“Tell me everything,” Heather says firmly, and leads me over to the kitchen table.
We talk all day. She’s as baffled as I am about Dean’s one eighty on me, but since she doesn’t know him that well, she can’t offer any helpful insights. Just having her listen to me pour my heart out is enough. It’s great to have my best friend back—though it’s not quite like it was before with us. It’s definitely awkward, and there’s still some lingering tension. Especially when she admits that she’s still talking to Sloane.
“I’m sorry about blowing up at you, and saying all those things,” Heather says earnestly. “It’s all my fault. I knew it, and I still froze you out. I just needed a little time to think.”
“I know,” I say, a little stiffly. “I understand. But Heather…after what happened at the party, why would you want to be involved with her?”
“She’s trying to change.” She looks at me imploringly. “You know she went to rehab, right? We’ve been trying to support each other. I swear, I’m not drinking as much—and it’s thanks to Sloane. Seriously, Jule…this girl is incredible. If you give her another chance, you’d see that.”
God, I can’t do this right now. “I see her in school every day,” I say, playing with my necklace. “She doesn’t say a word to me.”
Heather looks pained. She grabs one of my pillows and hugs it to her chest. “That’s because she knows how you feel about her. Maybe if you made the first move?”
I give my best friend a stern look. “Heather, I love you, and I’ll always be there for you—but that’s just not going to happen.”
“You’re right, it’s too much. That’s cool.” She grins her familiar goofy grin. “We won’t talk about that right now. For the rest of the day, it’s all about you.”
Unfortunately, she means it. Heather stays glued to my side all day. When I go in for my shift at the rec, she comes with me and stays the entire time—much to the delight of the kids. She even spends the night, and probably would have gone to the bathroom with me if I had let her. Mom—who came home for, like, five minutes—greets her like it hasn’t been months since she last saw Heather over. She seems exhausted—my mom, not Heather.
I guess I’m still in shock. I can’t seem to find my mad. Where the indignation and fury should be, there is only a cold aching emptiness. Despite everything, I miss him desperately. I’m like a junkie craving her next fix, pathetic and shameless. God, I think I’d do anything to be with him again.
No one needs to tell me. I know I’m the biggest idiot in the world.
Everything begins to take on a dreamlike quality. Maybe because I’m not sleeping—or maybe I just don’t want to accept reality. My tiny little brain is going into overdrive, going over everything, trying to make sense of what happened. But I can’t, because none of it makes sense. There’s no way Dean only pretended to care about me—I’ve seen him act, and he is not good at it. There has to be a reason…Kara’s blackmailing him, or—or something.
Dean won’t even look in my direction, let alone talk to me. Seriously, it’s as if I ceased to exist for him. Lit is the worst. We have to sit next to each other, and having him right there, so close—and knowing I can’t have him—is the worst form of torture. I have to fight back tears, and apparently it makes me like I’m about to puke because Mr. Shannon is constantly asking me if I need to see a nurse.
Oh, the guys aren’t really talking to me, either. Ben is acting really twitchy. I’m certain Johnny knows Dean and I had sex because he’s been avoiding me like the plague. I’m also sure that he doesn’t know the rest of it—because despite everything that happened between the two of us, Johnny would never stand for me being maliciously hurt like this. Mack and Nick are still friendly—but it’s the superficial kind, reserved for acquaintances you barely know, or feel sorry for. I know without asking that there won’t be any more Sundays at Mack’s. Everyone else treats me about the same as they used to—which I should be grateful for, I guess.
I don’t even try to eat lunch. I sit on a bench in the breezeway, and catch up on homework. I’ve been thinking about life after high school a lot—something which I used to avoid doing at all costs. It used to scare me to think about the future, but now…I can’t wait to get out of here. Maybe I’ll get into UNLV with Heather, and we could get part-time jobs. She could be a show girl, and I could be a card shark . Me and Heather in Vegas…that could be kind of awesome.
Unless she gets into NYU with Sloane. Ugh.
