by A. C. Bextor
As each powerful thrust enters me, my hands clench through his muscles as they strain under my fingertips. He’s panting in my ear as he unleashes his frustration, confusion, and love.
I feel a tear slide down my temple in response. This is my fault. I allowed this to happen. I watched as he finally started to let go of Sadey, the first person he ever cared about, and give that love to me. Now, I’m taking it from him. I’m no better than those that wait for me; actually, I’m worse. I’m going to destroy the strongest guardian I’ve ever known. My best friend, my lover, and protector will feel insignificant and abandoned. My only family will hate me in the morning.
“Raegan… I love you.”
Those words hurt me and heal me at the same time. They’re the most painful to endure in this moment, but I’ll carry them with me when I go; Marcus and Vinnie can’t take them away.
Running my hands through his hair, my voice breaking gently, I kiss his cheek and whisper in his ear, giving him what he needs to hear, “I’m always going to love you, Ace.”
I HAVEN’T SLEPT. Last night, all night, Ace made love to me again and again. Each time felt like it was our first real and true experience together. Our bodies were exhausted, but we kept going regardless of the physical ache. Emotions laced with desire formed an undeniable catalyst that I still feel the remnants of this morning.
Feeling a part of someone else, an extension of them in every way, was something I had never felt before. Feeling it with Ace was an experience, a journey, making its way to something bigger and greater than myself in both body and soul. Knowing it was the last night we had together made it all the more costly to us both.
Although Ace knew I was awake long before I got out of bed this morning, he didn’t look at me. I rushed out of the room and into the shower in order to avoid him. He saw the marks on my face last night as he undressed me, so the inevitable discussion is coming. He’s going to want the truth and he deserves to hear it, but he’ll get a distorted version because that’s what will keep him away from me for good - he and everyone I love will be safe.
Opening the bathroom door, make-up free, I find him there as he paces back and forth in the small hallway. He’s not wearing a shirt, so I watch as the muscles of his chest and back shift with each movement of his body. His hand rubs his forehead while the other rests on his hip. His posture is tense and his footsteps are deliberate.
This is going to hurt him – for a while. Knowing he’ll eventually share his life with someone else shatters me. The thought of who he’ll spend his nights with, who it may be that takes care of him, who he chooses to protect and cherish as his own, and who he eventually commits to sharing his life with; these thoughts will forever threaten to ruin me. With consequence, I’m walking away so he’ll have all those opportunities afforded to him.
Ace will grieve the loss of you leaving him, but he’ll recover nicely once he meets someone else more suited for him.
It’s time to give the whore’s performance of a lifetime. It’s an absolution for love that’s tainted with a betrayal and carries with it an immeasurable consequence.
Ace, please forgive me.
Looking up from his pacing steps, Ace’s face morphs immediately. All signs of worry and concern fall and are replaced with urgent, unleashed anger… fury… rage. “Who the fuck touched you?”
“Ace, we need to talk.”
He’s not waiting, my mask of bravery slipping with his pointed impatience. “Who the fuck touched you, Rae?”
“Can we sit?”
He starts walking toward me and I back up slightly, one foot landing on the bathroom floor. He leans down to my face and radiates his anger onto me. “Fuck no, we can’t sit. Tell me who fucking touched your face!”
Knowing if I don’t start talking and confessing, he’s going to do something stupid and rash, I offer him a half-truth. The matter of more significance, though, is the half-lie that goes with it. Looking down at my hands twisting themselves in front of me, I expel the practiced words of venom that are meant to paralyze and hurt him with their injection.
“Vinnie Bartone is Decklan’s dad. You know this. I ran into him this weekend at the park when I took Decklan there for the afternoon. We’ve decided to work things out for the sake of our son. We’re getting back together.”
I wait for a second, unsure of his reaction. When I’m met with only a wide-eyed stare, I continue with only a heartfelt truth. “I’m sorry, Ace. I don’t want to hurt you.”
