by L A Cotton
“This is amazing,” I said, letting my eyes run over the interior. The store was split-level, with the coffee shop on the ground floor. The entire back wall was floor to ceiling bookshelves, and then there was a mezzanine level that housed even more. Its walls were a mishmash of literary quotes and artwork. A true book lover’s paradise.
“Right?” Josie smiled, far more interested in the display cabinet full of mouthwatering muffins and pastries.
“I think I just found my new hangout,” I said.
“Sybil, the owner, opens late Thursday thru Monday.”
I made a mental note. The library at SU was well equipped and study worthy, but this was... this was something else. For the first time since arriving here, I felt a seed of excitement blossom in my chest.
“Where’s the bathroom?” I asked Josie. She pointed to the spiral staircase. “Take the stairs, then go down the hall to the end, it’s the second door on the left. I’ll order, so what do you want?”
“I’ll take a latte and a muffin, please.”
“Flavor?”
“Surprise me.”
I quickly made my way upstairs, and into the women’s bathroom. It was just as quirky as the shop, littered with ornaments and trinkets paying homage to the literary greats of the past and present. A white rabbit soap dispenser. Golden snitch door handles. It was like an Aladdin’s Cave of bookish treasures; somewhere I could have easily spent hours secreted away. But Josie was waiting, and I was trying not to hide.
After I was done, I washed my hands, and made my way back into the hall. I was so intrigued by the postcards hanging from the wall depicting the story of Moby Dick, that I didn’t see the person heading this way before it was too late.
“Watch it,” a gruff voice said.
“Z- Zach?”
“So it is you,” he snarled the words, his displeasure at seeing me dripping from his pores. “I thought I must have been seeing things last night.”
Heat bloomed in my cheeks as I craned my neck to look at him. He was taller, much taller than my five six. His face was all sharp angles and dark eyes. Eyes that made me want to disappear.
Memories flooded me. Him. Me... Us. Stolen touches and clumsy kisses in the dark.
“Listen,” I swallowed hard, “I just wanted to say how sorry I am. I didn’t know... about Dec—”
“Don’t.” He grabbed my arm and yanked me into an alcove, the venom in his voice stealing the air from my lungs.
“What the—” I was so taken aback by his manhandling of me that the words died in my throat. That and the hostility radiating from him, as I stared up at his icy expression.
He was here.
Zach was here, staring at me with so much anger, I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me whole.
“I’m truly am sorry, Zach,” I said, needing to fill the heavy silence.
He scoffed. “You shouldn’t have come here, sweet pea.”
God, that name.
It had once been spoken with so much love and adoration. But now he spat it at me like it didn’t deserve his breath.
“I- I didn’t know you would—”
“You think I give a shit about you being here?” His eyes turned even darker, burning with anger. The intensity in his icy glare seared my bones, scorching my soul.
Zachary Messiah hated me. I just didn’t know why.
“I should go,” I rushed out, desperate to get away from him. I couldn’t breathe, not with him looking at me like that.
Like I was a bug he wanted to step on.
He moved aside, letting me past, but he grabbed my wrist roughly at the last second, holding me in place. “If you know what is good for you, Calli,” his teeth ground together, “you’ll stay out of my way.”
We didn’t stay long after that. I thanked Josie for the latte and muffin and made my excuses. I couldn’t sit there, knowing Zach was in the building. He’d been so… so angry.
“Are you sure you’re okay?” Josie asked for the third time since we left Muds.
“I’m fine.” I gave her a polite nod. I wasn’t.
I could still feel his fingers digging into my arm as he’d yanked me into the alcove. My Zach, the boy I’d once loved with all my heart, would never have done something so callous.
But he’s not the boy you knew anymore.
Ignoring the little voice, I hitched my bag up my shoulder. “What do you have planned for the rest of the day?”
“I promised I’d go meet Joel later. You should come—”
“Actually, I think I’m going to head back to my dorm and catch up on some reading.”
Josie’s expression fell. “Are you sure?”
“Yeah. But perhaps we can hang out later?”
“I’d like that. See you later then?”
I offered her a small nod, and Josie took off toward Joel’s house while I took the path leading past fraternity row to the dorms. I didn’t expect to see Callum, but the second I did, anger unfurled inside me.
How dare he keep me a secret.
Without thinking, I marched up to him.
“C- Calli?” His eyes grew to saucers. “What are you—”
“Doing here?” I snapped. “I go here remember? Or did it skip your mind?”
“I didn’t… fuck…” He ran a hand down his face, letting out an exasperated sigh. “You’re pissed.”
“Pissed? I’m not pissed, Callum, I’m… ugh! You are so frustrating.” My voice cracked. “I didn’t come here expecting us to be best friends or anything, but you didn’t tell a soul about me. Why?”
He shrugged, but I saw the flash of emotion in his eyes. “Who was I going to tell? It’s not like we’ll be hanging out or anything.”
Even after all this time, I couldn’t believe how clueless Callum was; how oblivious he was to the way his words cut deep.
“Of course not. God forbid we actually had any kind of relationship.”
