by Noah Harris
“It felt like fire. Good fire, like a workout. Like sex.”
I smiled in agreement. I love shifting, it’s beautiful. Like burning up in the sun while having the perfect orgasm.
“Okay, so it doesn’t hurt. I thought that was coming but it didn’t.”
I shrugged at that. “It gets pretty intense, and some people say it hurts. But I love it.”
Question two. More nervous, this time. “I was adopted. From Texas?”
It took me a minute to realize what he was thinking, and then I tried to give him a wry smile. “Texas has roughly ten billion packs. I doubt very much we’re related.”
He nodded, appeased. We couldn’t look less related. He looks more like his adopted parents than I do my own dad. But it seemed like there was more there, so I waited for him to continue.
“I went to a hospital when I was little. Like a stay-overnight, mental hospital. I take these pills, hormones and…they taught me to meditate. I mean it was a whole thing.”
He laughed a bit then, I wasn’t sure what else to do. I smiled, encouragingly. Never showing pity.
“My dad was constantly talking to me about not being an animal, not giving into instincts, and...I thought he was talking about being gay, which…maybe it was that too, but maybe he just didn’t want me to go back to the nuthouse. Do you think that’s what that was?”
I nodded. Sad, but that’s clearly what it was. “Most of us don’t shift until puberty. So, you would have just appeared to act like a wolf a lot of the time, until they got that under control.”
“Feral children,” Alden nodded. “Those kids raised by wolves. I think…” he shook his head, clearly having tried and failed to get to those memories before. “Anyway. If they suspected I wasn’t out of the woods, I don’t guess they’d have been grooming me for politics. I guess whatever they did worked.”
“I mean, it worked insofar as you thought you were going insane and you’ve never had an intimate connection with another person, but…”
“I do okay. I am pretty popular...Oh! Is that part of it?”
I shrugged, going for nonchalant. “Yeah, that’s part of it. And some other things you’ll need to know. But let’s process this first. Ask your questions.”
“Do I turn into a wolf? Because that does not sound terrible.”
“Maybe. But no matter where you fall, you’ll have a couple of days around the full moon when you…do you remember that night with the oxygen? Or the moment right before you started wolfing out, up in the…?”
Up in the sky, right before Pippa walked in on us and started screaming for his murder, and everybody started to die. I winced, but he nodded, remembering it with a little pleasure.
“That wild feeling, that’s part of it,” watching him, waiting to see how that would hit him, I was astonished. He can always surprise me.
“Well,” he shook his head, smiling brightly. “Then that’s brilliant!”
My heart felt like it might burst. So much joy, so suddenly, in the middle of all this horror. Like a rose blooming out there in the stark white sands.
“Oh, I’m glad you said that. I love it too. A lot of people can’t handle it, or they feel ashamed, but I just think…it’s okay if it feels good, right? Why wouldn’t it?”
Alden’s eyes lost a little focus, as his body remembered the feeling in waves. He breathed, deeply, and then smiled again.
“Yeah. And the smelling thing, too. You can smell me, right?”
“I always know exactly where you are. All the way back to year one.”
Alden blushed, old infatuation brightening his cheeks.
“Me too,” he said, in quiet wonder. Then clapped his hands. “So, smelling, the sex thing…”
I unstrapped, following his lead, and we flowed back toward the middle. He seemed to comb the whole surface of me with his eyes, looking for signs of our strangeness. Intrigued.
“No real surprises, otherwise. Your senses are more acute in general. You’re stronger than you think. You’ll get better control of your emotions, except for the crazy times…those physical symptoms are a dead giveaway, obviously…”
“Yeah. About that…” after a moment, he continued. He seemed to feel silly, but also full of a certain need. “Can you…would you mind showing me again? Just so I’ll know.”
With hours to go until our loud, scary landfall, I wouldn’t really need a spacesuit that soon. So, I stepped out of mine and shifted for him. In the blue light of our compartment, it felt sexy. Almost forbidden.
Soft dark fur rippling along my thighs, and down my legs, as my calves and forearms strained and grew. The feeling of teeth grown too wide in my mouth, and the almost lusty relief when my muzzle extended to accommodate them. That sharp ting as my ears stretched out, pointing straight up, picking up a new world of sound. My eyes, so gold they almost shone.
His eyes widened, following my swelling muscles, my lengthening jaw. But it wasn’t fear, it was fascination. Which was a huge turn-on, after so many years of fear, worry and shame.
It feels like the most earth-shattering, soul-spilling yawn, at the end. A yawn to turn you inside out, with that boiling sound in your ears and mouth opening in a silent howl.
And then it was done. Naked in the blue light, in a form I’d always been ashamed of, no matter how good it felt. After a life of hiding, fearing, it felt so exposed. But when Alden Armstrong looked at me, I saw myself through his eyes.
And I wasn’t exposed, I wasn’t frightening or beastly. I was beautiful, and that’s all I ever had been.
“Orion,” I say, looking out over the moon and sky at the rising Earth. Remembering our flight from up there, down to here. Would the word always hurt? It hurt less now than it would have a day ago. And we’ll have to say it so many times, before this mission is over.
