by L A Cotton
“You were scared.”
“Fuck yeah. I was scared.” Sex changed things. Even at the tender age of sixteen, I knew that. And I didn’t want to do anything to mess up our friendship. “I wanted her to be one hundred percent sure,” I said, “so we waited.”
“Until you didn’t?” He gave me a knowing glance.
“Why do I feel like you’re in my head?”
“I have two younger sisters. I know shit. Not to mention the fact, I’ve been where you are. Trying to fight the inevitable. Because that’s the thing about love, Messiah. Once you meet the right girl, boom... there’s no escaping it.”
“We were just kids.”
“Yet here we are. She’s under your skin, man. After all this time, she’s still there. It wasn’t just some high school crush. It was real.”
“She betrayed me.”
“Did she? Or did something happen, and you did what most guys do and run scared? The best defense is a—”
“Good offense,” I muttered.
My old man loved that saying.
Maverick’s words reverberated deep inside me as I let the painful memories flood my mind. He wasn’t right though, he couldn’t be.
Calli had betrayed me... I’d heard it with my own ears.
As my life had started to crumble down around me, the one girl I’d thought I could trust to always be there, had let me down.
“Zach?” Maverick frowned.
I ran a hand down my face, letting out a weary sigh. “Junior year we made it official. She was my girl. I was so fucking relieved. I can still remember walking into school the first day of the semester. I didn’t care that I was Declan Messiah’s younger brother.”
Because Calli made me feel worth something. She made me feel like I could do anything, be anything.
My chest tightened as I flicked my eyes back up to the dorm building. Was she up there, thinking of me the way I was thinking of her?
No.
She’d walked away.
I’d tried to talk to her, and she’d fucking walked away from me. Again.
My fist clenched against my thigh.
Maverick noticed. “You need to learn to harness that,” he said without judgment. “Anger like you’re carrying around, it isn’t good for the soul.”
I barked a laugh. “Seriously, what are you now, my shrink?”
“A friend,” he replied. “I’m a friend. And I’m going to give you a solid piece of advice. Don’t let her slip through your fingers. So she hurt you back when you were kids, get the fuck over it. You were kids. Kids are supposed to mess up. It’s not your mistakes that define you, Zach, it’s how you deal with the consequences.”
“It’s late, we should probably go.” I stood, done with this conversation, and he followed me up.
“You can avoid me, but you can’t avoid facing all the unresolved crap—”
“Yeah, yeah, Dr Phil, I got it.”
He chuckled, clapping me on the back. “You’re a good kid, Messiah, you’ll figure it out.”
“Hey, less of the kid, I’m twenty.”
Fuck.
Twenty.
And I was still bending to the will of my father because it was easier than stepping out on my own two feet.
“Promise me you’ll call if things get too heavy?” Maverick said.
I managed a nod, but I knew I wouldn’t call him. I wasn’t that guy; one to sit around and talk about my feelings. Besides, I’d lived with my anger for too long to just let it go. In some ways, it had always lived inside me. Every time my dad praised my brother or compared us. All the times he’d yelled that he wished I could be more like Declan. I always came off worse than him. I was too disinterested, too unmotivated, too awkward. He’d never stopped to consider that I had different interests. That maybe I didn’t fit the Messiah mold, and that was that.
We reached the frat house and Maverick slowed to a stop. “I never did like this place,” he said, staring up at the imposing building.
“Yeah, it’s not my thing either.”
“No, but I promised the guys I’d stop by before heading back to the hotel. Do you want to—”
“I’m done,” I said. The only thing I wanted was to retreat to my apartment and forget this night ever happened.
“Okay.” He held out his fist and I bumped it with my own. “It was good to see you, Zach. I’ll see you at the exhibition game.”
“Damn right. I’ll be the one running circles around you.”
Maverick exploded with laughter, chuckling into the night. “I’ll look forward to it,” he said, amusement still twinkling in his eyes. “Now get the hell out of here.”
I didn’t need telling twice.
The next morning, I was down at the court with the guys. I had planned on bailing on them, but when I woke up a tight ball of tension, I decided to go work it off.
“Hey, man. You okay?” Brad jogged over to me. They were already warming up. “That looks nasty.” He motioned to the ugly bruise around my eye.
“I’ll live.”
“You and Callum—”
I let out a frustrated breath. “It’s too early for this, Brad.”
“Yeah, my bad.” He clapped me on the back. “It’s good to see you though. The guys are pumped after last night.”
I dumped my water bottle and cell phone over with the guys stuff and started warming up. Brad hovered though.
“What?” I barked
“Did you see her?”
My brows crinkled as I stretched out my calves and quads.
“Calli, I mean.” He glanced around to make sure we were alone. “Josie said—”
“You’re playing a dangerous game. You saw what happened with me and Callum last night,” I gritted out. “What do you think will happen when Joel finds out? He’s not going to welcome you into the family with open arms... he’s going to be pissed.”
“It’s not like that, we’re just... fuck. Do you really think he’ll be that upset?”
“You know he will. Look at how he walked away from Calli.” I was still pissed about that.