“Look, Calli,” he released a long, steady breath, his eyes darting around me, “I can’t do this, not right now.”
“You can’t do this?” I jabbed my finger at him. “Try being in my shoes. I get here… after Mom…” The word lodged in my throat. “Only to find out that my brother hasn’t told his teammates about me.”
“Teammates? How do you—”
“And Declan? Were you ever going to tell me about that, huh?” My voice was shrill now, laced with pain.
“Declan? What does he have to do with anything?”
“I saw Zach.”
“I see.” His jaw clenched. “Well, I didn’t think you needed to know.”
“What is wrong with you? I know we’re not close, but I’m still your sister, Callum.” The words echoed around my skull. “I thought that might count for something.”
“I…” He hesitated, and it was enough for the little girl inside me to cling to the hope that Callum wanted to fix our broken relationship. His whiskey eyes—eyes we shared—darted to the ground as he rubbed the back of his neck. When he lifted his gaze again, I waited, hoping he might say something, anything, to fix this mess. But his silence was deafening.
“God, you are so frustrating,” I sniped, feeling my control slip. He was just standing there, acting so goddamn indifferent when I was barely holding myself together.
Inhaling a ragged breath, I forced myself to calm down. Yelling at him wasn’t getting anywhere, and it was only making me upset. Tears were already burning the backs of my eyes.
“I’m here, Callum. I go here now. We can’t just pretend it’s not happening.”
He stared at me, looked right through me, and said thirteen little words that gutted me.
“I’m not pretending. I just have bigger things to worry about right now.”
Zach
She’d whimpered.
Calli had actually whimpered before flying down the stairs and disappearing into the stacks.
I couldn’t get the image out of my head as I sat and listened to Victoria go on about some sorority
mixer she was planning. I didn’t want to be here, but Vic had asked me to come, and more and more, I found myself unable to say no to her. She was my brother’s girl, and she was fucking lost. Much like myself.
We’d struck up an odd friendship before the summer. My parents had invited her over, and I’d stumbled across them all sitting around crying into their drinks. I’d taken one look at Victoria and asked her if she wanted to get some air. Air led to more drinking... and that led to a lot of anger... and maybe some destruction of private property. To this day, my old man still thought a bunch of kids snuck in our yard and ruined his beloved fire pit.
Fuck.
The anger in my veins had reached boiling point, and I found it hard to concentrate on anything she was saying.
How dare Calli stand there and act all high and mighty, trying to offer me sympathy?
Calliope James.
My sweet pea.
Fuck, I shouldn’t have called her that, but it just rolled off my tongue as if my brain hadn’t got the memo that she wasn’t my Calli anymore.
It didn’t mean the same thing it used to though.
Not anymore.
We weren’t those people to each other now.
We weren’t anything to each other.
“Are you listening to a word I say?” Victoria asked. “I’m starting to think I’m boring you.” She smiled, tucking a strand of her glossy red hair behind her ear.
“I’m just feeling the pressure.” I dismissed her, motioning to her empty glass. “You want another one?”
“Okay, another skinny latte please.”
“I know your order, Vic.” She never veered from her regular.
“Silly me.” She chuckled, batting her long lashes at me.
With a small shake of my head, I joined the line, trying my best not to let my eyes wander to where Calli sat with Josie Molineux. Of course she had to befriend the one girl at SU who had a direct link to the team. As if the universe hadn’t ass fucked me enough already.
A couple of girls behind me began whispering.
“That’s him... Zachary Messiah.”
“So tragic. But word has it, he’s even better than his brother.”
“I know, but surely it’s like a curse or something. I heard his parents and the school made some whack deal to let him transfer.”
“So freak—”
I glanced back, quirking a brow and they instantly swallowed whatever shit was about to roll off their tongues.
It wasn’t anything I hadn’t heard ten times already. Hell, even the guys liked to gossip like little bitches in the locker room, but it didn’t make it any easier to hear.
Finally, I reached the front of the line and ordered. I dropped the change in the tip jar and collected our tray. The second I turned around searching for Vic, my eyes locked on Calli. She was deep in conversation with Josie, the two of them laughing.
But I saw the cracks. The smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes. The shadow over her expression. When you knew someone as well as I’d once known Calli, you saw past the mask they wore for the world to see.
“Zach,” Vic said, catching my attention right as Calli looked up.
Our eyes collided and everything slowed down until I could hear the roar of blood between my ears. I narrowed my eyes, scowling, forcing her to look away first.
“Who is that girl?” Vic asked as I sat down. Thankfully, she’d chosen a table near the bookshelves, away from Calli.
“Who?”
“The girl you were just staring at.”
“Oh, uh, you mean Joel’s sister?”
“Josie? I thought she looked familiar.”
I fought the urge to groan. Victoria knew exactly who Josie was, but she liked to think of herself as the Queen Bee of the baller girls: the girlfriends, sisters, and friends-with-benefits. Or, at least, she had until the accident.
Now her position was tenuous at best. Part of me wondered if that’s why she clung to our fragile friendship… because I was on the team. Because my name brought me a certain level of status around campus.
“Who’s her friend?”
I shrugged. “Fucked if I know.”
