by J. L. Beck
I wake a few hours later, disoriented and feeling like I swallowed a handful of cotton. It only takes a second for me to realize where I am, and taking in Ava’s sleeping form beside me, I sink into the mattress for a moment.
Untangling myself from my sweet girl, who is laying on her stomach with the top of her bare ass exposed, I get out of bed reluctantly to get a drink of water. My cock stiffens as I pull on my underwear and dress slacks, just in case one of her roommates is here.
I’d hate to give someone a heart attack or show they didn’t want to see. I pad down the hall and into the kitchen, opening two cupboards before I find the glasses. Then, I fill the cup with water and walk into the small living room.
It’s crazy to think three girls live in this small apartment. There’s barely space in here for anything, and I know even with me not having much, I’d struggle to find places to put everything. I’m surprised it’s as clean as it is. My gaze swings around the room as I take it in. It’s tidy and homey looking, and when I sit, testing the couch out, my body sinks into the cushion easily.
It’s when I go to place my glass on the table that I notice a book—a baby book to be exact. My heart beats furiously against my rib cage as I pick it up, taking note of the sticky notes in a variety of colors that stick out the side of it.
Curiously, I open it, forcing myself to swallow down the fear coursing through my veins. It’s when I see the note resting between the pages on the page I opened that it’s written in Ava’s handwriting. It says due date on it, and reality sinks into every pore on my body.
I do the calculation in my head real quick, and the book slips from my hands, hitting the floor with a hard thud.
She can’t be pregnant, can she?
I think it through once more and wonder how the hell I’m going to bring this up to her without coming off as a dick or starting a fight.
Fear coats my belly, and I pick the book up, paging through it and reading all the little sticky notes she has posted.
Things like what to eat, when to go to your first appointment, when you find out the sex of the baby, and all the things you’ll need for a healthy first year of life.
When I finish, my head is spinning and the sun is peeking through the curtains in the living room. I realize then that I’ve spent the last few hours paging through a baby book, without fully knowing if Ava is actually pregnant or not. If she is, is it mine? The thought makes me feel like a first-class ass, but if it is, why wouldn’t she tell me?
The book is heavy in my hands, thanks to the news I’ve just discovered. When I hear footfalls down the hall, I jump from the couch guiltily and try to prepare myself. I want to be mad, and I am, but I also just want to know if she is or not.
“Ryker?” She gasps when she sees the expression on my face, confusion crossing her features until she notices the book in my hands.
“Are you pregnant?” I ask it straight out, refusing to beat around the bush. When her angelic face pales, I know it’s true.
I blink as air refuses to fill my lungs and think about what this means for her and me. A baby. A fucking baby?
“I… I wanted to tell you… I was going to tell you…” she stammers as tears fill her eyes, and when I look at them I don’t feel remorse for being angry with her. I don’t care that she “wanted to” and was “going to” tell me. She didn’t. All I want to know is why she tried to hide it.
“You were going to tell me?” My voice is deadly calm, and I’m hurt more than I ever have been before.
“Yes. I swear, Ryker, I was going to tell you. I just wanted you to want me for me first. I swear…” Ava’s voice is frantic, but I shake my head, unable to believe her, dropping the fucking book to the floor like it’s fire in my hands.
“You wanted me to want you for you?” I laugh, but it’s humorless. “I’ve wanted you since the first fucking day we met in that bar. A baby wouldn’t have changed that.” I’m furious, unable to stop my anger and disappointment rushing to the surface.
“It would have, Ryker, and I wanted things to be right when you found out. I wanted to tell you.” She pleads with me to understand, but I can’t. I can’t do this with her right now. I feel betrayed, lost, and all because the one person I want more than air itself doesn’t trust me enough to want her without a baby attached to us.
“I can’t do this right now. I’m so angry, so disappointed, and just fucking pissed.” I clench my fists, wanting to punch something, watching as the tears slip from her eyes and down her cheeks.
