by L A Cotton
“Zach, I don’t understand.” I sat up, needing to see him. He pushed up on his elbow and gave me a sad smile.
“I heard you, Calli. I heard you tell my dad that you didn’t love me.”
I reared back, hardly able to believe my ears. “What?”
“I heard everything. There I was, ready to sacrifice myself to the thing I hated more than anything in the entire world so that we could have an easy life, so that he wouldn’t try to drive us apart, and you were telling him I meant nothing to you.”
Confusion swam through my veins because I could remember that conversation with Mr. Messiah and it went nothing like the way Zach was suggesting.
“Zach, that’s not—”
“Stop, Calli. Just stop.” He let out a frustrated sigh. “It doesn’t matter anymore. All this time, I thought I hated you. I wanted to. Fuck. I wanted to hate you so much. And then I saw you and it was like being struck by lightning. I don’t hate you, Calli, I never could. I just hated myself for trusting you. I hated myself for giving you the power to hurt me. And in the end, I hated that I wasn’t enough for you.”
“Zach,” I reached for him, but he flinched. My stomach sank. “I honestly have no idea what you’re talking about. I didn’t tell your dad I didn’t love you.” In fact, I’d spent most of the awkward conversation defending our relationship.
“Ah, Calli, it’s nice to see you again.”
“Hi, Mr. Messiah, I just wondered if Zach was feeling better?” I said, trying not to sound too eager. I knew he didn’t particularly like me. Or rather, he didn’t like that his son liked me so much. But I hadn’t heard much from Zach all day and I wanted to make sure he was okay.
“Come in, I’ll go see how he is. But I’ll warn you now, he’s been pretty out of it all day.”
“Oh, I don’t want to be a nuisance.”
“Nonsense, come in, make yourself at home. I’ll just be a second.” He disappeared into the hall and I took a seat on one of the stools at the breakfast counter.
A couple of minutes later, he returned. “He’s still out for the count, sorry.”
My stomach sank. “Oh, okay.” I stood. “Well, I guess I’ll call him later.”
“You know, Calli. I’ve been meaning to talk to you about things for a while now.” He ran a hand over his jaw.
“You have?” My mouth went dry.
“This thing between the two of you, do I need to be worried?”
“W- worried?” I choked out. “I’m not sure I understand.”
“Zach is destined for great things, Calli. He just needs a little push in the right direction. This high school crush you have on each other, it isn’t healthy. And quite frankly, it’s a distraction he doesn’t need. The next couple of years are very important for Zach’s future.”
“Crush?” The words soured on my tongue. “It isn’t… I… I care about Zach a lot, sir.”
“I know.” He grimaced. “And you’re a good kid, Calli. You are. But it’s puppy love. It won’t last. Zach will go off to college and you’ll be stuck here and then what?”
His words lashed at my insides. It wasn’t like that between us. What Zach and I shared wasn’t fleeting, it was real.
I loved him.
I loved him with my whole heart.
He was the only person who got me, the only one who knew what it was like to grow up in the shadow of your sibling. Invisible. Overlooked.
“I love Zach, Mr. Messiah.”
“Love?” He scoffed. “What could you possibly know about love? You’re kids. You don’t love him, Calli. One day you’ll realize what you have isn’t grown up love, and it’ll be too late. You’ll have both have wasted so much time, and for what?”
“You’re right,” I snapped, frustration racing through my veins. “What can we possibly know about love? We’re just kids… what we have isn’t real. Zach will go off to college and leave me and he’ll probably cheat, or I will. Because that’s what people do to each other, isn’t it? They lie and cheat and break promises. You’re right, why the hell would I put myself through that?” My chest heaved with the weight of my words as anger swarmed inside of me.
“I’m glad you’re able to see the truth of it,” he said looking a little taken aback at my outburst.
“You’re right. So, so right.” I began to cry and looked at the floor. I needed to get my words out, but thoughts of my parents were choking me, and I couldn’t make sense of the overwhelming emotion swelling inside me. I needed a minute. Zach’s dad carried on talking, not realizing I’d not finished.
“And that’s why he needs to leave, because he’s better than this small town.”
I finally found my fire. “What me and Zach share isn’t like that. I would never hurt your son, and he would never hurt me. We might be young, sir, but don’t tell me what I feel isn’t real. I would do anything for your son, anything…”
“Oh my god,” I breathed, tears pricking my eyes. “I did say that... but it wasn’t what you think. I would never have... Zach, I loved you.” I still love you.
My heart ached as the truth of what had gone down settled into my bones. “I loved you so much, and your father was saying all these things, making it sound like what we had was just some childhood crush. It wasn’t...”
“But I heard you, I heard you—”
Taking his hand in mine, I looked at where our fingers twined together. So much anger and heartache and all because he’d heard half a conversation.
Oh, Zach.
“I told him that I didn’t love you, yes... but only before I told him that loving you didn’t do justice to the way I felt about you. I was in, all in, Zach.” Yeah, we were young, babies really where matters of the heart were concerned, but I knew without doubt that Zachary Messiah was my heart, my future.
I didn’t want anyone else.
“N- no.” Painful realization etched into the lines of his face. “I heard you.”
