I closed my eyes, finding my strength. “Because I knew you still wouldn’t be able to tell me you loved me today and I couldn’t bear to be there when that happened.”
“Jules, since I’ve met you, this void has been filled. I don’t want to be without you. I care so much.”
But he didn’t love me.
My tears ran down my face as I said the toughest words I’d ever uttered. “I deserve to be more than a filler of a void for you.”
After a long pause, during which all I could hear was his breathing, he finally said, “Yes. You do.” His voice was thick with emotion. “I’m sorry, Jules.”
“I know.” I couldn’t even be angry with him. It wasn’t as though he was doing this to hurt me on purpose. The situation was so unbelievably sad.
“Where are you?”
“Outside of DC. We’ll leave in the morning and get home tomorrow afternoon.”
“Are you in a good hotel. It’s safe?”
Leave it to him to worry about such things. “Yes. It’s a Courtyard. I lugged in all of our stuff, and Tristan is watching cartoons.”
“I wish I could be there helping you.”
What I wouldn’t give for a partner in it all. Someone with whom I could be a team. Something I’d had a glimpse of with Mark before it had disappeared.
“I’m fine. We’re fine.”
“What happens if you’re pregnant?”
Shamefully, a part of me hoped I was. Wished it would be fate’s way of forever tying me to this beautiful man who’d showed me what it was to love and trust again. But on the other hand, I knew it would be better if I wasn’t. “If I am, I’ll let you know right away.”
“Then what?”
“I think we need to cross that bridge when/if we come to it.”
“So this is really it?”
“I think it has to be.”
Again with the long pause. “What about Tristan? I want to be in his life.”
“I won’t keep you from seeing him if you want to visit. He needs good, strong men to look up to who care about him.”
“You mean that?”
My voice softened. “Of course.”
“Will you call me and let me know you made it in tomorrow?”
“Sure. I will.” Although it would most likely be a text.
“And your period is due in two weeks?”
He knew my cycle better than I did. “Yes. I’ll tell you when I get it.”
“Or if you don’t.”
“Yes.”
“I hate this.”
“I do, too.” But I’d hate myself more if I continued in this relationship with a hope he’d change. A hope that someday he’d love me the way he loved Sarah.
“I— God, Jules.” His voice cracked and then, on a long sigh, he said, “Call me later?”
“Okay. Bye Mark.”
“Bye.”
Hanging up the phone, I wiped the tears and glanced over at my precious son watching cartoons. I prayed I was doing the right thing by deciding to leave, not only for me but also for him.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
It felt strange to be back in Charlotte in my office at work on a Monday. But as soon as Brian came in and gave me an exuberant hug, I knew I was where I needed to be.
“I can’t tell you how happy I am that you’re back. Sasha is traveling until Wednesday, but we thought we’d take you out for a celebratory dinner on Friday if you’re free?”
“Yeah, dinner sounds great.”
“What’s happening with your house?”
“It went on the market and it sounds like a family is putting in an offer this week. Also I found a two-bedroom that I can rent. Moving in mid-January.” Although my mom and stepfather were more than generous in letting us stay with them, I was anxious to have my own space again.
“Great. We’ll help you move.”
He was always so generous that way. “Thanks, but I’m sure that with your wedding coming up you have a ton to do.”
He shrugged. Then he shut the door and took the lone chair across from my small desk. “I’ll still make the time. How are you doing?”
The old Juliette would’ve smiled big and convinced him everything was great. But I didn’t have the energy to fake it. “Okay. It’s gonna take some time to adjust to all of the changes in my personal life, but it helps to be here in the office. Keeping busy with work. Also, um, I wanted to talk to you about taking classes after the first of the year. Probably twice a week. I know the company has a tuition reimbursement program, so I was hoping maybe—”
“Done. Approved.”
“I don’t want it as a favor for a friend. I want to make certain I qualify as an employee.”
He frowned. “Why wouldn’t you? You’ve been here over ten years. There’s a clause which says you have to stay for a certain amount of time, but I don’t think that would be a problem.”
“I just didn’t know if it would make sense for the company to invest in the education of an office manager.” Clearly I wasn’t over all of my insecurities.
“Juliette, you’re the most important person here. You make this place run. Ask anyone how much you were missed these last couple of months. Hell, if it’s about your title, then I’ll make you the Vice President of Office Operations.”
I laughed for the first time in days. “I’m okay with Office Manager, but thanks for the reassurance. I needed it.”
He cocked his head to one side. “Everyone does from time to time. In fact, I need you to tell me how amazing I am as a boss because the temp they had in here did not appreciate my sense of humor. I mean, how does anyone resist my charm?”
I’d heard stories about how the older woman hadn’t cracked a smile with anyone. I appreciated that Brian was shifting my insecurity to humor. “I have no idea. Because everyone else I meet falls in love with you instantly.”
He smirked. “I know, right? Now, then, on another subject, I need your help desperately. I have no idea what to get Sasha as a wedding gift.”
I was grateful for the distraction, which took my mind off how much I missed Mark. Throwing off my sadness, I started brainstorming gift ideas with him.