“You know it wasn’t just the team rules that made him walk away, Zach. He liked her, a lot, and she lie—”
“She didn’t lie, she just omitted the truth.” Shit. Why was I defending her? “Come on.” I shoulder checked him. “We should go play.”
The others were already in position, watching me and Brad with mild curiosity. They had all been there last night, they’d seen me and Callum go at it... over Calli. They knew some of our history.
But no one said anything. It might have had something to do with the angry storm cloud hanging over me.
They were watching me, waiting for me to assume my role as leader. To step into my brother’s place and become their captain, their number one. It still felt wrong. I didn’t want it. I didn’t want to be here, pretending to care. Pretending to want this.
I didn’t fucking want it.
My fists clenched and unclenched at my sides. Declan was hanging onto life by a thread, and I still wasn’t free of his shadow. If anything, I was bound to it more now than ever.
“Let’s go, Messiah,” someone yelled, and I jerked out of my reverie.
I might not have wanted it, but I was good at it. They were right, basketball was a part of me, woven into the very fabric of my DNA. I was shackled to it and it to me.
Before I could overthink it, I beckoned the guys in. Because no matter how much I didn’t want this, I had it, and the need to prove myself wouldn’t let me walk away.
“Okay, the exhibition game is only a week out. I know it’s for charity, but everyone will be looking to us to win.”
The guys all nodded, mumbling their approval as I cradled the ball in my hand, feeling its weight, the same way I felt the weight of responsibility press down on my chest.
“This game could set the tone of the entire season. We don’t go out there to goof around, we go out there to win. I know it’s been a tough year.” The knot in my s
tomach tightened. “I know you didn’t ask for me to show up, but I’m here now and I’m not going anywhere. Last night wasn’t about the team, and that shit should have never happened.”
I made sure to lock eyes with Saul. He gave me a sharp nod. “Last year, you missed out on the championship, but this year, it’s ours. As long as we work together and stay strong.”
“Hell yeah,” Dev hollered, and everyone snickered.
“Official practice starts soon. We show up, do the work, and push hard. Anyone got a problem with that?”
Silence greeted me as I ran my eyes over each of my teammates. Callum wasn’t here, neither were the couple of other senior players. It was as if they’d already given up, handed me the gavel and walked away. Except, they hadn’t handed me anything. Coach Baxter and my father had. They’d manipulated my place here, giving the guys no choice but to fall in line.
“Okay, then let’s shoot some hoops.” I bounced the ball and backed up to the center line.
Brad caught my eye and gave me a reassuring nod. He knew why I’d done what I’d done. After last night, I needed to show the team I had control, that I was in control. Callum was a senior player, my brother’s best friend. But I wasn’t about to cower at James’ feet. He had his own demons, his own mistakes to right. Maybe I should have felt a little weirded out by the way I’d stood up for Calli, but the truth was, I didn’t.
I felt a shit ton of guilt over how things had gone down between us since she arrived at SU.
But I didn’t know how to fix it—if I should even try to fix it.
She’d made it obvious she didn’t want to have anything more to do with me, and I couldn’t blame her. But things still felt unresolved. And I couldn’t help thinking back to Maverick’s words last night about avoiding my past.
Because I knew he was right, I knew the past would come around and bite me in the ass one day.
It already had.
Monday morning, Coach Baxter called me into his office.
I didn’t expect to find Callum there too.
“Take a seat, son,” he said coolly.
“What’s up, Coach?”
“Want to tell me what the fuck happened Friday night?”
I smothered a groan. I should have known someone would spill the beans to him.
“Callum?” He pinned the quiet guy beside me with a hard look.
“It was a misunderstanding, Coach.”
“A misunderstanding?” His lip twisted with disapproval. “Zach, what do you have to say for yourself?”
“We were just goofing around, Coach. It got out of hand.”
“Goofing around he says.” Coach whipped off his Scorpion ball cap and ran a hand through his salt and pepper hair. “Do you think I’m an idiot? You both come in here looking like you went ten rounds with Rocky Balboa and I’m supposed to what, turn a blind eye?” He scoffed. “Not gonna happen, ladies.”
“Coach, come on, we—”
“Save it, James. You need to get your shit in order, son, before you let it ruin your entire senior year. I know things are hard right now.” He leaned on his desk and steepled his fingers. “That’s why we need to band together, not pull apart.”
“It won’t happen again.”
“Damn right it won’t. I’m signing you both up to the youth project down at Next Steps.”
“Coach—” Callum started to protest.
“Save it, son, I already made the call. You report to Freya Jenkins tomorrow after classes. You do the crime, you pay the time.”
“It was nothing, Coach,” I protested, but he cut me with a hard glare.
“I expect better. You two got issues you need to iron out, do it behind the scenes where it doesn’t affect the team’s reputation. Now get out of my sight.” He waved us off with an irritated huff.
We both skulked out of there in thick silence.
“Listen, Callum, I—”
“Save it.” He flicked his eyes to mine, burning with contempt. I didn’t know if he was angry at himself, me, or both of us. But much like me, Callum was in a dark place. I wasn’t about to be the one to try to pull him out though, we weren’t those people to each other.