He’s understandably shocked at my declaration, as anyone would be. He repeats my only truth, dismissing the lie, as if he’s able to decipher between the two. “You don’t want to hurt me.”
“No, I don’t. You’re a good friend to me.” It’s a weak response and I feel it as I say it, but it’s all I have.
Sarah will keep her innocence.
His face gets hard, his hands make their way to his hips and his powerful body stands before me, rigid and unattached. “Fuck that. I don’t believe you.”
Another truth offered. “I need you to believe it.”
Using his body as gesture, his arms branch out to his sides as the sound of his voice bellows throughout the room. “You told me you loved me, Rae. You don’t get on a plane and two days later fuckin’ change your mind. I heard you say it again last night. I fucking felt you say it.”
“I still love you, Ace. This doesn’t change that. I told you…”
Cutting me off, he adds to his argument. “I told you I loved you, too. Did you not hear me when I said it?”
“I believe you love me, and in your way, I think you always have. I don’t need a protector, though, Ace. I need a family, and I want to share my life with them.” This answer was practiced, as well. I’m driving the knife into his heart but feeling the pain by extension as the blade twists in his chest.
“You’re a fuckin’ liar, Cherry.”
Hearing him refer to me as Cherry, not Raegan, renews and strengthens my resolve. I want him to forget my given name. Anger will help him through this, and I’m letting him have it. Better he hate me alive than love me dead. “Okay, I’m a liar. Believe what you want to believe, but it doesn’t change anything.”
“What the fuck happened to your face?”
“It was an accident.”
Turning around, looking out the large window of the apartment, I barely hear his whisper. “An accident, she says.” A brief second passes before he continues, this time not only on a whisper, but a broken and shallow voice reaches out to me and I feel it touch me when it does. “Why are you doing this, Raegan?”
Your Peril family will remain untouched and none the wiser.
Having his back to me doesn’t make this easier; not any less painful in the slightest. “Because I love my son, and Vinnie will give me a life with him.”
Still looking out the window to the city below, he crosses his arms in front of him and from where I’m standing, I watch as he brings his hands to his face. I’m certain he’s wiping the evidence of my betrayal away, being in the form of his heartbreaking tears.
“I told you I loved you, Rae. I would’ve given you my own life if you would’ve asked for it.” Pausing, he regroups but continues without waiting for a response. “I won’t beg you to stay, but I can’t protect you if you’re willingly walking into the devil’s dungeon.” Pulling his chest up, his back straight and head forward, he lets out a heavily-burdened breath. “I always did what I could for you. I would’ve kept doing it forever if you’d have let me.”
An uncontrollable sob tears from my chest. I can live with walking away knowing he loves me, but with my uncertainties and lies, I’m breaking the strongest man I’ve ever known. When enough time has passed and once he pulls himself back together, he’ll realize what I’ve done to him and he’ll have no choice but to resent me. “God, I’m so sorry, Ace. Please, I’m begging you. Don’t hate me.”
“Then don’t go.”
“I have to.”
“Then I hate you.
”
Hayden 07:31 p.m. R U coming out?
No, I’m not. I haven’t been in the mood for anything or anyone in eight fucking days. Cherry left last Monday, and since, I’ve done nothing but wait to hear from her. I’ve called, sent text messages, left voice mails and have gotten no reply. Not one single response.
She’s out there, somewhere in Las Vegas, with her son’s father who’s the same fuckin’ pussy that hurt her years ago and is no doubt hurting her now. She went with him willingly, so he could take care of her; that’s the fuck of all of this.
For the first time in our relationship, if that’s what it was, I told Cherry I loved her. I said the words out loud for her to hear. It was a confession I made because I knew she was leaving. I felt the change in us when I picked her up from the airport. Now, I’m not sure if I told her this so she would consider staying or because that’s how I genuinely feel about her. I’ve only ever loved one person. The one thing I know is that I don’t love Cherry the same way I loved Sadey; not with any less intensity or purity, but it’s different nonetheless.
Maybe she was right to leave.