“You heard half a conversation, Zach, that’s all.”
I couldn’t believe that all this time he thought I’d betray him like that.
Didn’t he know how deeply I’d loved him? How much I’d wanted to be his?
But part of me knew the root of his uncertainty. When you grew up being constantly compared to your brother, overlooked because you didn’t fit the family mold, your self-esteem weakened until eventually it disappeared altogether. Zach never lived up to his father’s expectations just as I’d never lived up to mine. We were two lost souls, vying for attention, desperate to feel worthy and wanted. And we’d found that in each other. We’d found it and gradually, we let it heal us. But the second it got called into question we’d both pulled away because that’s what you did when someone you thought you could trust hurt you.
You didn’t push for the truth or demand answers. You barricaded your heart and internalized your emotions until love turned to heartache, and slowly, over time, heartache became a festering black hole inside you.
“I- I don’t understand.” He looked gutted. His eyes two pits of despair.
“He was asking about my plans for the future, about what would happen after you left for college. He said that I was a distraction, that what we had was nothing more than a childhood crush.” Sadness coiled around my heart. Zach had spent all this time hating me, wanting to hurt me because of a simple case of crossed wires. He’d walked into half a conversation at the wrong time and not stuck around to listen to the rest.
“I told him that I didn’t imagine a future with you or hope we’d survive a long-distance relationship if you left for college... I looked your dad in the eye and told him that I didn’t just love you, I understood you. I told him that I trusted you more than anyone else in the world. And if you’d have a stuck around to hear the entire conversation, you would have heard me tell him that one day I was going to marry you, because that’s how much I believed in us.”
I’d forgotten half of that conversation with Mr. Messiah, the awkward silence that had followed my rat
her startling confession. But he’d made me so angry, the way he constantly dismissed Zach and his feelings, his relationship with me. We were young, yes, but we shared something most people didn’t. We shared a deep sense of disappointment and abandonment toward the people we called family.
Those experiences tethered us. But it was more than that. We’d opened ourselves up and allowed someone else inside, so when Zach cut me out of his life without so much as an explanation, I was crushed.
“I can’t believe you did that.” He stared at me with awe glittering in his eyes, but it was tarnished with regret.
“I loved you, Zach, and I believed in us. I believed in you.” The words got stuck over the ball of emotion lodged in my throat. “Seeing you step up at that pep rally, watching the principal announce you as the new captain of the Vipers was one of the worst days of my life.” Tears rolled down my cheek as the dam inside me broke wide open.
He shot up and climbed off the bed, standing rigid.
“Zach?” My voice trembled at the anger radiating off him.
“All this time I thought... and he never said anything. He never said a fucking word.”
I was hardly surprised that his dad had left out the part where I tried to fight for his son. He shared the title of world’s shittiest father right alongside mine.
Gingerly climbing off the bed, I went to Zach, taking his hands in mine. “It’s okay,” I said. The truth was finally out, and I already felt lighter. Did I wish things had gone differently? Of course I did. We’d wasted so much time hating one another, hating ourselves. But part of me got it. If I’d have walked in on Zach having a similar conversation, I would have felt the same without all the facts.
I just wished he’d have tried to talk to me first before jumping to conclusions.
“Nothing about this is okay, Calli. I spent an entire year hating you... I gave into his demands because I thought you didn’t care... I thought you...” The fight drained from Zach’s eyes as he dropped down onto the edge of the bed. “Fuck.” He raked a hand through his hair, tugging the ends in frustration. “It was all my fault. All of it.”
“Zach, let’s not—”
“I fucked up.” He stared at me with such intensity, such hopelessness, I felt winded.
I wound my arms around his neck, moving into the space between his legs. “We both messed up. I should have pushed you harder.”
“And I should have given you a chance to explain... fuck, Calli. We wasted all of this time.”
“Maybe it was always supposed to be this way? Maybe we had to go through all the hurt and anger and pain to realize it was real?”
Because it was.
I loved Zach.
Part of me never stopped.
He pulled me down onto his thigh, and buried his face in the crook of my neck, breathing me in. “I’m so fucking sorry.”
“Hey, hey...” I eased back, sliding my face against his cheek, my tears wet between us. “It’s okay.”
“It’s not, nothing about this is okay. But I won’t mess up again, Calli. You’re mine, sweet pea, every single inch of you.”
Warmth spread through me at his bold words. I wanted that—I wanted it so much. It was all I’d ever wanted.
“But what about the team?” I didn’t want to ask the question, but we couldn’t ignore the fact he was a Scorpion… he played basketball with my brother.
“Honestly, I don’t give a fuck what they say. I’m only here to keep my old man off my back.”
I winced at the harsh tone, but I wasn’t entirely convinced he was speaking the truth. I’d seen him play with Jasmine. I’d witnessed how free he’d looked in that moment.
“The exhibition game is this weekend,” I reminded him, choosing not to push him about it. “Maybe we should wait until after that to...” I trailed off, realizing how presumptuous I sounded.
“Go on, say it.” A faint smile traced his lips.
“Say what?” I played dumb, curling my fingers into the hair at the back of his neck.
