a little trouble thinking with his mouth so close to mine. What if Rafe was my first kiss? That would be so amazing.
“You really think music’s not about fun?” he prompted.
Oh, right. I had said something about that. “It’s work. It’s a career. It’s not fun.”
He shook his head and made a face. “You are so wrong, babe.”
Babe? I was his babe?
“You and me. Tuesday night. We have a date.”
I blinked as sudden excitement rippled through me. “A date?”
Discomfort flashed over his face. “Well, not a date, date.”
“Because you have a girlfriend.” Stupid girlfriend.
“And you have a boyfriend,” he shot back.
Oh…yeah…that was true. The words hung in the air, and for a moment, with him still staring down at me, I wanted to tell him the truth. To see if he’d care. To see if it would change anything.
But I said nothing. I simply couldn’t. What if I admitted I’d lied about having a boyfriend, but he still adored Paige? Then I would just seem pathetic. At least this way, I had pride. I was a liar, but not a loser, and I’d make that trade all day long.
Rafe rolled away from me and stood up, breaking the connection. “Come on, Lily. We have some songs to learn.”
“No, I can’t.” I folded my arms over my chest and settled more firmly into the grass. “Didn’t you hear what I said? I’m horrible and I’m going to mess it up for the rest of the band—”
“Give it up, Gardner.” Rafe grabbed my hand and pulled me to my feet. “Today, you’re going to worry only about learning the music for our gig at the middle school on Saturday. Forget about passion and all that other junk. Just learn the music, okay? You can do that, right?”
I nodded. “Well, yeah, but--”
Rafe put his hand over my mouth, and my knees nearly gave out. “Don’t say it, Lily. Learn the music. That’s all. Okay?”
If I didn’t nod, how long would he leave his hand over my mouth?
“Lily,” he warned. “Say okay.”
Fine. I nodded, and he dropped his hand. Total bummer. Why hadn’t I been that bummed when Les had stopped touching me?
Rafe set his hand on my back and guided me toward the school. “Tuesday night, Lily, you’re going to find out exactly how much fun music can be.”
Tuesday night. Oh, wow. I had a date with Rafe. Not a date, but a date. What if he sort of liked me? What if I didn’t have to go to the semi with Les? What if I said yes to Les tonight and then on Tuesday Rafe said he liked me? Like liked me. I sneaked a peek at Rafe as we walked back up the steps. “Um, Rafe?”
“Yeah?” He opened the door for me.
“There’s this semi-formal at school in two weeks and um, if I needed a date, like if I was desperate, and it wouldn’t really be a date or anything, but you know, well, would you like maybe go with me, like if I needed a favor or something like that?”
Rafe froze and stared at me. “What?”
Oh, good God, had I really just said that? Did I have absolutely no control over my mouth? He looked totally shocked, like he’d just realized that some blood-thirsty vampire had just leapt out of the shadows to suck him dry.
Crud! I’d blown it! I’d crossed that line of friendship and he was going to have to let me down easy. I would be so embarrassed that I’d never be able to look at him again and everything would be awkward around us forever and ever and everyone in the band would be able to tell and they would know that I’d thrown myself at him and he’d had to ditch me. I was such an idiot! “Nevermind. Forget it.” My cheeks burning, I ducked under his arm and bolted for the rehearsal room.
He didn’t try to call me back, and he didn’t run to catch up.
Yeah, okay, that pretty much said all I needed to know, given that he’d already made a habit of chasing me down when I took off on him.
I was already playing the keyboard when he walked in. Was he going to say something? Was he going to say that he’d like to go? I mean, it was out there now. He could pick up on it if he wanted to. I peered at him from beneath the shield of my hair.
He glanced at me, and my heart skipped a beat. What was he going to say? His cheeks were flushed and he looked a little nervous. Unsettled. Oh, man. He was going to tell me he was going to go, wasn’t he?
He took a breath. “You ready to learn some tunes?”
“Tunes?” I echoed. Tunes? He really wasn’t going to acknowledge that I’d sort of almost asked him to go to my semi-formal dance with me? He was simply going to leave it hanging in the air like that?
“Yeah,” he said, his voice strained. “Today’s about learning the music, remember?”
I’d just asked him to my semi-formal, and he wanted to talk about music.
My life was over.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
Erin called me at eight thirty that night. She got right into it. “So? Did Les call?”
“No.
” I was lying on my bed, listening to JamieX. I should be practicing the songs for the band. Or doing my homework.
But I couldn’t. All I could think about was how awkward the entire practice had been with Rafe. He’d barely looked at me and he’d made sure not to touch me, even accidentally. It was horrible. I couldn’t believe I’d been stupid enough to blurt out that half-garbled, sort-of-invite, like a complete idiot.
“Good,” Erin said. “I think you should ask Rafe again to see if he can go to the semi with you. He’s so hot. MTV? Are you kidding? He’s going to become the next superstar! You think your parents will let you go on tour with him? I mean, that would be awesome. I could come visit you and—”
“I asked him. He can’t go.” Oh, boy, had I asked him. At least I didn’t need to lie about that, though I doubted that I’d ever come clean and admit that after I’d asked him, Rafe had acted like I’d turned into a leper-zombie freak trying to kill him. Yeah, that had gone well.
I sighed and propped my feet up on the wall beside my JamieX poster. Even JamieX wasn’t as cute as Rafe, and now I didn’t even have Rafe as a friend, let alone a boyfriend. It was kind of impressive how I’d managed to screw everything up so badly, actually.
“Wow,” Erin said. “That’s too bad. So, then it’s Les, huh?”
I sighed. “He hasn’t called.” So, big surprise there. He’d probably decided that even the fact I had a boyfriend couldn’t make me interesting enough to make him want to spend an entire evening with me.
“Oh, he’ll call. I was talking to Keith tonight, and he said Les couldn’t stop talking about you after the party. He loved your belly button ring. Said it rocked.”
I eyed my toes. I should redo them. Maybe black. Yes, black would be good. No cheerful colors for me tonight.
“Lily? Did you hear me? Les has the hots for you.”
“Yeah.” I didn’t have black toenail polish. Maybe if I combined blue, purple and green, it would make a muddy, vomitous brown that would match my mood. That might carry me over until I could buy some black.
The Fake Boyfriend Experiment Page 10