07:33 p.m. Nope. I’m good. Hv a good time.
After watching me sit at the bar and study my phone, Bean inquires as I knew she would. “Is that words on your phone, Ace?”
“Texting, Bean. And yes, that was Hayden. The guys are goin’ to check out the new bar downtown. They want me to go.”
She’s been pushing me to get out the entire week, as if being with my friends voids the heartache eating inside my chest. “You goin’ out or you stayin’ in?”
“I’m stayin’ in.” Using a clipped and deliberate tone does nothing to deter her determination.
Bean settles herself in the stool next to me and watches as I take another drink from the fifth of whiskey I’m finding comfort and refuge in. “You’re gonna have to get out sometime, Mark. There’s life to be lived outside these walls. Soon enough, you’ll be my age and when that happens, you’ll regret not living on the other side of them.”
Bean believes I’m going to be fine. When I told her the reasons Cherry left the very next night after she came back, she was understandably upset. However, most of her concern was for me.
Parts of me believe Bean thinks Cherry’s coming back. Those same parts of me know without any uncertainty that she’s not.
We’ve decided to work things out for the sake of our son. We’re getting back together.
“I’m good here, Bean.”
“Can I say something and maybe you actually listen to me this time?”
Oh, for fuck’s sakes, Bean. Please, enlighten me.
“Sure.”
Pushing her finger into my shoulder, her tiny fist follows. Her words pierce me even though I’ve already thought them to myself. “She needs you, and I think deep down you already know this. Whatever pulled her from you, Ace, it’s something she can’t fight alone.”
I hear Bean’s words. They make sense, but the truth is, though, Cherry told me goodbye and although it was obviously difficult for her, she did it and never looked back. “She didn’t ask for help.”
“What is wrong with you? She shouldn’t have to ask you for anything. I’ve just known her for a good many months, Ace, but you know her. You brought Cherry here with you for a reason. You helped her stay clean, protected her, and took her to see her son. Further, even if you don’t admit this to yourself or me, you’ve started to love her. The girl we knew as Cherry is gone, but honey, Raegan isn’t. Whatever her reasons for leaving you here, knowing it would hurt you as it did, she did it to protect you from something.”
Looking into the eyes of a woman who loves me more than anyone else in this world, my voice cracks with truth. “You’re wrong, Bean. She loves Decklan; he comes first.”
Softly, she replies, “Why does there have to be a first? There’s enough of that young girl’s love to go around. She could have you both, but for whatever reason, something happened. Find out what that is, and you’ll see I’m right.”
Using the same soft tone, I ask Bean what I’ve asked myself since she left. I ask Bean for honesty knowing I’ll get it, even if it’s words full of pain. “What if she just doesn’t want me to help her? What if she doesn’t want me at all?”
Rolling her eyes then finding focus in mine, Bean continues in trying to convince me of my own worth. A worth I’ve never truly felt since my parents left. “Raegan isn’t Sadey, honey. Raegan looks at you as though you’re invincible. I won’t be around forever, and Sarah’s growing up so fast. What will you have when we’re gone? Think about it for me, Ace.”
Standing up from the stool and squeezing my shoulder as she does, she winks before walking away. “Sarah and I are heading to the building party downstairs. Bingo and bratwurst. Sounds like heartburn and a reason to leave with an empty wallet, but Sarah’s excited so we’ll be back later.”
Sarah won’t talk to me. She’s given me the silent and angry treatment since I explained to her Rae left and won’t be coming back. She blames me, voicing through her screaming words of fury and hurt that I didn’t do enough to change her mind and that my aggressive, overprotective behavior drove her away. I accepted her words and took full blame, anything to ease Sarah’s hurt in losing someone else she cared about.
“All right. Good luck, have fun, and leave Mr. Jennings alone, Bean.”
“I’ll try, but he’s a looker, even at the ripe old age of seventy-four.”