I’m too busy feeling sorry for myself to notice Laundry—Dani—until she’s standing right in front of me, and clearing her throat to get my attention.
I blink up at her uncertainly. “Um…hi?”
“Hey, Juliet.” Dani shifts awkwardly as she meets my eyes. “Can we talk?”
Now what? I nod, and manage a smile, which she takes as an invitation to sit next to me. I feel the old stirrings of jealousy as I can’t help but notice how pretty and model-like she is. She also smells like strawberries. I’m not purposefully sniffing her, I swear.
“I owe you an apology,” she says in a breathless rush. “I know it’s long overdue, but—wow, this is really…odd.” She giggles nervously.
I really don’t want to have this conversation. “Oh, no, listen—you don’t owe me anything. Really, let’s just forget about it, okay?”
I smile to show her there’s no hard feelings, but she stubbornly shakes her head. Staring down at her clenched hands in her lap, she says, “I don’t want you to think that I’m the kind of girl who goes around, trying to steal other girls’ boyfriends. I mean—okay, I did try to steal Johnny. I just—I really like him.”
I watch a blush steal over her cheeks. “I know you guys used to date,” I say, trying to sound sympathetic, and probably failing miserably.
“Um, yeah. But he was never serious about me.” Dani makes a face, laughing at herself. Then her laughter trails off, and she sighs. “I was so jealous of you. You got him to settle down, when nobody else could. Johnny…he really loves you.”
I don’t want to hear that right now—especially from her. “I don’t know about that,” I say finally. “Anyway…you know we’re broken up for good, right?”
“I heard.” She shoots me a speculative look. What has she heard? Then she takes a deep breath. “I don’t know if this will help anything, but I wanted to tell you about that night…you know, the party at Johnny’s? It was a set up.”
“Huh?” I say eloquently.
“It was Kara,” Dani continues, brushing her hair away from her face. “She told me that I should be prepared to make a move on him—not that I wasn’t already trying. But Kara…she kept handing Johnny drinks, and talking shit. Arianna showed her those pictures she took of you and some guy at the mall. It actually looked pretty innocent to me, but Kara showed Johnny, and said that Arianna told her that you guys were all over each other—”
“What?” I growl, shaking my head in disbelief.
“Kara said she’d seen you around with other guys before, and Johnny…by then, he was so drunk, he started believing everything she told him.” She looks down. “I went along with it, and I—I wouldn’t leave him alone. He didn’t want to—not until he heard you had showed up. I know he was just using me to get back at you.”
I don’t know how to feel about Dani’s shame-faced confession. It doesn’t make me feel better, and it still doesn’t excuse Johnny’s behavior that night. And it proves what I already know: Kara is a giant bitch.
“Why would Kara do that?” I ask after a beat. “Are you guys, like, best friends, or something?”
“No.” Dani lets out a barking laugh. “In fact, she used to hit on Johnny all the time when we were seeing each other. She’d always tell me she could steal him away from me at any time.”
I grimace at that. “Why are you friends with her?”
She shrugs uncomfortably. “I don’t know. I guess I’m kind of afraid not to be. She can be really vicious if you get on her bad side.”
<
br /> “No kidding.” I snort. Then my shoulders slump. “I don’t even know what I did to her.”
“It’s not you,” Dani says sympathetically. “She’s wanted Johnny and Dean forever. They’re the hottest guys in school, and she wanted them to fight over her. But they both turned her down.”
I tilt my head to look at her, eyes wide. “They both turned her down? Are you sure?”
“Oh, yeah.” A smirk creeps across Dani’s face. “She was pissed.” She says “pissed” like it’s a huge understatement, and with a great deal of satisfaction.
Dean turned Kara down. Then…what? He changed his mind? Or maybe she has something on him? Distractedly, I thank Dani for apology. She seems relieved. We’re never going to be friends, but I’m glad she wanted to clear the air. It doesn’t make me feel any better, but it does give me some things to think about.