***
No matter how busy I kept myself over the next few days, I couldn’t help checking my phone ten times every hour. Hoping for a text. A call. Something. But I hadn’t heard from Mark since I’d sent him the message that I’d arrived safely at home. He’d responded that he was glad I’d let him know. But there’d been no more contact after that.
My heartache was especially rough when I lay in bed at night. It was as if all the thoughts about him I’d put off during the day would come to a head. A flood of memories would overwhelm me. And guilt. Because maybe if I’d been honest with him about my insecurities and doubts, it wouldn’t have blown up the way it had.
“Who are you hoping to hear from?”
I snapped out of my thoughts to see Sasha framing the open doorway of my office. “Um, what do you mean?”
She walked in, shutting the door and taking the chair in front of my desk. Then she nodded towards my phone. “Since you returned, you look at that thing incessantly. And before you give me a line about checking on Tristan, I wouldn’t believe you.”
I wanted so badly to have someone to confide in. She must’ve recognized my internal war.
“If you aren’t comfortable talking to me, then speak with Brian. I won’t take offense. I hope you realize we’re both worried about you.”
I shook my head, thinking he would be even worse to talk to since Brian was Mark’s best friend. “The problem is Brian can’t know. And if I tell you, then you’re in an awkward position.”
She grinned. “Been there, done that when his sister had a huge crush on Colby. I kept that confidence. And look how it turned out. Bottom line is that although I would never lie to Brian, I certainly don’t need to be the one to tell him information he wouldn’t ask about.”
“Okay. Here goes.” I took a deep breath and blurted it ou
t: “I’m in love with Mark.” And because admitting those words out loud triggered such emotion, I instantly teared up.
A smile spread across Sasha’s face. “I knew it. I mean I didn’t know it, but I noticed you talking to him the night of the party. And then the evening we came over for dinner, he kept stealing glances at you. I wondered if it might be the beginning of something.”
I smiled despite the way it hurt to think back. “I was completely clueless he might be interested in more than friends until he came over after my disaster of a date with this law school guy.”
“You went out on a date? And you didn’t tell me?”
I shrugged. “Nothing to tell. I was home early, and then Mark came over and— Anyhow, it doesn’t matter. The relationship, or whatever you’d call it, is over now.”
“Because you moved back to Charlotte?”
I shook my head. “Long story short is he isn’t yet over his fiancée or ready to love again. Maybe I wasn’t ready yet, either. Because I didn’t see his issues even when my gut was trying to warn me. I’m not saying I won’t ever date again, but maybe I need some time to figure out how to love myself before expecting someone else to do it.” Plus, it wasn’t like Mark was an easy guy to get over, either.
She gave a sad sigh. “You’re going to see him at the wedding. What do you think will happen?”
I smiled, having pictured that scenario more than once. My visions ranged from him ignoring me, as he had at Catherine’s party, to him pulling me onto the dance floor and not caring who in the world knew about us. The latter was the fantasy I most wished for.
“It’ll be fine. Honestly, it makes me happy to have an excuse to see him again. Don’t worry; neither of us is the type to cause a scene. I mostly tend to embarrass myself in small, selective groups.”
She laughed. “Yeah, well if I start to have a panic attack at the reception with all those people, I’m counting on you to come up with a very public scene to distract everyone.”
I held up my hand as if I was taking an oath. “I, Juliette Walker, do solemnly swear to make a complete and utter fool of myself in front of a lot of people if you give me the sign. Which will be...?”
She pretended to contemplate. “I will say the code words: Help me, Juliette.”
I burst out laughing. “That’s the worst code ever, but it’ll work.”
She was giggling, too. “I’m pretty uncreative when it comes to that kind of stuff.” Then she got serious. “You know what I wish?”
I shook my head. “No, what?”
“I wish I could take all the love everyone has for you in this office, with Brian and me at the top of the list, and put it in a bottle so you could have it whenever you need it. Because moments like these make me realize how terribly I missed you over the last couple of months.”
I fought the tears. This only proved I’d made the correct decision in coming back. This was where I could steadily gain my confidence and feel it daily with people who lifted me up.
***
The next day I decided to employ a tactic that Dr. Mac had suggested in one of our sessions. Although it had sounded silly at the time, at this point, what did I have to lose? So I started my day with thinking something positive about myself. A daily affirmation if you will. It could be something little, such as I was happy I’d picked the pink nail polish, or something bigger, such as patting myself on the back for a good-mom moment.
But in addition to that, I needed to start believing the compliments others would give me. No longer scoffing when someone said something nice about my appearance or about the holiday party I’d put on for the office, I made myself soak the comments in and agree I was worthy of the praise.
Easier said than done. But after a couple of weeks, I noticed it was getting easier to find something good about myself. At least until the Tuesday morning I got out of bed and realized I’d started my period. I sobbed for ten full minutes with a mix of relief and sadness at this evidence that I wasn’t pregnant. In the end, I knew it was for the best. But the funny thing about emotions is they don’t always want to listen to logic.
I waited until I arrived in the office to get up the nerve to text Mark.
“I got my period this morning.”