Orion III. Orion tragedy, Orion massacre. Orion failure. I can handle it, if he’s with me.
He joins me at the window, staring up at constellations that take on different shapes from this angle, rearranged from our youth, when we looked up here, from our separate painful childhoods, and wished for the moon.
“When I was little I thought Orion was like an Irish guy. Like you. O’Ryan.”
It makes me laugh. From what I’ve tried to piece together of young Alden, it checks out. Putting all the data available together and coming up with the most logical explanation. Even when he was too young to have much data to work with. Even when he was young enough he still felt a little like a wolf, all the time.
“Makes sense. We say…it’s a man using a dog to hunt, or hunting a wolf, like humans think. But it’s also a wolf leading a man. It’s both. They work together.”
“What happens when he catches up?”
It’s very intimate, and I find I need a little courage before I can look at him directly. His beauty, sometimes, is too bright.
“It’s easy for the wolf inside me to love the wolf inside you. And it’s very easy for the man inside me to want the man you are.”
Alden squints, trying to keep up. So far so good.
“But if were together, if we were mated…that means I have to be at peace with the wolf inside you. And he has to care about me. And vice versa. We have to love...all of each other, not just the parts that are easy.”
He grins for a moment, there’s a bit of humor behind it and I feel a cold shock. What if he thinks this is all stupid? What if I’ve mangled shifter culture for him too badly, after all this?
“That sounds right. I mean, it sounds insane, but I can feel what you mean. I can feel my wolf. And your wolf. And when you say we must love all of each other…that sounds perfect to me, Jules. I never would have had the audacity to wish for that.”
I pull him close, nodding against his chest. I want to use this moment of bravery and say it all. I know we only have a little bit of time left, before we have to leave this broken place and head to the colony. To end the story we’re writing and start a new one.
“I thought all thi
s was just legend and superstition, to keep omegas powerless. But I get it now, I think. And because I love you, I know you well enough to know what you’re thinking.”
He doesn’t quite pull away, but he can tell he won’t like it. He speaks so much with his body, his touch. It feels like we could never talk, and still know it all. Maybe even more.
“You think it’s going to just be a matter of thinking of the right words to say. That you need to convince me. And I’m telling you this, so you know that’s not it. When we know, we’ll definitely know. And it won’t be a debate. It won’t be words.”
Alden sighs. “I believe you. Even though it doesn’t make any sense to me right now. But there’s still a problem, Jules. Because I want to prove my love to you. I want you to know how much I love you. How deeply I trust you. And I can’t do that if you think I’m just trying to…”
I have to wipe my tears against his chest.
“That’s a perfect dream. I hear you. I just wanted you to know there’s no pressure. It’s not something we can do. It’s something that happens.”
By the tension in his arms around me, I can tell he’s not entirely buying it. But I can also feel, through and behind that, a peace settling into him that neither of us knew he was missing.
“I will let it go, Jules. I guess. But if I ask if you put a spell on me, it makes you mad. And if I say you didn’t put a spell on me, it makes you mad...”
That makes me laugh. He’s right. It must all seem so arbitrary. I can’t remember ever being this young to the world. It feels nice, like we’re creating a world for just the two of us.
“I’m not mad. I’m paralyzed by hope that this is as real as it feels.”
Alden holds me tighter still, vibrating with it. Trying to fill me up with comfort. I wonder if the safety I feel in his arms is something I’ll ever be able to take with me.
“Then I definitely know what’ll happen. Even if takes to the end of the world, you’ll see what I see.”
“One way or the other, it’s going to end soon.”
Alden was right. We were about an hour out from the hard landing, and the moon was almost all we could see. That brilliant white made the night blacker still.
“We’re either going to explode, or fortune smiles on us and we…”
“Julian?”
I kick off against the window, sailing backwards into his arms.
“Yes.”
His breath is hot against my ear, with unmistakable passion.
“Can I touch you? Just one time?”
I was out of my suit and practically crawling into his before either of us could take another breath. Wrapping legs around each other, hungry kisses burning up out of tenderness until all we were was aching, groaning need. Careening around the cabin, in a tangled gorgeous mess of thick thighs and clasped hands. My skin felt starved for his. Desperate to touch every part of him at once, to be as close as we could and then somehow closer than that.
Laughing down at our bodies’ excitement, hard and wet. Bright smiles and quiet gasps, as we explored each other. His thighs furious against my ears, squeezing with paroxysms of pleasure, impressed gasps as I found new spots. His tongue traveling all the way down my back one gentle kiss at a time, curving my back in ecstasy until I was bent double. A growling, laughing, glorious triumph.
Just once, before it ended. One way or the other.
10
Eclipse
Alden
I’m not sure if I’m just stalling because I don’t want to leave, or because I’m picking up Julian’s anxiety at me going. But for one reason or another, we keep finding ways to prolong my stay in our failing shelter, before I head out to find a roller to take us to the colony.
“There is one more thing. You and I are of…”
Julian bites his lip, feeling strange about the next bit, like any part of this is stranger than any other part! The things he chooses to worry about always seem so funny. I know it’s probably his baggage, making these parts awkward, but I can’t help finding it adorable.