“Whatever you were about to say.” His lips hovered over mine, teasing. My body stirred to life, desperate for more of his kisses. His touch and attention.
I was already losing myself in Zachary Messiah again, but this time, I knew he’d be there to catch me.
“I’m waiting, sweet pea...”
“What’s it worth to you?”
“A negotiation?” His brow rose playfully, and I nodded around a smile of my own. “Name your terms.”
“I was hoping you might be able to get Jasmine and some of the kids at the center tickets to the game. I think it would really be good for them.”
“Already done.”
“W- what?” I gasped.
Zach grinned. “Had the idea the other day. She’s got raw talent... she just needs the right direction.”
“Thank you.” I kissed him. “Thank you so much.”
“There is one catch though.”
My body stilled as I narrowed my eyes at him. “Why do I not like the sound of this?”
“I want you there.”
“No, Zach, I can’t...” Dread flooded me. “I can’t be there while my dad and Callum are—”
“I know, babe.” He touched his forehead to mine. “I wouldn’t ask unless it was really important. Jasmine needs you there, Calli. She needs to know she can depend on you...” He hesitated, a rare flash of vulnerability sparkling in his eyes.
“And I need you there, sweet pea. I really fucking need you there.”
Zach
My heart crashed violently against my chest as I waited for Calli’s answer. I was railroading her, playing dirty by using Jasmine as an excuse to get her to the game. But I needed her there.
“Yes,” she breathed. “I’ll come to the game.”
Sweet relief coursed through my veins. It was more than I deserved, but I’d take it. I’d take whatever I could where she was concerned.
Fuck.
I still couldn’t believe I’d gotten it so wrong... although, deep down, I wasn’t surprised. Maybe part of me had always known that Calli wouldn’t have betrayed me in that way. But I was so fucking angry, full of resentment and bitterness. When I’d heard the words fall from her lips, my world and everything I thought I knew about Calliope James came crashing down around me. All the love and adoration I felt exploded into a blinding rage. Throw in a father determined to get me to bend to his will and a brother who could never put a foot wrong, and my carefully constructed defenses cracked wide open.
If Calli didn’t want me, I had no one.
No one.
She was everything... and then she was nothing.
In that split second, I let our love become something dark and twisted because it was easier to believe it had all been a lie than confront her and risk my heart all over again.
“Zach, talk to me,” she said, nudging her nose along my cheek. “Tell me what you’re thinking.”
“I don’t even know where to start.” I had a giant knot in my stomach and a boatload of regret swimming in my veins. I was drowning, fighting to stay afloat in a torrent of self-hatred and guilt.
She brushed the hair from my eyes. “We were kids...”
“It doesn’t change the fact I fucked up,” I choked out. “I should have talked to you. I should have...” My voice cracked as I swallowed over the lump in my throat.
“Even if you’d have told me and it hadn’t gone down like that, I wouldn’t have been able to watch you play. I could barely be in the gym without wanting to scratch off my skin. It would have created a wedge between us.”
“I should have stood up to him, told him no.”
“Part of you wanted his validation—”
“Calli, that’s not it.” I hadn’t wanted my father’s validation. I wanted him to get off my back. Pacifying him seemed like the easiest way to do that.
“Yes, it is. And do you know how I know that?” She let her lips slide over mine, kissing me softly. “Because even now, even afte
r everything, I find myself wanting the same thing. Our parents are supposed to love us, Zach. They’re supposed to stand by us and support us. It’s hard to accept that is never going to happen.”
“I hate your dad for treating you like this. Callum too.” My arm tightened around her. “You deserve more, Calli. So much more.”
“I have to make my peace with the fact that I’ll never be the child he wanted. But you can. I watched you play ball with Jasmine. It’s inside you, Zach.” Her hand slipped to my chest, right over my heart. “The question is, do you want it?”
Her words sank inside of me. No one had ever stopped to ask me what I wanted. When you were the little brother of an athletic star, you were neglected, forced into the shadows. When my father had demanded I play for the Bay View Vipers, I’d assumed it was a punishment. It had sure felt like it at first. But slowly, over time, I grew to need basketball the way an addict needs the high. It settled my soul. Soothed some of the anger and pain living inside me. Maybe Calli was right. Maybe all this time, I’d been lying to myself.
I stared up at her, trying to reconcile everything that had happened. Not just right now in this moment, but ever since the first day I laid eyes on her. Calli had been such a vital part of my life, looking back now, it was foolish to think I could ever give her up.
She was the only person to ever get me. To know what it was like to be constantly compared and held to the standard of someone else. But despite all of my old man’s downfalls, he’d never actively pushed me away. He just wanted me to be someone I wasn’t.
Now I was stuck at a crossroads and I had no fucking idea which path to take. The team needed me. Coach Baxter, the college... the fans, they all wanted me to carry them to the championship. Because I was a Messiah, and it was my legacy.
Except, it wasn’t my legacy. It was Declan’s. I was stepping into his shoes, assuming his position. If I did it—if we got to March Madness and we won—I wouldn’t be remembered for my successes, I’d be remembered as the guy who held things together while his brother was lying in some facility fighting for his life.