Watching while those ominous little dots appeared on my phone, I waited for what he might say. I’d be lying if I didn’t admit to hoping that over the last couple weeks Mark might have recognized his feelings were deeper than he’d realized. That somehow my leaving would’ve triggered something more for him. But his response slammed the door shut on any hope I might’ve had left.
“Thanks for letting me know.”
***
Over the next couple of days, I kept plenty busy with both my job and trying to get everything done with the house before it was officially sold. Although I acknowledged the hurt from Mark’s text, I also refused to dwell on it. After work, I’d go straight to my old house for at least an hour each evening and set things into three categories: donate, save, and sell. Although I didn’t have a lot of money to spend on new furniture, I’d rather sit on the floor than be reminded of Rob’s favorite place on the sofa or where we used to have our family dinners. This meant most of our things were going. I’d already boxed up all of his clothing and personal belongings for his parents, only holding onto a few things I wanted to give Tristan someday.
I made sure to be back at my mom’s house before bath and bedtime each night. Afterward, I would fall into bed exhausted. The packing certainly did wonders for helping me feel proactive about closing a chapter. It also helped to keep my mind off of Mark. Every time I was tempted to call him, I realized I couldn’t afford the risk of having him break my fragile self-esteem again. Not when I was just gaining it back.
Three days before Christmas while I was sorting through the mail, Sheila, our receptionist, came running into my office. “Juliette, I have Mr. Singer on line four. He says it’s urgent he find Brian. Do you know where he is?”
He was in a client meeting and couldn’t be disturbed. “I’ll take it, Sheila.”
“Mr. Singer, this is Juliette.” Although I might be friends with his wife, old habits were hard to break. Josh Singer was the owner of the company. “Brian is in the Shadow Sports Arena contract negotiation at the moment. I expect him out of the conference room in about twenty minutes or so.”
“Hi, Juliette. Um, okay. Can you have him call me the moment he steps out? I tried his cell phone, but most likely it’s off. It’s quite urgent.”
I couldn’t help myself; I had to ask. “Is everything okay with Haylee and Abby?”
His voice softened. “Yes, yes. They’re fine.”
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to pry. I’ll have him call you when he returns.”
“Thanks.”
Hanging up the phone, I sat there for a minute, unable to quell my curious nature nor the uneasy sensation that Josh’s call could have something to do with Mark. It was a silly idea, however. The likelihood was his call was business related and had nothing to do with anything personal.
***
The minute Brian walked out of his meeting in the large conference room, I intercepted him. After years of working together, he knew the look I was giving him and followed me into his office.
“What’s wrong?”
“Josh called saying it was urgent you get in touch with him.”
“Everything okay with Haylee and the baby?”
“I asked, and he said yes. I’m hoping it’s only a professional crisis.”
He nodded and picked up the phone to dial. I hesitated but then asked. “Will you let me know, so I don’t worry after your call what it is?”
“Sure.”
I paced the small space which made up my office, watching the light on my phone that indicated Brian’s phone line and waiting for it to go off. The moment it did, I had to keep myself from charging into his office.
Luckily, I didn’t have long to wait for Brian. He soon came out of his door, shrugging int
o his coat and clearly on his way out. “I have to head up to Connecticut. I’ll call Sasha from the car. Josh has a private plane waiting.”
“For what?”
“Uh, Mark needs some help with something. Do you mind rescheduling my three o’clock?”
“What does he need help with?”
His eyes met mine. The indecision reflected in them told me he wasn’t comfortable in giving me all the information.
“Please tell me.”
He finally sighed, giving me a bit. “My guess is that the holidays coming up are taking a toll on him.”
“Josh didn’t say why?”
Brian must’ve sensed something from my worried questions. “Is there something I’m missing here? Why are you so curious about Mark?”
I swallowed hard. “Just tell me if this is something about his fiancée and happens every year.”
“It hasn’t happened in eleven years, since losing her, but Josh said Mark checked out four days ago.”
That was the day I’d told him I wasn’t pregnant. I knew in my gut the timing wasn’t a coincidence. But what did I do? I’d spent years trying to help someone I loved work through his issues and had failed miserably, losing myself along the way. What if I went up there and Mark shut me down?
But Mark wasn’t Rob. And I wasn’t the same person, either. “I want to come with you.”
He lifted a brow. “Because?”
“Because he and I became close while I was living in New Haven. I don’t know if I can help, but I want to try.”
“How close, exactly?”
“The kind that is none of your business.” I was a grown woman and not about to spill my personal life to him. “I care about him a lot, okay?”
He relented. “All right. What will you do about Tristan?”
“I’ll call my mom. And then cancel your three o’clock.”
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
Once we each made phone calls to inform people where we were going, we traveled in silence, both of us worried and involved in our own thoughts. I tried to keep my nerves from getting the best of me.
What if Mark didn’t want me there? What if this was all about Sarah and the holidays and nothing about me? Furthermore, I’d only just begun the attempt to move on without him in my life. What if this set me back? But then I thought of how much he’d been there for me, and it was a no-brainer that I had to at least try to give him something.
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