“Ryker.” There’s so much anguish in her voice as she says my name that it rips me apart to turn around and walk away from her, but I have to. Knowing she kept this a secret from me is shredding my heart. I’m bleeding on the floor in front of her, and I don’t even know why it hurts so much.
“Ryker, please, don’t leave. I’m sorry… I’m so sorry.” She’s sobbing now, and even though I want to go to her and comfort her, I don’t.
Instead, I walk to the door, open it, and walk out of the apartment before I do something stupid. Before I say something I don’t mean and can’t take back.
Ava means everything to me, but it fucking kills me that she didn’t trust me enough to tell me she was having my baby.
My heart sinks into my stomach and I fall to the floor, my body giving out on me as I watch the man I love leave my apartment. The tears fall from my eyes as every horrible thought known to mankind invades me.
Does this mean he’s done with me? That he doesn’t want me or the baby? The thoughts make me cry harder, and before I can stop myself, I’m sobbing uncontrollably, the tears making it hard to see and even harder to breathe. My chest constricts with every breath I take. I’m gasping for air, gasping for Ryker.
“Ava?” Gabby’s voice rings throughout the room, and I pull my knees to my chest, wanting to hide the pain I’m feeling.
“Is everything okay out here?” Marie appears a second later. Her presence reminds me of the secrets that she’s hiding, and I cry harder, my head resting against my knees. I just want to crawl into a ball and hide away.
“What happened, Ava?” Gabby must finally notice me sitting on the floor because I feel her hands on my shoulders, forcing me to look up at her, even though I don’t want to.
“He left… Ryker found out about the baby…and he left….” I can barely get the words out. My lungs burn and my eyes ache as I blink away the tears, trying to look at Gabby who’s still gripping me by the shoulders.
“What do you mean he left? And how did he find out about the baby?” Gabby questions. I shake my head, swallowing down the sob that wants to escape me.
“He found the baby book, and he just… I didn’t mean to hide it from him. I was going to tell him, Gabby. I was.” I need someone to understand, to know I wasn’t trying to deceive him. All I wanted was for us to get to know each other, for him to maybe fall in love with me…not me and a baby. Now everything is ruined, and I don’t know where to go from here.
What if he really is done, and doesn’t want me or the baby anymore? I can’t fathom being the reason he never comes back. How will I ever explain that to our child? My panic rises again, and I feel like I’m going to pass out.
“Hey, Ava. Slow down, take a breath, and tell us what happened,” Marie starts, sinking to the floor on the other side of me.
Having both my best friends holding me up helps more than I can even put into words, and I suck fresh air into my lungs before I start, trying to calm myself long enough to actually get the words out.
“Everything was so perfect last night,” I tell them, looking back and forth between them. Gabby wraps an arm around me, pulling me into her side to give me strength, while Marie takes one of my shaking hands in hers. “Okay, maybe it wasn’t perfect the whole time, but by the end? I really thought he felt the same way I did. I still do. We fell asleep wrapped around one another, and then this morning…” My voice breaks and I have to stop. I’m not sure I can do this. I don’t know if I can tell them j
ust what an idiot I am.
Marie rubs my hand between hers, trying to warm my cold-as-ice fingers. It’s comforting, but I still struggle to get the words past the lump in my throat. “This morning, I woke up and the sheets were cold. I thought I imagined it all, that he left after I fell asleep and regretted what happened. He was rough, more rough than he was the other times, and all I could think was maybe he was ashamed or something.”
Gabby nods in agreement, humming under her breath and tightening her hold on me. I let my body relax into hers and rest my head on her shoulder as I watch this morning playout in my head like a movie while I retell them what happened.
“I came out into the living room, and he was just sitting here. He looked shell-shocked, and so, so angry. As soon as I saw the baby book in his hand, I knew he knew, and in that moment, I was convinced everything was over, and I was right.” I can feel the tears sting my eyes again, and I try my hardest to blink them away.