“We’re different types. I’m what’s called an omega, and you’re known as an alpha.”
“Didn’t they debunk that whole thing?”
“Well, yes. In wolf packs. But it’s not…where I come from we say every soul has its partner. Alpha and omega. Remus and Romulus made us that way, two halves of something, so we never feel satisfied. Or else we wouldn’t fight, or change. Or fall in love. And so, in every lifetime, we go looking for each other. We find each other, and bond. And in the next life we get to find each other all over again.”
“That seems like an inefficient system,” I say, and I can feel one eyebrow quirking high.
“Love is an inefficient system,” Julian breathes, romantic and weary at the same time. It makes me roll onto my back with laughter.
“Gotcha. So…does that mean I’m your…Uh, ‘Alpha’?”
He looks away, cheeks turning red. We’ve hit a trouble spot again.
“I couldn’t say. I mean, I’ve felt you were since I first saw you. But that doesn’t necessarily mean anything. All you can know for sure is that out there, somewhere in the world, is the omega for you.”
He keeps underscoring this. Even up in the tin-can before we crashed, this idea that I had some better destiny ahead. “So, what’s the difference, then? What makes me an alpha?”
Full-on blushing, now. “It’s kind of complicated. You…get omegas pregnant. You father children.”
“Like female omegas?” I hate that. I love women, but I’m not interested in that kind of arrangement. I’ve only just found him.
“Sure. But uh, not necessarily.”
I have to give that one some thought. I can tell Julian’s getting worried. He can’t tell if I’m thinking hard or freaking out. But when I do get it, I rock forward, stabbing at the air like a genius about to deliver a theorem.
“So, you’re saying that you and I could…”
His hands are twisting and untwisting in his lap. His body shrinks away from even just the touch of my eyes.
“I always thought humans would have the most trouble with this part. I guess because everything is about men versus women for them, from the second they’re born.”
He gives me a look, apologetic for something, but he’s still so coy it’s practically evasive. What he’s talking about is every dream come true, and my whole body knows what he’s saying is true. All of a sudden, like a door opening up somewhere, the rushing heat of this new desire warms my face and hands, my groin.
“You could have a baby? You?” I laugh, but Julian just looks queasy.
“Why are you being so weird about this? Like your belly would…and your…”
“Yeah!”
He’s not trying to sound annoyed, but as he looks down at his body, I wonder if it’s just vanity. His trim waist, supple hips, those deep pectorals and lean arms. Is he worried about that? I wait for him to look up again, because then I’ll know he’s ready for an answer. I can feel my eyes gleaming as I drink it in. This newfound awe, when I look at his body that way.
“That sounds really nice.”
He looks bewildered, as though I’ve just spoken nonsense. “It does? It sounds nice?”
This time it’s me who looks away, with a wicked little grin. “It sounds fucking hot, actually. But yeah.”
Julian breathes all the way out. I can’t believe how stressed he was about this. “Well, okay. That’s the biggie. That’s kind of the showstopper.”
I’m on my hands and knees, jumpy, like a kid at Christmas. “Tell me more!”
He laughs, confused. Like that’s all there is.
“This is just everyday stuff to you, Julian! But to me…everything that confused me my whole life makes sense now. Everything you say unlocks a door in me that I never even knew was closed. Being in love with you was the right thing all along, the perfect answer. Just like I always thought.”
Julian’s jaw drops, eyes going wide and soft. His voice is
gentle and surprised.
“Always?”
Now it’s my turn to blush. He’s so shocked it’s a little disappointing. I want him to celebrate this with me, to be in this with me, and instead he just looks dazed. Shocked. It must show on my face, because he immediately shakes his head and smiles, sweetly. Go on.
“Well, the day I spotted you, Darius spotted you too. And he was gay, and you were clearly gay, so it would have just thrown everything off if I had any…interest. It would have broken his heart, first of all. Why you, not him? And it would have felt like stealing from him, too. Or like I had to have whatever he had, like a power move, or…”
Julian nods to all of this. Check, check, check, I can almost hear him saying.
“The part about Darius liking me is a little hard to hear,” Julian says carefully. “He’s so beautiful, and so scary. But I trust you. So why didn’t he just…he never even looked me in the eye, Alden!”
Alden snorts. “And you never looked me in the eye. And I never looked…anyone in the eye. That’s what we do. It’s cowardice.”
“But you caught me staring,” Julian says with a dawning horror. I laugh and reach out to slap at his knee.
“Yeah I did. Half the time I thought you were plotting my downfall, and the other half I felt like you knew all my secrets. Like maybe things I didn’t know, even. And that scared me, and it grossed me out, and I couldn’t stand being around you…”
“Very nice.”
“But I also only wanted to be around you. And Darius…before that, it was just me and him, all the time…”
“And he was in love with you.”
I nod, ashamed, but relieved, and grateful to have it out there.
“I couldn’t ever have said that on Earth, but yeah. I liked knowing I had somebody, owned a piece of somebody who would always have my back. It wasn’t about power, not really. More like, never being alone. Never getting lost.”
Julian nods, finding it way less nasty than I suddenly do. “You made him your beta. You weren’t shifters, really, but that’s what you did.”