Sitting on the couch in the dark, my first bottle of whiskey already gone, I’m holding the guitar pick pendant Cherry got me merely because she was “thinking about me” when she was out. A thousand memories plague my bedroom, so I’ve taken to sleeping on the couch. It’s easier to drown in memories alone rather than see and smell the loss of her throughout my room.
I fucking hate this pain in my chest and the constant sting behind my eyes.
Raegan trusted me in all things. I took care of her while we were in Ohio, and I offered her a new life here, a life I thought she was content with. No fuckin’ way can Vinnie give her what she needs the way I can.
My sadness is turning to anger. I feel it finally taking hold. Pulling out my phone, I send a quick text knowing it will go unanswered just as all the ones before it have. I’ve been relentless with my stream of texts and calls. Several times this week, I sent her the fuckin’ alphabet, A-Z, when I ran out of things to say, just to feel as though I was connecting with her in some ridiculous way. Although not possible, I feel as if I keep her in my thoughts I’m able to keep her safe.
09:36 p.m. I miss you.
As I wait for a response, even knowing it’s not coming, I hear a heavy knock at the door.
Putting down the newly-opened bottle, I stand from the couch and walk to the door, noting that I’ve had more to drink than I thought. When I open it, I’m not surprised. Travis and Hayden both look at me with pity and concern. Travis less so, of course, because he’s pissed at me for letting Cherry go, but Hayden rarely looks as out of sorts as he does right now.
Travis walks by me first and says nothing. When Hayden goes to pass me, though, he stops. Looking me up and down, as if debating my degree of drunk, he states the obvious. “You’ve looked better, my friend.”
“Fuck off.” I don’t care how I look.
“Have you heard from her?” Trav’s only concern is Cherry.
“No.”
“She won’t answer my texts.” His comment irritates me. I tend to try and forget how close he and Cherry are, and to know he’s sending her text messages and not knowing what they say pisses me off.
She’s no longer mine, and the thought that he knows this angers me even more. “Trying to get your shot in now, Trav? Pretty tough to do considering she’s not coming back for you.”
Before I’m able to sit my agitated ass down on the stool, Travis is in my face and he’s fisting my shirt in his hands. He slams my back against the counter, and my kidneys radiate pain from the strength of his weight pushing
me against it. Travis is the largest of us all. He works out religiously and if I continue to piss him off in my half-drunken state, I don’t think he’d hesitate to lay me out.
I smell the alcohol on his breath as he pushes me further back into the bar. “You’re a dick. You knew where she was going and you let her go. What the fuck is wrong with you?”
With absolute defeat, I admit, “She wouldn’t have stayed, and it wouldn’t have mattered what I said.”
Letting go of my shirt, he stands back and adjusts his jacket. He looks at me with disgust as his jaw ticks in anger. “She’s not Sadey, you miserable fuck. She’s nothing like her. Raegan loves you.” Pausing, he looks around the room before continuing, “Fuck if anyone here knows why.”
Sighing, I grab the whiskey from the counter and take another shot straight from the bottle. Hayden is watching Travis closely in case he decides to rightfully kick my ass. Travis’s stare on me is a cross between both fury and resentment. He already resents me for sending his sweet Raegan away, and he’s pissed he can’t do anything about it.
Rolling my eyes, I put the bottle down, turn back to him, and rest my back against the counter, bracing my elbows at my sides. “She doesn’t know what love is. She has no idea.”
“Do you love her? Not the ‘I think I love her’ bullshit, either. I’m talking about the real thing.”
“You know I do.”
“Tell me what I know then ‘cause something is missin’.”
“Fuck you. I don’t have to explain anything. It’s between her and me.”
“No, right now it’s just you. You let her leave and fuck you for that.”
Before Travis can deliver another insult, I see Toby standing at the door. Good thing, too, ‘cause now the gang’s all here to watch my self-pity play out.
Shutting the door and walking toward us, Toby stops beside Travis in front of me. His look is concerning, and it’s odd that it’s coming from my best friend who is known for his laid-back and calm demeanor. “You need to call her.”