“Oh, Ava,” Gabby sighs. “I told you that you needed to tell him. No matter what was going on with the two of you, he’s this” –she puts her hand over my still flat stomach— “baby’s father. I get that you wanted him to love you first, but the two of you went about everything so ass-backwards. Maybe if you give him a little time to cool off the two of you can talk it out. Right now, he’s probably in shock, and I can guarantee that he’s pissed that you kept something that big from him. My advice is to just give him a little time. If he cares about you as much as I think he does then he’ll be back.”
Maybe she’s right, but right now, I can’t see past the fury and pain on his face when he realized I was pregnant and hadn’t told him. How do we come back from that? He thinks I betrayed him. I can’t imagine what he’s thinking right now, or how he feels.
I want to go to him and tell him how sorry I am for everything.
“I don’t know, Gabby. The only thing I’m sure of right now is that I’m a horrible person for keeping this from him.”
Marie snorts, and Gabby and I both turn our attention to her. “Ava, the last thing you are is a horrible person. That asshole doesn’t deserve you or that baby. None of the Winstons deserve to be happy.” The edge to her voice is sharp enough to cut someone straight down the middle. This isn’t the first time she’s said something like this, and my curiosity gets the best of me. Wanting to know what her deal is trumps how awful I feel right now.
“What are you talking about, Marie?” Gabby asks before I can. “You’ve been bitching about them since Ava started working there and figured out he’s the one she slept with.”
I can feel the question burning against my lips and part of me doesn’t even want to ask, but I can’t help myself. “Did you sleep with Ryker?”
Marie’s face screws up in disgust. “God no. That’s disgusting.”
Her words are like a slap in the face, considering I obviously did, but the memory of Reed’s face when he heard her name last night comes back to me, and I know whatever is wrong or going with her has something to do with him, not Ryker. “Was it Reed? Is that why he reacted the way he did last night?” I ask, determined to get the answer I’m seeking.
She looks at me out of the corner of her eye and glares. “I haven’t screwed any of the Winston brothers, and I never will.”
Her anger drains out of her right before my eyes and her shoulders slump in defeat. “Look, I didn’t want to tell you. Especially not after you told me you slept with him.” She takes a deep breath, like she’s about to tell us something horrible, and both Gabby and I lean closer to hear her quiet words.
“My mom… She had an affair with Clark Winston.” The air in the room seems to evaporate, and I wonder if I heard her correctly.
Her admission causes Gabby and me both to gasp in shock. “Oh my God! When?” I immediately regret asking the question because Marie’s face pales further.
“About nine months before I was born.”
This time, Gabby’s the one who asks a question, because I know my mouth is hanging wide open in shock. “Holy shit. You mean…they’re your brothers?” Marie nods, and when she doesn’t explain further, Gabby prompts her. “How? I mean, I know how, but how?”
Marie smiles a little at her question, but that only confuses us further because it makes absolutely no sense for her to be smiling right now.
“From what my mom told me, Clark and his wife had some problems after Ryker was born. He was working too much and his wife didn’t like it. She wanted him home to help with the kids, and when he ignored her one too many times, she set a suitcase outside the door with the information for a hotel room she got him. The note she wrote told him that she was done being a single parent who was married, and if he wanted to commit to work instead of his family, he was welcome to it.”
I kinda have a girl crush on Ryker’s mom right now. “Go, Mrs. Winston. I mean, it sucks for him that she kicked him out, but from the sound of it, he deserved it.”
“Yeah, he did,” Marie agrees with a snicker. “Anyway, the hotel she got him a room at was one my mom ended up staying at for a conference when she was still living in New York. They met at the bar and were both drinking.” She looks at me as she says this, and I can’t believe Ryker’s and my situation is so similar. He was miserable and drinking the night we met too.
“After talking for a bit, she got up the courage to invite him up to her room, and he said yes. It was just a fling. They were only together for the week she was at the hotel, and afterward she went home and eventually he went back to his wife and begged forgiveness. She took him back, and a couple months later, my mom went back to the hotel looking for him. There was a clerk there who took pity on her and gave her his name when she described him and told her what room he was staying in. Mom looked him up, went over to his house, and saw him playing outside with Reed while Mrs. Winston was cooing over Ryker. She decided then not to ever tell him about me, and that was the gist of it…at least it was for many years.”