My talk with Dani has me reevaluating my relationship with Johnny, and my relationship with Dean. I don’t want to compare the two, but I can’t help it. And I did fall for both of them, but now I realize that I care deeply for one—and I’m in love with the other. They both turned me inside out, they both betrayed me. I was expecting one, but not the other. Finding out Johnny had cheated on me was a terrible blow. But it didn’t make my world fall on its ass. Maybe because I always expected to get burned by him. With Dean…I told him things that I’ve never shared with anyone other than Heather, and I felt completely safe in doing so. Dean never seemed to judge. Johnny wouldn’t have, either—I know that. I don’t know why I always held a part of myself back with him. I guess I was afraid of getting hurt. But it happened anyway, didn’t it? I never trusted Johnny—but I trusted Dean from the start.
Damn it, I still trust him! He would never hurt me, and he would never be anyone’s puppet. I don’t care what Kara said, or her stupid pictures. I, of all people, should know that sometimes pictures don’t tell the whole truth. Maybe those pics were old, or it was all a set-up. Something!
God, I wish Dean would talk to me.
******
Chapter 49
Nick catches me before Government. He looks uneasy, so when he asks if we can talk, I almost want to say no. I don’t need any more revelations. Weirdly, I have this thought in my head that if our genders were reversed, he’d be telling me he found out he was pregnant, and that the baby was mine. Except he’d be pretty far along by now—almost four months, by my calculation. I did know a girl whose mother didn’t know she was pregnant until she was almost seven months along. I guess baby movements can also be mistaken for gas? That’s a scary thought.
Anyway, Nick is talking to me.
“You heard about that thing with Larrabee, right?” Nick asks in a low voice, pulling me to the side in the hallway.
“Yeah, who hasn’t?” I hug my books to my chest, and smile at Sara who gives us a curious look before she walks into class.
He nods, looking grim. “Well, Liddell’s been working with the cops, right, and all the football players have to give their alibis for that night. We’re all sticking together—no one’s going to rat on the others, but a lot is at stake here.”
“I know.” I bite my lip nervously. “Dean’s not really talking to me right now, but…I guess you know he was with me on Saturday?”
“Yeah, that’s what I wanted to talk to you about.” Nick leans against the wall, and runs his hand through his hair nervously. “Listen—he’ll kill me if he finds out I’m telling you this, but his ass is on the line right now.”
“What do you mean?” I ask sharply. “If he needs an alibi, I’ll back him up. I’ll talk to Aunt Jo—I mean Principal Liddell.”
“Actually, Dean already talked to her. He said he was at home that night. Which would have been fine.” Nick sighs, shaking his head. “But then dumbass Ryan—who knew you guys were together, and knew Dean didn’t want you involved—decided to go to Liddell and say that Dean was with him and Grayson all night on a camping trip. So, now, Liddell knows Dean was lying.”
“Oh, god.” The back of my head hits the wall. “Ryan’s such an idiot!”
“Yeah,” Nick agrees emphatically. “Dean’s in a shitload of trouble ‘cause he won’t say where he really was. Liddell knows he wasn’t at Larrabee that night, but she’s using this to get him to roll over on the other guys. He won’t give them up, but he won’t say where he was, either. He’s about to lose everything, Juliet.”
I close my eyes, fighting back a wave of emotions. “Why doesn’t he just tell her the truth?”
“He’s trying to protect you.”
My eyes pop back open. “I doubt that,” I say, my words laced with bitterness.
Nick stares at the ground for a moment, deliberating. When he finally looks up, his hazel eyes are full of worry. “Look—I’m not supposed to say anything…there’s a lot of shit going on right now, and I don’t blame you for being pissed. But this isn’t right. He’s gonna go down for this. I just thought you should know.”
I nod in acknowledgement. “Thanks, Nick.” When he smiles cautiously, I reach out to pat his arm. “You’re a good guy.”
He laughs deprecatingly. “I’m trying.”
He goes into class, and I start running down the hall.
Man, I’m missing a lot of classes lately.
“You know I have to tell your parents about this.”