“Jesus, someone’s got a giant stick up his ass.” Vic settled back in her chair and sipped her latte. I clocked a couple of guys watching her, but it wasn’t an uncommon occurrence. Victoria turned heads wherever she went. She was all soft curves, long silky hair, and a heart shaped face worthy of the runway. I’d heard from my brother once that she wanted to be a model. I didn’t know firsthand, because I hadn’t asked.
“I’m going to the facility soon. Your mom asked me to go with her.”
“And you said yes?” Irritation zipped up my spine.
“I know,” she let out a sigh, “but it’s your mom and she got so upset, Zach. I didn’t want to—”
“Yeah, whatever.”
“Come on.” She reached over and grabbed my hand. Her touch wasn’t supposed to comfort me, but I couldn’t deny that her touch always felt good. “Don’t be like that.” Victoria pouted, kicking my leg under the table.
“They just make me so fucking angry.” A black cloud descended over me, making my chest tighten.
“How about we go out tonight to that awful little bar downtown? We can get drunk and make fools of ourselves on karaoke.”
“If I remember correctly, I think it was you making a fool of yourself.”
“You loved it.”
“It was pretty fucking hilarious.” She’d serenaded a bunch of old men and me with an out of tune rendition of Stand By Your Man, it was depressingly fitting.
“Yeah, maybe. Although after last night, I might just hole up at the apartment and chill.”
“I can bring pizza and a six pack, if you want company?” Her eyes glittered with something... something I wasn’t sure I wanted to acknowledge.
She was Declan’s girl, completely off-limits. But Vic made it easy. She made all the background noise disappear. And maybe fucking her would temper some of the rage festering inside me. Declan and my parents had taken so much from me, maybe it was my turn to take something from them.
Something caught my eye.
Calli.
She and Josie were leaving.
“Zach?” Victoria’s voice yanked me from my thoughts.
“Sorry.”
“Are you okay, really?” Her expression fell.
“I’m good.”
Because what other choice was there?
When we left Muds, Victoria headed for the gym, and I headed home. But just as I was walking past the Delta Pi frat house, I saw her again.
Calli.
It was like the universe was determined to fuck with me. I didn’t want to snoop, and I didn’t want to be caught watching Calli and her brother argue, but I couldn’t stop myself. She was all up in his face, wagging her finger and pinning him with a hard look. Callum looked as awkward as fuck, standing there as rigid as a post while his sister chewed him out. But when he finally spoke, Calli cried out. She actually let out a cry of frustration.
And my dick... my dick stirred to life.
How fucking poetic.
My dick could no longer distinguish a cry of pleasure from a cry of anger.
Or maybe you just want to hurt her.
That was a given.
Calli stormed off and Callum stood there, dragging a hand down his face.
“Problem?” I finally revealed myself.
“Fuck,” he hissed. “How much of that did you hear?”
“Apart from Calli’s nice vocals at the end there... nothing.”
“She’s pissed at me.”
“When isn’t she?”
“True.” Callum gave me a strained smile. We weren’t friends. Teammates, maybe, but never friends. He was best friends with my brother though, the two of them riding the highs and lows of life at SU together before Declan’s accident, before I arrived here.
“You never said she was enrolling here.” I regretted the words the s
econd they were out of my mouth. Callum’s eyes narrowed with suspicion.
“Didn’t know it mattered,” he said, coolly.
“It doesn’t.” My shoulders lifted in a dismissive shrug. “But she seemed pretty shocked to see me last night.”
“Last night?”
“Yeah, at the party. She turned up with Joel’s sister.” Callum hadn’t been there. He’d retreated into himself after Declan’s accident, and the guys were giving him some space.
“She’s friends with Josie?” he groaned. “Fuck, that’s all I need.”
“So that was the plan, huh? Dodge her for the entire year?”
“Something like that. She hates basketball. There was no reason for our paths to ever cross.”
“Dude, you’re her brother.” And this was SU, a basketball college.
“Yeah, and she hates me for it.” Callum’s eyes flicked over in the direction of where Calli had disappeared.
“Whatever. I didn’t come over for a trip down memory lane.”
“So why did you come over?” His brow lifted.
“You know what, Cal, fuck you. I’ve tried to be a decent human and—”
“Yeah,” he exhaled a long breath, “I know. I’m sorry, okay? I guess I’m just feeling it. It’s senior year, and Declan is...” He swallowed hard. “And I’ve got my old man breathing down my neck about what happens after graduation. It’s a lot.”
“You don’t need to tell me,” I ground out. I wasn’t a senior, but I easily outmatched him where over-involved parents were concerned.
“Shit, yeah. I’m sorry. How is... everything?”
“How do you think?”
Tension swirled around us, thick and heavy with the ghosts of our past and the nightmares of our present.
I’d lost my brother.
He’d lost his best friend.
But I knew it meant something different for him, something more. Because me and Declan might have shared DNA, but we’d never been particularly close.
“Have you been to see him recently?” I asked.
“I can’t...” He scrubbed his face. “Makes me a pussy, right?”
“Nah, I get it.” Understanding passed between us. “I should probably...”