I can’t believe any of this. What are the odds I’d end up being besties with the half-sister Ryker doesn’t even know he has? It’s crazy.
“Did she ever tell him?” Gabby’s listening to Marie’s story with rapt attention, like it’s the most interesting thing ever, which it kind of is.
Marie grimaces but nods. “Yeah. When I was three, she was transferred here to Chicago, and she thought it was a sign, you know? She made an appointment to see him under a different name, like she was James Bond or some shit, but when she was waiting in the lobby, Mrs. Winston came in with all three boys. She realized Remy was close to my age, and she was hurt all over again that he went back to his wife so fast, so she didn’t say anything because she wanted to punish him. Why she thought him not knowing something was a punishment, I don’t know, since…he didn’t know he was being punished.” She rolls her eyes at her mom’s choices, but I can understand where she’s coming from. He might not have known, but she did. She was hurt by the loss of never having a father.
“When Mrs. Winston died, my mom felt so much guilt. It was like she knew not telling him was wrong and didn’t want to keep it from him any longer. But she still didn’t tell him. It took her so long to get up the nerve, and when she finally did, he was already sick and keeping it from the boys. He was so shocked to find out about me, she said, but he asked to meet me. I didn’t know that until after he died.”
“But, Marie, that doesn’t explain why you hate them so much. Reed, Ryker, and Remy didn’t do anything to you. They probably don’t even know about you.”
Her mouth twists in anger. “Yeah, they do. I got a letter in the mail about a week after Clark died. In it, he told me that he left letters for all the boys, too, letting them know about me with the hopes they would come find me. He didn’t want me to be blindsided, I guess. But none of them have said anything to me. Until I saw Reed’s reaction last night, I could tell myself they don’t know. But now that I know they do? They can all kiss my ass. I’ve gone this long without siblings. I don’t nee
d any now.”
Like she’s unable to sit still any longer, she unfolds her tall body and stands, pacing back and forth in front of us. “You know the worst part?” Gabby and I both shake our heads. “I went to his funeral. I didn’t even know he died until I saw it in the paper. Not that I was listed as one of children or anything. I didn’t know if I was going to say something to them, but watching the three of them at the funeral, the way Ryker stayed separate from the other two, I figured they weren’t that close and I wasn’t missing out. I wouldn’t have said anything that day, at least I don’t think I would’ve, but seeing what an asshole he was to his brothers made me not want any part of them. This bullshit with you just confirms how right I was to have those feelings.”
Her confession has me reeling. She’s Ryker’s sister. I stare up at her in shock when it clicks. “Marie.” She turns to look at me, and I stand, gripping her by the hands and tell her, “You’re really going to be this baby’s aunt. Not just an honorary one…but a real aunt.”
She grins at me. “I guess I am. Well, at least I can say one good thing will come out of being related to those jerks.”
I smile back at her, but it falls after a few seconds. “Mar…” I don’t know how to say this to her, so I just blurt it out. “You know I have to tell him. I’ve kept enough secrets from Ryker already. I can’t keep this one too.”
Her smile dims, but she nods. “I know. I’m telling you though, they already know. You’re not going to be shocking him or telling him something new.” She pauses for a moment. “But, maybe if you go right now and tell him what I’ve told you, it will help him forgive you for the other secrets you’ve kept. Maybe he’ll see how much you do care and it will help.”
“Maybe,” I murmur, but I’m not sure I believe it. I can’t afford to believe it. I just know he needs to know this, and no matter what Marie says, I don’t think he does. Maybe Reed does, but Ryker and Remy didn’t react to her name at all. Telling her this is pointless though. She’s convinced herself they all know and don’t want anything to do with her. I know she says she doesn’t want anything to do with them, but she wouldn’t be so angry if that was really true.