“Just do me a favor yeah and stay the hell away from me.” Callum barged past me but glanced back before he disappeared into the locker room.
“And stay the fuck away from my sister.”
Calli
“Calli, come on in.” Freya motioned for me to take a seat. “How are you? How was the training Sunday?”
“It was great. I’m excited to get started.” I needed the distraction. I needed to focus on something besides the gnawing pit in my stomach.
Zach knowing about my mom had changed things. He cared—that bastard tried to act like he cared, and it had completely thrown me for a loop.
“Well, we’re excited to have you. Do you want the good news or the good news?”
“The good news.” I released a tentative breath.
She clicked her fingers and pointed at me. “Right answer.”
I smiled.
“We’ve got a new girl coming into the project. Jasmine. A real hard ass if her file is anything to go by. But the kid has had a tough time of it lately. Bounced between her mother and father’s guardianship since she was eight. Poor school attendance. Her teachers report she has low self-esteem, lack of motivation, and displays a range of attention seeking behaviors.
“How old is she?”
“Fourteen. She’s in ninth grade.”
Oh boy.
She was a girl on the cusp of becoming a young woman, full of raging hormones and turbulent emotions.
“Are you sure I’m the right person to buddy with her?” Because now I was sitting here, I wasn’t so sure. What if she didn’t like me? Or didn’t engage with me?
“The fact you just asked that question is exactly why you’re the right person, Calli. Jasmine needs somebody who understands what it’s like. She doesn’t need another adult telling her to get her head screwed on straight.”
“Okay.” I nodded. Freya was right, I did know. More than she could possibly know.
“It’s open doors Tuesday. We have a bunch of activities out back for the kids to participate in. I thought it would be a good chance for you and Jasmine to get to know one another.”
“You want to start our sessions today?”
“No time like the present. Just trust your instincts. Coax don’t push. Listen, don’t over talk. A lot of kids just need stability and trust. Ready?”
My lips pressed into a tentative smile.
I guess we were about to find out.
“Calliope,” one of the center volunteers, a short woman called Maureen, said. “This is Jasmine. She’s excited to meet you.”
“Hey Jasmine. I love your bracelets.”
“Yeah, whatever.” She dropped down on the bench beside me, refusing to look at me.
“Good luck,” Maureen mouthed, and I grimaced.
Boy. This was going to be harder than I thought.
“How was your day today?” I tried to keep the tremor out of my voice. My body hummed with anticipation. I didn’t want to mess this up, but I felt like a fish out of water.
Jasmine barely replied, mumbling some half-hearted comment beneath her breath.
She was a pretty little thing. Easily five-six with white-blonde hair in short bangs around her face. She had bright bluish-green eyes, a smatter of freckles across her nose, and skin so pale it almost looked translucent. She reminded me of a pixie or some other ethereal creature like a fairy or nymph.
“You’re staring,” she hissed, and I inwardly cussed.
“I’m sorry. It’s just you have really pretty eyes.”
Slowly, she lifted her face to meet my soft gaze. The corner of her mouth kicked up a fraction. “You think my eyes are pretty?”
I did. They sparkled like the ocean as she gawked at me.
“They are.”
“I’m a freak,” she huffed indignantly, foldi
ng into herself. She radiated hostility, a fragile cyclone of pain and anger circling her. But there was something beneath the surface. Something I understood more than she realized.
Loneliness.
“I think most teenagers feel like that at some point. I know I did.”
She scoffed. “You felt like a freak when you were my age?” Her eyes narrowed at me. “I highly doubt that, Cantaloupe.”
“It’s true,” I said, ignoring her insult. “My brother was kind of a big deal growing up. You know, one of the popular kids. It wasn’t easy being in his shadow all the time.”
“Big whoop. At least you had a brother. I have—” Jasmine stopped herself, pressing her lips into a thin line. “This is all bullshit,” she mumbled. “I don’t want to be here.”
“Why don’t we go outside and check out some of the activities? It might be fun?” I got up, desperate for some fresh air.
Jasmine was hurting, that much was obvious, but I didn’t expect her to just open up to me after two minutes. When the people you loved—the people who were supposed to love you back—constantly let you down, the wall around your heart started to turn into a glacier. Cold and impenetrable. And before long, it would freeze everyone out.
I was lucky, I’d had my mom and Madison. But even their love and support hadn’t been able to undo the damage caused by my father and Callum. That gnawing feeling of never being good enough, of worthlessness, didn’t just vanish. Even now, I couldn’t allow myself to really reflect on everything without a huge pit carving through my stomach.
“Or we can sit here and talk some more,” I suggested.
Jasmine leaped up, scowling at me as she barged past me and took off for the door leading to the center’s huge yard. There was a basketball court and small patch of grass with a couple of benches. The wall had been decorated with spray art, another rainbow. It made me smile.
Mom would have loved this.
Forcing down the emptiness I felt whenever I thought about her, I turned my attention to Jasmine. She’d taken up residence at one of the tables. There was a bunch of art supplies: papers and crayons and markers. I grabbed some and began doodling, hoping to coax her into joining me. But Jasmine ignored me, watching the other kids play a game of kickball with one of the volunteers.