I meet Aunt Jo’s dragon eyes with an effort. “I know.”
Behind her massive walnut desk, she shakes her head at me. “I don’t understand, Juliet. I thought you were dating Johnny Parker?”
I rub the back of my head, considering my responses. I decide to go for the simplest one: “I get around.”
That earns me a disgusted tsk. I almost want to remind her that she was the one who suggested I dump Johnny for Dean my first day at Leclare. But she makes it clear that dating him is perfectly acceptable—having sex with him is not.
“Your grandmother will be so disappointed,” Aunt Jo continues. “She expected you to conduct yourself with the highest of morals, and to have respect for yourself. You realize your behavior reflects on her, as she is the one covering your tuition…”
Oh, please. Grandma Deems has been married, like, fifty time—once to a guy half her age. And she’s worried about my conduct? I slept with one guy on a boat, not a boatful of guys. Does it make it more classy if it’s on a yacht?
I can feel my eyes getting glassy. Why is Aunt Jo lecturing me about Africanized bees? I must’ve missed a whole section zoning out.
“—may reconsider her decision to cover your college tuition as well,” she says, her brows lowering heavily over her eyes.
“I know,” I say, and stifle a sigh.
“I just want you to be certain of the consequences before you go on record,” Aunt Jo tells me, her expression grave. “Is this your official statement, Juliet?”
“Thank you, Aunt Jo,” I say, acknowledging her implied offer to recant. “What I just told you is the truth.”
Aunt Jo nods once. “Alright, then. Thank you for coming by. I’ll let you know if we need anything further.”
I haul myself out of the chair on shaky limbs. I feel like I need to lie down, or get some air. I definitely need fresh air. I make it to the door when Aunt Jo calls my name. When I look back at her, I’m surprised to see that her expression is considerably softer, making her look years younger.
“You must love him to come forward about this,” she says with a strange, wistful smile.
My own is forced, and somewhat grim. “It’s the right thing to do.”
I’m in the middle of yet another surprise quiz in Calc when I hear Dean being summoned to the office over the intercom. My pulse gallops out of control, and my concentration is suddenly shot. I stare blankly at my quiz, unseeing. What is he thinking right now? Will he be pissed when he finds out what I’ve done? Well, that’s just too damn bad. Damn it, I’m never going to figure out the area between the curves now…y equals whaaat?
I am going to fail th
is quiz.
“So how was your date with Bobo?”
Tanya sighs, leaning against the locker next to mine. “It was exceptional,” she says dreamily. “I may be in love.”
“Congratulations. Where did he take you?” Grimacing, I pull Tanya’s errant curls out of my locker before I shut the door. I swear one bites me.
She doesn’t even notice. Her eyes are sparkling as she recounts every minute detail of her time with Bobo—including what they both wore, and everything they ordered for dinner. I’ve never heard of chocolate lasagna before, but it sounds weirdly delicious.
I am highly entertained by Tanya’s enthusiasm—even smiling genuinely, for the first time in days. Then I spot Dean through the crowded hall, and everything else fades away.
He’s walking in my direction, standing out from everyone else as much for his looks as his height and build. My heart aches at the sight of him. He’s so damn beautiful, despite his grim expression. Our eyes meet fleetingly, joining for one intense moment before breaking away. My mouth trembles, but I quickly firm it, compressing my lips into a thin line.
As he approaches, I have to look away. I can’t watch him walk past me like I don’t exist. It tears me up every time. I smile blankly at Tanya, who is blithely unaware of my distraction.
I am so desperately trying to ignore Dean, that I don’t realize he’s coming toward me until he’s standing right in front of me. My mouth opens wordlessly as I stare up at him.
Dean’s jaw clenches, his eyes stricken. We drink each other in for endless moments, then suddenly he’s moving. His hands come up to cup my face, and then he’s kissing me deeply, pressing me back against my locker. He immediately cages me in with his body, and I become incapable of thought. I can only feel. We hold onto each other like the world is dying around us. I almost wish it was, because this is exactly how I’d want to go out.
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